constellations

by your-street-serenade

From as far back as she could remember Santana had always had the belief that everything in one way or another was connected, like constellations.

From as far back as she could remember Santana had always had the belief that everything in one way or another was connected.

She might not have put stock in any specific religion or system or stuffy institution but she had always thought that there had to be something more out there to life and death and the space in between the two. All of her psychic mexican third eye jokes aside she had always felt that she was a little more intuitive than the average person.

She understood people on a deeper level and could usually suss out what they were about before they opened their mouths. She had a way with reading people's energies and vibes. It never took her long to figure out someone's motivation, good or bad. It was an insight that she knew not everyone possessed.

She always chalked it up to gut instincts usually.

That is until the day she met Brittany.

The first time she laid eyes on Brittany she knew there was something deeper and more profound about about the way she sensed things.

Yes. It was the second that she laid eyes on a gangly and adorable Brittany in middle school, that's when Santana knew it was more than her gut speaking and guiding her through life. It was then she decided that it was the universe. All Santana had to do was look into Brittany's crystal blue eyes to know that the girl before her would touch her soul in ways no one else ever had or would. And she did. Brittany touched her and soothed her and challenged her and set her on fire in the best, most fantastic, most thrilling ways.

It wasn't always a pleasant thing, being highly sensitive that is, but the one positive about it was that in the quiet moments when they were alone together she allowed herself to feel everything. Every touch and every kiss and every embrace and every handhold. Nothing about her time with Brittany was a blur because she committed every moment to her memory, storing them away under lock and key within her heart.

She remembers all those nights she spent in bed listening to Brittany's breathing in slumber. Santana would always admire the gentle rise and fall of her girlfriend's chest and gaze in wonder at the freckles on Brittany's sternum. She would trace invisible lines, connecting them all to each other.

They looked like constellations.

Like constellations Santana liked to believe everything in the world was somehow connected.

Of course the bad thing about being sensitive was that she could often sense danger and pain creeping around the corner.

She wasn't sure how she knew it of course, she just did, but she remembers the last time she held Brittany in bed. Somehow, someway, Santana knew then and there as their bodies curled into each other, slick and sated, that it would be their last time. Their last night. Together. In the darkness and the stillness she knew that the end of something was just beginning.

She also knew she was helpless to stop it.

She knew better than to fight the universe.

So she let Brittany go.

There was too much stacked against them, too many obstacles, too much distance she told herself. The universe had pulled them apart. It had also coincidentally pulled her to New York. And annoyingly enough, to Kurt Rachel. Santana didn't always understand the universe but it was making room for her there in that loft and in their lives and she didn't question it. She just sort of rolled into it, allowing herself to explore the city and this new chapter she had began.

Her heart still ached for Brittany, but she knew it was for the best to leave it be. Deep down she knew the universe would take care of Brittany the way it was beginning to take care of Santana herself. Her girl had a different path and out of love Santana could never bring herself to stand in Brittany's way. Santana wanted to believe the universe would maybe one day make everything align so that they could be together again but she knew she couldn't stand still and simply hope for that what if. She had to keep going, keep moving forward in her own life.

And so she did. She lived and worked and failed and accomplished and found her groove. Rachel and Kurt were her family, her really annoying ass family, but family all the same. Coming home to them was a comfort and although she would never say it to their faces she was thankful for them. The universe could've given her worse.

One thing she hadn't expected was the universe to bring Dani into her life. Santana had a few meaningless encounters after she and Brittany parted ways but that's all it ever was. Dani just sort of happened and again Santana rolled with it. Dani didn't exactly set Santana's soul on fire like Brittany, but that was fine. Dani was nice and sweet and laughed at all of Santana's jokes. Dani made her feel seen. They had fun together but deep down Santana knew that their thing wasn't a forever kind of thing. Santana was okay with that though. The universe had allowed her to meet someone new and Santana was simply going with the flow until the universe told her to move on again.

Santana had always trusted that the universe knew best. That things just worked out the way they were meant to. That there was a cause and a reasoning for everything.

She believed that, or she did once anyway.

Until the day Finn died.

She didn't understand the universe's reason for that. For taking Finn away from Rachel.

She'll never forget the day they got that call at the loft. She'll never forget watching as Rachel collapsed against Kurt or the way anguish washed over her friend's face. She'll never forget those painful devastating cries that came from Rachel and even Kurt and how Santana wished she could take it away from them, the hurt. But she couldn't, all she could do was stand by and watch it devour them during those initial hours.

Rachel was a mess. Santana had tried to sit and comfort her but after several hours Santana couldn't take it. Santana couldn't take the sitting and the dwelling. It was too much for her and she knew if she did the grief would swallow her whole, because maybe she and Finn weren't the best of friends, maybe they had a very complicated past, but she knew him and despite all of his mistakes he didn't deserve what happened to him.

So if Rachel needed to mourn him Santana was going to do what she could to make it a little bit easier on her friend. Rachel was in no condition to work and Santana decided to take several extra shifts at the diner so they could still afford their rent and necessities. She didn't want Rachel to have to worry about that, or Kurt for that matter.

For the next couple of weeks she barely spent any time at the loft, often opting to spend the night at Dani's. She didn't want Rachel to feel smothered, especially when a seemingly endless stream of others flew in to be with her. Quinn. Tina. Blaine. Even Mr. Schue. She would still observe though. Despite their good intentions no one seemed to be able to do any good for Rachel. They tried, even Santana could see that, but no one could really get through to her, no one could pull her out of her devastation. No matter who it was, Mercedes or Mike or Puck, even Rachel's own fathers, they were all helpless to console her. At the end of every visit Rachel seemed even more frail.

It was like everyone was trying to piece their friend back together again but Rachel was fighting them on it, insistent on remaining broken and shattered. It was almost like she wanted the grief to consume her until she herself ceased to exist.

Santana let her be for the most part. They still weren't besties by any means but they had grown close in the last few months together in the city and as far as Santana was concerned Rachel was allowed to mourn however she liked for as long as she liked. She told herself it wasn't her place to say or do anything.

