TitleThere's no such thing as a ONE-hour photo shop!
Author: worblehat
Fandom: Gintama
Pairing: Gintoki/Hijikata
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Hijikata gets a love letter and goes to investigate at the Yorozuya.
Notes: Written for LJ community awdt . Prompt was: "That's not even remotely funny." Unbeta'd because I was too shy to ask. I've only seen up to episode 26, so if this isn't 100 canon-compliant...my apologies. Thanks to djkiku on LJ for the impromptu beta!
Word Count: 2,032

"Hey, Toushi," said Kondo easily, knocking on the door as an afterthought. "You busy?"

Hijikata barely heard him. He continued to re-read the letter in his hands for what must have been the twelfth time that day.

"Is that a love-letter?" asked a voice behind his shoulder.

Hijikata crumpled the paper into nothingness, turning to hit Okita and missing. He glared, stuffing the paper into a pocket with one hand while reaching for his cigarettes with the other. "You shouldn't read over people's shoulders," he grumbled, flicking his lighter on. "It's creepy."

"What's going on?" asked Kondo, a look of confusion on his face.

"Nothing," said Hijikata.

"He's in love," said Okita immediately after.

"Will you cut that out?!" The vice-captain turned towards his superior. "Did you need me for something?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Kondo's face became composed - almost too serious as he beckoned Hijikata closer, wrapping one arm around him. "Walk with me," he said.

Okita watched as they left, unwrapping the small spy camera he'd sent for from his palm. He looked at it, then pulled out the instructions. "Only one hour to develop? They didn't say that in the catalog." He sighed, pocketing both the instructions and the camera as he went to find the nearest photo-printing store.

"...We've been waiting in these bushes for over six minutes now," Hijikata whispered carefully as he checked his watch. "What are we looking for?"

"Shh!"

Hijikata frowned, tense on the alert in spite of the lack of information.

Seeing his face, Kondo laughed. "I just wanted to make sure we were away from Sougo."

"Why?"

"So you can show me that letter, of course," said Kondo. "C'mon - who's it from?"

"It's not from anyone!" Hijikata stood.

"So it is a love letter?"

"I'm taking the afternoon off," declared Hijikata, turning on his heel and stalking off.

"Can I come, Toushi?" asked Kondo hopefully.

"No!"

Crestfallen, Kondo stood, tripped and watched the Shinsengumi vice-captain walking off until he couldn't be seen anymore. "You're no fun," he pouted.

Making his best efforts not to be noticed, Hijikata changed paths often, until he was standing in front of the Yorozuya. He reached one hand into his pocket, bringing out the letter. It took a few attempts to smooth it out; he read it one last time:

Oogushi-kun,

You're better than strawberry milk.

Go out with me. I'll buy you all the mayonnaise you could ever need.

My heart always goes rabu rabu when you're near, even when you're smoking right in my face, ruining my natural perm, don't you know how hard it is to keep it looking like this without you drying it out like that, you jackass?,

Gintoki...Sakata

"What's that?" asked Gintoki.

"...Nothing." Carefully, Hijikata folded the letter into fourths, stuffing it into his front pocket. "Junk mail."

"You always keep junk mail in your pockets?"

"You never know when you'll need substitute toilet paper," Hijikata answered without missing a beat.

Gintoki stared.

Hijikata fidgeted, just a little.

"You're not as stupid as you look, sometimes," said Gintoki, charging past him, into the Yorozuya, a shopping bag in his hands. Hijikata wondered if he should just turn around when Gintoki's head appeared. "That look on your face is making me regret saying that," he said, a questioning look on his own face. "Do you have heatstroke?"

"What? No."

"Oh." Hijikata fidgeted further as Gintoki invaded his personal space, staring at him head-on. "Are you sure? You look pale."

"I'm fine ," gritted Hijikata. "Have you written any letters lately?" he blurted out suddenly. Damn, this isn't how I meant to interrogate him , he thought to himself silently.

"Letters? No."

