I disclaim. I own nothing.

AN: So this is for the girls over at the Jax/Tara thread on fanforum. It's an AU of the series starting with the pilot. And is my take on a different way for Tara to have left and come back to town. Some things, such as dialogue and events are straight from the show. You'll notice the timeline of certain events are altered a bit, people show up sooner than on the show. Also a change, Lenny the Pimp did not go away for murder in 1989, for purposes of this story it was much, much later.

Wanna give a special thanks to Eve Levine who pointed me towards the First 9 info I needed and also read part of this chapter and gave me much needed feedback.

Chapter 1

He hadn't asked for the kid. Didn't even particularly want it. If he were honest with himself the kid hadn't even been real to him. Just some thing that his soon to be ex-wife held over his head. Jackson Teller had no idea what he was suppose to do with a baby. Especially a half dead one. What did he know about being a parent? His first official act as a father was beating the shit out of the dickhead who sold crank to his pregnant wife. Second act was flushing her excess shit down the toilet.

Now he figured he didn't need to know much because no matter what his mother said, Jax didn't think the kid was going to make it through the night. The fucked up thing was the kid was real, making sure people knew not to hurt his kid was parenting, and he began to think his aversion to fatherhood had less to do with the kid and more to do with the kid's mother. Because he wanted him. At some point in the last twenty-four hours he realized he wanted the kid. How the fuck did that happen?

The cut was just barely on his back when the knock came at the door, Chibs his friend and brother telling him it was time to roll out. Jax made his way through the clubhouse, throwing his shades over his eyes as he stepped outside. At first he didn't see the kid. It was only because kids weren't a norm around the clubhouse that he caught his attention at all. But with other things on his mind, Jax still didn't really see him. Then he noticed the way all the guys were hanging around him, two guys in particular.

"Hey, Jax!"

"Yo, Jax!"

"Kozik. Happy." Detouring from his original path, Jax went to greet his brothers in a hug. Realization dawning. There'd only been one reason why both Kozik and Happy transferred to Tacoma. And there was only one reason both of them would leave at the same time.

Kozik, knowing exactly why Jax was scanning the area the way he was, decided to put his brother out of his misery. "She's at the hospital." When the younger man pulled back in shock, Kozik shrugged. "We were rolling through, on the way to visit the old man and deal with the rental properties, when she got the call from Gemma."

"She didn't have to-"

"Come on, bro." Happy gave his shoulder a none-to-gentle shove. "You really think she'd be anywhere else."

Jax looked back at the kid, her kid. Thick wavy hair, that was only a shade or two darker than his on, fell messily to his chin. A chin that held a slight cleft, like hers. Full cheeks with a deeper set of dimples than hers. He had her wide set mouth with the slightly fuller bottom lip. His eyes were the same mossy green. God the kid was the spitting image of her.

"He's what, two now?" But he knew. Knew more about the kid than he thought he probably should.

Happy nodded. "Yeah and bad as shit." And there might have been a hint of pride in his voice. "Kid's a fucking terror."

"Well if it isn't the Tacoma prince." Bobby Elvis was stepping out of the clubhouse. He was suppose to be on his way to a gig, but didn't see the harm in sparing a few minutes to hang with his brothers. There was a easy grin on his face when he grabbed the boy and tossed him in the air a few times.

"Hey, Bobby man, I wouldn't do that. The kid is stuffed full of nachos and juice." Kozik kept one hand on Jax's shoulder to lead him over to the others.

"What's up, little bro?" Jax brushed his hand over the kid's hair. The words 'I should have been your old man' burning at the tip of his tongue. "You riding on two wheels, yet?"

"Hey Nik, show the guys how you ride." The little boy lifted both hands in the air, as if he was holding onto ape hangers. It was Kozik's turn to beam proudly.

"What the hell are we all doing standing around here?" The rough voice came barreling out of Clay Morrow, president and original member of SAMCRO. There was a scowl on his face until he caught sight of the little boy. "Well, if it isn't Nikolai Janowitz." He winced as he said it. "What the hell was she thinking with that name?"

"She was all doped up at the time." Kozik explained. "His old man picked it out."

His old man, Jax thought bitterly, Russian mafia dickhead who was too stupid not to get himself dead. If there was one fucker who's death Jax hadn't mourned even a little bit it had been his.

"God, it's like she spit him out." Juice was saying, something akin to awe in his voice. "Other than being blonde, the kid looks nothing like Vlad."

"Vlad?" Tig frowned. "I thought his name was Ivan. Or Boris or some shit."

"Who the fuck cares?" Clay stared at them incredulously. "He's dead." He looked over at Jax, saw how distracted he was, the far off look in his eyes as he studied the kid. "Why don't you call her?" It was the only way he was going to get his stepson's head in the game. "We got a few minutes."

Before Jax could object, play like he didn't need to hear her voice, Kozik was slapping a prepay into his hand. Her number had already been dialed.