But then Brittany showed up on the loft's door step.

Everyone else had made an appearance and done what they could as best as they could and now it seemed it was Brittany's turn to be a shoulder to their friend.

It was a bit awkward at first seeing as how Santana hadn't really seen her since Brittany had left for MIT but they had sidestepped the matter for Rachel's benefit. Santana had welcomed her into the loft and announced her arrival to Rachel who was still inconsolable and curled into bed. She was unmoving, her face pressed into her pillow where a mountain of tissues laid nearby. She didn't speak or give any sort of verbal acknowledgement of Brittany's presence. The only sign of life that came from her is when Brittany sat down at the edge of the bed and found Rachel's hand. She held it and squeezed. Rachel squeezed back.

Two hours later Brittany emerged from the room. Like the others who had came before her in the previous days Brittany had made little to no progress in consoling their friend.

''How is she?'' Santana asked when Brittany found her puttering around in the kitchen.

''She's…'' Brittany made a helpless wave with her hand. She was at a complete loss for words. ''I'm sorry I couldn't get her out of bed.''

''You did your best. You let her know that you're here for her and that's all that matters.''

Brittany picked up her coat from around a chair. ''I guess I should probably get going-''

''Do you have to?'' Santana asked as she shuffled around the dining table. ''I mean it's late, you should stay the night. Please. Unless you have somewhere you need to be.''

''Are you sure?''

''Brittany,'' Santana said simply.

With a grateful nod of her head Brittany placed her jacket back down. ''Thank you.''

''No thank you necessary.''

''I appreciate it. I don't know if I had it in me to survive the train ride back. I'm drained. Crying is exhausting.''

''I could make you something to eat, you must be starved.'' Santana went to open the fridge and started rifling through it. It was filled with plenty of food brought by the others when they had came to visit. ''Why don't you sit down and relax and I'll heat something up for you.''

''Actually I'm not hungry but if you have anything I could for sure use a drink.''

Santana shut the fridge. ''That I can definitely help you with.''

Twenty minutes later they were up on the building's rooftop leaning against the large thick brick barrier. Together and with two bottles of beer (courtesy of Puck, because while everyone else had came with food and flowers in hand he had came with alcohol) in hand they watched the city twinkle with lights and life below and off in the distance. The crisp fresh air was a welcome change from the stifling devastation that seemed to suffocate anyone and everyone who stepped inside the loft.

''I'm glad you're here.'' Santana said eventually. ''I've missed you Britt. More than you can ever imagine. I know this visit is about Rachel but it feels so good to see your face.''

''It feels good to see yours too.''

''To tell you the truth I've always wanted to show you New York….'' Santana's voice went soft and sad. ''I never wanted it to be because of something like this though.''

''I wish I was here under happier circumstances too. I'm sorry I never made it out to visit you before this.''

''You had a lot on your plate. So did I. You're here now though.''

Brittany studied the label on her bottle and played with the edges, picking at the paper with her nails. ''And a lot of good that did Rachel.''

''Trust me, she's been like that with everyone. It's not you. She just has to feel it to get beyond it.''

Brittany's voice cracked slightly but she cleared the tremor in her throat, washing it back with a gulp of her beer. ''I hate this. All of this. I hate that the first time I'm seeing you in forever is because of what happened. You and I had our issues with Finn but I never wanted…''

She trailed off and lets the rest of her sentence hang in the air unspoken for several long quiet moments.

No matter what had happened in the past and despite any of their less than pleasant interactions with Finn, neither of them had ever wished him death.

''I know,'' Santana said, knowing exactly what Brittany was trying to wordlessly convey.

''I wasn't expecting to hurt like this...over him,'' Brittany said, confused with her own grief.

''For the longest time there was a tiny part of me that just-just wanted to hate Finn. I mean let's be real he made it so easy to. He was pompous and privileged and always talked about being a leader but did a sucky ass job at actually encouraging people or bringing us together. Everyone wants to paint this picture of him and rewrite history but the truth is Finn wasn't a hero. He was just...he was just a kid. A stupid kid who said and did a lot of dumbass things in high school and maybe he would've grown up and become an even bigger, even more ignorant dumbass...but maybe...maybe he would've grown up and turned himself into a better man. A good man. And maybe that man, the man he would've become, maybe he could've been a hero.'' Santana looked up into the dark sky and looked for some kind of answer in the stars above. This time she found none. There were no constellations to make sense of, all that she saw was emptiness. ''But we'll never know. He'll never get that chance. He'll never get to be what he could've been and despite everything that happened between us...I think he could've been something good.''

Brittany turned her body to the side to watch Santana. ''Are you okay?'' she asked and then shook her head about. ''I mean I know no one's okay right now but, are you?''

''I don't really know. I've been going through the motions. I try to keep it together for Kurt and Rachel. There's too much to unpack about my feelings on Finn. I can't get into that now. They need me.''

''You've been taking care of them.'' It wasn't a question so much as it was a statement. ''But is anyone taking care of you?''

Santana swallowed and shifted in place. She and Brittany still kept up with each other on social media. She knew for a fact that Brittany had seen pictures of her with Dani. They hadn't really discussed it though.

''I'm good. I don't need anyone propping me up,'' Santana insisted, her pride flaring up.

''I know you don't. I just worry about you.''

''Why?''

''You know why. Just because we're not together doesn't mean my feelings for you just magically went away, Santana. With Finn and the way everything is right now, I honestly don't have the energy for you to play this.''

''Play what?''

''The wounded party,'' answered Brittany. ''I know it's what you do, you get all ruffely when you're hurt so you lash out with words and attitude. You and I have both hurt each other in the past and I'm not saying either of us have to forget any of that but don't act like there's any doubt about my feelings towards you.'' Brittany simply didn't have it in her to go in circles or rehash the matter of who hurt who first or who left who first or whether Brittany had any reason to still worry or care for her when they were ex-girlfriends.

