I needed an outlet for all my feelings about Nico that wasn't my eight page long school report.
Trigger Warning: angst/suicidal thoughts (I mean, this is Nico we're talking about...)
Nico likes his perch on the foremast, especially at night. He spends most of his time there, staring at the unchanging sea or sky. His legs dangle from the piece of wood on which he sits, and ropes thread their way around his wrists and forearms; Nico at least makes an effort not to fall. He glances down at the deck, far below him, but no fear or adrenaline courses through him. He has gotten over his fear of heights long ago, and he no longer hates the feeling of isolation he gets from being on a boat. From so high up, he can just barely make out the features of the people below him. Everyone on the ship comes and goes, not noticing him unless they're looking for him, not acknowledging him unless they have to. Nico stares at the little demigods as they leisurely walk about, ant-like. No one is in a hurry today, since they hadn't even seen a hint of a monster since yesterday evening.
As he shifts restlessly, Nico glances down at Frank, directly below him. The son of Hades knows how uncomfortable he makes Frank, and all of them, really. He stands just outside their peripheral vision, a habit he picked up to avoid monsters. He doesn't talk much, and he sometimes startles the others when he does. He has betrayed them before, even though he's sorry. He's a son of Hades, which he can't help. He can summon the dead. He's gloomy and frightening, and they all clearly hate him.
Nico drags his gaze away from Frank and chooses to stare at a cluster of stars just above the horizon. He can't remember any of the constellations his sister had taught him, and that terrifies him. He's losing her. Bianca's smell and voice and image are slowly fading away, along with all the memories. The night they camped outside and learned the patterns of the stars used to be etched into his memory, a painful yet beautiful scar he never wanted to get rid of. Now, the image blurs and dulls in his mind like an old photograph. None of the others can help. Maybe they don't really hate him, maybe they actually like him, but the moment Nico starts thinking he has hope is the moment he starts becoming attached, and he can't have that happening. All the people Nico has ever been attached to are either in the Underworld or someplace worse.
Instead, he shuts out the demigods around him and climbs to his favorite spot in the rigging. At camp, he could always get away quickly if he needed space, but at sea, Nico has no escape. Of course, there's a very small chance he could shadow travel away, but that would break his promise to Percy, which he could never do. So, Nico finds himself alone, looking down on the people who usually look down on him.
After concluding that watching the night sky is almost as boring as watching Frank Zhang, Nico leans out as far as he can and looks below the ship as European fields and cities pass by. With his hands still gripping the rigging, Nico leans out a bit further, and further, and further, until the muscles in his arms strain and his heart pounds as the wind whips through his dark hair. Now, he starts to feel the effects of the adrenaline rushing through his veins. He likes it up here, where everything seems on the brink of falling, as if the entire universe is waiting for something to happen. Anticipation thrums through him, just like it always does when he sits on the foremast and leans way out.
It would be so easy to let go.
He's holding on with ten fingers, only two hands keeping him from tumbling off the Argo II and into the dark night, never to be seen again. It's not like they would miss him. They wouldn't even stop the boat. Nico is a shadow to them; he's silently there, never truly revealing himself. He wonders how long it would take them to even realize he was gone. They'd probably reach the House of Hades before anyone thought to check on him. By then, he'd be a broken mass of skin and bones, a stain on the European countryside.
The word "stain" fits him perfectly. No matter how hard he tries, Nico is not quite the same color as the rest of the world. He stands out despite wanting to blend into the shadows.
Nico lets one of his hands slide out from beneath the web of rope, and now he's connected to the boat with only his legs and five fingers. He prepares himself to do it, to let go completely. For a long time, he thinks that he might make the final trip to the Underworld and stay there for good. That thought is not comforting, but it almost seems better than his current location.
Then, Nico looks down again. Frank is no longer underneath him, but Hazel stands near the railing, looking outward. Jason talks to Leo, who mans the helm. Somewhere below deck, Piper, Coach Hedge, and Frank are sleeping. How can he let them die? If Nico lets go, he'll doom Percy and Annabeth and the crew of the Argo II and the entire world to whatever fate Gaea had planned. No matter what other people think about him, Nico is not that selfish. He actually cares about the people around him, even if they don't particularly care about him.
He puts his left hand back on the ropes, and he's surprised to see that it's shaking. Nico feels himself let out a long breath he didn't even realize he was holding in. For a while, he simply hangs on to the foremast as tightly as possible. Nico doesn't want to die, or at least not yet. He knows his time will come; he's a demigod, after all, and his kind don't tend to live long. However, the boy decides that when he does permanently join the ranks of the dead, he does not want it to be by his own hand.
Nico looks at the little ant people below him. Leo must have cracked some joke, because he and Jason are clutching their sides as peals of laughter burst from their mouths. Even Hazel, twenty feet away from them, is giggling. From where he is, Nico can faintly hear the sound of their amusement, bells ringing in the silence. It fills the empty night and rises to the heavens like an offering to the gods. Nico manages to crack a smile as he looks at the three of them.
Carefully, so he doesn't fall, Nico climbs down the foremast and lands stealthily on the deck. No one looks at him, but he's used to it. He likes being alone sometimes. Nico might not be attached to the people around him, but they depended on him, and he would never let them down.