"Oh." Hijikata turned to leave. "Well, then I'll just -"

"Unless you mean that love letter," Gintoki interrupted, closing the door behind him, leaving the other man outside.

There was a loud crack as Hijikata kicked the door in.

"Oi, oi. I hope you intend to pay for that!" said Gintoki, unphased.

"What love letter?" growled Hijikata, grabbing Gintoki by the collar.

"Hey - police brutality! Help, help," said Gintoki as he was shaken back and forth.

"Shut up!"

"Shut up? I thought you wanted me to answer your question about that love letter I wrote," said Gintoki. "Going to be hard to do that if I can't talk. Does this mean we get to play charades?"

Hijikata's grip tightened. "So it was you?"

Gintoki shrugged.

"Che." Letting go, Hijikata turned around to compose himself. When he finally looked back, Gintoki had disappeared. "You'd better get back he-"

"Relax, Oogushi-kun," said Gintoki's voice from one of the lower cupboards, as he pulled out the super-giant-large-extra-deluxe bag of Puppy Chow, dragging it towards Sadaharu's bowl with all his might. "All right. Dinner ti-"

Hijikata brought the palm of his hand to his face. "Haven't you trained it to stop trying to eat your head yet?" he asked warily.

Gintoki's muffled voice responded, "We're still working on it." Once he'd been freed and wiped clean of dog drool, he looked at Hijikata. "Is that why you're here?"

"Dog training?"

"The letter in your front pocket," said Gintoki.

"...That's junk mail."

"I didn't know junk mail all came in my writing," said Gintoki; suddenly he was in front of Hijikata, pulling the note freely from the pocket, undoing the button with ease. He opened and re-read it. "Did I spell mayonnaise right? I can never tell if it's one N or two."

"Forget the spelling!" snapped Hijikata, retrieving the letter and stuffing it back down, as if to hide it; even though Gintoki had just admitted to writing it - well, practically admitted it - and therefore already knew what it contained. He reached for another cigarette.

"Oi. This is a no-smoking zone."

Hijikata ignored him, lighting up and taking a long drag off of the thin cigarette, watching Gintoki as he exhaled.

"I told you about what that does to my natural perm," Gintoki said, pouting faintly.

"Yeah, yeah," said Hijikata, waving this off. A few seconds of uncomfortable silence passed; Gintoki advantage of it to open one of the bottles of strawberry milk he'd bought. "Why'd you write it?" he asked gently.

"Because of my sultry and masculine feelings of forbidden love for you."

"W-W-What did you say?" sputtered Hijikata. Couldn't he have at least admitted it in a less embarrassing way?

Gintoki grinned strangely. "You actually want me to repeat that whole sentence?" He sighed. "All right. Because of my sultry and masculine -"

"Shut up!" said Hijikata, leaping forward and slamming Gintoki against their only-partially-working refrigerator, spilling some of the milk.

"Look what you made me do," pouted Gintoki. "That's a good seven ounces. Wasted."

"I'm asking a serious question!" Hijikata's eyes darkened with anger, and a lesser-experienced emotion: uncertainty, with a distinct shade of hopefulness.

Gintoki cocked his head to the side, studying him. Hijikata swallowed in a dry throat as the seconds passed, his eyes looking briefly down at Gintoki's neck - i smooth /i - and chest - also smooth - all the way down to his -

"It was a joke."

Something in Hijikata's stomach plummeted just then. He fought to keep it from his features, forcing a laugh.

"Are you disappointed?" asked Gintoki as he was let go, Hijikata puffing once more on his cigarette.

He looked at the silver hair and the vacant eyes, smirking. "Of course," he said pompously; dragging the moment before adding, "It promised all the mayo I could ever need."

"That's all it takes?" asked Gintoki wryly, watching him carefully over the rim of his milk bottle.

Hijikata made a noise of disgust. "That's the only thing that would have me endure your presence more than I already do." Scratching the back of his head, he let out a yawn, slipping what was left of his cigarette between his lips. "See ya."