''All I could think about was you, you know.'' Santana admitted and finally turned her neck to catch Brittany's gaze.

''What?''

''When I heard about Finn all I could think about was you,'' Santana repeats, almost quaking as she does. ''When that call came I saw Rachel fall apart. She just...she just crumbled. I've never seen anyone like that before, Britt. To tell you the truth I never understood what they saw in each other, she was more than slightly obnoxious and he could be a total oaf, but she always used to say that he was her person and when she got that call and I saw her fall apart like that...all I could think about was what it would be like. To lose your person. It's probably selfish and completely self absorbed but all I could think about was what it would've been like if it was me. If I got that call and they told me that my person was gone. That you….'' Santana drifts, unwilling to say it out loud. ''You're my person and I could never begin to imagine what it would feel like to lose you, Brittany. I'd die if I had to. You were all I could think about. I don't know what's going to happen or where you and I stand but even after everything, you're my person. You're my person, even if I'm not your person. You could go off and meet your person tomorrow and live happily ever after with them and that would be okay, you would still be my person. I want you to know that.''

''Santana.''

''You don't have to say it back.''

Brittany tugged Santana to her. ''I know I don't. But you're not my person, Santana, okay?''

''Yeah-'' Santana bowed her head at that.

''No, look at me,'' Brittany tugged at her again, harder, more forcefully bringing Santana's front to her own. ''You're so beyond that. You always have been. You're not my person, you're my everything. Like I don't know what I would do if it was you because-because sometimes I think there's no me if there's no me and you.''

''It could've been you.''

''But it wasn't.''

Santana let warm tears rush out of her as she shook her head frantically. ''It could've been though, it could've been either one of us. You could've just as easily gotten that call. I could've gotten that call.''

''But we didn't,'' Brittany said firmly, desperately trying to sooth Santana. ''We're here. Both of us. We're here. I'm here.'' She pulled Santana's hand up and placed it over her heart, allowing Santana to feel the steady rhythm. ''I'm here. Right here. This is me. You feel that? I'm not going anywhere.''

Santana shuttered and closed her eyes as she felt the constant pitter patter of Brittany's heartbeat.

''I love you. I'm always going to love you,'' Brittany cried. ''And we're going to be together again and nothing, not New York, not MIT, not any distance, not anything, not even death is going to stop us from getting our happy ending. You're okay and I'm okay and one day very soon I promise you…'' she placed her lips onto Santana's wet cheek. ''We are going to be so unbelievably happy together. God.''

Brittany allowed her own tears to fall. They mingled with Santana's as she pressed their faces together. But pecks became kisses and kisses turned fervent and before they knew it they were tangled together on that rooftop, both of them seeking comfort in getting lost in each other. They were wrapped up in each other, crying and embracing, licking salty tears off of each other's lips.

''Stay with me tonight,'' Santana whispered.

''I am.''

''No, I mean stay with me, Brittany. In my bed.''

Brittany swallowed and for a few seconds looked like she was about to say yes. ''Santana.''

''I need you,'' Santana admitted. ''I just want to feel something real. I just want to forget this stupid fucking hurt.'' She hit her own chest as more tears fell. ''I want you to make me forget. Just for a little while.''

Brittany struggled, clenching her jaw. ''You have no idea how much I want to make you forget, to make you feel something else and take care of you but - you have someone. You haven't told me but I know you do. You can't. You have a girlfriend.''

''I don't care,'' Santana said, moving out of Brittany's arms and pacing around in small circles, anxious and frustrated. Half crying out to Brittany, half crying out to the sky above. ''I don't care! It's horrible and selfish and more than a little fucked up but I don't care. I just want to feel you and for you to feel me. I want it to be like it was before. Before we broke up, before I moved here, before Finn died. I just want to go back before any of that when it was simple and everyone was relatively happy and alive. Before we all had to grow up. Why can't we do that? Why can't we just go back?''

''We just can't. You think I don't want to do the same thing? I do! I want to forget too. I want to numb myself too! But screwing our brains out isn't going to turn back time, Santana! And hurting your girlfriend...you can't do that to her. You can't do that to me.''

''Then what am I supposed to do?'' Santana asked, her voice turning quiet in defeat. ''How am I supposed to survive this?''

''I don't have the answers.''

''Then who does?''

They stood in silence and waited.

And waited.

The universe made no reply.

X

In the end they did share Santana's bed.

They curled up together and slept in each other's arms but there was a clear understanding that nothing would happen. As easy as it would've been to fall into bed and sink into each other it wouldn't have been right.

Santana did have somebody and that somebody didn't deserve to be cheated on. More than that Brittany didn't deserve to be some side piece, some other woman. She couldn't give Brittany scraps, if she was going to give herself she had to give her everything.

While it wasn't the kind Santana had been so desperate for she did bask in this innocent kind of intimacy with Brittany. They held each other that night warding away the other's pain, if only briefly. Brittany made Santana promise to take care of herself, to make sure that she dealt with her own emotions through all of this. She made Brittany promise to do the same. And together they promised each other that the next time they laid with one another they would be officially forever.

''This whole thing with Finn has made me realize that life is too short to not go after your dreams,'' Brittany whispered as her head rested on Santana's shoulder.

Santana smelled the top of Brittany's hair and closed her eyes. ''What are your dreams?''

''As far as career goes I'm not sure. I know my dreams aren't at MIT though and they're for sure not back in Lima. I think I need to be somewhere else to figure them out. Somewhere big and bustling. Somewhere where I can be me, you know?''

''I get that.''

''All I know is I can't sit around waiting for things to reveal themselves to me, I have to go out there and figure it out for myself. Finn…he's never going to get the chance to discover who he could've been. I still have that opportunity though and I can't waste it.''

''I think that's a really positive way to look at.''

''I have other dreams too,'' Brittany carried on. Her tone was lighter, almost hopeful. ''And in them I'm always singing with you.''

X

For the first time since everything happened Santana slept soundly.