She picked up on the fourth ring. "How's my baby?"

Jax grinned. "I'm good, sweetheart. How are you?"

Her breathe caught, his name coming out on the one she released. "Jax."

Jax wanted to think he heard longing in her voice, convinced himself he had. "We were getting ready to head out, heard you were in town, thought I'd give you a call."

"You caught me just in time, I was just getting ready to scrub in."

"Scrub in?"

"Yeah. I started to Gemma my way into assisting in your son's surgery. Come to find out flashing my badge from Seattle Children's was all I needed to do."

"Path of least resistance." Jax paused. "Tara," And he had the uncomfortable suspicion there had been longing in his voice when he said her name. "You don't have to do this. You're old man-"

"Isn't going anywhere for a long time. I want to help your son, Jax."

The smile came easy, it always did with her. "His name is Abel."

"That's a good name. Try not to let mine burn anything down while he's there." There was a lot of talk behind her. "Listen I gotta go. Talk to you later."

When he clicked off the cell, Jax noticed the way all his brothers were looking at him. Clay was shaking his head sadly.

"That's a goddamn shame."

"Fuck you." But the smile was still on his face. "I'm gonna pick up, Ope. I'll meet up with you guys"

It had been no secret that from early childhood the one thing Jackson Teller wanted was a Harley and a cut. The irony was the only thing Tara Janowitz wanted was Jackson Teller. She'd been a bright child, smarter than other children her age, so even at five had understood that Jax was meant to be hers. But at nine Tara Janowitz had lost her mother. Her father had left Charming, where she grew up, when she was just a baby to become president of Sons Of Anarchy motorcycle club in Tacoma, Washington. But he had remained a major part of his daughters life. So when her mother died he had come to take her back to Tacoma only days after the funeral. He'd been doting to the point of spoiling Tara. And agreed to let her return to Charming during her summer breaks.

Lenny 'The Pimp' Janowitz had been an original member of the Sons of Anarchy. The irony of the man who coined the term 'croweater' fathering a daughter was lost on no one. His status, along with being the lone First Nine to have a daughter, placed Tara in high regard with the club. The princess to Jackson Teller's prince. In Tacoma- even after her father stepped down as president, even after he was picked up for the alleged murder of three ATF agents, even though she wasn't anyone's old lady-she was considered the club's queen. But being female, there was no future for her in the club.

With no future in the club and no desire to be just anyone's old lady, Tara decided to go to college. School had always been easy for her. Lenny insisted she got her brain from him and Tara never argued with that because her father was an extremely intelligent man. Fortunately she got her mothers calm demeanor. So she was never one to stress over exams, which resulted in exemplary scores.

The only thing that threw a wrench in her plans was that she was not, nor had she ever been, a joiner. As far as Tara had been concerned her obligation to school began and ended with her classes, extra-curriculars were just that. Extra. She'd been raised to believe the club was all she needed. Fortunately the charity the club did, that Tara was always present for, had been enough. And she found herself at UC San Diego. Things had been fine while she was an under-grade. Med school is where it all went south.

It had been at Opie and Donna's wedding, where Jax overheard her telling Bobby Elvis that she'd gotten into Loyola Med. At no point had she said that's where she was going, just that she'd been accepted. Still didn't stop Jax from completely flipping out. Starting a huge fight right in the middle of Opie and Donna's reception. He'd thrown out demands, ultimatums before ordering her to come back to Charming. It had been exactly the wrong thing to say, especially since he'd shown up with Wendy Case on his arm.

It hadn't been easy for Tara, but the four years she was at UC San Diego, she hadn't asked for his fidelity. Didn't ask him about the other women she knew he was with whenever she went back to school. There'd been an understanding between them. Yes they loved each other, had only ever loved one another, but his lifestyle didn't lend itself to long distant relationships and she understood.

So she didn't get why it was so hard to get just a little understanding in return. Had only been able to stand in stunned silence when he shouted, in front of everyone, that he wasn't going to be her 'townie dick' any longer. She had no response to that, didn't even know how to respond to that. So she did the only thing she could think to do, balled her fist, cocked her arm back, and aimed for his face. Just weeks later she met and became involved with Alexei Volkov. An on again off again relationship that lasted the four years she attended Loyola.

It was during one of those off periods, where Alexei had asked her once again to let Jax go and she claimed not to have any idea what he was talking about, when she'd gone out with a few classmates and met Joshua Kohn. He was older, attentive, and Jax, despite being married, was still fucking everything in Northern California. There'd been no point in which being with Josh had been a good idea. Not with him being a fed. Not with her father being who he was. Not with her heart belonging to who it did. But when it came to romantic entanglements, her ability to make good decisions had been faulty at best. Dangerous at worse.

