Beeping.
Constant beeping. Sort of reassuring. My mind was hazy, but somehow I knew I wasn't dreaming. Slowly, my other senses started coming back to me. The slow, constant rise and fall of my chest. A dull throbbing in my left wrist, leading all the way up almost to my elbow. Slight pressure on my right hand. I cracked my eyes open just an tiny bit. Blurry white invaded my vision, incredibly bright to the point that it was painful. I closed my eyes again and let out a soft groan. That was followed by a gasp from my right side.
"Elsa?" a voice inquired hesitantly.
It sounded familiar. 'Anna' my brain supplied after a few moments.
"Elsa, are you awake? Can you hear me?"
I slowly opened my eyes again, and although I had trouble focusing my vision properly, I'd recognize that shade of auburn red anywhere.
"Anna." I rasped out, my voice almost unrecognizable. I suddenly became aware of how dry my mouth was.
The pressure on my hand increased. I realized it was Anna, holding it, squeezing it.
"God, Elsa, I was so scared. We all were!"
What? Why? Oh, right, now I remembered. Guess it didn't work then.
The knife was resting on my wrist. It was nice and sharp. I applied pressure, but then lifted it again. A bright red line was appearing in its place, a small trickle of blood running down the length of my arm. I stared at it, fascinated, followed it with my eyes until it dripped down my elbow, into the tub. Yes, I was sitting in the bathtub. Cliché much, huh?
The blood had stopped, and I took a deep breath. This was the right thing to do. The only way out. The only way to protect my sister from the monster I had become. Anna. My heart clenched painfully when I just thought of her name. Her lively teal eyes. The smattering of freckles on her face, from cheek to cheek. How her nose crinkled slightly when she laughed. I was doing this for her, even if she might come to resent me for it. Better to hate me for that than the depravities my mind conjured up on a daily basis.
I held the air in my lungs and pressed the knife on my wrist again. I had watched some videos on how to do it right. The artery wasn't in the middle of the wrist, but a bit to the side. I dragged the blade down my arm, and blood immediately started gushing out of the wound. I could actually see my heartbeat. Just a few moments in and I already started to feel a bit light-headed. My right hand was shaking, and I had to let go of the knife. It loudly clattered down.
"Elsa, are you alright in there?"
Shit! I thought I was alone. Oh god, no, please.
"Honey?"
I stared at the door in shock, unable to form a response. My vision started to get blurry.
"You're starting to worry me, Elsa. I'm going to come in, alright?"
No! Please, tell me I locked the door. The knob turned, and I could see the door crack open. Black spots started to appear, and my head was swimming.
"Oh my god, Elsa!"
My mom's face appeared in my peripheral, but I couldn't get it into focus. I knew she had shouted, but it sounded strangely muffled. As if I had wads of cotton stuck in my ears. I faintly heard another voice call out, male this time. Must've been my dad's.
"Call 911! Quick!"
It was strange, knowing there was such a commotion going on but being unable to react in any way to it. My eyelids were getting heavier, and I had to really focus on keeping them open, but it was a losing battle. They slid shut, but someone was shaking me, trying to keep me from drifting off. I felt so tired, so incredibly weary. With a final, inhuman push I managed to open my eyes again and saw two figures leaning over me, but it was too much. Darkness engulfed me.
Thinking back, I realized my mistake. I should have made absolutely sure I was alone, or at least locked the door. Anna was still there, sitting by my side, holding my hand. I could see her clearly now. She looked miserable. Her hair was a disheveled mess, her skin paler than it should be. There were dark circles under her red-rimmed eyes. Her beautiful eyes, filling with tears.
"Why did you do it, Elsa?"
Her voice sounded thin and weak, a far cry from her usually bright and cheery tone. I felt like a piece of shit for doing that to her.
"I'm sorry, Anna.", I somehow managed to get around the lump in my throat. "So sorry." I realized there were tears streaming down my face. Anna stood up and carefully pulled me into a hug, holding me like I was a delicate flower that would be crushed by the slightest pressure. My face was resting in the crook of her neck and she ran a hand through my hair, gently stroking my head, and we both cried until I fell asleep in her arms.
