DISCLAIMER: I do not own 'High School Musical' or any related characters.
A/N: So, I've actually been debating whether or not I should write this because I don't know if I'll be able to pull it off. Anyway, let me know what you think. Oh and if you have the song, you may want to listen to it!
May Angels Lead You In
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time,
Song for a, heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live
May angels lead you in,
Hear you me my friends,
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
Hear You Me – Jimmy Eat World
She looked around at the mass of people, some sitting, others standing, all dressed in brightly coloured clothes that clashed with every single one of their expressions. She could see some weeping as the person at the podium spoke, others sat stony faced, listening intently even though she could tell all they wanted to do was break down and cry. She sat neatly, she always had and it always seemed to make her seem smaller than she actually was. Glancing behind her, she saw her family sitting there, her mother crying softly into her handkerchief, while her father sat as stony faced as her brother, the complete opposite of her mother. Swallowing slightly, she turned her attention away from her family to the family that sat beside them. They'd refused to sit in the front row, refused it even when she'd begged, told them that there was plenty of room and they deserved to sit there. But they had steadfastly refused, telling her that no matter what she wanted, they were taking a back row seat to this. They wanted to deal with it differently from her, differently from everyone else. She'd let them after some time, let them do what they wanted as she'd become so caught up in preparations for it all. Turning her eyes back to the front, she closed them slightly as a prayer began and instead of staring down at her hands the way she could see some people doing, she glanced around again. She hadn't realized he was so loved. She hadn't realized how many people had cared and even as she thought it, it didn't surprise. Of course everyone loved him. If there was one thing she knew about him, it was that no matter what anyone did to him, he always loved and respected that person.
Feeling tears beginning, she blinked them back. She didn't want to cry, she never really did. He'd known that and she was sure that even to this day, he was the only who had ever really seen her cry. Taking a deep breath when the priest said 'amen', she lifted her head and allowed her eyes to sweep down the pew she sat on. All of his friends were there; all of the people who had let him be himself were there. She could see Taylor and Chad at the end of the pew; Taylor was sitting so straight that she had to wonder whether or not someone had glued a plank of wood to her back, she was devoid of any emotion while Chad was leaning down, his forearms on his knees, his mouth resting on the fist created by both of his hands, tears in his eyes. Jason and Martha were next to them, both wearing a dazed look that she knew meant they still couldn't believe it, even though they were sitting there. Her eyes landed on the couple sitting next to her and she felt her lips twitch at the sight. His arms were wrapped tightly around her as she buried her face in his shoulder, her small hands grasping large amounts of the navy blazer as she clung to him and her shoulders shook in silent sobs. He was clinging to her as much as she was clinging to him and fighting tears as the highlights of his life were detailed to the silent crowd.
The basketball star and brainiac, Troy and Gabriella, brought to their knees by him. He would have hated it, he really would have. He would have hated it because they were his best friends. Out of everyone, it was Troy and Gabriella who had the tightest, most unbreakable bond with him. People often mistook it for a love triangle. It never was and all were sure that no matter what happened, nothing would change between them and it was true. He was the only one allowed inside their minds; he was the only one who understood the rare bond between the two and the only one who never questioned anything they did. He had been the first one to hear of their engagement and he'd never questioned it, no matter what other people had said, he'd supported it, the only one that understood that what was between the two was forever and not just in the moment. He'd walked Gabriella down the aisle at the tender age of nineteen and had assumed the position of best man when the deed was done. No-one had ever questioned his loyalty to the two after that, no-one had ever brought up Troy's jealousies towards him after that and no-one ever asked him about them unless they wanted a sharp retort or the cold shoulder.
Slowly, she tore her eyes away from the couple, unable to watch them anymore as Gabriella raised her face and the pain she could see in her eyes unbearable to look at. Taking a deep breath, she blinked away new tears and turned her head to the other side. Her stomach jolted when she saw Sharpay, her back as straight as Taylor's and her expression the same as Gabriella's. Beside her, Zeke sat, a hand placed on Sharpay's knee as he concentrated on service. His face was carefully blank; it was almost as if he knew that he wasn't allowed to feel until Sharpay had fully accepted the blow. Biting her lip, she knew she could never understand what Sharpay was going through, would probably never speak to her about it either. The pain was Sharpay's and Sharpay's alone. Nothing would ever change that. Because no-one would understand what Sharpay was going through, no-one except him and he was the cause of the pain. She pulled her eyes away from Sharpay when she saw the blonde sway and instead, looked around at the people again.
