Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Arkham Asylum

by Joshua The Evil Guy

One-Shot. The asylum Buffy was sent to after burning down her gym, but before going to Sunnydale wasn't just any asylum. No, it had to be the best there was; Arkham Asylum.

Title: Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Arkham Asylum

Author: Doc4 (Edited and Formatted by Joshua)

Disclaimer: BtVS and all associated characters are owned by Mutant/Enemy Productions, and Batman and all associated characters are owned by DC Comics. There is no direct correlation between this fanfic and the video game series Batman: Arkham Asylum or Batman: Arkham City.

Summary: One-Shot. The asylum Buffy was sent to after burning down her gym, but before going to Sunnydale wasn't just any asylum. No, it had to be the best there was; Arkham Asylum.

Editor's Note: This story was shared with me by my friend and fellow author, who goes by the moniker "Doc4", quite a few years ago. Despite my offers to assist and even attempts to do so, he hasn't done anything with any of these stories that he shared with me, and so seeing that he's not going to share it with the world, I will. I, of course, am giving him full credit where credit is most assuredly due, but come on, ten years and not posting it, or even continuing it? Therefore, everyone that wants to see this continue, bug him, Doc4, about it, as he's the author, I'm just "publishing" it for him. :)

Story:

It had seemed like a good idea at the time, to her parents at least. An offer from one of the premier mental institutes in the country. Surely they could help her with her 'problem'. I mean, seeing vampires and demons wasn't normal, she had to be crazy.

Right?

And so, Buffy Summers, the Vampire Slayer, gifted with strength and reflexes beyond the norm, as well as instinctive combat abilities and precognitive dreams (not that they ever gave her a chance to prove all that) found herself shipped off to Arkham Asylum 'for her own good'.

But she wasn't insane. At least, she wasn't insane when she got there.

Then she met her fellow inmates.

It hadn't been her idea, her psychiatrist asked her for proof. So she'd torn the arm off the metal chair and bent it into a pretzel. The guy had panicked and before she could say 'he asked for it', she was shipped into the maximum security ward, sharing her time with big time 'super villains' like Poison Ivy, Clayface and Two Face. Admittedly, for the most part they didn't seem too bad. Sure, they were completely twisted and deranged, but they seemed to be awful accepting of her claims of destiny and vampire. Ivy had even jumped to her defence, saying the plants 'recognised the Planets true Guardian' or something. Two Face had taken her further education to be his responsibility and, between him and Ivy, kept her at high school level in general topics like maths and English, as well as giving her working knowledge of law and botany. Other members of the population had gotten involved and soon she had basic education in psychology, engineering and even some knowledge of mind control techniques (thanks, Jervis, not sure how that will help...).

All this attention, of course, had earned her some unwanted and unneeded attention. Not from the Warden or the guards. No, from Gotham's resident 'Dark Knight'.

Batman.

He'd been intrigued and a little wary when he'd heard about the unofficial adoption between Buffy and the inmates of Arkham and decided to check thing out himself. He was abrupt, brutal and had left her shaking afterwards with his accusations and demands. He'd left with a head full of unwanted knowledge about vampires and Slayers he was going to ask his allies in the mystical community about, but no further understanding about why the most vicious member of Gotham society had gravitated to this girl. Her new 'family' had likewise been upset about her treatment Killer Croc had offered to tear his arms off.

Buffy thought that was rather sweet of him. The thought that she found a promise of violence and mutilation on her behalf sweet made her wonder if maybe she'd been here too long.

The Council of Watchers (and boy, was she surprised – and a little peeved – to find out there was a council of these guys) obviously agreed, sending an assassin to eliminate her and allow a new Slayer to be called. This attempt caused a little bit of chaos in the ward, a lot of mad crazy people, which was never a good thing. But a lot of it calmed to concern over the one that saved her life.

"So, YOU'RE the one everyone's fallen in love with," the smooth yet rough, high pitched yet low, insane yet intelligent tones of the Joker said as he stepped away from the assassin, laying in a pool of his own fluids as he giggled happily into oblivion. "And with an assassin already out to kill you? Who'd you piss off, girly?" So she told him the story all of her 'teachers' knew. "Vampires and demons? Slayers and destiny? Sounds impossible. Insane! Why, that sort of darkness would surely swallow the world!" The Joker wrapped an arm around her shoulder as he led her away from her would be murderer. "Sounds like my kind of party. Tell me more!"