When I woke woke up again, Anna was still at my bedside. She was sitting hunched over, head resting on my hand. The slight snores escaping from her mouth made me smile. She was so incredibly cute. All I wanted to do was run my hand through her hair, hold her close and never let go. And whisper things in her ear. And kiss her. And run my tongue over her taut stomach.
Thankfully I was saved from continuing that train of thought when a nurse entered my room. He smiled briefly when he saw Anna's sleeping form, before focusing his attention on me.
"How are you feeling?" he whispered.
Wow, that was a loaded question. I considered for a moment before answering with "Tired." It's as much of the truth I was comfortable sharing with a stranger. Or with anyone, for that matter.
He smiled again, nodding. "Well, I just came in to check whether you were awake. The doctor will be by in a few minutes to see how you're doing, and check the stitches. You'll get breakfast in about an hour. Any preferences or no-gos?"
I shook my head and he smiled again before leaving, shutting the door with a soft click. The room was silent again, save for the constant beeping and the barely noticeable level of background noise. Street sounds filtering in through the closed window, people walking along the corridor outside. It was suffocating. Just when I though I couldn't take it anymore, Anna stirred slightly. She shifted her head, mumbling incoherentlybefore stilling again. She was too cute for her own good.
I was torn from my reverie when the door opened again, and a middle-aged woman in a white coat strode in, stethoscope around her neck. Apparently she was my doctor.
"Good morning, Miss Jefferson, I'm Dr. Howard. How are you feeling today?" she asked with a cheerful voice that was just a tad too much to be genuine. Well, at least she's trying.
"Okay, I guess." I replied, trying to force a smile on my face.
"Wha...who?" Anna had woken up, she lifted her head, trying to blink away sleep before letting out a yawn.
"Ah, you must be Anna. The younger sister." Dr. Howard said, extending a hand. Anna shook it while saying "Only by seven minutes." sleepily.
The exchange made me smile. Any time I introduced Anna as my 'baby sister' (which was every time I got the chance, I mean come on) she responded with "only by seven minutes." Usually followed by a playful slap to my shoulder.
"I'd like to examine your sister now. Would you mind waiting outside for a few minutes?"
Anna looked at me, reluctance obvious in her stance. "It's alright, freckles." I said, giving her hand a squeeze. "Freshen up a bit, get a coffee and something to eat. I'm sure this will be finished by the time you return." After some hesitation, she let go of my hand and turned to leave the room.
When the door shut behind her, Dr. Howard turned to me. "First things first, I'm going to examine the stitches. Make sure things are healing nicely." After pulling on latex gloves she removed the bandages, and I flinched when I saw the angry gash running from the wrist halfway up to my elbow. With the stitches poking out of my skin it looked kinda unreal.
"Well, the wound itself looks well enough. It should heal up without much fuss. You know it will leave a scar, though?"
I just nodded.
"This might hurt a bit, but try moving your hand around a little."
I did as I was bid and it did hurt, though not as much as I expected. I guess I was on some painkillers. The doctor just hummed, retrieving a needle from her coat pocket. She pricked my fingertips one by one. I was worried when I barely felt the sting in my middle and index fingers.
"Just as I thought." she said, throwing the needle in a bin. "During the operation I noticed that the median nerve was damaged. Nothing serious, though. I'm confident that in a few weeks time you'll have regained full sensitivity and mobility. Take it easy with your hand for a while." She dressed the wound again with some fresh bandages and peeled off her gloves, throwing them in the same bin as the needle.
"Now Elsa...may I call you Elsa?"
I quickly nodded.
She sighed. "Physically you'll be perfectly fine in a few weeks time. Mentally..." She paused for a bit. "The nurse informed that she noticed scars on the insides of your thighs when she dressed you in your hospital gown. I assume they're self-inflicted?"
I averted my eyes. It was answer enough, apparently.
"I'm not going to ask you why. There are people way more qualified for that than I. Just know...just know that no matter how hopeless your situation might seem, there's always a way out. You just need to find it."
I eyed her suspiciously. This sounded strangely personal, but I didn't voice my thoughts.
