I'm back! This time with a two-shot;) Okay, so I've had this idea for a while (pretty much right after the Platt x Burgess scene in 1x13) but couldn't really figure out where I wanted it to go. I finally finished the chapter tonight, and while I'm not completely happy with it, I think it's decent.

Since I started it after 1x13, I've continued with the premise that Adam is still engaged to Wendy. (Not a major aspect to the plot of this fic, but I didn't want to confuse anyone haha)

The full lyric for the title of this fic is 'If you asked me how I'm doing, I would say I'm doing just fine. I would lie and say that you're not on my mind.' from the Gavin Degraw song, Not Over You. Check it out if you don't already know it, it's one of my faves!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Hope you enjoy!

She looked happy. Dimples popping and eyes bright, Erin Lindsay looked genuinely happy. And he was breaking.

"You've gotta stop torturing yourself like this." He didn't even notice Burgess grab a stool next to him, much less hear her hushed voice in his ear. Awakened from his revery, Jay turned his attention to the side and furrowed his brow at Kim's words.

"What are you talking about?" While he brought the rim of his beer up to take a long swig, he watched Burgess' eyes swivel from his, to across the bar to his partner. Laughing animatedly with her hand resting comfortable on Severide's arm, Erin looked happy. And yet Jay couldn't help but consider how she looked when it was just the two of them; when Voight left the room, or when they were driving to a scene, and she knocked down her walls just long enough for him to get a glimpse of her world.

"You know what I'm talking about." Kim said confidently, nudging his arm softly. "You've gotta stop coming here when you know they're here together. You're just torturing yourself." Jay fingered the glass of his beer before turning his attention back to Kim. He wasn't best friends with the Police Officer, but he'd spent enough time with her to know she was about as fine as he was.

"What about you?" Jay asked it with a light tone, but his eyes were sad. He didn't have to avert his gaze anywhere in the bar; they could both hear the overbearing laughter of Ruzek from across the busy room. It was no secret that something went down with Adam and Kim, but it wasn't until the long nights Jay saw her sitting there watching him with a wholly saddened look that he realised the extent to which it went to. He couldn't even imagine the knot in her stomach when Ruzek gave her their Save The Dates.

In that very second, Jay wondered how and when it got to this. How he got the point of becoming the lonely guy at the back of the bar, watching and waiting on something that was never going to happen. He just found it painful it took him so long to realise.

"Want some advice?" Truthfully, Jay wanted to get so drunk that he didn't wince every time Erin moved an inch closer to her boyfriend. But he was listening anyway. "Go to the bathroom, splash some cold water on your face, and tell yourself three times that she was never yours to begin with."

He did it. Burgess' cliché, romanticised advice actually worked too, and Jay found himself looking at his broken reflection in the bathroom mirror with hollowed eyes and a heavy heart. She was never his to begin with. And it was ridiculous to think she was.

He threw another splash of water on his face for good measure then left the bathroom, almost gliding across the bar and heaving the doors open until he was faced with the bitter Chicago wind. With his hands tucked tight into the pockets of his leather jacket, Jay breathed in the thick air, his lungs burning at the cold. There was a buzz to the crowded street, and Halstead gained the impression that the gusty wind could blow him away and he could have left this world without a trace.

"You leavin' already?" He paused for a second, then turned around once the words settled in his head. Erin stood with her arms folded over her chest and he immediately saw her begin to shiver. "Kelly's getting the next round." She added, as though it was enough to make him stay. If only she knew what was enough to make him stay.

His mouth opened slightly and he found his throat sore and hoarse, at a loss for words. A taxi honked behind him as it passed and trees began billowing in the distance. He realised several seconds passed without him responding, and tried desperately to string a sentence together.

"No, I..." He was too wrapped up in his clouded mind that he barely noticed her move closer, slowly rubbing her biceps attempting to generate some heat. "I should be getting home."

"You okay?"

He replied instantly, an absent-minded "Yeah" escaping his lips as he breathed out the cold air. Jay wondered if 'okay' constituted feeling a genuine sickness when he watched his partner with someone else.

If you asked me how I'm doing, I would say I'm doing just fine. I would lie and say that you're not on my mind.

She nodded softly, but looked at him like she didn't quite believe it. She always looked at him like that; like his whole exterior was powerless to her vision, like she could see right to his core. He willed his eyes to look away, but instead he found himself looking at her harder than ever before. He counted her eyelashes and memorised the depth of her dimples. He fought the urge to push the hair caught by the wind behind her ear.

She was never yours to begin with. She was never yours to begin with. She was never yours to begin with. He replayed the words in his head like a mantra, repeating the syllables so monotonously that they lost all meaning. She was never yours to begin with. Oh, but how he wished she was.

"I was an idiot." The shrill wind carried Jay's words the second they were blurted from his lips. He felt the blood pumping in his ears, and his gulp was amplified through every pore in his body.

"I'm not denying it, but you wanna give me some specifics?" The lopsided smile she flashed him as she stepped an inch closer told him she was oblivious to his thoughts, and he knew that this is his chance to back out of it; to delete the words forming in his head and backspace to a simpler time. A time when he didn't find himself breaking at the sight of her with the fireman from across the bar.

Instead, he silenced the fearful thoughts buzzing round his head and breathed. Because he was scared of what could happen, but he was terrified of what might not.

"For walking away... was an idiot." Her grin slowly faded as he continued. "And now you're with the fireman, and that's great, that's... Honestly, I'm happy for you... It's just..." As he licked his lips he wondered where all this courage was two months ago. "I don't wanna keep it professional." In that moment, everything around them went quiet.

"What are you talking about?" Erin's eyes were wide with disbelief, and her dry lips parted, wanting desperately for him to take it back. Jay found her question redundant, considering his last statement made everything pretty obvious. For both of them. Her eyes burned at the contact with his, and he took note of how bright hers were shining.

"I'm late, I know..." Jay felt his fingers tremble at his sides. He told himself it was due to the cold. "I just thought you should know."

He relinquished a sad smile and turned his body with the aid of the fierce wind, nothing but Burgess' 'she was never yours to begin with' swirling through his head as he strode down the street, all before Erin found the power to breathe again.

It's not amazing, I know. I'm just dealing with Lindstead withdrawal (already, yes) and wanted some kind of Jay declaration.

I'll try and get the second and final chapter up and finished as soon as I can.

Please leave a review and tell me what you thought:)