Disclaimer: Yo dogs, the sppppaazcrack-attack and douchedog-a-hog don't own twilight...our brother from another mother, our sister from another mister...stephenie meyyyzzzerrr doooesss!!!!
COPYRIGHT!: Wanker Productions is strictly owned by the awesome the over-all amusement masters of fan-fiction, SPAAAZZZCRACK AND DOUCHEDOGGGGG! You dig?
Warning: This story is intended to annoy, if you have any objects stuck up a certain part of your body, turn away right now. Trust me when I say...this tournament is not for the faint hearted. *all Dumbledore of the goblet of fire like* ok, done.
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The rain dribbled down the windows, each drop splitting and joining in an incredible dance of graceful falls and jumps, spinning in a dizzying array of-
Ahh GOTCHA! Now time for the FOR REALZ story!!
Once upon a time, in far away land named Forks, lived a family. And not just any family. This family was known across the land as being secretive and mysterious. Everyone wanted a piece of them.
Edward Cullen, the mind reader of the family- shh!- knew this better than anyone. Every day, whenever he walked past girls at his school- Forks High- he heard a constant string of, "Gimme, gimme more, gimme more, gimme gimme more!" following him.
It was never ending.
The family always wondered why exactly the town always gave so much attention to them and Brittany Spears. It just didn't make sense. If they knew that they were Vampires and Brittany spears was an Ogre In Disguise (OID) then they would go running.
But the town didn't know that and so they kept singing Brittany songs and pissing off Edward. They held their fascination with tight grips and never wanted to let go.
If only they knew what was really in the town of Forks, past the river, in the forest, up a near invisible path, through the closed doors of a white old fashioned mansion, in the lounge, sprawled across the couch: Wanna-be surfer vampires. SHOCK HORRER!
"Duuuuuude."
"Nah, man," Emmett corrected Jasper. "It's 'DuuUUuuUUuuUUuude!'"
Jasper tried to imitate Emmett's perfect articulation.
"D-d-dah-ooooooooooooooooooood."
"Jazz Fingers, you're too flat," Alice commented as she skipped into the room. Her pixy like features were open and friendly, but her words were poison to Jaspers ears. "You've got to put some more enthusiasm into your 'duuuudes'. You know?"
"Yeah bro, it started out like you were goth, then emo, then punk, then goth again and then suddenly you were like, 'da-oood'. What was up with that?"
Jasper stared between the two of them, casting out his extra sense to get the feel of his wife and his brothers feelings.
Alice was trying to be reassuring, but Jasper could imagine the frustration that would come if he couldn't get his surfer talk right. Emmett was attempting encouragement, a good natured brotherly feeling coming over him. But Emmett was large, and his head even bigger and a lot emptier than his humungo biceps. Jasper didn't trust Emmett's feelings when his empty head could be concocting a devious plan to push him to the limits.
They were out to get him. To get him and blind fold him, and instead of shoving him in a closet for seven minutes of heaven, they would fly him to Sydney Australia and throw him off the Harbor Bridge with anvils tied to his legs, arms.
With determination in his heart and a hint of mental in his eyes, Jasper puffed out his chest, stretched out his arm like Edward in the Twilight movie flying through the trees and yelled at the top of his lungs, "FOR THE LOVE OF DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!"
Alice and Emmett flinched, their eyes blinking slowly, faces blank. Esmes' head popped out from around the corner with an intensive 'what the hell…' face (it was her specialty, though only shared when something was worthy).
Jasper swallowed nervously and took in his family's expressions. They were silent in respect, he thought. Respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
-Oh great Jasper. Thanks. Now that song is going to be in my head-
Wheezing laughter choked its way from Emmett's mouth and Alice barely suppressed a grin.
"Ah, man? Did-" Emmett swallowed back another chuckle. "- Did your voice just break?"
"NO!" Jasper screwed up his face and crossed his arms over his chest, lips turning sulky. The child like denial pushed Emmett over the edge and he jumped up and ran to the front door, cackling, his arms holding his sides together.
Alice giggled behind her hand and sent Jasper an apologetic look.
The door slammed and the sound of Emmett's giggling drew farer.
"Jasper…" Esme stepped out from the hallway. "I do believe your voice broke."
Jasper got the urge to steal Rosalie's blush and make his face red to show his anger.
"NO IT DIDN'T! IT DIDN'T BREAK! MY VOICE IS PERFECT! PERFECT I TELLS YA!"
Esme squealed and jumped up and down on the spot.
"OH MY! MY BABY'S VOICE BROKE! CAMERA! CAMERA! CAMERA!"
She ran from the room and Jasper felt a twitch starting in his left eye. He stared at Alice glumly, searching for comfort from his girl.
Alice tried to keep a straight face but as soon as her eyes landed on him she burst into fits and had to look away. She attempted to calm down exactly 37.98 times, glancing up, bursting into laughter and looking away, calming, and then glancing again.
Esme came back with the camera and started snapping photos of Jasper sulking on the couch.
"Oh come on now, jasper! Give me something to work with!"
Jasper glared.
"Tiger! Rawr!" Esme growled and made claws at Jasper, dropping to the ground and crawling toward him, baring her teeth. Alice started laughing like a maniac, falling to the ground and rolling around.
"That…That's so cliché," Alice barely got out.
"Really? Hmm." Esme's face brightened and she held her index finger up in the air. "DOLPHINS!"
Alice let out a new bout of laughter.
Jasper made a " D: " face as Esme dropped to the ground and started flapping her body up and down, make "E-E-E-E-E-EE-E-EE-E-E-E-E-E" noises meant to resemble a dolphin.
The "E-E-E-E-E-EE-E-EE-E-E-E-E-E" was echoed by a distant Emmett. Jasper tore back the lace curtains behind him to see Emmett skipping around the forests edge in a grass skirt and a flower tiara, still choking on his giggles.