Josh became clingy then obsessive and possessive until he turned violent. When she finished med school and before her father or Kozik or God forbid Happy could find out she applied for a residency at Seattle Children's, changed her name and hauled ass back to Washington. Back to Alexei. And she would forever regret not getting out of there sooner.

Tara had felt like something of a fraud in med school. Everyone she met, in every class, every study group, had some variation of the same story in which being a doctor had been a dream since childhood. She was a good liar, had to be considering, and smart. So when asked if being a doctor was what she always wanted she knew better than to answer with the truth. Which was that the only thing she wanted for as long as she could remember was one Jax Teller. And that she only decided to become a doctor when the results of her aptitude test pointed towards medicine.

It wasn't until her third year of med school, when she lost a great number of her classmates, that she realized her near apathetic feelings toward becoming a doctor were what kept her sane and at the top her class. She didn't feel the stress and pressure everyone else felt. It was then that she discovered her love of medicine. And, that if she wanted to, she could function in regular society.

The thing is when Tara Janowitz Charming princess became Tara Janowitz Tacoma princess, college student, med student, Tara Knowles intern, Tacoma queen, the turbulent years with Alexei, even when she became a mommy, she still wanted Jax. Actually, it was when she was having Nikolai, despite Alexei being there beside her, that she wanted Jax more than ever. It was how she found herself spending one of her precious few days off assisting on a patient that wasn't hers, in a hospital she didn't work, in a state she didn't even live.

Kozik was going to give her shit for days about this.

"Tara." Gemma jumped to her feet when she caught sight of the young doctor making her way down the hospital corridor. When they were close enough she pulled the woman into a hug. "I can't tell you how much we appreciate you doing this, baby."

"It's Jax's kid." Tara tightened her arms around Gemma momentarily before stepping back. "I'll do whatever I can. Hey, Luann."

"Hey, sweetie." Luann stepped forward and greeted Tara in a hug. "It's good to have you back."

Tara gave her a strained smile, she wasn't back. Nothing good could come from her being back. Look where being back had gotten her father. But she'd do this, for Abel, for Jax. "Abel's stomach surgery went well." She made sure to keep her voice detached, doctor to family member. Not daughter to mother, because that's what her relationship with Gemma Teller-Morrow would always be. "But it put a lot of strain on his system. The primary think it's best we do the heart surgery now."

"That's good right." Luann began anxiously. "That they don't want to wait."

Gemma studied Tara, trying to find the girl she loved as her own in the doctor that stood before her. To find what it was she didn't want to tell her. "What do you think?"

Tara really wished Gemma hadn't asked, wished she hadn't agreed that this news was best coming from her. "It's the best choice." She wouldn't tell them why. "I'm gonna do everything I can, Gemma."

"I know, baby."

"I, uh, understand that Wendy is in really bad shape. They say she's still detoxing, can't stop crying."

Gemma rolled her eyes, even Luann gave an indignant huff. "And?"

Not at all surprised by this reaction Tara pressed forward. "I was hoping you could talk to her. They're asking me to, figure since I'm close to you and Jax…"

"They're figuring real wrong." Luann put in.

"I'm in the same boat as you, sweetie." Gemma's lips curled humorlessly. "Nothing I have to say to that crank whore is gonna make her feel loved."

"Please, Gemma. You and I both know she's gonna go completely ape shit when she finds out I'm here and working on Abel's case."

"Are you a good doctor?"

Tara's spine stiffened, Gemma had never questioned her skills before. "You know I am."

"Then let the junkie go ape shit. You just take care of our boy." Her head angled slightly. "You should call Jax. He'll be glad to know you're here, even happier when he knows you're in there with Abel."

Tara had known Gemma too long not to know what it was she was trying to do. "Jax knows I'm here. And he knows I'm working on Abel's case. He called me before I scrubbed in." She noticed the way Gemma's eyes practically lit up. "He's also still married, Gemma."

Gemma's hands went up innocently. "Did I say anything? Though its not like Jax being with Wendy's stopped you before."

"It's not like you and Jax being with anyone else has stopped you before." Luann added.

"We're not kids anymore. We have kids now. It's important that we put all that shit behind us." The pager on her hip went off. "I gotta go."

"Why don't you and Nik stay with Clay and I tonight?" Gemma already thought about calling Jax, having a nice family dinner. Just the five of them.

"Hap and Kozik are with me, have to stay at the clubhouse." She started quickly up the hall. "Thanks for the offer though."

Gemma smiled, if Tara was staying at the clubhouse that was even better.

It wasn't until he saw her that Jax realized she was exactly what he needed. He reeked of blood, smoke, and he could have sworn charred flesh. His back throbbed where the bullets hit his vest. He felt sick, punished, somehow tainted. Felt like someone had placed a bag over his head and was pulling it tighter and tighter. Then Tara was there, time slowed, and it seemed the rest of his life hinged on what she said next. She smiled, said something he didn't really hear, and she was in his arms. And everything suddenly made sense again.