There was something so supremely peaceful about sharing her space with Brittany that way that slumber overcame her with ease.

She felt rested when she woke up the next morning. She also felt slightly confused when she realized Brittany had gotten up and left before she had a chance to wake and say goodbye. It was strange how she wasn't hurt by it. If anything she felt confident that they were in a really good place with each other. She felt a smile tug at her lips a half hour later when she received a text from her. Brittany explained she had to go back to sort some stuff out at school but that she would be back soon and that when she was it would be for good.

She felt a sort of hope bloom in her chest. After everything, after all of this grief surrounding her and Rachel and Kurt, Santana was reminded that there was still joy out in the world. Brittany was coming to New York and they would find a way back to each other, perhaps not right away but it was very clearly something they both wanted to work towards.

At least Santana hoped so.

In the meantime she still tried her best to look after Rachel.

But days turned into weeks with little to no change in Rachel's behavior.

Her friend was still so very utterly lost and heartbroken. Rachel was becoming smaller it seemed like. And as much as Santana had always claimed to hate it, she had come to miss hearing Berry's voice. Rachel had stopped singing. She hadn't been able to since Finn died and that more than anything was what troubled Santana the most. Rachel had always defined herself by her voice and now that voice was gone and no one really seemed to know what to do or how to help her.

And Santana, Santana was getting tired. She was getting tired of walking on eggshells in the loft. She cared about her friend and her friend was wasting away in front of her. That was no kind of life, certainly no kind of life Finn would want for Rachel.

''Your sweater is inside out,'' Santana said to Rachel one morning when she came out of her bedroom in search of food.

''It is, isn't it,'' Rachel said monotonously as she collected the plate Kurt had prepared for her and started back to her living quarters.

Santana sighed and decided to follow her, opening up the curtain partitions to allow light and slightly more fresh air into Rachel's area. ''Kurt took off for the day but I was thinking we could actually eat at the kitchen table together,'' Santana gently encouraged Rachel to come back out.

Rachel made no reply, she just crawled into bed with her food and picked at it.

''How about we get out of the house today? I'm off and Dani's working so you and I could spend some quality time together?'' Santana tried again.

Again Rachel remained silent. She pulled her duvet over her hips, sinking back into her bed cocoon.

''Come on,'' Santana continued. ''You can take me on some stuffy Broadway sightseeing adventure, huh?''

''I appreciate the offer Santana but no thank you. I don't think I'm up to going out.''

Santana exhaled and went to gather discarded articles of clothing and old tissues that still littered the space. ''Well you're gonna have to put on your big girl pants and do it soon.''

''Why?''

''Because you owe it to yourself, that's why, and also Berry I hate to break it to you but uh it's getting a little rank up in here.'' For emphasis Santana fanned her hand about as if there were a stench in the air. ''How much longer are you going to do this?''

''Do what?''

''Shut yourself away from the world.''

''What else is there out there for me?''

''Life, if you want it. Finn's gone, Rachel, and hiding yourself away isn't going to bring him back.''

Rachel clenched her jaw and leapt into a sitting position, throwing an accusatory finger in Santana's direction. ''You don't know what I'm feeling!''

''I'm well aware.''

''I know this isn't exactly the healthiest way to cope, Santana, but you know what? There isn't exactly a handbook to this situation. If I could open up a book and figure out how to get to the other side of ALL OF THIS PAIN then I would! I would! But that book doesn't exist and so yes, I sit here and spend my days and nights crying and thinking and going over every little moment in my head wondering! What if, what if I could trace it back? What if I could go over every tiny detail of his life and my life and alter something that would've changed the ending?'' Rachel pounded a fist into her mattress. Her words escaping her like a flood. ''What if on the day he died he woke up and decided to wear a different shirt? What if that one tiny insignificant detail was changed, would it somehow change everything else about that day? Or I could even go back further! What if we had gone through with getting married senior year? Or, or before that, what if he had never been with me to begin with and stayed with Quinn? If they had been together maybe he would've made different choices here and there along the way and maybe those choices would've kept him safe? Huh? I've started to wonder what if Finn had never even been in glee club to begin with. At what point in the timeline of his life did he get off at the wrong turn? Hm? Or was all of this, everything, was it already set in motion from the minute he took his first breath? Was there no escaping it? Was every step he ever took just taking him closer to his death?''

Rachel was openly crying through her outburst and Santana felt her own eyes brimming as well.

''I keep asking myself these questions,'' Rachel wept.

Santana went to her, pushing away covers and pillows and pulled Rachel into a hug. ''You're never going to find your answers by locking yourself up like this though. And you know what, Berry? You can drive yourself mad imagining all of the what ifs in the world. You know I deal in honesty so here it is: there's no going back. Trust me, I wish there was. Who knows if things would've turned out differently if he had made other choices because this is where we are. We can't see the future and we can't change the past and where we are right now is in the middle of the aftermath.''

''What does that even mean?''

''It means...it means your heart is in ruins right now, Rachel, and it might be a slow process, it might even take you the rest of your life but this? This is where you rebuild.'' Santana touched Rachel's chest lightly, over her heart.

''What if I don't want to rebuild?''

''The way I see it is you don't have a choice. You can't live the rest of your life in ruins.''

''Then how - how do I even start?''

''You start by running a brush through your hair and getting into some fresh clothes and getting out of the loft today. Let's go for a walk, we don't even have to talk. I'll buy you, like, vegan ice cream or some shit. Is that a thing? Does vegan ice cream exist?''

Through tears Rachel broke out into a smile. ''Yes it exists.''

''Well if you get dressed I'll buy you some. With sprinkles on top…..can vegans eat sprinkles?''

''I do.'' Rachel shrugged.

Santana smiled back, happy to see Rachel soften. ''Look I know getting some sun and a little exercise isn't going to fix everything or make any of your pain go away, Rachel, but it's the first stone. This is how you rebuild and it won't be perfect or easy but you gotta try.''

''Why?''