"Hijikata." Something small but heavy landed in his palm as the vice-captain turned to catch the object thrown at him. He looked down, heart beating a little faster when he read the label that indicated his favourite mayonnaise. "What do you say?"

He turned the mayonnaise around in his hand, carefully considering. Was this another joke? Opening his mouth to speak, he found Gintoki's fingers skimming his Shinsengumi coat while the other hand turned Hijikata's face towards him.

The warm breath against his lips felt nice just before Gintoki's lips - soft, sweet, and tasting vaguely of strawberry and dairy - fell against his, pressing easily; their mouths parting briefly as Gintoki's tongue teased his, before withdrawing. He let go of Hijikata, facing the other way, only his elbow touching Hijikata's arm. "So?"

"This'll buy you half a date," he said gruffly.

"How much to get me laid?"

"..."

"...?"

"..." Hijikata's face flushed crimson, his grip on the mayonnaise tightening further.

"All right," said Gintoki, his voice holding a trace of mirth while still maintaining the normal disinterested tone. "I won't press the issue."

"Good."

Gintoki leaned back, his face in Hijikata's way. "But seriously. How much to cop a feel?"

"I'm not a prostitute!"

"You're also not welcome here," said Shinpachi, climbing through the door. "Gin-san." His glasses flashed.

"Huh?"

"Why is most of our door missing?"

Gintoki pointed at Hijikata. "He did it."

Hijikata pointed at Gintoki. "It was him."

Shinpachi calmly retreated from the room. The vice-captain and Gintoki looked at each other, and then shrugged.

"So - tonight?" asked Gintoki calmly.

"Nine PM."

"Where?"

"Here."

"BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARDS!" shouted Shinpachi as an assortment of surprisingly heavy tupperware was pelted at them.

Both ducked, nodding to each other before Hijikata ran for the door, his cigarette butt - nearly nothing but ash - landing on the door's fragments, causing it to light.

"FUCKING SHINSENGUMI!"

Hijikata ran faster.

A second letter soon followed the first, sent the morning after his strange - but surprisingly...nice - night with Gintoki. He opened it, unsurprised when a full carton of mayonnaise was delivered just moments after.

"Your admirer must really like you," said Okita from behind him, making him jump. "Or she's trying to kill you slowly."

"You mean like you?" said Hijikata, trying to change the subject, hoping Okita wouldn't look too closely at his face, which was as red as most men's when they'd been drinking. He forced the letter into his lower pocket, standing suddenly.

"Are you going to go masturbate?" asked Okita.

Hijikata sat back down. Damn.

He willed his erection away, though the letter's words kept tormenting him:

Oogushi-kun,

If you're good, I might let you lick a jar of this off of me. s No matter how gross and disgusting it is. /s

Of course, we'll have to shower you afterward. And cover you with whipped cream. Will this down payment be enough to cover that? I had to sell Sadaharu's left leg for it. Kagura says she's going to take mine from me instead. [HELP ME.

See you tonight.

Rabu rabu, as long as Shinpachi doesn't kill you because I'm not into necrophilia, and do you know he's still blaming me for that door, you asshole?

Sakata

PS SHE'S TRYING TO TAKE IT! HELP!

PPS SHE HAS AN AXE!

PPPPPPS SERIOUSLY!

PSS Nevermind. She fell asleep.

PP ...Heh.

Visions of mayonnaise swimming along Gintoki's inner thigh made him swallow. "Don't you have somewhere to be?" he asked, annoyed.

"Nope."

"You should go anyway."

"And miss catching more of your homo erotic overtones?"

"...What?"

"I wonder if Sakata-san is into breath play? Could be fun" And it could kill you, Okita added silently.

"...GET OUT OF MY OFFICE."

Outside, Okita fished his camera from his pocket. These set of prints would be even better than the last ones. He was sure he'd seen the word "necrophilia" in the newest letter at least once. He hummed as he walked towards the incorrectly-named one-hour photo shop while Hijikata threw his head back, unzipped his pants, and indulged in mayo-nic pleasure.

Reviews much appreciated.