"Jasper! Come on! Do the dolphin!!"
Esme smiled huge and began to snap more photos of him.
Jasper took in Alice almost crying on the floor- laughing at him.
He glared at Emmett outside giggling with the fairy princesses- giggling at him.
Esme poked the camera at his face and sent the flash off right in his eyes- flashing at HIM.
"Dolphin?" Jasper asked, dead calm, betraying what was boiling inside. "You want me to do the dolphin?"
Esme nodded enthusiastically, "Aha!"
Jasper snatched the camera from Esmes hands and yelled, "I'LL GIVE YOU THE DAMN DOLPHIN! HA! ALLITERATION! I'M SO SMART!" He threw the camera at Emmett. It crashed through the window, nothing stopping the flying contraption that was not meant to fly.
"Oh look," Alice commented absently. "It's a natural born flyer."
The camera whooshed past Emmett's head and he followed after it, horrified.
"Noooooooooo!" he yelled in slow motion as the camera collided with empty space, falling to the ground with a thump. "FLOSSFLOWER! PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP! YOU CAN PULL THROUGH THIS!"
Esme pulled her 'what the…' face yet again.
"FLOSSFLOWER! YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND! I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!" Emmett sobbed. After one last anguished cry his eyes turned to fire as he stared back at jasper standing behind the broken glass. "JASPER! WHEN FLOSSFLOWER IS BURIED IN THE TRADITIONAL WAYS OF THE FEY YOU ARE DEAD TO ME."
Jasper rolled his eyes and turned to Esme and Alice. They were both silent for a moment before Alice's giggles started coming back and Esme realized she no longer had her camera. Her face started to fall and her lips trembled.
Jasper couldn't let it get that far and he screamed, "ARE YOU ALL ON CRACK?!"
They went silent. Even the sound of Emmett singing twinkle twinkle little star outside sacredly stopped immediately.
"You!" He pointed at Alice. "You are my wife! And you LAUGH at me in my time of NEED?!"
"And YOU!" He pointed at Emmett who was mid pirouette. "Just… YOU! YOU ARE A WEIRDO!"
"You!" Jasper pointed to Esme, his eyes popping wide from his head as he shook his head. "What the hell is with the camera, woman?! I am NOT your dolphin model you MENTAL!"
Jasper breathed heavily and Esme's face when stone cold.
"Mental?" She asked coldly. "Mental… Hoohahahahooohahahahhooooooooooooooo! No one calls me mental!"
Esme then proceeded to go mental.
It was quite a show, Jasper had to admit. The leaping like a frog was especially impressing. The only downside was it ended with Esme de la frog leg whacking him square in the face.
Alice cracked up once again as Jasper stumbled back into the window sill.
Jasper felt unshedable tears sting his eyes and his lips quivered.
"You…you hit me." He pressed his fingertips to his cheek and stared at Esme.
"BAHAHAHAHA," Alice burst out.
Esme was licking the wall, too distracted to hear Jasper.
Jasper didn't know what to do. He searched the room for an answer to his life, only finding Edward sitting calmly in an arm chair, book resting on his knee.
The two stared at each other blankly before jasper yelled, "YOU!" He pointed at Edward. "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?"
"YOU!" Edward mocked, pointing like a crazy old man. "ONE: I'VE BEEN HERE SINCE THIS MORNING BECAUSE EMMETT PUT SUPER-DUPER-SUPER VAMP GLUE ON THE BUTT CUSHION AND TWO: THIS IS TOO FUNNY."
Jasper folded his arms across his chest and sniffed, lifting his head defiantly.
"Well you know what? I don't need you! I'm going to go play with Susan and are you really stuck to that chair?"
"Ah nah, idiot."
"SHUT UP! WHY ARE YOU ALL OUT TO GET ME?!"
"Ah nah, idiot."
"Huh?"
"Ah nah, idiot."
"No, seriously."
"Ah nah, idiot."
He looked to Alice for help as to what Edward was trying to say but she had her face stuffed in the sofa cushions trying to overcome her laughter.
"Fine! Susan and I are leaving!" Jasper bent down and picked up a large and particularly sharp piece of glass from the broken window. "Come on Susan," he muttered, hugging the glass to his chest. "We don't need them. You can be my new wife and my new brother and my new mother and my new everything. A whole new world! And when we're way up here, it's crystal clear that now I'm in a whole new world with you…." Jasper disappeared up the stairs, singing to his beloved Susan.
Alice broke her head free from the couch cushions, gasping through her cackling.
"He..His… he used exclamation points!" She collapsed against the arm and Edward stared at her, blinking once, twice, another time.
Suddenly from above, an evil cackle was heard. Jasper appeared at the top of the stairs in a V for Vendetta type mask, carrying a basket.
"You'll pay, YOU'LL ALL PAY!" He let out another evil laugh, before emptying out the contents of his basket.
Showers of pebbles came down on the family, bouncing off their bodies and crashing to the floor.
The distinct "wtf?" look placed on all their faces was quickly washed away at the sight of jasper heaving a huge sandstone rock over the staircase, throwing it in Emmett's direction.
"Introducing Sergeant Shizenhower, the leader of my rock army! ATTACK HIM MY PRETTY, ATTACK! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Emmett giggled and stepped to the side, dodging the rock as it slammed into the ground, cracking in two.
The anguished cry Jasper let off had the family wincing, his newly broken voice making him sound like a cat being strangled.
"WHY MUST ALL THE THINGS I LOVE LEAVE ME?! SUSAN!!!!!!!!!" Jasper ran off in search of Susan, sobbing as the laughter of his family followed him to his lair.
X.x.X.x.X.x.X.x.X.x.X
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