Title: The Little Things Matter
Characters: Tim, Gibbs, and mentions of the team
Pairing: Established McGibbs
Genre: Character Study, Hurt / Comfort
Spoilers: None
…..
Looking at the clump of hair in his hand Tim couldn't help but feel nauseous and angry, angry at the cards he had been dealt, and angry that after everything cancer found something else to take from him.
"Hey Tim" Gibbs said plastering on a wide smile while trying to convey some sense of joviality for his boyfriend.
So transfixed on the latest clump of hair haphazardly laying in his palm he didn't notice Jethro come in or feel the bed dip near him.
"Tim" Gibbs tried again to unsuccessfully gain Tim's attention and after the third time Gibbs grabbed the hair and threw it in the wastebasket nearest Tim's bed.
Getting his attention now Tim turned angrily to Gibbs and said, "what the hell Jethro!"
"I tried calling your name. Don't dwell on that." Gibbs said trying to grasp his lover's hand in his before Tim pulled his hand back as though he had been burned.
Staring unseeing at the window in front of him Tim said, "you don't understand" before getting up and plopping down in the chair nearest the window. Basking in the artificial sunlight Tim tried not to shed more tears.
"You're right I don't know what it's like to have cancer but I know you," Gibbs said trying to break through the steel wall Tim had erected around himself recently.
"You knew me J" Tim said rather morosely. "I'm different."
Trying to remain calm knowing that in this particular situation his obtuseness would not be helpful Gibbs said, "This doesn't have to define you."
"Just stop pretending you know what it feels like, stop pretending that this will all go away because you say so. You don't have power over this" Tim said.
Sucking in a deep breath Gibbs said, "I know this isn't you. What happened to that fiery agent who stood up to me in that elevator?"
"Well he's gone" Tim shakily rasped out feeling the prickliness once again rise up into his eyes along with a constricting lump in his throat.
Moving on Gibbs said, "or my feisty lover who pushes the limits in bed" letting his lips turn up into a smirk at the image of Tim on top of him.
Letting a lone tear trickle down his cheek Tim said, "cancer took him away," before letting more tears slowly fall across his face.
Seeing his lover's shoulders begin to tremble uncontrollably broke Gibbs' heart, but he mused that the cancer diagnosis had broken his heart many times over the last few months, that he really shouldn't be surprised anymore.
Levering off of the bed Gibbs walked over to where Tim was sitting and gently wrapped his arms around his lover's shoulders in an effort to hopefully ground the man and convey that there was and is still much to live for.
"Oh Jethro…" Tim said before the lump in his throat allowed him to say nothing more.
"Shh…." Gibbs said while bending down and kissing the man's head and then sliding down to kiss the man's neck in the same way that he had done many times before.
Sagging beneath the wet kisses that would usually turn him on and which now they only served as another reminder of what he no longer had.
"Come on let's get you into bed" Gibbs said before helping the man up and shuffling him the few feet to the bed. Even the slightest movement these days tired Tim out and gently getting the man horizontal Gibbs saw the fine sheet of sweat lining the man's face.
"You have been so good to me Jethro, I'm sorry for earlier" Tim said gazing into the man's blue orbs that exuded so much energy and love still.
Squeezing the man's hand Gibbs said, "Told you years ago you were mine. Some cancer diagnosis won't get in the way of that."
"I just feel like I am a burden.." Tim began before being cut off by Jethro.
Taking the side's of Tim's face into his hands he made sure that Tim was looking into his eyes so he could see that he meant what he said Gibbs replied, "Never a burden. You will get better."
"This sucks though Jethro. Cancer already took my job, my energy, why does it have to take my hair too" Tim said before feeling more rivulets of tears fall from his eyes.
Brushing away the tears Gibbs responded, "Your job will be there for you when you are healthy. Next, once the treatments are over you'll be active again and the hair will grow back. Think of it as an experiment."
Tim rolling his eyes brought a smile to Gibbs face. "But I worked hard to grow out that awful buzz cut. The army hairdo just does not work for me" Tim said laughing.
Smiling at the old Tim somewhat returning, or at least making an appearance, Gibbs got off of the bed and went into the in suite bathroom to grab Tim's electric razor before coming back into the room.
"Want me to?" Gibbs asked while waving around the kit.
Nodding Tim sat up with Gibbs slipping in behind him and Gibbs plugged in the razor and grabbed Tim's shoulder's to pull him closer before beginning his work.
Since there wasn't much hair left the cutting didn't take long but seeing the hair roll off his head made Tim feel worse and he felt as though it would never be over.
Kissing his lover's now bare head Gibbs collected the droppings before sliding behind Tim again and pulling him close.
"Oh J…." Tim began.
"I know Tim, I know" Gibbs said.
"Do you really feel like I can beat this Jethro" Tim said burrowing into the crook of his lover's neck further.
Nodding, Gibbs said "before you know it you'll be out in the field with us, back in my bed."
A few minutes later Gibbs felt the rise and fall of Tim's chest and the steady hearty beating beneath his and used that rhythm to lull himself into a slumber.
….
Yawning and stretching Tim sleepily looked at his slumbering lover and couldn't help but smile at the man beneath him.
Gently and lightly Tim traced his lover's features and thought about how life had changed so dramatically since his diagnosis.
It was just supposed to be a routine check up, and instead Tim had come out of the doctor's office with a cancer diagnosis, and what seemed like a death sentence.
Truth be told after telling Jethro everything passed in one long hazy blur and at times it felt as though Tim was living fast snapshots of life without any ability to slow it down or capture any the memories.
Two months.
That is how long he had been in the hospital. Two months was how long he had been undergoing both chemotherapy and radiation to try and rid his body of the pancreatic diseased bacteria.
60 days. In 60 days he had lost all his hair and almost 15 pounds. He looked emaciated and barely had enough energy to sit up let alone walk to the bathroom.
Pushing aside those thoughts, or trying to anyway, Tim tried to think about the good things that had happened over the past two months.
While that was a considerably shorter list, Tim did smile at how close he and Jethro had become, even closer than he ever thought possible.
Tim was so sure Jethro would leave him, and if he was being honest that was still a thought that fluttered around his head when he had much time on his hands and too few good thoughts muddling around in there.
But Jethro never left.
He was there for the first day of chemotherapy and held him as he retched up everything that he had eaten and then some. Jethro was there to hold him whenever the pain and chills left him withering in pain.
His lover was constantly there and willing to try and ease the pain and humiliation in any way possible. Jethro had even had the nurse's show him how to do simple tasks like cleaning out and hooking up a new catheter because he knew how embarrassed his lover was about such things.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs in truth had been the lone bright spot in his life, minus his teammates that each came around daily to try and take away that deep seeded depression that knocked their Tim McGee of kilter, in the past few months.
Slowly Tim lowered his lips to Gibbs mouth and he gently kissed the man that brought him renewed hope and gave him a reason to keep trying.
Feeling the light sensation grace across his lips Gibbs slowly opened his eyes so he was gazing into the once vibrant orbs of his lover and reveled in the fleeting moment of passion.
Rubbing his hands up and down Tim's now bony back Gibbs said, "Never one to complain about your kisses but what was that for?"
Pressing his hands onto his lover's broad and meaty chest Tim said, "for being my hope and reason to fight."
Smiling Gibbs pecked his lover on his lips before covering them both in the plush and light comforter Abby had bought Tim.
"Rest babe. I'll be here when you wake up" Gibbs said while proving his point by pushing Tim's head down towards his chest and hugging the man's body towards his.
Gibbs would be there. He meant what he said and his last thought before he too fell asleep was of just how nice it would be to have Tim home again.
One day….