''Because, I can't believe I'm saying this, the world needs Rachel Barbra Berry in it. I think Finn would be the first to agree.''

X

They ended up spending a good several hours out and about with Santana doing her best to keep Rachel's spirits up. Or at the very least distracted.

They went for a walk in the park, browsed a bookstore and basically ambled around the city exploring. It went smoothly for the most part and Rachel only managed to bring Finn up a handful of times but still, Santana felt like her friend was taking a step in the right direction.

They capped off the afternoon with a trip to the grocery store. The loft was in need of a few necessities and as she had promised Santana bought a carton of vegan ice cream. When they got home Rachel insisted Santana have a taste. It was one of the most foul things Santana had ever eaten in her life but she was pleased to see that all of her screwed up faces and gagging sounds seemed to amuse Rachel.

''Vegan ice cream is pretty bad,'' Rachel thought aloud later that evening as they sat up on the roof on a makeshift picnic blanket.

Santana tossed the ice cream aside. ''Then why the hell did you tell me to eat it?''

''Because I really needed a laugh and watching you choke that down gave me a good one.''

Santana could forgive that though. ''You get a pass this time Berry.''

''Thank you for today, Santana. I didn't want to admit it to myself but I really needed it.''

''Well what are friends for?''

''You and I have had our ups and downs but all of this stuff with Finn has made me look back and reevaluate so many relationships. It's made me more thankful for them.''

''Are you trying to tell me you love me?''

''Actually yes,'' Rachel said.

''Gross, Berry.''

''Shut up. I'm being serious here. Losing Finn made me realize a few things.''

''Yeah?'' Santana asked and placed her hands on the ground behind her, propping herself up as she listened.

''I always used to believe that I was the biggest, greatest, brightest star…'' Rachel glanced skywards with a sort of melancholy. ''That others were so dull and dim in comparison. But now? I'm not so sure about that. I mean who really wants to be that one lone star burning everything up around them. Isolated and unsustainable. That's no way to exist.''

''You're telling me you don't want to be a star anymore?''

Rachel considered this with a frown briefly. ''Not quite. It's not that I don't want to one day be a star but rather...I don't want to be alone. I want to be a part of something.''

''Like what?''

''What if every family or group of friends, what if in the end when we're gone we find each other again?'' Rachel gestured for Santana to observe the stars above. ''I want to believe that Finn is up there somewhere, waiting for me, for all of us. What if constellations are really just a group of souls coming back together? I heard that somewhere once. I never wanted to believe it until now.''

''I don't know about any of that,'' Santana began carefully. ''What I do know is that a very smart individual once told me anything is possible.''

X

It wasn't the wildest thing Santana had ever considered but it was up there but something about that rooftop conversation with Rachel got the gears turning inside Santana's head.

Rachel had taken a few small baby steps after that night like eating at the kitchen table, taking an occasional walk and answering people's calls and texts when they tried to check in with her but she was still a long way from resembling her former self. Not when she still had so many questions and unresolved emotions.

When Santana brought up her brilliant plan to perhaps give Rachel some kind of closure Kurt scoffed at it almost immediately.

''A psychic?!'' he screeched at Santana in disbelief. ''You want to take Rachel to see a psychic?''

''Not a psychic, a medium,'' Santana corrected him.

''Same difference!'' Kurt hollered. ''The last thing Rachel needs right now is some scammer taking advantage of her vulnerability.''

''I wouldn't take her to a scam artist,'' Santana argued. ''I would check the person out beforehand and anyway, I'm the ultimate scammer. I would never let them get away with anything.''

''Rachel's grief isn't a joke, Santana.''

''Who said it was?'' Santana continued to counter. ''Just because you don't believe in any of that stuff doesn't mean it can't help her.''

''There's no way I'm allowing this.''

''You won't even consider another viewpoint?''

''Stop!'' Rachel hollered as she interjected herself into their back and forth. She gently placed a hand onto Kurt's chest and inched him back. ''While I do appreciate you wanting to protect me, Kurt, this is my choice.''

''Rachel,'' Kurt sighed in warning.

''I'm not saying I believe in any of that stuff, but really, what do I have to lose?'' Rachel asked. ''I've spent hours, days, weeks even asking myself question after question about all of this, about Finn. I'm no closer to any kind of answer. Maybe this excursion with Santana will be completely fruitless but what is there to lose? It already feels like I've lost everything anyway.''

Kurt really didn't have a response to that. He stood down. It was Rachel's choice after all just like she said and while he did wish them luck he said it wasn't something he felt comfortable taking part in. This, he said, was something they would have to do, just the two of them.

And that's how Santana and Rachel came to stand in front of a strange medium's storefront one chilly evening. Together they stared at the flickering neon signage.

''We don't have to do this,'' Santana said, wanting to give Rachel an out just in case she had any second thoughts. ''We could just go get some coffee or-''

''No,'' Rachel halted her firmly. ''I want to do this. I need to do this.''

Santana nodded. ''The girl at the diner said this person is legit. Or at least she said it felt real to her when she came here.''

''I just need to know if he's okay.''

That was confirmation enough for Santana that Rachel was ready to proceed.

A bell rang as they entered the shop, the inside of which was dark but also somehow welcoming. They were greeted by the owner of the establishment. She was a short, stocky woman with a kind face.

Santana did most of the talking up front, explaining to the woman that Rachel was the one who wanted a reading though she was careful with her words. She didn't want to give the woman any sort of hint about Rachel's situation or the fact that she had recently suffered a great loss, she really wanted to see what this supposed medium could sense on her own. If the woman could pull that out of thin air then Santana would know she was really in tune with something, and if she didn't, well it would give Santana enough ammo to call her out on it and leave a really nasty Yelp review.

The woman, the medium, eased them into the process and gave them a step by step in how her gift worked. She told them she didn't always deal in specifics like names or dates but that she mostly dealt in vibrations. Everything and everyone had energy and energy vibrated. It was all about openness she said, the more open you were the more likely it would be that something would come through.