Laughter and giggles had filled the halls for a while after that as the Joker taught the Slayer (as they all called her. No one used their 'true' names in this place, after all) everything he could to add onto the insane ideas, theories and techniques she'd already learned.

By the time she'd left, 7 months after being committed, her release pushed forward by the Council who decided it would be easier to kill her on the field, she was far closer to insane than she had been when she'd been locked away. Her mother, who had won custody of her during the divorce and had demanded she be released, had taken her to a small, peaceful town far from Gotham and the hell hole her daughter had come to think of as more of a home than anything her parents had provided for her and the family she'd made.

A town called Sunnydale.

It's a good thing sanity was optional.

First Day at Sunnydale High

Buffy giggled as her arrival caused a boy, distracted by her tight jeans and low cut white blouse, to crash his skateboard, sending him careening into one of the gardens. She made a mental note to check the plants later. Ivy rubbed off on me. Not a bad thing, she thought idly as she made her way to the office, making sure to give the poor boy a wink for his attention, which distracted him enough to cause him to run into a cheerleader.

She could tell, this place was going to fun.

Her meeting with the principle went as expected, he baulked at her burning down the gym at the last school, he nodded at her time in Arkham, obviously considering that time to have 'cured' her or else she wouldn't be here.

She had to suppress a giggle at that one. Someone come out of Arkham Max Sec, or the Fun House as Joker called it, sane? Who was he kidding?

Then again, she'd giggled a lot since the Joker had shown her the ropes. He must have rubbed off on her more than she thought, too. Or he'd snuck some of his happy gas into her at some point. Either or, didn't really bother her either way.

Flutie, the principle, had given her a list of books for her classes and sent her to the Library, where she'd met a stiff upper lip, straight backed and, quite honestly, boring British Librarian who turned out to be her new Watcher.

Well, THIS guy was going to be fun. She wondered how long it would take to turn him into a giggling, drooling mess on the Library floor.

Given his total disconnection to reality, she was betting six months. Tops.

Lunch was pretty much as expected. She sat at a table and everyone avoided her. Apparently someone had spilt the beans about her stay at Arkham. Maybe she should get some of the … dresses Ivy sent her out of storage. That should make her popular. And give her targets in the girls that thought she was too good looking. Could be fun. She'd spent most of it by the garden the boy had fallen into, making sure he hadn't crushed any of the plants. Ivy had shown her different plants, how to tell each species from another, but these plants didn't match any of them. If she didn't know better, she'd think Ivy had been here.

They were alive. And they liked her.

Something didn't add up. She decided to bring it up with Watcher guy, over hearing on the way about a dead guy in a locker with no blood left. A small, wicked grin spread over her face.

Time to test some of her new toys. Right after asking Watcher Guy about the mutant plants. And a letter to Ivy about them.

That night, outside the Bronze, Willow, Jessie and Xander watched in shock as their three 'dates' turned into dust. On the roof top across from them, Buffy grinned as she slipped her miniature crossbow back into her bag and moved off, silently thanking Deadshot for his lessons n marksmanship.

Arkham Asylum

2 weeks later

"You wanted to see me, Warden?" Warden Sharp jumped a bit, looking at Batman standing near the window.

"Do you HAVE to do that?" The Warden muttered. Batman stood emotionless as the Warden picked up a piece of paper and handing it to him. "As you know, we monitor all of the inmates mail. This arrived for Ivy. We passed on the original, to gauge her reaction."

"And?" Batman asked, taking the letter and reading silently to himself.

Hey Ivy!

Just dropping a line, making sure you haven't wilted yet. They really need to get you some sun-lights or something for your cell. Did you land that guard yet? Whatisname, Cling? Clean? Gah, you know who I'm talking about, right? The one with the nice arms.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you something: you ever been by Sunnydale before? 'Cause it's really, really weird, but the plants are alive. Every single one. Not mutated or anything, just... alive. They have their own life force, they don't match any existing genus (I checked every resource you showed me. Even the less legal ones) and they really, really like me. It was kind of hard to explain walking through the park and EVERY FREAKING TREE bends over so I'm walking in shade. I think it might be because this one guy bungled his way into a garden at school (though that MAY have been the fault of my clothes) and I checked up to make sure he hadn't damaged anything, but it might be that OTHER thing I told you guys about too. Wise Old British Guy blubbered something about a Hellmouth and said he'd look into it, buuuuuuuut I thought I'd go to the expert. Any ideas, hun, 'cause I'm stumped. Let me know ASAP.