"I know it's only two weeks until your eighteenth birthday, but since you're not eighteen yet I'll have to keep your parents in the loop. Some time this afternoon our resident psychologist will pay you a visit." She looked me straight in the eyes with a piercing gaze. "Please, work with him. Everybody here wants to help you find your way out." She smiled sadly before speaking up again. "I'll come back tomorrow morning to examine the wound again."
With that, she turned around and left. Her visit left me highly confused and perplexed. I didn't have much time to think on it, though, because the second the door opened Anna burst in, almost knocking over the woman on her way out. She mumbled a quick apology before taking three quick strides and sat down in her chair again, grabbing my right hand.
"How did it go?" she asked. Her breath smelled of coffee. I was glad she had at least gotten something. She'd also straightened out her hair and re-braided it into her trademark pigtails. There were still dark circles beneath her eyes, though.
"Well enough, I suppose." I replied. "The doc said it should heal nicely." I decided not to tell her about the nerve damage. She was worried enough already. She smiled briefly before a heavy silence descended on us. I knew she was burning to ask questions, but she seemed to feel I didn't want to talk about it. Desperate to defuse the awkward tension between us I said the first thing that came to my mind.
"Where are mom and dad?"
"I sent them home last night, told them I'd keep watch over you." Anna replied with a small smile. She always knew how to push the right buttons with our parents. "I called them, though, on my way back up from the cafeteria. They'll be here in about twenty minutes."
I sighed. That was a conversation I was definitely not looking forward to. There was silence again, and the longer it dragged on the more Anna started to fidget. Sure enough, just after a few minutes she raised her voice again.
"Why, Elsa?"
It sounded so broken, so defeated that I could've burst into tears then and there.
"Anna, please..."
"No!" she cut in. "No, you don't get to 'Anna, please' me!" She was getting more worked up by the second. "This was the worst night of my life! I was so afraid, Elsa. Just the thought of losing you made me go up the walls. What could have possibly made you do that?! Why didn't you talk to me? You know you can come to me with anything!" She was clutching my hand so hard it hurt, but I didn't say anything. "Please, just...Why?"
She looked up at me, tears running down her cheeks, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I'd kept the truth from her for so long, and all it did was causing her so much hurt.
"I love you, Anna" I whispered. She gave me a small, watery smile.
"I love you too, Elsa. No matter why you did it, I won't love you any less for it."
"No, Anna. I...I love you. More than a sister should." My voice was so quiet that I wasn't sure if she'd even heard it. Her look of pure confusion wasn't any indication either. Taking a deep breath, I spoke louder. "I'm...I'm in love with you."
I could see how her expression went from confusion to comprehension to...shock? Disbelief? Her eyes were wide open and she had let got of my hand.
"No." It was barely more than a whisper, but the terror in her voice made my heart clench painfully. She stood up and started slowly backing away from the bed. "No no no no, this isn't real, this isn't happening!" Her hands were raised as if she were fending off an attacker. The sight broke my heart, and I noticed the tears falling out of my eyes.
"Anna, please, just let me explain..." I couldn't finish my sentence before she turned around and positively fled my room. And all I could do was lie there while the sobs wracked through my body.
It wasn't long until my mom burst through the door, a panicked look on her face.
"Elsa! Oh my god, you're alive!" She ran to my bedside and enveloped me in a fierce hug. "When I saw Anna sitting outside, crying, I'd feared the worst."
"I may as well be dead to her." I mumbled into her shoulder. I would have cried, but my tear ducts were dry as a desert.
"You...what?!"
Mom slowly lowered my down onto the mattress. "Why...why would you say such a thing, Elsa?"
I sighed. No point in hiding it any longer now. Anna was already hating me, and nothing my parents would do could be any worse.
"Sit down, mom."
Hesitantly she took a seat, looking at me with a mix of fear and anticipation. I should just get it over with. Like ripping off a band-aid. Steeling myself for the backlash, I started to talk.
"I'm in love with Anna."
I was met with the same look of confusion. She really, really reminded me of Anna at that very moment. They looked so much alike.
