A/N: This is loosely based on Jake Barker's version of Someone like you. So you might want to listen to it on youtube while reading this. It'll set the mood. Reviews are like love.
Julian stared at the newspaper in his hand, unable to set it down, unable to tune it out. This was it, the one thing he had dreaded more than anything. This was his worst nightmare, only this time he wouldn't wake up from this. He would have to deal with it. Trying to get over this would probably kill him and he was sure that he never would, there was only hope that the pain would lessen over time and become this dull reminder of everything he could never have.
Had anyone asked him later, he wouldn't have been able to say for how long he had sat in his living room. Perched on the stupidly uncomfortable designer couch, eyes focusing and unfocusing over the painful reminder he still clutched in his hand. He didn't cry, didn't shout, didn't move at all. He couldn't, it was like the pain stopped the unshed tears that were burning in his eyes from spilling over. No sobs escaped his lips, so tightly pressed together that it hurt.
When he finally put the paper down it was crumbled where his fingers had gripped it too tightly but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. The paper was just another reminder of his crumbled and messed up life.
It was 9am when he called his best friend who answered the phone warily upon seeing Julian's caller ID.
"Jules? Are you okay? Do you want me to come over?"
"No, I'm… I don't… I'm not okay. But no… I mean… It's okay. It was bound to happen right?" His voice sounded hollow and he squeaked the last part of the sentence. "I just… I need you to do something for me."
"Okay, whatever it is, you know I'll do anything for you."
"I know. But you won't like this one."
"Jules, just tell me."
"I want his address." Silence hung between them for a few moments.
"No. Absolutely not. Julian, don't ruin this for him. You can't just show up at his doorstep. That's not fair."
"Shut up for a moment. I'm not going to his house. Do you think I'm that stupid? I just… I want to send a card or something."
"Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"I have to. It… It just feels right. I have to move on at some point right?"
"Jules…." The other man begged.
"No, I have to do this. It's the last he'll ever hear from me. I'm closing our chapter. This… I need this."
"Okay. But don't come crying to me when this blows up in your face."
"Thanks, D. It'll be alright."
Derek quickly rattled off the address Julian had asked for and the two men quickly said their goodbyes, not without Derek reminding Julian once again not to mess around.
Julian took a deep breath, looking down at yet another piece of paper in his hand that had such a deep meaning. This was it, he was really going to try and close the chapter.
Walking towards the little office he had in a spare room, he absentmindedly twirled the paper around in his hands, trying to find the right words in his head.
He sat down at the large desk, pulled out a sheet of paper and found a pen. The tip of the pen hovered over the white paper for a few minutes, while he tried to figure out how to start the letter.
Dear…
No he crossed that out, it seemed too wrong, too formal, too much like a stranger.
Hey,
I know we haven't spoken in a long time and I know we didn't exactly part on the best terms but I just read today's paper and saw it. I guess congratulations are in order.
I'd like to say that I'm happy for you but we both know that that would be a lie and we were so much better than that.
You always knew when I was lying; ever since the day I told you how I felt there were no secrets or lies between us. It wasn't the best situation to be in and be confessing my feelings but it turned out okay. At least for a little while. I was the happiest when I was with you. I know I didn't show that very often but it's true. I never felt more like myself then when you were around.
Do you remember the first night we spend together? The night you fell asleep on top of me? I think that was my favourite. I lay awake for almost an hour just enjoying finally being close to you. I know it sounds weird and I'm sure that's the last thing you want to here right now but I felt so safe with you. You were like my shield, protecting me from everything. You are the only person who ever made me feel like that. Sure I have like five bodyguards protecting me 24/7 but I never felt safer than I did when I was with you. Well until you woke up and moved around so much that you kicked me out of the bed. I don't even know how you managed that. Well, I couldn't be bothered, I just climbed on top of you and you wrapped your arms around me and that's when I finally fell asleep. Back in your arms, nothing could scare me, not even the nightmares. I never had them when I was with you. It was just you and me.
A silent tear finally rolled over his cheek and dropped onto the paper, marking it. The memories came back with a harshness that left him breathless for a few seconds. For years he hadn't let himself remember these moments. Moments he was happy, moments he had spend with him. But he destroyed everything they'd had. He focused back on the letter.