Love and kisses to all my favourite psychos (except Zasz. Freak)

Buffy

Batman grunted as he read it before looking at the Warden. "Any reaction from Ivy?"

"Surprise," Sharp said. "I get the feeling she had no idea what the girl was talking about," he didn't say anything about the mention of a Hellmouth. Batman had brought Dr Fate to explain to him about Slayers and demons after Buffy's mother had demanded the girls release. A letter from a group in England had also provided him all the proof he wanted or needed. The girl wouldn't be spending any more time in Arkham. Unless of course, her first stay damaged her beyond repair, though there was no real proof of that just yet, aside from how easily she seemed to toss around Ivy's nature and what she'd learned while inside.

"Which means Ivy's never been to Sunnydale," Batman said. "Which also means someone else is playing in Ivy's greenhouse, or these plants are a natural – or supernatural – mutation."

"I don't think I'm happy with either idea," Sharp said, turning away for a moment to pick up his cup of tea. "Do you have any ideas Bat..." he turned back to see the Batman had already left. The Warden blinked before returning to his desk, muttering about 'damn vigilantes'.

The Batmobile

Leaving Arkham

"Oracle, give me everything you can on Sunnydale, California," Batman ordered as the Batmobile sped back to Gotham City.

'Problem, Bruce?' Barbara Gordan, the enigmatic information hub known as Oracle, asked as her fingers began tapping at her keyboard.

"Maybe," Batman told her about the letter and it's contents. "This might not be up our alley, but..."

'You don't trust the girl,' Barbara finished for him. 'Considering her 'teachers', I don't blame you. Alright, Sunnydale... huh, that's odd?'

"What is it?"

'I can give you it's founding, who it's Mayor is, but anything else seems to be restricted, and not by any government agency I'm aware of either,' Barbara informed him. Batman growled slightly. This case just got more interesting. 'Alright, whoever did this security did it back when computers were first made. I'm in... Holy...'

"What's wrong?"

'This place... it's hell, pure and simple. It's death rate equals Gotham easily, but there's no report of anyone that would stick out as a super villain. Just reports of gang activity and the highest rate of PCP usage in the country. And... barbecue fork stabbings?'

"Let me guess, two pin prick wounds on the side of the neck with all the blood gone."

'Got it in one," Barbara said. 'Which would explain the amount of churches and cemeteries... Bruce, this place is insane. And the weirdest thing? There have only been three mayors: Richard Wilkins the First, Second and Third, and they all look exactly the same. There's been no record of an election either.'

"I think it's time to have a look at this first hand," Batman said.

'Planning a trip to LA?'

"Not for myself," he said, cutting the communication as he prepared for another call. "Call Nightwing."

Iceberg Lounge

Same time

"Cobblepot here."

'PENGY!' Oswald Cobblepot, largely more well known as the Penguin, semi-retired criminal (with a little bit of fencing on the side to help support his lounge of course) pulled the phone from his ear slightly.

"Slayer, what the devil are you doing calling me?" He snapped. He liked the girl he'd been introduced to on one of his 'supply runs' to Arkham (as a favour to the Warden, he supplied the food for the more... special needs patients, since he knew what most of them ate). Harley had introduced the delightfully intelligent child to him and he found himself, like most of his erstwhile colleagues, slowly gravitating towards the pint-sized titan (for lack of a better term), to the point of supplying her with magazines and the odd blade she kept as a 'security blanket' til the guards found it and took it away. Honestly, she was worse than Zasz sometimes.

'Oh, you know, I missed my birdman,' Slayer responded. He could hear the smile and near laughter in her voice. Honestly, the girl spent too much time with that freak Joker. 'Actually, I was hoping you could help me with a few things.'

"Oh, of course my dear," he said, his voice becoming smooth and inviting. "For a price, of course."

'Vampires don't have a lot of need for money. After I dust them, anyway,' she said. He could hear the sadistic grin on her face. He really did like the girl, but sometimes, she freaked him out. 'I've managed to collect around $2000 in cash and various other trinkets, watches, jewellery, this really neat dagger I'm not selling, but a weird ass disc that I'm willing to let go. Jewel encrusted, Giles had a heart attack when he saw it and demanded I get it off the Hellmouth. I figure you could melt it down for something. Or it would make a nice paper weight.'