Under her breath Santana, who had forked out the cash for this, told Rachel that for fifty dollars Rachel best be open.

And so the reading began.

The medium's words started out very vague, telling Rachel that she was a very driven, focused young woman, a woman with a destiny and a talent. She waxed on about how Rachel was meant for great things. She spoke about how Rachel would one day touch people and have an a tremendous amount of influence in her career. All of that talk seemed to pique Rachel's interest but Santana thought it was a little too easy, too convenient. Isn't that what most people wanted to be told after all? There was nothing truly significant about what the medium was telling Rachel. It felt more like flattery than a real reading.

But then, then the woman stopped speaking for several seconds and observed Rachel before reaching across the small table they were sat at and taking both of her hands.

''I also feel you have a very strong connection to a couple of different women,'' the medium spoke, squinting her eyes as if she were pulling this information from somewhere else.

''Women?'' Rachel asked.

''Two of them to be exact.''

''And they're, what, talking to you from the other side?'' Santana questioned.

''No,'' the medium said. ''They're not dead.''

''Say what now?''

''Santana, be quiet.''

The medium however just stared ahead at Rachel, her subject. ''You have two very, very profound connections to two different women, two very alive women.''

''I do?'' Rachel encouraged her on.

Santana was confused. They came here to hear about Finn and she didn't understand why this chick was going on tangents about two mystery women in Rachel's life.

''One is very clearly older. She looks, she looks just like you. I sense a mutual fondness there. There's a definite blood bond...what I don't see is a heart bond.''

''What the hell does that mean?'' Santana scoffed but was immediately hushed by Rachel.

''Keep going,'' Rachel instructed the woman.

''She loves you and you love her but you'll never truly be present in each other's lives,'' the medium said softly, apologetically. ''She'll carry you in her heart though for the rest of her days. As for the other woman that's a more complicated matter.''

''Complicated how?'' asked Rachel.

''Your relationship with this second person is complex and fragile. There's always been a push and pull aspect to your relationship, hasn't there? I sense there's been a lot of strife and struggle between the two of you but beyond that there's also been a great and painful longing. On both sides.''

''Longing?'' Santana wondered aloud though neither Rachel nor the medium paid her any mind.

''I don't want to necessarily call it romantic longing though,'' the medium said. ''What you and she had almost transcends that. What you and this woman possessed exists in some entirely new territory.''

''I think I know who you're talking about.''

''She's special to you for your own reasons isn't she?'' the medium asked.

''Yes.''

''There's a lot of unfinished business there but you both want resolution. I want you to know it's going to come, perhaps not today or tomorrow, but one day you'll be able to have a peace and an understanding with her.''

Eager for the woman to move on Santana spoke up, ''do you see anyone else?''

''I also see a third very significant person in your life,'' the medium exhaled and almost shivered as she touched Rachel. ''But the energy is different here. Unlike the other two I sense this one is no longer with us, at least not on this plane.''

At this Santana straightened and and became alert.

''It's a man. A young man,'' the medium stated and went on as Rachel's shoulders quaked with emotion. ''You cared very deeply for him... ''

''I did,'' Rachel squeaked out through tears. ''I do.''

The woman looked like she was mentally sifting through something. ''I'm sensing he was a lumbering fellow. I can't see his features or his face exactly but when I see him in my mind's eye I'm looking up. I'm getting tall.''

''He was.''

''He's telling me he always had to bend down to kiss you. He's laughing and telling me you would always whine about your neck hurting afterwards.''

''I would,'' Rachel actually broke out into a grin.

''He says he already misses kissing you. More than anything though he's telling me he's going to miss your voice. He says he wishes he could've sung to you one last time before he went.''

''He does?''

''He says you shouldn't worry though because where he is, he can still hear you.''

''I need to know more though,'' Rachel pressed on. ''He died and now all I have are questions. Why it happened and how it happened and where he is and if he's okay and if he-if he's still with me?''

''I told you I don't deal in specifics,'' the medium reminded Rachel softly. ''It doesn't come to me that way. I get these broad strokes directed at me and sometimes they're a little more focused and detailed but most of the time they're just that, broad strokes. I can tell you that I know his passing was very recently and that it was an accident but I can't give you the why of it all.''

''Then what else can you give me?'' Rachel asked, desperate for anything.

The woman took several long and loaded moments before she quietly murmured. ''He says he once asked you to surrender. He's telling me to remind you of that. You have to surrender to the things you cannot change. He says he's gone now and torturing yourself over the hows and the whys and the what fors, you're just going to drive yourself mad. He wants me to tell you to surrender, because surrendering is sometimes the only way to survive.''

Rachel was full on crying and Santana went to stand behind her, placing both of her hands on her shoulders.

''The one question I can answer is that yes he's very much still with you,'' the medium answered. ''He's telling me that he gave you something once and that you still have it and that if you ever need him that's where he'll be. He's telling me to tell you you don't need to wonder because you already know exactly where he is.''

''What even-'' Santana started.

''Oh my god,'' Rachel whispered and just like that she bolted out of her seat and scrambled out of the room and then the building leaving Santana to toss a few extra bills towards the woman and run after her.

By the time Santana made it out onto the sidewalk Rachel was already hailing a cab and sliding into the backseat. Santana had to haul ass to catch up because it didn't look like Rachel was going to wait for her. Rachel gave the driver directions to the loft but the whole ride there she flat out refused to explain anything to Santana, instead she opted to stare out at the darkened sky through her window.

Once they were home Rachel tore through the place and pulled out several boxes from a tiny closet she and Kurt had been using for storage. Santana simply stood back and watched as her friend pulled out yearbooks and trinkets, trophies and mementos, tossing them all aside in search of something. Of what? Santana wasn't sure but Rachel looked almost frantic as she leafed through item after item.

''Whoa, Rachel, okay, what are you doing?'' Santana asked. ''If Kurt comes home to this he's going to flip.''