Somewhere along the way we lost that. We lost ourselves, we lost our love. I lost my way back home, back to you.
I'm sorry. For not being ready for the whole thing, for not being ready to show the world; it just never felt like everything would be okay. I'm sorry for doubting that we could make it. I'm sorry for putting my career first when all I've ever wanted was to be with you.
I'm so sorry. I should have fought for what we had.
Tears were running down his cheeks without any hope of stopping them. It was too much. He knew he needed this, he had to let go but it was too hard. He just wanted it back. Everything they had had.
I love you and I will always love you. You are the love of my life and my biggest regret is having pushed you away. I wish I could go back and make it right. But that chance is long gone, we're not the same people we were back then. We have to move on... I have to move on.
So this is it. My final goodbye. I know this isn't fair to you but I needed to do this, I hope you can forgive me someday. Forgive me for ruining us, for ruining what we had and for hurting you. I never meant to.
I hope you are happy, I hope this is what you've always dreamed of. I want nothing more than for you to be happy and save; with no one to tear you down and hold you back. You deserve everything.
I love you
Julian
Julian put the pen down and wiped his hands over his face, rubbing his eyes that were still prickling with tears with the back of his hands. He counted to twenty, taking deep breaths before opening his eyes again.
His eyes trailed over his letter, taking in the mix of words, the tear stained paper and the ink blots where he had hesitated for a moment, trying to find the right words.
The letter was like a representation of himself. Messed up and all over the place with no real structure. He not only lost the one person he loved more than anything else but he also lost himself. This was only another piece of evidence for that. But it had to stop. He had to get through this. Wiping away all the tears left on his cheeks, he pulled out a fresh sheet of paper and started rewriting his letter.
This was easier, it hurt less. It was a dull throbbing accompanying the scratching of his pen. It only took him minutes to rework the letter. It was shorter and less... well, tear inducing.
Setting down the pen once again he gave the letter a once over.
Dear Logan,
I know we haven't spoken in a long time and I know we didn't exactly part on the best terms but I just read today's paper and saw it. I guess congratulations are in order.
So congratulations.
I hope you are happy, I hope this is what you've always dreamed of because you deserve to be happy.
Julian
This was it, this was the one Derek would approve of. He laid it back down onto the heap of different papers while Julian pulled an envelope from one of the drawers and sealed the envelope after sliding the letter in, without looking it over once more. He found the address he had scribbled down earlier and copied it neatly onto the front.
He knew that if he didn't post it right away he would never do it. So he found a stamp and rushed to get his jacket and walked down the street to the mailbox. Letting his fingers linger on the paper a little longer, he took a deep breath before letting it slide out of his hand and into the mailbox.
This was it, there was no going back. Walking slowly back to his house he felt himself breathe taking deep breaths. Despite not having send the original letter he felt lighter, like he could finally breathe without that weight on his shoulders.
He opened the front door and shed his jacket, throwing it onto the little table by the door without a care. Julian stepped back into his living room where he saw the dreaded newspaper. That was the good thing about the winter, the fireplace was already lit and he picked up the crumbled paper. With one last glance at the few lines that had hurt so much earlier he threw it into the fire, his eyes never leaving the words.
Mrs. Michelle Wright and John Logan Wright Jr.
Are pleased to announce the engagement of Mr. Wright's son
John Logan Wright III to James Philipp Lewis, .
The wedding is scheduled for late spring of next year.
Only when the paper was nothing more than blackened ashes did the actor move away to pour himself a glass of whiskey. It still hurt but he hoped that one day he would be able to get over it.
Unbeknownst to Julian a single sheet of paper floated down from the desk in his office, settling silently under the desk. Bearing only a few lines.
Dear Logan,
I know we haven't spoken in a long time and I know we didn't exactly part on the best terms but I just read today's paper and saw it. I guess congratulations are in order.
So congratulations.
I hope you are happy, I hope this is what you've always dreamed of because you deserve to be happy.
Julian
Lines that were supposed to be in a single white envelope on the way to John Logan Wright III but would never arrive. Instead a completely different letter was waiting to arrive at the household in New York, bound to cause a reaction, one way or the other.