"Only you would suggest using an item that scares someone dealing in the supernatural as a paperweight," Oswald said, shaking his head.

'But it's really shiny. It'd go nice with your hat,' she said. He could hear her pouting.

"What exactly do you need?" He asked. Buffy listed off some lab equipment that sounded like stuff Ivy would ask for, chemicals Joker or Scarecrow would usually use in their concoctions and some weapons that definitely weren't legal. "That's quite a list, my dear. Are you sure you can afford it?"

'By the time you get here, yes,' she said confidently. 'I'm gonna raid one of the mausoleum's that have Watcher guy unsure. He says their might be some valuable artefacts. I might find you a pretty trinket or twenty.'

"I'm looking forward to it," Oswald said. The two said their goodbyes and hung up, leaving him to organise for his little trip.

One week later

Oswald waddled into the school, well after hours, with a small gym bag full of some weapons that Buffy had asked for and two of his bodyguards behind him. The girl said she'd be waiting in the library with her Watcher and a large number of trinkets and doohickeys he wanted out of Sunnydale that looked like they could be worth something. Given the girls eye for precious stones (she'd sent him some rather nice items she'd 'picked up' from a visit with her 'father' that ended up being worth quite a bit more than she'd thought), he was quite looking forward to it.

To say Rupert Giles was less than happy with his Slayer's idea of getting rid of said doohickeys was like saying the sky was blue. Handing them over to a supposedly reformed criminal like the Penguin didn't sit well with him, though he had to admit it did make sense. The Penguin had promised to have them melted down, given his word of honour, even offered to let Giles watch. The Watcher wasn't all that sure they could trust him, but Buffy seemed to be sure it was alright.

"Hi, Pengy!" Buffy yelled as said individual walked into the Library, running over to hug him tightly. Giles couldn't quite understand how all this so-called 'super villains' had gravitated to her, or why, but much of what they had taught her were quite interesting and useful, he was forced to admit. "You bring the stuff?"

"This is but a sample, my dear," was the answer as the bag was dropped onto the table. Giles looked on curiously as Penguin began emptying the bag. "One collapsible compound bow. 200 hundred arrow head fixtures with hollowed out capsules and an auto release on the tips..."

"What, exactly is that for?" Giles asked Buffy just gave him that slightly scary smile as she picked up the box containing the arrow head.

"Ever wonder what would happen if you introduce holy water directly to a vampires heart?" she asked innocently. "I did!"

"Oh, I... good Lord," he muttered. That was just... devastating. A capsule release system like that would make several non-lethal weapons to vampires extremely lethal!

"One wakazashi, blessed and carved with crucifixes down the blade," Penguin continued.

"Shiny!" Buffy cooed, picking up the blade gently.

"And finally a copy of Zelcario's Grimorum Necronomicon, unabridged in it's original Latin," he finished putting the book in front of the salivating Watcher. "And you have NO idea how much that cost or how hard it was to find."

"Where DID you find it?" Giles asked in shock. That book was supposed to be lost. How did Buffy even know about it?

"You talk in you sleep after all nighters," Buffy answered his unasked question.

"As to where I found it..." Penguin began, shrugging. "AuctionWeb, fascinating little site. I bought myself some shares not long ago, I have a feeling it's going to take off rather shortly," Giles was forced to blink at that. What?

"Internet, Giles," Buffy explained. "That dreaded computer thing you avoid like the plague?"

"As amusing as his technological ineptitude is," Penguin stated. "I don't do this for free. You know that Slayer."

"Yup, I know," Buffy nodded, reaching under the table. "And I'd never drag you from Gotham without paying, Pengy. Bad business," she dumped to large, full bags on the table. She unzipped one and pulled out a wad of cash. "Vamps in Sunnydale don't just deal in blood and death, apparently."

"Yes, I was, uh, quite surprised to discover they were doing a rather decent drug trade," Giles field in. "We raided some nests to discover their labs, which Buffy destroyed, and a large sum of money, which we... acquired."

"And there's also lots of golden goodies that need melting," Buffy said, reaching into the bag and pulling out a large golden disk, inset with rubies. Penguin's eye went wide in shock.

"WAK!" he quacked. The muscle behind him just looked on, eyes gleaming in greed.

"We like this girl, Mr Cobblepot," one said.

"She gets good stuff."