So many weren't crying, it amazed her how many weren't crying. There were so many people that looked as if they were in shock so many that looked as if they expected him to spring forth and jokingly claim the Oscar for the best actor. Because, this performance beat the rest. She could see critics, directors, producers, all sitting in the crowd, none crying as they stared at the front, all in what she knew was shock. She could see the director of his first feature film, sitting two rows back, his hands clasped tightly and his face white. He'd predicted that one day, he would be an Oscar nominated actor. He'd predicted that he would win the Oscar. He couldn't have predicted this. No-one could have and perhaps, that's what would hurt the most.
Very slowly, her gaze moved from the director to the front and she stared at the priest. She could tell he was struggling, he'd known him all his life. He'd christened him in this very church and she watched as the priest stopped, stopped for a moment to stare out at the amassed crowd before, in a choked voice, he told the crowd that at this very moment he'd handed him back to his mother, saying that he'd been christened. She heard people choke, she saw Gabriella bury her face back in Troy's shoulder and a tear fall down Troy's cheek, she saw Taylor collapse onto Chad and watched as Chad wrapped an arm around her neck, she heard the small sob Sharpay let out and the hysterical one her mother did and wondered why that announcement had such an impact. She closed her eyes as she heard soft sobs echo through out the church, before opening them and looking up at the priest as he once more controlled his emotions to call her up. The way she stood up was robotic, the way she walked up those few steps to the podium was automatic. Placing herself behind the podium, she set down the single sheet of paper she'd written on, concentrating on it and breathing deeply before looking up to the hundreds upon hundreds of eyes that were on her. The eyes that were waiting for her to speak with bated breath, some wet from tears recently shed others unemotional and hard. Her gaze swept over them, left to right, front to back and she bit her lip as her eyes settled once again on the front pew, her friends waiting desperately for her to speak. Her eyes locked on Chad and Taylor and Chad flashed one quick smile at her, a shadow of his former smirk, slowly they moved to Martha and Jason who both nodded slightly. They found Troy and Gabriella and Troy offered her the only thing he could, a smile that was meant to remind her of what he was. She offered a small smile back before her eyes locked with Sharpay. The blonde didn't have to smile or nod. The look in her eye told her all she needed to know, the look that told her Sharpay needed someone who knew him, loved him as much as they all did, to speak and that someone was her.
Closing her eyes again, she took another deep breath and looked down at the page in front of her. The words blurred and swirled together and, suddenly, what she had written didn't seem important anymore. Looking up at the crowd, she offered them another smile, a smile she was unaware showed the heartache and pain she was enduring, a smile she was unaware showed just how much he'd meant to her.
"Don't cry," the words left her mouth and echoed around the hall, despite the quietness of her voice. "He hated it when people cried. In fact, he'd probably hate all of this. He'd hate the sadness, the tears, and the heartache. He'd hate it all." She let out a dry laugh at that. She looked down at the paper again. Tears threatened and this time she let them fall, letting out a strangled sort sound that was half-way between a sob and a laugh, she looked up again and met their eyes.
"We're not here to mourn the death of Ryan Evans. Ryan never died." She ignored the gasps in the crowd at her words and instead spoke again. "Yes, I know, Ryan's body died. But Ryan didn't. Ryan himself was never touched by the cancer that took his body. Those of you that saw him before he past on, he was still Ryan." She let out a small, nearly inaudible sob as she remembered him in the weeks before this. "We're not here to mourn the loss of Ryan Evans. Because his body may be gone, but he's not. Everyone who knew him, you still know him. He's still here. You just can't see him. You can still feel the warmth that surrounded him; you know that he's there because his spirit is still here. His heart, not the one that died with him, but the one we all loved him for, is still here. We're not here to mourn the loss of Ryan Evans; we're not even here to discuss how horrible it was that he was put through that. We're here to celebrate what he was, who he was. We're here to celebrate him, not his body or his death. But him. Ryan Evans, the man who proposed to me in the middle of the ocean when I was having a temper tantrum. The man who always had a hug for someone that needed it. The man who always beat Chad in baseball, whether or not Chad admitted it." She grinned when a ripple of laughter went through the audience. Looking down again, she looked up and smiled again.