"What do you mean, 'in love'? As in..."
"As in 'way more than a sibling should'." I finished the sentence for her. I could see the same look of shock on her face. Horror, disbelief, denial...but strangely, I couldn't find disgust. She was quiet for a few minutes, processing what had been unceremoniously dumped in her lap.
After awkwardly clearing her throat a few times she spoke up. "I...I see. Is that...is that why you..." she trailed off.
"Why I slit my own wrist?" I said nonchalantly. She looked up sharply at me, and I was surprised with myself. I realized that, despite everything, I felt sort of...liberated. After holding it in for so long, it felt good finally getting it off my chest. Mom simply nodded in reply.
"Yeah."
Silence again.
"I...I talked to the doctor before getting here. She told me about the scars. On your...your thighs."
"Same reason." I replied to the unspoken question. Mom dragged a hand over her face, looking weary. Bone-tired.
"How long has this been going on, Elsa?"
"I don't know. Two years, three maybe."
"Three years." she whispered, more to herself. "Elsa, why...why did you never talk to us about this?"
"Why did I never talk? How do you imagine that conversation going? 'Hey mom, remember my twin sister? Yeah, I wanna fuck her brains out.' Gee, I couldn't picture anything bad happening."
"Elsa!"
The sharp reprimand reeled me back in again. I realized that it wasn't the right time for my sarcasm.
"What could be worse than this?" mom whispered, gently running a hand over the bandages. "We're a family, Elsa. Your father and I love you both more than anything else in the world. We'd have found a way."
I lowered my eyes, crying again. Guess there were still some tears left. Mom gently wiped them off my cheeks and embraced me again.
"She hates me, doesn't she?" I said after a while.
"Oh, honey, no. Don't even think that. She's...confused, angry. Probably with herself, for not noticing it. Just give her time, she'll come around."
I wanted to believe that. Truly believe. But I couldn't. I had ruined everything. It was quiet again, save for my sobs as I cried into mom's shoulder. She only let go of me when a nurse entered the room, carrying a tray. Breakfast, presumably.
"I...I should go talk to your sister. Will you be okay on your own for a while?"
I just nodded in reply.
"Your father will be here in a few minutes. Do you want me to talk to him?"
I nodded again. I just couldn't go through it a third time.
"Alright. Take care, honey. I'll be back soon." She kissed me on my forehead and left the room.
It felt strange being home again. Despite mom's reassurances, Anna hadn't come to visit me again. Not once, in the whole two weeks I was in the hospital. Every time the door opened and I didn't see a mop of red hair coming through my heart broke a little more. My parents visited often, mom almost daily and dad as often as he could get away from work. Their reaction to my revelation was surprising, to say the least. I had expected to be disowned and kicked out on the street immediately, but they just said that they loved me still, and would help me work through this. Though they didn't specify what they meant with 'this'.
After a few talks with the hospital psychologist it was agreed that I'd see a therapist, twice a week. He diagnosed me with a 'severe depressive episode' or something along those line, I didn't really pay attention. All my thoughts were constantly circling around Anna. What could I do to make things right again?
I'd been home for three days, and in that time didn't speak more than a couple of words with Anna. She spent her times outside, doing stuff with her friends most of the time, and when she absolutely couldn't avoid me she was tight-lipped and evasive. Dinners were incredibly tense. I could tell that my parents, mom especially, wanted to address the big, fat elephant in the room, to discuss it with both me and Anna present, but so far they thankfully had stayed away from that topic. I knew it would come up eventually though, and sooner rather than later.
I stayed scooped up in my room most of the time. Reading, watching TV, anything to take my mind off Anna. It didn't work though. No matter what I did, everything reminded me of her. How I used to read to her when we were kids, how we spent whole nights marathoning crappy shows on Netflix.