"That she does, boys, that she does," Penguin nodded, reaching to look through both bags. The girl was rich and didn't know it. She had a knack about this, that was for sure. "This is worth far more than what you ordered, Slayer, but I think I can help you make something extra and, of course, make sure the money is clean as a whistle. For a fee, of course."

"Of course," Buffy nodded in agreement. "Wouldn't want to cheat you out of your hard earned cash, Pengy."

"I'm glad you understand. Perhaps a nice place for you to use as your base of operations would be order. Something more suitable then..." he looked around at the library, wrinkling his pointed nose.

"Oh, my very own Batcave!" Buffy squealed in delight. "That'd just piss Pointy Ears off."

"Is that... wise?" Giles asked. Buffy shrugged.

"Not like we're doing anything illegal," she said. "Besides, Croc still promises he'll rip his arms off if he tries anything."

"I don't know how you can get along with him" Penguin said in disgust. "He's so... crude."

"The guys I usually deal with are just as bad," Buffy retorted. "And Croc can be sweet once you get to know him. He bit a guys ear off because he was giving me a bad look."

"Good Lord..."

"I have neat friends," Buffy said seriously. "All the guys at Arkham are a lot sweeter than most people think," her face crinkled up in an almost cute manner. "Except for that freak Zasz. I swear, one more freaky comment about my mom and I woulda put him in traction. After ripping off his ba..."

"Good heavens!" Giles managed to choke out.

"You have your hands full with this one, Mr Giles," Penguin said, pulling out his card. "If you ever need anything else, or you're in Gotham, give me a call. Slayer's done good by me and my erstwhile colleagues, and we try to do good by her."

"Er, yes, thank you, Mr...Cobblepot," Giles said, taking the card. It seemed the Penguin would be a better source of equipment than the Council. For a fee, of course.

"So, Giles," Buffy asked, holding her new compound bow, fully extended. "About this Harvest you got info on..."

Next Night

Angel waited by the Bronze, hoping the Watcher at the school had gotten the info he'd snuck through to him. He'd hoped to hand it directly to Buffy but things didn't go quite to plan. He hadn't seen the Slayer since she'd moved into Sunnydale. He knew she'd been working, he'd heard all about the nests and mausoleums she'd been raiding and Sunnydale's drug market now had several holes in it. He just hadn't actually seen her out there. So now he was left with waiting in the shadows and hoping she got the message and appeared to stop the Harvest or else he would have to step in.

His first sign something was happening was a sudden out pouring of singed and burned vampires as the door burst open. He'd seen that type of damage before. Holy Water. But how the hell had she deployed it in such large amounts, he thought as he watched his own sire, Darla, run past him without a second thought, screaming in pain.

Inside

In the rafters

Buffy grinned as Giles turned on the sprinklers, sending blessed water down onto the vampires below. The Watcher now owed her $20. Serves him right for not thinking that would work. Honestly, she had no idea why no one had tried blessing fire sprinkler systems before, it made such a lovely mess of all the vampires below, and she really did like the smell of burning, undead flesh in the evening.

Blame Fire Fly for that.

Looking on the main stage, she saw a rather large, burly vampire with a strange symbol on his forehead, trying to grab escaping victims' whilst trying to keep out of the water.

Buffy put him out of his misery with a holy water arrow threw the symbol. His dust was soon mixing with holy water and steaming rather nicely in her mind.

What she failed to realise was that there had been witnesses.

Next day

High school

Buffy was skipping down the hall with a smile on her face, wearing a white skirt ending just above her knees and a silk blouse that had been a present from Penguin before heading back to Gotham and sandals. Her blonde hair was in two pony tails and she had a lollypop hanging from her mouth. She grinned and waved at Principal Flutie, who smiled back at the seemingly always happy girl. Buffy idly wondered when that dye prank she'd planted in Cordelia's locker last night would...

PAFF!

"My shirt!"

Bingo. Buffy thought, cackling as she walked happily into the Library.

"Clean up in the south hallway," Buffy giggled as she walked in. "someone had a little..." she stopped short as the doors closed behind her, seeing Giles arguing with the guy that had almost crushed the poor plants outside on her first day, along with one of his friends. The cute red head was sitting to one side, watching on timidly.

"Look, just tell us what's going on," the plant wrecker said. "Or..."

"We'll tell!" His friend shouted triumphantly. Oh this had to end right now.

