Disclaimer: It's not mine - Star Wars belongs to George Lucas, and the only things that belong to me are my OCs.
A/N: My first try at all dialogue and it's a dare. So, this is the response to the Dare Challenge 2009 over on the Jedi Council Forums (at The Force dot Net), and I managed to get a really hard one: Your story should be set sometime between the the end of the Rebellion and the Legacy of the Force series.
It must include the following: A sticky food substance (such as honey or peanut butter), a rubber ducky, time travel where a character runs into themselves and has to convince their past or future self they are not speaking with themselves, a doctor who won't take anything seriously, someone with the nickname 'Sarcasto,' the hiccups, and a hat with a ridiculously big bow on the front. Your story must written entirely in dialogue. It was certainly an interesting challenge. So, don't forget to review!
"Wes, what in the name of the Force are you wearing?"
"I wouldn't know. I can't see it, Kell. You tell me."
"It looks like a bow. A really big bow. On a hat."
"How nice. I'm going to kill Face when I get my hands on him."
"How do you know he had anything to do with it?"
"I'm wearing a hat with a gigantic bow on it…or, at least, I think I am, and you're asking me how I know that our comically-inclined leader was the one who did it?"
"Yes…"
"You are so lucky you're Demolitions right now. Where's Face?"
"I don't know. Maybe in the mess. Are you sure he did it?"
"He did it."
"No, he didn't."
"Yes, he did."
"No, he didn't."
"Yes, he did."
"No, he didn't."
"Stop that. How do you know he didn't do it?"
"Because I saw Zane and Jakan outside your quarters with that hat and a jar of something."
"When I get my hands on them-"
"You are in a bad mood today, aren't you?"
"You're an idiot, you know that?"
"Does it have anything to do with the Rogues leaving you here?"
"Shut up, Kell!"
"What did you do to him, Wes?"
"Nothing. I only put honey in his caf. He pranked me."
"WHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"
"Wh- wait. How did you get honey?"
"From the Ewoks."
"I don't think I want to know."
"I do-"
"Is he hanging from the ceiling??"
"Either that, or Zane has suddenly developed Force powers."
"Do you have any idea what sugar does to him, Wes?"
"I believe I do now."
"If you ever do that again, I swear I'll-"
"Ouch!"
"Never mind. I think you've been punished enough."
"FACE, GET HIM OFF OF ME!"
"WHOOO- It's a Kowakian monkey-lizard!"
"I'll just leave you two…"
"Face! Please!"
"No."
"Please!"
"Forget it, Janson."
"Ugh. Face…."
"What?"
"You might want to tell Jakan not to open his closet."
"What did you do this time?"
"I may have booby-trapped it…"
"JANSON!"
"Oops. I guess he found it on his own…"
"It's not my fault, so I'm going to leave…and you can deal with hyper boy and Sarcasto."
"Please, don't leave me with them, Face!"
"You spiked Zane's caf with honey, knowing that he has…whatever it is that causes him to go totally wacko if he's exposed to something with a high sugar content. And you managed to do something, I don't know what, to Jakan…do you really think I want to be in the line of fire?"
"Umm…No?"
"Bingo. Be glad that Zane is a slicer and Jakan is Infiltration. They can't hurt you too bad."
"Face!"
"You could always hide, you know…"
"Thank you, Commander Obvious."
"If it wasn't for the fact that you're getting what you deserve, I would give you a demerit for that."
"Whatever. I'm hiding. You never saw me."
"Sure…"
"Face, where's Janson?!?"
"Ask Zane."
"Okay….Zane, where's Janson?"
"BUT IT'S A GOOD COOKIE, SARCASTO!!!"
"Did someone give him sugar?"
"That would be the Grand Ewok."
"Then I won't hurt him for calling me that ridiculous nickname."
"LOOK, SARCASTO, IT'S A RUBBER DUCKY!!!"
"Get that thing out of my face. Where did he get a rubber duck?"
"I have no idea. A minute ago, he was on the ceiling.
"Wow."
"Hic."
"What was that?"
"Got me. It's probably nothing."
"Hic."
"I know I heard something."
"Hic."
"That was Janson wasn't it?"
"Yup."
"Sithspit, Face! Hic. That wasn't fair!"
"I never said I saw you, Wes. If you hadn't stood up, he might have given up."
"Oh. Stang. I really wish I was with the other Rogues right now…"
"I'm sure you do. Now, if I were you, I would run…Sarcasto over here looks really angry…"
"Stop calling me that!"
"Why?"
"Because I don't like it."
"Well, that has just cost you catching Janson this time."
"Stang."
"And I think you scared his hiccups away, too…"
"I really don't care. I'm going to go find out where the Grand Ewok went…"
"I AM A DOUGHNUT!!!"
"By all means, go after him. Oh, and take Zane to the med bay while you're at it…"
"Sure. Anything to get him to stop trying to eat the rubber duck…And what is a doughnut?"
"A novelty from his homeworld. Fried dough of some sort. Have fun."
"Oh, I'm sure I will. Come on, Zane."
"But I don't wanna go in the lightsaber handle…"
"Hush. We're just going to the med bay to get you something to make you feel better. It's not a lightsaber handle."
"That's what the Togorian told me…"
"There are no Togorians on this ship, Zane."
"Whatever you say, Sarcasto."
"I give up…"
"Who's that?"
"That is Kazin, the medic. With luck, he'll have something to help with your sugar-induced nuttiness. Hey, Kazin, wait up!"
"I'm not interested in whatever you're selling!"
"Kazin, you moron, that's not what I wanted."
"Go away, Areyus, I'm not interested."
"I need you to help Zane. Janson gave him sugar."
"Looks fine to me."
"He was on the ceiling, according to Face."
"Sure he was."
"I'm telling the truth!"
"Sure you are…just like last time…"
"Whatever. Just take him. And don't let him eat the rubber duck."
"But-"
"Bye, Kazin. Now...if I were the Grand Ewok, where would I be…"
"Come on, Kell, please help me."
"What did you do?"
"Umm…well, it involved my stash of honey from Endor, Zane, Jakan, and me booby-trapping Jakan's closet…"
"Wes…"
"They pranked me!"
"That's not it. I was wondering how you managed to be in two places at once."
"What?"
"Look behind you."
"Whoa!"
"Umm. Umm. I'm not Wes!"
"You look just like him."
"Don't steal my lines, Kell. You look just like me!"
"I'm not you!"
"Then why do you look exactly like me?"
"Because….I'm part of this….Intelligence program! That's what it is. Our goal is to be able to impersonate people without being caught."
"Then your cover's blown. Who are you anyway?"
"I, uh, I have to go – bye!"
"That was weird."
"You think?"
"Yes, I happen to be able to think."
"Could have fooled me. Only an idiot would prank Jakan and Zane in the same day. You're so in for it."
"What is he in for?"
"Wedge, you came back! I'm saved!"
"Do I even want to know what happened?"
"No. I don't think you do."
"Janson!"
"Hide me!"