''I don't care! Let him!'' Rachel hollered as she carried on like a madwoman, pulling a box down sideways in order to scope out its contents. ''I need to find something!''

''Well then tell me what it is so I can help.''

''Is this it? This is it?'' Rachel was practically panting as she held up an envelope with her name written across it in Finn's signature scrawl.

''Will you please tell me what's going on?''

Too caught up in her quest Rachel ignored Santana and rushed past her into the living room. She made straight for the window in the corner where a tall old bulky telescope resided. Kurt had dragged it into the loft months ago having found it in an antique shop, he had insisted it would make a perfectly whimsical piece of decor for their living quarters. Now it looked like it would be put to proper use as Rachel picked it up and tossed it onto one of her shoulders. She started marching herself out of the loft then and once again Santana could only follow in confusion until they eventually ended up on the roof of the building.

''What are we doing up here?'' Santana asked.

''We're looking for Finn,'' Rachel said confidently as she set the telescope down, kicking out its legs and aiming it skywards.

''We're doing what now?''

Rachel held out the envelope with wide hopeful eyes. ''Our senior year Finn gave me this. He got me my very own star and named it after himself.''

Santana pulled out the contents of the envelope and began reading. ''Weird, I mean not the star part but naming it after himself.''

''He said he named it after himself because there's already a star named Rachel Berry and that this way no matter where I was or where he was I would be able to find him. It was a sweet gesture but I guess I just tucked it into a box and forgot about it until now, but now I need to find him.''

''This looks like German to me, Rachel,'' Santana confessed. The coordinates of Finn's star didn't make any sense to her. ''I don't know how to read this.''

''There has to be a way.'' Rachel took the paper in her own hands to read it over herself. ''See, look, it says here that we can find the star if we can find Ursa Major. Something-something-something, Ursa Major is the easiest most observable constellation viewable to the naked eye. See!''

''Rachel.''

''I'm finding him, Santana, I'm finding him even if it takes me all night!''

''Hey, I'm trying to help you here,'' Santana shouted. ''But right now you're a little hysterical like. If you want to find Finn's star I'm all in and I'm sure Kurt would be too but maybe let's take a breath and do this on another night?''

''What if it had been Brittany?!'' Rachel shouted back, instantly regretting it and covering her mouth in regret.

Santana's lips quivered, angry and hurt. ''Screw you, Rachel.''

''I...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that.''

''I know you're hurting and I'm here but not if you throw things like that in my face, expecting a reaction? Cause guess what, the next time you do you'll get one and it won't be pretty I promise you that.''

''I know and again, I'm sorry.'' Rachel took a deep breath and exhaled, calming herself. ''I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I just need to do this, Santana. He's my person and he's gone and I need to know that something of him still exists in this world. If god forbid something ever happened to Brittany...wouldn't you need to do the same?''

Santana swallowed and nodded.

She would.

After it was all said and done it took them three hours. Three long hours of pacing and grumbling and bickering and frustrating themselves but in the end after a little help from google and the antioxidants from a bottle of wine they took to swigging from, they found it.

They found him.

They found Finn.

Bright and burning above them.

And it was then that Santana stared at Rachel staring at the star, captivated. And in that moment she saw a sort of peace wash over her friend's face. Or maybe it was acceptance. Either way she could almost see the suffering and anguish leave Rachel's body. Where it went she didn't know, all she knew was that she felt relief, for herself, for Rachel, for all of them.

There was a part of him still here in this world and that for whatever reason was a comfort to know.

''Do you really believe in all of that stuff?'' Santana asked later on.

They had stayed up on the roof late into the night even after they had found Finn's star. Santana got the sense that Rachel needed to be close to it, him. Santana had went and gotten them a couple of blankets, one to spread out and sit on and another to keep them warm. She had brought up another bottle of wine and even ordered them a pizza. If Rachel needed to be near Finn's star Santana at the very least didn't want her to be alone.

''I don't know. Maybe.'' Rachel took a drink from the bottle between them. ''In high school I always used to think I was a little psychic.''

''Why?''

''I suppose I felt that I was more intuitive than others. I don't know where that went. I mean if I was then surely I would've seen all of this coming wouldn't I?''

Santana lifted a shoulder and bite into her pizza crust. ''I don't think it works like that.''

''I've always wanted to believe I was somewhat open though. A lot of what that woman said tonight did hit the nail on the head.''

''Even about those two women?''

''Even about them, yes.''

Santana itched to know to know more but she sensed now wasn't the time to pry and so she let it be. Whoever those women were, were none of her business. ''Well, in her roundabout way that medium reminded you of the star he gave you and that's what matters. I know it's no substitute but you still have a part of him here with you, Rachel. In that way he'll never leave you.''

''I know you and Finn had your problems but it means a lot that you could be here for me now.''

''I'd like to think you'd do the same for me.''

''I hope I never have to.''

Santana tossed her scraps of food aside and laid back on the blanket, her face to the sky. Rachel did the same after a few moments, placing herself parallel to Santana. She sighed contentedly as Finn's star twinkled down upon them.

''I always thought it would be him, you know,'' said Rachel.

''Hm?''

''At the end when I was in my golden years and he was in his and we had both accomplished what we wanted to accomplish in our lives...I always thought he would be the one I sung my last song to.''

''Last song?''

''Do you ever wonder about that?''

''Can't say that I have.''

''It's something I always simply assumed. That we'd have more time. That we'd find our way back together. That his last song would be mine and my last song would be his.''

Santana hummed thoughtfully.

''When you close your eyes and see yourself old and grey, who do you see yourself singing your last song to?''

''I think the wine is making you loopy.''

''I like to think it's making me see things clear-eyed. Tell me, there's no way you can't have thought about it. In the end, the last song you sing...who do you want to sing it to?''

''I'm not answering this.''

''Why?''

''Because this isn't about me, Berry. I'm here for you. I's not about to start spilling about my love life.''

''It's not her, is it?''

''What?''

''Dani. She's impossibly sweet but it's not her, it's someone else. You know it and I know it.''