"Tell?" she said, getting the attention of all involved. She was still grinning, but her voice and look had taken on a far more malevolent edge. "Tell what? 'Oh, we were in a club where people burnt when they were hit with water from a sprinkler and this one guy turned to dust'," her voice had taken on a fake, deep yet still childish tone as she did that while she mimed an innocent look. "Ha! Get real, nimrod. Been there, done that. What do you think got me landed in Arkham?"

"We just wanna..." the obvious ringleader began.

"Help?" Buffy completed, breaking into peals of laughter. "You? Look at you! What could you possibly do to help?"

"I..."

"Really," she sneered, still smiling. "The only one of you three that I'd even consider bringing in is little miss brainiac over there," said red head eeped, trying to sink into her chair. "And only because she's smart enough to help Giles with the books. You two," she snorted, looking them over. "I'd have to put you through the most rigorous preparations in existence before I'd consider you even halfway prepared for what I have to face out there!"

"You can do it," the offsider said. "It can't be that har..." he suddenly found himself being held above Buffy's head in one hand, Buffy still smiling at him.

"Slayer," she said simply. "I'm enhanced. And I've had some help and training from the psychos, weirdoes and crackpots at Arkham Asylum. Me, I come pre-prepared in a handy little package. You three would have been turned on my first night here if I hadn't taken your 'dates' out. You are worthless to me," she was still smiling as she dropped him and breezed past them to stand next to Giles. "So I suggest you leave. Now," the grin became even more maniacal as she turned around and for the briefest of moments everyone there thought the Joker had entered the room. "Before I show you exactly what you'd be messing with out there."

The two boys fled, leaving their red headed friend staring wide eyed as Buffy's smile turned much more friendly.

"Wow, what a couple of dumbasses," Buffy said conversationally. "Why do you bother with them?

"W-well, we've been friends since kindergarten," she answered shyly. "And well... they don't always think. They need someone to keep them out of trouble."

"Yeah, I can see that," Buffy said with a grin. "You'd better go do that. We got some stuff I need to talk to Giles about."

"Oh. Oh! Right, I'll, um..." Willow said and scooting quickly out of the room. Buffy gave a giggle.

"They'll tell? What are they five?" she whispered. "Maybe someone needs to teach them a lesson..."

"Buffy," Giles said sternly. "You can't leave them out for the vampires to find," it rather frightened him that he could read her that well so quickly, he thought as she pouted at him.

"But Giiiiiiles," she said petulantly. "They'll just keep trying to get in the way. They're stupid. Like Bats and his short-shorts brigade."

"Be that as it may," Giles lectured. "They are still innocents and we can't just feed them to the vampires."

"Oh, okay," she continued to pout before her face spread into a wide scary grin. Giles had a bad feeling about this. "Can I scare them a little?"

"Well, I suppose you ca... Wait, what are you planning?" Buffy just smiled at him, thinking of the chemicals she had from the Penguin.

"Trust me Giles, it won't hurt them. Oh and Pengy has the house. Place on Crawford, nice big basement for a lab."

"...Oh Dear Lord..."

Same time

The janitor sighed as he slid his mop over the mess caused by the exploding dye trap someone had left for the Chase girl. It was a trap he was familiar with, which told him exactly who had pulled it.

After all, Joker had used something similar numerous times. There was only one person who could have...

"...elling you, we should still try and help!"

"Dude, you heard her. We'd be dead or worse in seconds."

"So we go downtown, grab a couple of karate classes..." the janitor snorted in disgust as the duo breezed pass, a petite red head following not long after in a hurry. He shook his head. Kids. Still, if she was gaining a fan club...

Maybe it was time to introduce himself.

Bruce was SO going to owe him for this.

One week Later

Streets of Sunnydale

"Oh come ON!" Buffy complained. "I've got this shiny new sword and no vampies want to play? No fair," She pouted childishly. "I just wanna blow some steam before I deal with Dumb and Dumber, is that wrong?"

"Would depend on what you were going to do," a deep voice asked from above her.

"Bat Clan?" She asked, looking up. A pretty smile spread across her face. "Helloooooooo, salty goodness. You're cute."

"And here I thought Batman attracted all the crazies," Nightwing muttered, rolling his eyes behind the lenses of his mask. "Aren't I a little old?"

"Psh, you kidding me, on a scale of 1-10, you're up there with Bats as Arkham's Preferred Hero to Corrupt and Seduce," Buffy informed him. "There was even a calender and everything. I got two copies."

"Do I even want to know where the photos for a calender came from?" He asked carefully.