It was late now, and I was lying in bed, thinking. The whole house was quiet, my parents asleep and Anna celebrating with her friends somewhere. It was our birthday. The first time we didn't celebrate together. Mom had been heartbroken when Anna had announced that she would be heading out into town rather than stay at home. I didn't feel like much like celebrating either, but I ate a piece of cake, more to appease mom than anything. The gifts had been nice. My parents had gotten me a large sketchbook and art supplies. I knew Anna had gotten me something as well, she had told me so a few weeks ago, but hadn't given it to me. After she had left, I'd snuck into her room and placed my gifts on her bed. The entire season of Firefly on dvd, and three sets of new drumsticks. The ones made of aluminium she always gushed about. They had been expensive, but I'd started saving up months ago. I just hoped she'd like it. The collage made of hundreds of pictures of the two of us I spent weeks creating I kept for myself. I didn't think she'd have appreciated it right now.
I looked at it right now, lying on the bed in the dim moonlight filtering trough the window. I could remember every single occasion where pictures had been taken. I knew going down memory lane wasn't helpful, but I couldn't help it. They reminded me of easier times. When Anna didn't hate me. Wasn't disgusted by me. The tears came unbidden. I tried to stifle the sobs, but the dam broke.
I didn't know how long I'd been lying there, bawling my eyes out, when I heard a soft knock on the door.
"Elsa?"
It was Anna's voice. I hadn't heard her coming home.
"Elsa, can I come in?"
When I didn't answer, I heard the door open. Anna came in and sat down at the foot end of my bed. She smelled of cigarettes, and I though I could detect a faint hint of alcohol, but she seemed sober enough. We were both quiet for a while, Anna looking into space and me trying to stop crying.
"I found your gifts." she said after a while, quietly. "They're really sweet. Thank you." She turned to look at me, and saw the collage. She gasped, and came closer to look at it. "Did...did you make that?"
I just nodded in response.
"It's beautiful." she said, running her fingers over some of the photos.
"I didn't think it would've been appropriate to give it to you, given the current circumstances." I said with a pathetic laugh.
She turned to me and looked me straight in the eyes for the first time since my confession. "I like it." I held it out wordlessly and she took it, spending quite some time looking at all the pictures. I could see a goofy smile forming on her face every now and then, and a few times she'd even chuckle at a memory. After a while she put it away and shuffled around producing an envelope from her back pocket. She handed it to me.
"I, uh, I got you these. I don't...you know, you can take one of your friends if you want, or mom or dad..." she trailed off, avoiding my gaze.
I opened the envelope and out came two tickets for a flight to Orlando, along with two tickets for Disney World. I was speechless. We'd been talking about going to Disney World for years now, just the two us. Long ago we had decided that, as soon as we were eighteen, we would make the trip. I couldn't begin to imagine how long she had saved up to get the tickets. And then it hit me. 'Take one of your friends if you want.' She didn't want to come with me. My heart broke all over again.
"I'm sorry, Anna." I chocked out through my sobs. "I'm so sorry I'm such a fuck-up."
She awkwardly scooted closer to me, obviously unsure how to handle this. She slowly held out her hand, hesitating for a bit before wiping my tears away with her thumb.
"You're not a fuck-up, Elsa." she said quietly.
"Of course I am!" I replied, "My whole life is a complete trainwreck. I'm in love with my sister, I tried to kill myself and it didn't even work, and...and I'll probably try again."
Suddenly, Anna was standing right next to me, her hands on my shoulders, fingers digging in painfully.
"Don't ever say that again! Don't even think it! I can't lose you, Elsa, please...please promise me that you won't hurt yourself."
I was unable to form a response. Her eyes were wide with panic, her mouth slightly open. Only inches away from my face.
"Promise me!"
For the briefest second, her eyes went down to my lips before coming up again, and I lost all restraint. I leaned in, closing the gap and pressing my lips against hers. Her grip on my shoulders slackened, and for a moment she didn't make a move, before she started to slowly move her lips against mine. I was in heaven. I'd spent years imagining how she would feel like, and even my wildest dreams couldn't live up to reality. Her lips were soft and pliant, molding against my own like they were meant to be. Her strawberry lipgloss tasted delicious, and I couldn't get enough.
She broke away abruptly, eyes even wider than before, full of shock, disgust, and...confusion? I heard a smack and my head whipped to the side. It took me a few moments to realize she had slapped me. Hard.
