Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plot elements were imagined up by the wonderful Stephenie Meyer.
A/N: I want to preface this with the note that I love the Twilight saga quite a lot. It was an assignment for my creative writing class to write a short parody on something, and I decided to do it on something I enjoyed, and ta-da! I'm sharing it with you.
Reviews are greatly appreciated.
Heroin(e)
I'm Bella. Well, Isabella Marie Swan, but my bff in kindergarten Stephenie decided to nickname me Bella instead of Izzy because Bella means beautiful in Italian (and cliché in Norwegian) and she knew that even though I'm plain and unattractive now, I will be gorgeous one day in the (possibly near, probably nonexistent) future.
I hate rain, but I live in the single town in the United States that gets the most rain yearly. It's my mother's fault. Of course, I don't blame her because I'm supremely mature and can understand why she wants to go to Florida with her new boyfriend Phil, who she snatched from the cradle, and send me off to live with my father. Really, it was my idea, but whatever.
It's my first day at Forks High School. Naturally, it's raining. I duck into the office, and the nice little old lady secretary knows exactly who I am even though I'm sure there are plenty of freshmen that she hasn't met yet that I could be. But I don't question it, because Charlie (my dad. I'm just so incredibly mature that I feel that I'm his superior, and why would I call my superior "Dad", even though it's rude to call him by his first name?) probably has been showing my pictures around since I was a baby and my mom left to Phoenix , taking me with her. Yeah, it's that kind of town, the one where everybody knows everybody.
Apparently, though, not everybody gets along with everybody.
I'm sitting at lunch, and my new bff Jessica—Stephenie, you will always be in my heart, but we've just grown so far apart—catches me staring at this guy. And he's not any old guy either.
"So you spotted the Cullens, huh?" she says, with a touch of disdain. One of them probably dumped her. God, she's bitter.
"He's—so—beautiful," I say breathily, and she rolls her eyes.
"Which one?"
"The pretty one!" I say. I am quite offended.
The pretty one is having a bad day.
His "family" is having a bad day actually, and since he can read minds, he is having a bad day by association. Emmett is trying to figure out why he's not even more buff (he lost in a wrestling match to his brother Jasper and Edward is sure Emmett would give up some brains for brawn in order to beat him). Rosalie is thinking about how gorgeous she is (and is pretty sure she is somehow impossibly getting a zit). Alice is pondering on the depressing future (and worrying about her bloodsucker who's having trouble abstaining from bloodsucking, Jasper). Jasper is contemplating whether or not to make a snack out of the next tasty smelling kid that walks by.
Yep, they're vampires. Vegetarian vampires, though. Which is basically an oxymoron to the extreme.
Edward the Pretty, in the meantime, is listening in on Jessica Stanley's thoughts.
She's already crushing on the Cullens, he hears and he finds this distinctly amusing.
He tries to listen in on Bella Swan's thoughts…but there's nothing.
Huh.
The narrator here steps in for a quick summation of some of the story:
1. Edward is very interested in Bella, because his freakish vampire powers don't work on her, for some convenient reason we the spectators have yet to find out.
2. Edward finds out that Bella somehow has this delicious smelling blood that's soooo good he wants to kill an entire science class of kids to get a drink of it, which is what any reasonable vampire would do, but Edward's a strict vegetarian, so he goes to Alaska.
3. Meanwhile in Forks, even though Bella is plain, unattractive, and comically clumsy, all the teenage boys immediately fall in love with her. She has no other unappealing qualities though, so it makes sense. Sort of.
4. Edward decides he's above how he's acting, and comes back to Forks to talk to Bella. He saves her from becoming a pancake on the side of a van, and leaves a dent in it after running so fast he's blurred. Eventually, because of her incredible intuition, Bella figures that he's a vampire.
5. Edward saves Bella from gang rape. It was probably staged. How else does the guy get the girl these days?
6. They fall in love. This goes without saying. They are a perfect match because of their lack of inherent flaws.
Several months later:
They're in a meadow and Edward's being all sparkly and gorgeous in the sun, like all vampires (which explains why they live in Forks) and Bella's being all "Oh Edward, you're so sparkly and gorgeous."
Edward is trying to explain to her why her blood smells so special, and Bella is trying to pay attention while smelling Edward.
"…you are exactly my brand of heroin," she hears.
"Oh, that's so nice of you, I'm your heroine! And speaking of brands, what cologne are you wearing; I want to smell like you."
"I'm not wearing cologne, I just smell excellent because I'm a predator and want to draw in all the unsuspecting humans; and I'm not saying you're my female hero, I'm saying that you are an drug that has a horrible affect on people who are addicted to it."
"Oh. So I have a horrible affect on you?" Bella blushes, as per usual, and frowns.
"No, no, no, my sweet Bella," Edward says, and kisses her. Bella has a little heart attack and passes out (presumably in awe of Edward's prettiness). Edward looks at her kind of funny, and grins.
"God, I'm good."