''Go to sleep, Berry.''

X

Three months later the air in the loft felt different.

The ripples of Finn's death could still be felt but they were becoming easier to navigate. They were all managing their way back to normal, or as close to normal as possible.

But then Santana got the wind knocked out of her again when Brittany showed up at the loft, and like she promised this time it was for good. Finn dying had made her want to figure out her priorities and overhaul her life. Her first and biggest decision had been to smooth a few things out back at school so she could make the move to New York to truly find her calling.

Part of that calling was Santana.

It took Santana two weeks to find the right moment to pull Dani aside and tell her she thought it was time they both moved on. Dani cried and Santana cried. Just because they weren't meant to be didn't mean it didn't hurt Santana to have to break someone's heart. In the end she knew it was for the best though.

Dani deserved more than someone who was still in love with another person.

And as for Santana, everything that had happened with Finn had made her realize how precious every wasted second was. Life was about more than going through the motions. Every decision and every step had to mean something or else what was the point. The universe had finally worked it out so that she and Brittany were in the same place again. Everything was finally connecting again.

She didn't want to spend the rest of her life singing to the wrong person.

Not when the right person was already right here in front of her.

''Would it be okay if I bunked with you tonight?'' Brittany asked one night a few weeks later.

Brittany had become the unofficial fourth roommate since arriving. She had no problem taking the couch but would sometimes bunk with Kurt or Rachel and while Santana had no issue with sharing a bed with Brittany they had both avoided doing so. At first because Santana had yet to break up with Dani and then because, well, it was complicated.

Santana was waiting for Brittany to make the first move towards their reconciliation. She didn't just want to assume anything so sharing a bed had been considered complicated territory.

But here and now as Brittany stood before her asking it seemed like the most natural thing.

Santana said nothing and only moved to push her covers down slightly, a silent invitation for Brittany to press forward which she did, crawling up onto the bed with her.

''Is everything okay?'' she asked as Brittany curled into her side.

''No-yeah. Everything's fine. Kurt's asleep. Rachel's on the roof again.''

''Is she alright?''

Rachel spending time on the roof had became a common thing. Sometimes she said she just needed to be close to Finn so she would take a lamp, blanket and book out there, other times she would be out there running lines from an audition script or even practicing dance moves for her NYADA classes. Usually it was a comforting thing but on the rare occasion Rachel would have a weeping fit though thankfully those were becoming fewer and fewer as the days and weeks went on.

''She's fine. I was up there with her for bit watching her watch the star. It got me to thinking about how dumb all of this is.''

''What?''

''It feels like you and I have been in some endless loop of either me waiting for you or you waiting for me and...and I'm so done with it."

Santana wasn't sure how she was supposed to take that. ''Oh.''

"What I'm trying to say is it would be awesome but I really don't need stars to align for me to feel right about this. For me to feel right about you.'' Brittany reached out and placed her hand to Santana's chest, right over her heart. ''Us.''

Santana turned her body so they could face each other. ''Us?''

''I want to be an us again and I've tried to be good and patient but each time I go up on that roof with you or Kurt or Rachel and I think about that star somewhere up there...all I can think is I don't want to wait. Because tomorrow isn't promised and we just don't know and I don't want to spend another day or night not being yours.''

''Really?''

''Of course really. You're here…'' Brittany pressed on Santana's heart. ''And so am I. That's as good as any reason to begin.''

Santana moved her hand to rest on top of Brittany's chest, she too wanted to feel the heartbeat underneath. Except it didn't feel close enough she realized as her fingertips met with fabric. Not nearly close enough. Before she knew it she was inching her hand down to pull at the bottom of Brittany's shirt. She slid it off without protest and from there her hands wandered down underneath the elastic of Brittany's pajama bottoms. Brittany shuttered as Santana slowly at them until she helped by kicking them off under the blankets.

''You're wearing too much,'' Brittany whispered, sliding her own hands over to help Santana undress, pushing her shirt up from the bottom. ''I need more.''

And for the rest of the night Santana gave her more. In fact Santana didn't just give her more, she gave her everything.

She gave Brittany every part of her with every fiber of her being. Just like it was said, tomorrow wasn't promised, to any of them, and from that night forward Santana made a silent vow to herself to make love to Brittany each and every time as if it were the last time. Because who knew when it just might be.

She didn't know when it would be their time to fade away. All she knew was that she was going to make the most of their time while they were both still here.

Yes this she would do for the rest of her days.

And later as they laid together afterwards Santana would find herself stroking Brittany's bare sides, marvelling at the smoothness, and like she had so many nights before she would trace the freckles there, connecting the dots and drawing lines.

This here on Brittany's skin would always be her favorite constellation.

X

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Okay dudes, I cranked this out in about four sittings so I apologize for any sloppy bits.

This fic was inspired by two things. The first being a photo set of Rachel and Santana talking about their psychic inclinations. Obviously more was made with Santana with all of her psychic mexican third eye jokes, but I do feel as though her character is intuitive and would be open in that way. I also think that grief does something to you and when you're so consumed by it you can become desperate for answers and search for them even in things you didn't previously believe in, so in that way I can see someone in Rachel's position being in so much pain she'd be willing to listen to anything for even just a sliver of resolution.

The second thing that inspired this fic was the song Signs by Bloc Party. I always thought it would've been a very interesting and beautiful cover for Rachel to sing after Finn's passing. I don't make reference to the song in the story but to me, it was the soundtrack playing in my head when I needed to construct scenes for this.

Finally, it would mean a great deal to me if you could leave me your thoughts. I usually write things very much in the comedy vein and this is vastly different from anything I've ever put out. It just kept itching at my brain though so I had to give it a shot.

Oh and one more thing, I think it's pretty obvious who the medium was referring to when she spoke of two prominent women in Rachel's life. Give me your thoughts on that. I didn't want to spell it out too much in the story, I wanted to leave that bit unspoken because I felt you as readers would instantly know.

Anyways. Thanks for reading and giving this a go :)