"Catwoman," Buffy said simply, before pouting again. "She just never had any without the masks. I really wanted to see if the face matched the body," Note to self, Nightwing thought. Check Selena for a camera next time I see her. "Well, anyways, you being here begs the question," she tapped her chin thoughtfully. "What's Bird Boy Sr doing in my happy little hamlet?"

"Batman did some digging after he saw your letter to Ivy."

"Stupid Bat," Buffy growled. "That was a PRIVATE letter. And what did the Almighty Bat find out that I couldn't figure for myself?"

"This towns a bigger mystery than how Joker keeps getting out of Arkham," Nightwing began, earning a snort from Buffy.

"No big mystery, security sucks," she muttered. Nightwing swept that aside for now, planning on bringing it up with Batman later.

"You've got a fatality rate that makes Gotham look normal, people ignoring the obvious and the supernatural being swept under the rug," he listed.

"People don't like to admit the existence of things they don't understand," Buffy said tiredly. This had been drilled into her by Giles when she brought it up. "That's what Watcher guys says. Even I know the level of ignorance in this town goes beyond a joke. Hell, J could run down the main street butt naked spraying his laughing gas all over the place and no one would blink an eyelid," Now THAT'S a pleasant image, Nightwing though. She had a point though.

"Have you looked into the mayor?" he said, lowering himself from the rooftop, folder in hand. Buffy cocked an eyebrow as she took the folder, looking through it.

"That's some family resemblance," she said with a whistle. "What are they, twins?"

"Grandfather and father to the current mayor," Buffy's eyes went wide.

"Riddle me this, riddle me that," she muttered under her breathe. "What sort of family looks exactly the same over three generations?" Nightwing looked at her oddly. She'd gone from a Joker/Harley Quinn hybrid to the Riddler. Just what had happened to her in Arkham? "The answer, Bird Boy, is simple. It's impossible. So what does that leave us?"

"An immortal?" Nightwing offered. "Though why here?"

"Big old conjunction of mystical energy running right under the town, forming Boca del Inferno," she explained, closing the folder.

"The Mouth of Hell?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "Some town you got here, Slayer," Buffy gave him a blinding grin, back to her usual cheerful self.

"Thanks, Birdy. You're a lot more fun than the Bat. You can take a joke," she said before going serious again. "We need to keep this between us for now. Watcher guy would alert the Council, and shit would hit ceiling mounted air circulation device at great velocity. I'd rather be able to keep a discreet eye on this guy without things blowing up in our faces. How long you staying for?"

"As long as it takes to convince Batman you have things under control," Nightwing said. Buffy just nodded, sliding the folder into her bag with her sword.

"Well, guess I'll see you around then, Birdy," she said with a grin, pulling out a lollipop and unwrapping it. "See ya!"

"Hold on a minute, kid," Nightwing said. "What about you 'dealing with Dumb and Dumber'?"

"I'm not gonna hurt 'em," Buffy promised, sliding the lollipop in her mouth. "I'm just gonna convince them not to get in my way."

"How?" He demanded. Buffy just grinned that creepy grin of hers.

"Now that would spoil the surprise," she said. "And future psychological trauma."

"You know I can't let you do... whatever it is you're going to do, and I'm pretty sure I have some idea."

"You mean like filling their bedrooms with a heavily diluted form of Scarecrow's fear toxin?" Buffy asked innocently. "I would never do anything like that Mr Nightwing, sir."

"Oh really?" He asked. "And what did you plan on doing?"

"Kidnapping them from their beds and introducing them first hand to what the night life actually entails around here," again, said with complete and total innocence. Nightwing's mouth opened and closed a few times as he stared at her still smiling face.

"... Can you promise me the gas won't harm them?"

"Nothing a few years in therapy won't fix," she said, adding as an after thought, "Or decades. Still getting the ratio sorted. But it's definitely not lethal."

"You're positive?"

"Didn't kill the rats in the sewers," she said. "Though I was kinda surprised it worked on a vampire. Guess the holy water I added fixes their immunity. Right up until they burn inside out."

"Are they sure you're sane?" Nightwing asked incredulously.

"Oh, come ON, Bird Boy," Buffy said with exasperation. "When does ANYONE ever come out of the Fun House completely sane?"

"...Not gonna argue that point," he conceded.

