AN: Just a one-shot that came into my mind after watching the last episode. I apologize if you find some spell or grammar mistakes, English is not my first language and right now it's really late at night and my mind starts to blank. Anyway, I hope you like it. Please leave me some reviews, so I can write some more Alicia/Kalinda in the future (and maybe, if you enjoy this, I will write a sequel).
DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Good Wife, cause if I did, well…let's just say Peter wouldn't be in the picture anymore, Alicia would have fucked Will and now she would be with Kalinda.
You lost the love I loved the most
She walks through the hallway and she reaches the only office with the lights still on. It's now or never, she thinks, and she started to rethink her decision.
Alicia can't see her, fidgeting by her door. She's too focused on whatever she's reading. Something work related, or she just doesn't want to go home? Kalinda asks herself, and she thinks she knows the answer. She feels guilty, which is something completely new for her. But it's not the first time Alicia makes her feel something new.
She's still in front of the semi open door, she takes a deep but silent breath, knowing she has to do it. Alicia deserves it. She fears the outcome of that conversation, though, because after her breakdown in the elevator, after Alicia finally confronted her about Peter, she doesn't know what to expect from herself. Kalinda never cries. She couldn't remember the last time she cried. And yet she had cried like a heartbroken teenager in the elevator and now she is scared she is going to do it again. In front of Alicia.
This isn't her. Kalinda is cold. An ice queen. A heartless bitch. But there is something about Alicia Florrick that turns her into someone new, someone with feelings. Someone "normal". Blake's words echoes into her mind. "It's about Alicia. That's what you care about." Yes, Kalinda cares. Even if she tries to deny it, even to herself, Kalinda does care for Alicia. That's why she has to tell her the truth. Alicia has been lied to too many times.
She's nervous. There's no one in the office who could stop Alicia from "screaming at the top of her lounges" now and Kalinda isn't sure she can take it if Alicia actually starts screaming at her. But she has to try. So she knocks at the door, even if it's open. She has lost the right of entering Alicia's office uninvited.
Alicia takes her eyes off the monitor and she looks at Kalinda. A look that makes Kalinda freeze. "What do you want?" she asks, her voice as cold as her eyes.
"Talk." replies Kalinda, still standing at the door.
"If it's not about the case, which I think it isn't, then I don't think we have anything to say to each other."
Alicia's eyes go back to the computer, as to underline the fact that she has no interest in listening to what Kalinda has to say.
"Alica, please…" Kalinda is almost begging, which is something that she never does. But this time, she has to. "I know you don't owe me anything, I know you have every reason to kick me out of your office and not talk to me again, but there's something I need to tell you. You deserve the truth."
"Oh, so now I deserve the truth?" says Alicia sarcastically. Kalinda shivers. That woman in front of her is so different from the Alicia she has gotten to know during the time they have worked together. During the time they have been friends. "What about these last two years? I didn't deserve the truth back then?"
Something about Alicia's tone makes Kalinda understand that the problem is not that she slept with Peter. What hurts Alicia the most is that Kalinda didn't tell her. They have been friends for two years and Kalinda never told her.
"Fine." sighs Alicia after a few moments of silence. "I'm going to listen. But after that we're done. I don't want anything to do with you, if it's not work-related."
"Fair enough" nodds Kalinda, stepping into the office and sitting down. She takes a deep breath. She doesn't know how to say what she wants to say. What she has been dying to say for days, weeks, months.
"Well?" asks Alicia. She's clearly annoyed by that silence and she feels uncomfortable being around Kalinda.
"I did a lot of awful things in my life." Kalinda starts. "But you have to believe me when I say that I've never been more sorry than I am now."
"If you came here to apologize, you could have stayed home tonight." Once again, Alicia's voice is colder than ice. "I don't want your apology. I don't care. It means nothing to me now."
"I know" sighs the younger woman. "That's not why I came. I came here to explain why I didn't tell you."
"I'm listening."
It's now or never, Kalinda thinks once again. And probably never seems a much more appealing choice, but she can't go back now. "When…that…happened, you were nothing to me. I knew he was married, of course, but you were just a name that came out sometimes in the conversations, you were just a ring on his finger. And I know is wrong, but my moral compass is so totally screwed up and to me, a ring on a finger has never been a problem. Anyway, when you first came to work here, I didn't think I could have liked you. And I thought that maybe the right thing to do was to tell you the truth, because everyone deserves it. You have no idea how many times I was this close to tell you. But I was scared, because you weren't only a name or a ring on a finger anymore. You were a person and I was starting to get to know you and to like you. And when we became friends…it was too hard, cause I knew it would have hurt you more. Cause I saw you were trusting me."
"That's why you should have told me!" Alicia's voice is almost a scream. "That's why you should have told me" she repeats, this time lowering her voice.
"Yes. I should have." sighs Kalinda. "But I didn't because…when I got to know you, I started to like you and I didn't want to lose you. I thought this secret was safe and I couldn't stand the idea of losing you over a stupid mistake."
The two women remain in silence for a while. The only sound filling the room was their breathing and they don't dare to look at each other.
"Why do I have the feeling that you're not telling me everything?" asks Alicia. "What are you holding back?"
"Alicia.."