"Why do you do that to me?!" she shouted, tears welling in her eyes. "Why do you make me feel so...why can't you just be my sister?" Her last words had been impossibly quiet, and I realized I had really fucked up now. I realized Anna needed her sister right now, more than anything else, so I did the only logical thing. I leaned up and wrapped my arms around her, pressing her head against my shoulder. She tried to struggle, but soon gave up and just cried into me.
"I'm sorry Anna, I'm so sorry." I whispered into her ear. "I'll never do it again. I promise." And I meant it. She cried for hours until she finally fell asleep in my arms.
It was October now, four months since our kiss. The day after, Anna had packed a few bags and said that she'd move to her friend Erica's place for a while. She'd said she needed space to think. I noticed that she had left my gifts, and the collage, behind. Two weeks later she came back, and avoided me even more. We didn't exchange a single word for a whole month. One time, during dinner, she had announced that she would go to Harvard instead of Yale. She claimed that the physics department at Harvard was way more advanced than at Yale, which was actually true, but I knew it wasn't the real cause. I would go to Yale. We had always planned to go to uni together, if possible even share a dorm. And I had ruined it. Ruined everything. In the end, I didn't go to Yale either. I just stayed at home, doing nothing. I went to the sessions with my therapist, made all the right sounds at the right time, but deep down I knew that I couldn't go on like that. I hadn't talked to Anna since she had left for college, almost two months ago. It was time.
I'd made sure everything went right this time. Mom and Dad were out for the evening, celebrating their anniversary. It didn't feel right to sully their special day, but it was the only time I was alone in weeks. They thought they were pretty stealthy about it, but I had realized right away how they had re-arranged their schedules so that someone would always be at home. With me.
After retrieving everything I needed from my dad's tool shed, I locked the door to my room, just to be sure, and placed the letter on my desk. In plain sight. It was addressed to Anna.
Lying down, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down before pulling the bag over my head. I did my best to get all the air out before taping it securely to my neck, making sure it was airtight. Then I pressed down on the cordlock and opened the tube going from the bag to the small tank of helium. I had read about that. It was painless, with very little chance of anything going wrong. It wouldn't make a mess.
My breathing was just a little bit faster than usual. Nervousness, I guess. It didn't take long before I started feeling light-headed, but I expected that. I knew that unconsciousness would come very fast, not even five minutes after beginning, and death about fifteen to twenty minutes later. My breaths were getting shallow now, and I could feel slight panic setting in. I knew it was a natural reaction of the body to not getting enough oxygen. I resisted the urge to tear off the bag and continued breathing in the helium. Black dots appeared in my peripherals, and I knew that it wouldn't be long now. Before everything went to black, my last thoughts were with Anna. How beautiful she was, inside and out. Her lovely smile, how she loved to laugh. How her lips had felt. And I was strangely at peace.
"Honey, come down now. It's time." mom called out. I sighed, setting the brush down. There was nothing more I could do. I would just leave my hair down. I knew it would clash with my dress, but I didn't care about that. I had done my level best to cover up the bags and dark rings under my eyes, but they still showed. I left my room and trudged downstairs, to my waiting parents. Silently, we all piled into the car and drove to the church. It was already full, but the front pew was reserved for us. I had a perfect view of the casket. It was open, and her picture stood next to it. It was one of the rare ones where she smiled, truly smiled. Not just a fake one for the camera. She was so beautiful. I could already feel the tears gathering in the corners of my eyes. The collage of our pictures was on the other side.
After the service was over, and people started slowly filing out of the church, I stayed behind. I knew there were people waiting to get the casket to the crematory, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Lying there. She looked so peaceful. I remembered the last line of her letter. 'I know you will blame yourself for this, Anna, but please don't. In the end, it is better this way. I want you to live a full and happy life. I love you.'
I fell to my knees and pressed my forehead against the cold, polished wood, tears running down my face.
"I love you too, Elsa."
A/N: this thing just came to me in the dead of the night and i hacked away.
If you are suicidal, or even toying with the idea, please get help. there's a ton of helplines and institutions that just want to help get back on your feet. don't throw your life away!
peace out