"Good, well, must dash," she said, pulling two very familiar canisters out of her bag. "Things to do, people to scare, vampires to reduce into neat little piles of ash... Huh, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it," with a cackle she walked off, Nightwing following her on the rooftops. Just in case.

Next Day

High School

"BOO!" Buffy screamed, sneaking up behind Jesse and Xander. The two boys jumped three feet in the air, looking at her shakily. "Welcome to my life, boys. Still want to help? I've got a nice, big nest on the other side of town, well away from..."

The two bolted, saying something about having something to do. Buffy giggled as she moved on. The 'Janitor' shook his head as she walked past.

"You're a cold, heartless person, Miss Summers," he said. Buffy looked at him a moment, taking in the beard, glasses and loose clothes. Well, isn't that interesting.

"Ah, thank you, Mr Janitor," she said, before adding in a low whisper. "And the face definitely matches my fantasies. I'll be seeing you around, cutey," this earned her another head shake as she walked off with a smile, to be cut off again by Willow.

"What did you do to them?" She asked. Buffy shrugged.

"Nothing much," she informed the red head. "Just some low power, non-lethal fear gas to keep them off my back," she looked at Willow a moment, who was looking back incredulously. "Too much?"

"But... but... you could have killed them!"

"Relax, red," Buffy tried to calm her down. "I may have left half a bag of marbles in Arkham, but I'm not a killer. I have the quantity down so it'd just scare them, not kill. Promise," she gave Willow an evil grin. "Now, the Laughing Gas, THAT I'm having troubles working on."

"I... but... you..."

"Look," Buffy said, wrapping an arm around the startled redhead's shoulder. "If I didn't put a scare into them, what do you think would have happened?"

"T-they would have gone out on their own," Willow said after a moment as Buffy led her down the hall "And they would have gotten hurt..."

"Or worse," Buffy said. "I was doing them a favour. Maybe NOW they won't be so eager to jump into the abattoir."

"I guess you have a point," Willow admitted. She couldn't bear to see one of them die because of their foolish, macho wish to do heroic things. "Still doesn't mean you had to scare them half to death. How did you do that anyway?" She turned her head slightly so that she looked Buffy in the eye. "I've read up on that gas. It should have just used their own fears," Buffy made a mental note to sneak some of her formulas to the girl. She was a lot smarter than anyone realised.

"Tapes with the types of things vampires do to their victims playing all night," Buffy said with a demented grin. "Now that was an interesting read."

Willow blinked as she tried to process what she'd just heard. Buffy had used subliminal teaching techniques to introduce vampires to their fear gas induced nightmares? That was... was... Willow wasn't sure what that was, but it was up there with twisted genius.

"Now, my dear, DEAR redhead," Buffy said, leading her to the Library. "How would you like to earn a little bit of extra money?" Willow narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"How?"

"Weeeeeeeeell," Buffy began slowly. "I heard from a little birdie that you're good at computers and there's some information you just CAN'T get legally..."

Same time

Arkham Asylum

Pamela Isley, better known to most as Poison Ivy, looked over the letter for what seemed to be the 300th time since it had arrived. A town where a mystical convergence of of energy has caused plants to mutate into some form of sentient life. It seemed... Actually it seemed like something Slayer would run into. Still, Ivy definitely wanted to look into these plants. The only problem was getting out of Arkham.

Well, usually. The kept her well and truly locked up so there was no way she could seduce the guards into helping her. It made things... difficult.

She watched as one of the guards went careening through the plexi-glass that made up her 'cell'/

Unless, she thought as Killer Croc and Harley Quinn walked into the room. You had outside help.

"Hi, Red!" Harley squealed, wrapping her friend in a huge hug. "You look like crap."

"These... monsters deny me basic necessities, Harley," Ivy said, patting the woman on the shoulder. "What do you expect?"

"We gonna see Slayer now?" Croc asked.

"Of course," Ivy said smoothly. Of all of the inmates, Killer Croc was the one most protective of the Slayer. "The others?"

"Mistah J's gonna cause a ruckus so we can get out of town," Harley said as the three made towards the exit. "With help from some of the others. The rest are going to meet us in Sunnydale. Penguin's already been supplying BuffBuff with some neat toys," Ivy nodded.

"Very well then," she said. "Let's leave this place. Our Slayer requires our assistance," Harley whooped with joy as the criminally insane poured out of Arkham Asylum. For most, their thoughts were on freedom. For the rest, a small fraction, they were thinking of one thing. One place.

Sunnydale.