"Tell me, Kalinda." It almost sounds like an order. "You came here, you told me I deserve the truth. I want it. I want the whole truth. I know you were scared to lose me, I didn't need to hear it from you. You're quite a complicated person, Kalinda, but I think in these last two years I learned how to understand you…if not entirely, at least part of you. So tell me, what else?"
Another deep breath. Damn, this is hard. The hardest thing Kalinda ever did. "I'm not a people person. I don't do relationships and I don't have friends. So I never really cared about losing someone. But I care about losing you and the reason is...damn, I never, ever, in my whole life, said these words to anybody…it's so hard for me…"
"What are you trying to say, Kalinda?" A chill goes down through Alicia's spine. She knows. She never realized it before, but now she knows, but she needs to hear it from Kalinda's voice, because she doesn't want to have any doubt.
"I'm love you." Kalinda finally whispers. She doesn't need to add "in a more than a friend way" because she is sure Alicia got it.
The two women look in each other's eyes, until Alicia breaks the contact and starts laughing. It's not a sarcastic laugh, it is nervous and…yes, it is sad.
"I can't believe it!" says Alicia, still laughing. "God, this is so screwed up."
Kalinda looks at her without understanding.
Alicia can't stop laughing. She doesn't want to, because she knows the time she stops laughing, she'll start crying and she doesn't want to. Timing sucks, she thinks. "Do you remember when I went away with my brother a while ago?" she asks. Kalinda nods, not quite sure of what this has to do with what they're talking about. "We talked, a lot. We talked about Peter, Will and…we talked about you."
"Me?" asks Kalinda surprised.
"I realized something that day, something that was going on for a while but I was too terrified to admit, even to myself. Kalinda, do you have an idea of how many times in the last few months I was about to leave Peter and come to your place and tell you that I love you? But something always stopped me. I know you, and I know you don't do feelings and relationship. It was a risk too big for me to take. I told myself I couldn't throw away my whole life for someone who could have never loved me like I needed, I couldn't put my children through all of this just because my heart suddenly decided that I had to love you. And now it turns out that you love me too. This is just…so screwed up!"
Kalinda can't believe her own ears. "This is a joke" she thinks. "She's messing up with my head to punish me." When she came into that office, she was prepared to be yelled at, to be rejected, but now… "You…you love me?" for the first time in her life, Kalinda was speechless.
"Yes" sighs Alicia. "I am in love with you, Kalinda, and I have been for a while now. That's why it hurt so much when I found out that Peter slept with you. You of all people. It's so unfair!"
Kalinda tries to reach Alicia's hand, but the older woman takes it away. "Don't…" she whispers.
"Alicia…" finally Kalinda manages to take Alicia's hand in hers. "You know, I've always thought I didn't have feelings. For the longest time, I though everybody was right when they said I was a heartless bitch. But then I met you and I started to feel something. Fuck, Alicia, of all the persons in the world, it had to be you."
"Guess someone up there is having fun playing with our lives." Alicia laughs bitterly.
And then there's silence again. Alicia's hand is still in Kalinda's and none of them moves. Kalinda doesn't dare to ask for forgiveness. She doesn't want to use Alicia's feelings for her to be forgiven. But in her heart she hopes her confession and those feelings are enough for Alicia to decide to forgive her. To at least go back to what they were before all this happened.
"I don't think I'll ever be able to trust you again." Alicia says quietly, crushing Kalinda's hopes. "If you lied to me about this, how can I be able to trust you again?"
"I understand" Kalinda sighs.
"I'm sorry."
Kalinda wants to laugh. This is so typically Alicia, apologizing to the last person she deserves an apology.
"Don't be. You have every right not to trust me again. But if you only…"
"No!" Alicia knows what Kalinda is about to say and she stops her before it's too late. She can't hear those words. She can't hear Kalinda asking her to give it a try, because her feelings for that woman are too strong and she know if Kalinda asks, she would say yes. And she can't. Not because of Peter, or her kids, or because she's supposed to be straight. But because Kalinda broke her heart once and she can't allow her to do it again. So she stands up, untangling her hand from Kalinda's fingers, grabbing her purse, and she starts to walk out the office.
"Alicia, wait.." Kalinda is desperate. She has nothing left to lose so she decides it's time to risk everything. She grabs Alicia's wrist, turns her around and kisses her.
After the first moment of shock, when she tries to resists, Alicia starts to melt and kisses Kalinda back. It's passionate, it's desperate and when it's over, they're both breathless.
"Kalinda, please…" Alicia's voice is trembling and she can feel the tears start falling down her cheeks. "Let me go, please…"
"Why?" asks Kalinda. She can't let her go, not now, not after that kiss.
"Because this doesn't change anything. I love you, Kalinda, I do, but it's too late. You lost it. I'm sorry."
Alicia leaves the office without looking back. She knows that if she does look back, she would want to stay, to kiss Kalinda again and forget everything that happened between her and Peter. But she can't. She is done forgiving. She can't do this to herself. Not again.
After Alicia leaves, Kalinda falls on the chair, head in her hands, and starts crying. She had Alicia's love and she lost it. The only things she can do now is hoping that one day Alicia will forgive her, so they would be able to start again, like this never happen. And give this love another chance.