Psychology
By Jade One aka Jade Tatsu ^_^ Depends on how I am feeling.
[The scene is a rather informal courtroom. Kenshin is the accused and everyone else is just talking. Courtroom is way too formal for what is to follow. Rather this is more a session of accusation than a formal scene.... Oh I give up trying to describe it!]
Judge: "Himura Kenshin, you are formally charged with practicing psychology without a license! How do you plead?"
Kenshin: "Oro?"
Judge: "No plea eh? Well the case against you is very impressive! You are charged that in your second fight against the former gangster known as Zantac."
Sano: "That's Zanza, bakayaro!"
Judge: "Silence in the court! Ahem. You are charged that in your second fight against the former gangster known as Zanza you did maliciously and with intent to change opinion practice unlicensed psychology to such an effect that the man not only gave up his enmity towards you but has further fought by your side since then."
Kenshin: "Oro?"
Sano: "Darn straight"
Judge: "Silence. You are further charged, Himura Kenshin that you attempted psychological change on Udo Jin'eh."
Kenshin (quietly): "Ano... Jin'eh was a bit of a failure."
Attending Psychologist: "I'll say! The man killed himself!"
Kenshin (nodding to self): "Yes, yes, but that wasn't the problem. The man just wouldn't listen!"
Kaoru (glomping on to Kenshin's arm): "Yeap! He should have known better than to get Kenshin riled up. It was his own fault!"
Kenshin: "Oro!"
Judge (clearing throat): "Ahem! Well, that may be the case but that is the least of your worries. There are still more charges to be leveled against you Himura Kenshin! You are charged with confusing the poor innocent pirate, Shura."
Sano (shocked): "Poor... Innocent..."
Yahiko (to Sano): "Are we thinking about the same person?"
Sano (to Yahiko): "I think the Judge is talking about someone else."
Yahiko (nodding and looking relieved): "Phew! That was getting scary for a minute!"
Sano: "I know, I know!"
Judge (glaring at Sano and Yahiko): "SILENCE IN THE COURT!" (Looking back to Kenshin) "Well, how do you plead to that?"
Kenshin: "I simply told her to do what she thought was right."
[A couple of people in the court were busy taking notes. And these people weren't the court appointed scribe!]
Judge: "Humph! What she thought was right!? It's going to take years of therapy to get her back to normal! Moving right along, there is the case of Katsu! Zanza's friend. Changed from a firebrand political agitator, who with a bit of luck would have blown himself up and given peace to the government into a literary political agitator."
Kenshin: "Is there a problem with that?"
Judge (spluttering): "A... a... p... pr... problem... ... YES, THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH THAT!!! People don't tend to believe those who are stupid enough to try to blow themselves up. I mean, would you listen to someone who in their attempts to change the government might accidentally kill you? BUT they are much more likely to listen to and BELIEVE someone who takes a literary stance! So YES there is a problem. What have you got to say for yourself?"
Saitou: "A literary agitator doesn't leave as much mess though."
Sano (nodding): "Hmm, you're right. There isn't any rubble and no blood to be cleaned up."
Kenshin and Judge: "..."
Judge: "While you're here Saitou-san, I think we can take the fact that you are not trying to kill him and are indeed backing up his position as evidence that Himura Kenshin has also practiced illicitly on you!"
Saitou: "Ack."
[Saitou squirmed back into a shadow and then slipped quietly out of the court room. Sano sniggered at his response. Saitou hadn't heard the end of this.]
Kenshin (with a smile): "Was there anything else?"
Judge: "I've only just begun! We are just beginning to enter the worst of your crimes now. Despite what you have done to Saitou, he still has some desire to kill you, so you haven't been completely successful. He can be rehabilitated yet. A more heinous crime is what you did to the Tenken, Seta Soujiro."
Kaoru: "Seta-kun?"
Judge (with tears in his eyes): "That lovely, wonderful, merciless, heartless, soulless killing machine was irreparably damaged by the malicious psychology of Himura Kenshin!"
[The attending psychologist was nodding in agreement.]
Attending Psychologist: "I've had a session with the poor child. He is completely ruined - kept saying how he should wander for ten years until he found a nice single woman with a dojo who'd give him room and board in return for the occasional rescue and the chores. Ruined!"