"We're here to celebrate Ryan's life, his heart. We're here to celebrate everything he was, everything he still is. Ryan Evan's isn't dead, his spirits never passed on and it probably never will. I heard once, that on sleepless roads the sleepless go and that's true. Ryan's spirit is sleepless and it will follow every single one of us on the journey that follows this one bump in the road." She had no way of knowing that her words were beyond that of a twenty-three year old, she had no idea that everything she said she believed in one hundred percent. "Ryan's not dead, no matter what our heads tell us, he's not. He's here and we can all feel him if we try hard enough." Her eyes swept back to her friends and she offered them a smile. One that was so full of that sad sweetness that reminded them she was suffering as well. One that reminded them she was going to marry him, one that reminded them that she was the one that was there at the very end. One that reminded them she was the one that he loved above everything else. She took a deep breath and looked down at the podium again. When she looked up, they were still watching silently, her friends, family were all waiting for her to finish and she just looked at them, the same sad, sweet smile on her lips.
"Ryan was everything I ever wanted. Everything that I loved above everything else. Everything he did, everything he was, it was all for me, or his family, or even more, his friends," this time the sob she let out wasn't choked or quiet, it was full or raw pain that had people wincing and others silently crying harder. "Ryan's heart was so big, God wouldn't let it live." She whispered and brought her hand to her face, the engagement ring he'd given to her a few months before he had been ripped from her, glinted in the sunlight that passed through one of the stained glass windows. Her heart wrenching sobs echoed through the church as she leaned against the podium, her hand still closed tightly over her face.
She didn't realize that every single person in the audience was watching her, their pain forgotten as they watched her endure hers for the very first time. She hadn't realized it was going to be this hard, she hadn't realized that it would hurt so much. She hadn't realized that standing up there, trying to find the strength he'd always said she had in her, would hurt so much. Letting out another sob, she gripped the podium with her other hand as she felt her legs begin to give way. She didn't want it to hurt, she wanted him back, she wanted to look up and find him sitting were she had been, watching her with the smile that was always only for her. Drawing in a shuddering breath, she felt two strong arms wrap around her, pulling her close to comfort. For the first time, she went willingly, wrapping her own arms around them as the hand on her back rubbed up and down soothingly. She let out another sob and buried her face deep in their chest as they continued to hold her.
"Its okay Kels," the person whispered in her ear and she let out another sob as she recognized Troy. Pulling away from him, she tried to dry her eyes only to be enveloped in another hug. She fell into it willingly, and held onto Gabriella tightly as she felt Troy's hand continue the even path up and down her back. Pulling away from her brunette friend, she let out another dry sob as she wiped away the tears still sliding down her face and dripping off her chin. Taking in another shaky breath, she looked down at the coffin that encased Ryan's body, knew that he probably looked like he was asleep, asleep in his clothes and the jaunty little green hat he wore as often as he could, despite everyone's protest that it shouldn't leave the house. Feeling more tears well up, she let go of Gabriella fully and went to the coffin. She knew people were staring, wondering exactly what she was doing and she couldn't care less as she reached the coffin. Its polish so dark it looked black. Reaching out, she ran her fingers over the smooth surface of it. Looking at the flowers that sat on top, twenty-three blue moon roses, one for each year of his life, she felt another tear fall and bit her lip. Closing her eyes briefly, she ran her fingers over it again before leaning down.
"May angels lead you in Ryan." She whispered, her lips brushing the surface of the coffin before she placed a gentle kiss on it and stood back up, her back straight and her eyes wet. Glancing back at the coffin, for a single moment all she saw was him and his smile, the way his eyes twinkled when he was looking at her and hoped that angels really did lead him in.
A/N: So, how was that? Horrible? Alright? I've had a bit of a struggle with this one and I hoped it turned out alright. I love that song and have really wanted to write something to it, anyway, I know Ryan was with Martha and Kelsi with Jason in HSM2, but I've always thought that the two could go together which is why I wrote this! I hope you all liked it, even though it was slightly depressing!