Kenshin: "..."
Kaoru (glaring at Seta and glomping on to Kenshin harder): "I'm taken!"
Soujiro (holding up his hands with a sweet smile): "Mare, mare... I also want to know what the truth of the world is..."
Attending Psychologist and Judge: "Ruined!"
Judge: "But we will refrain from discussing that case further. There is still another case which has horrified the Psychologist community..." (insert dramatic pause and music) "The case of Shin-no-mor-ri A-o-shi..."
Kenshin: "Ororororo?"
Misao (shrieking): "What's wrong with Aoshi-sama?!?"
Attending Psychologist (pointing to the door of the room where Aoshi has just appeared): "That's what's wrong with Shinomori."
Misao: "... ... ... WAH!"
Kenshin: "... ... ... OROROROROROROROROooooo!"
Everyone else: "Oh my God!"
[Just so everyone else understands what is happening here, I'll need to take a sec to describe Aoshi. (All you Aoshi lovers may want to skip the next few lines and spar yourselves the pain.) Everyone else, do try to picture this in your head. It makes it so much more vivid. ^_^
Aoshi had just entered the room as quietly as always. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was the color and cut of his hair and his clothes. Yes that's right, Aoshi now sported waist length red hair and was wearing a pink kimono and white hakama. In short he looked like a miniature, actually that should be, LARGE version of Himura Kenshin. A closer examination also showed a cross drawn on his cheek and if anyone had the presence of mind to draw the sword which was at his waist they would have found it to be a sakabatou.
Misao passed out on the floor. The rest of them managed to remain conscious. Aoshi simply came into the room as if nothing was wrong, ignoring the stares directed at him and then he sat down to watch the proceedings.]
Kenshin (gulping): "I... I... I think I see what you mean."
Judge: "You don't know the half of it yet."
Attending Psychologist (loudly): "Send in the next one."
Kenshin (trembling): "Ne... next... Next one?"
[On cue, Soujiro reentered the room. His attire was similar to Aoshi, although he hadn't gone to the lengths of giving himself a scar.]
Soujiro: "Gomen, Himura-san. But women don't dig scars anymore."
Yahiko: "..."
[Yahiko hit the floor. HARD.]
Sano (gasping): "What is happening?"
[Unfortunately for Sano, the door slid open again and a couple more people entered, again dressed in the pink kimono and white hakama, accessorised with a sakabatou and red hair tied in a low ponytail.]
THUMP - the sound of Sano hitting the floor.
Kaoru: "Katsu... and Saitou..."
[Kaoru was feeling pretty light headed herself.]
Kenshin (shocked past his usual response): "..."
Judge: "We're not finished yet."
[The door slid open again and this time the pirate Shura walked in. It should be noted that she looked much better than the others dressed in the customary attire of our favorite red haired rurouni.
Unfortunately her appearance caused Kaoru to lose her fragile grip on reality. Although Kaoru was saved from the indignity of falling flat on her face. Instead Kenshin caught her.]
Kenshin: "Na... Na... Nan da, de gozaru yo?"
Judge: "I know, I know."
[In the mean time Soujiro, Aoshi, Katsu, Saitou and Shura had formed a chorus line, in that order. (It make's sense if you think about their respective heights.) They stood together, hands resting on shoulders and began to parade up and down, kicking their legs up in turn. Yes, this chorus line was performing a cancan!]
Chorus Line (singing): "We want to be Rurouni. We want to be a red haired Rurouni..."
[Kenshin didn't hear any more than that because he too passed out.]
Judge (shouting over the band that had somehow accompanied the chorus line): "Get them out of here!"
[The Attending Psychologist began to slap at Kenshin, trying to wake him up as the chorus line and their band were kicked out the door.]
Slap! Slap! Slap!
Kenshin: "O... o.... ororo!"
Attending Psychologist: "Ah, good you're awake again."
Kenshin: "Ororo! I'm a failure!"
Attending Psychologist: "I do have one last question for you, Himura Kenshin."
Judge: "If you answer this question, we'll drop all the charges."
Kenshin (nodding): "..."
Attending Psychologist: "Despite Jin'eh, how do you get such consistently good results?"
Kenshin: "Ororororooooo......."
Twisted, I know but please leave comments. I love comments!