Title: Secret Diaries [1/?]
Author: Anya al'Nighter
Email: anyasy@singnet.com.sg
Rating: PG-13 with innuendoes.
Spoilers: Before Homeland.
Summary: Secret Diaries of FR Dark Elven-related personalities. Mwahaha. Warning: Very, very bad humor.
Disclaimer: Zaknafein, Menzoberranzan, Jarlaxle and most associated characters and places belong to TSR and Salvatore, the Forgotten Realms, Wizards of the Coast.
Author's Note: Due to the sudden rash of Lord of the Rings Secret Diaries out there (of which I like Anavrin's one most… the Live Journal one…), I have been sub-inspired into doing FR ones. It's quite possible that this has already been done before, but what the heck. This is set somewhere before Homeland so I don't have to do Drizzt.
Warning: Implied slash. It's a Secret Diary thing. Slash means, for those of you who don't know, homosexual stories. If this sort of thing offends you, don't read.
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Diary 1:
Secret Journal of Zaknafein's Left Sword:
Day 1,102,675
Am growing bored. Never used to do anything new – just slashing and stabbing, more often than not nowadays, ever since Owner keeps sneaking out of House to have fun. I need variety. But not too much. Am a sword – swords like to destroy. All the only-kill-the-righteous or vice versa swords are pansies.
Owner PMS-ing ever since Malice decided that pink socks look great as part of Do'Urden uniform.
May be getting blunter than Right Sword, damn it all. Wish he'd stop fighting students wearing armor.
Bored.
Bored.
Bored.
Day 1,102,679
Owner still PMS-ing – despite best efforts regarding dirt and paint and boot polish, socks as pink as ever. Suspect magic – socks can't even tear, and the stupid thing blunted my tip. Right Sword said that males don't PMS. I'd like to see Mr. I-know-everything-and-you-don't explain why the attrition rate for Melee-Magthere sword-students under his tutelage has been six dead out of ten at this point in time, then!
Am definitely bored now. Wish Owner would do something new, like tap-dance or something – anything other than bitch about socks and fight students.
Right Sword annoying.
Day 1,102,685
Right Sword carping about how Owner uses it more than me in that nasal self-righteous tone which just makes you want to smash its hilt into little pieces and melt it into the damn blade. Pointed out that Owner is ambidextrous. Idiot Right Sword, didn't know what 'ambidextrous' meant, and went on preening.
Ha! Right Sword just got notched on a student's skull during a hair-turn spin! Happy now. The world is fair.
Annoyed again. Right Sword can't stop whining. Beginning to resemble Owner – Owner muttering darkly about pink, for the three-hundredth-and-twelfth time since pink-socks decree.
Day 1,102,691
Owner reconciled now, after striking a 'bargain' with Matron Malice. Turned out all the Matron wanted from him was a massage, sans clothes. Dark elves have a very strange trading system.
No more pink socks – at least for him. Good, maybe some peace now.
Nalfein Do'Urden's turn to PMS. Have you seen a powerful mage PMS before? Not a pretty sight. Little monsters, strange smells, hallucinations and lightning bolts start manifesting all over, often in the strangest places, e.g. the scabbard of Yours Truly. Hate mages. Owner now sleeping over in Melee-Magthere, not that it'd help if Nalfein were really pissed.
Right Sword repaired, keeps boasting that the ex-notched area is a, quote, 'badge of honour', unquote. Wondering how much slag got mixed into it when it was forged. It is so full of iblith.
Day 1,102,692
Extremely strange developments. Am traumatised.
Day 1,102.694
Am nearly recovered.
Yesterday, Nalfein finally located Owner's room after Owner switched around several times. Started off promising as both sides spoiling for a fight.
Owner spoiled momentum of insults by suddenly laughing at the socks. Thought Nalfein would explode and take the Academy with it, but suddenly laughed too – mages so unstable.
Didn't know pink turned the minds of drow to those sort of thoughts. Horrified at their… 'inventiveness'. Am surprised Nalfein didn't scream the roof of Melee-Magthere down, the way they were carrying on.
Wonder if this counts as incest. Probably not – but good thing about it – Right Sword also traumatised by experience, and has shut up.
Day 1,102,695
By the love of all weaponry, please stop! Have been a sword for a long time, but really, dark elves continuously surprise me.
However, Nalfein has stopped PMS-ing. Malice's turn now, as Owner has stopped paying her attentions. Suspect that she is hatching one of her vindictive plans – nothing new about that. Wonder if this time it'd involve leather, chains, or both.
Right Sword seems more decent now. Mostly because Right Sword has yet to say something. Ha, ha.
Perhaps Right Sword has been traumatised beyond repair. Am wondering why Right Sword keeps glowing with a faint red line to its edge now. Rust, I hope, or some equally devastating slow disease.
Day 1,102,701
Right Sword now talking oddly. Clearly insane. Am pitying it in a way – if it's lost its reserve to the extent that it tries to speak to Owner, Owner will immediately destroy it. Owner hates magic, or professes to anyway. Don't hear Owner complaining about the magic Nalfein uses when they're doing unspeakable things together.
Gah.
Just saw Dinin sneaking around outside, making as much noise as a riding lizard with a broken leg, but of course, Owner and Nalfein can't hear anything. Is this entire House perverted out of their tiny minds?
Day 1,102,708
Terrible news! Am developing rust! Owner has been too distracted of late. Somebody help me!
On the other hand, Right Sword has disappeared. Owner hasn't even noticed.
Perhaps if I tilt a certain way rust won't be seen… ah hell, who am I kidding.
Day 1,102,713
Heard that Right Sword has found its way to Dantrag Baenre. Stupid Baenre didn't think of questioning why Right Sword looked remarkably familiar.
Apparently Right Sword now calling itself 'Cutter'. What a pansy name. Makes it sound like a penknife.
Owner finally found out Right Sword is missing. PMS-ing again. My turn to be notched…
Day 1,102,714
New gift of sword left outside Owner's door, Melee-Magthere. Pretty new Right Sword – decent chap so far, too. Looking forward to a great comradeship. We even agree that the colour co-ordination of Owner's Melee-Magthere room is so off. Azure and slate-grey do not go together.
Day 1,102,720
Interesting development – Nalfein just broke up with Owner, accusing Owner of seeing others on the side. Cited new Right Sword as example. Like all mages, got carried away with rhetoric, made a suitably histrionic and dramatic retreat, and disappeared.
Owner frustrated, and now annoyed. Now taking to lurking around dark alleys and waylaying people with no particular reason. Wonder if Matron Malice knows about this.
Day 1,102,726
Owner just found out who gave him new Right Sword – a dark elf with even less colour sense than he does. Purple hat with feathers, lots of ugly trinkets, horrible clashing cloak, tight pants, boots, jerkin. Looks like an absolute fag.
Day 1,102,727
To my annoyance, am absolutely right about that guess. The colour-blind fag, Jarlaxle, is even kinkier than Nalfein, to my astonishment and mortification. Perhaps if one manages to roll deep enough under Owner's bed one can avoid being seen and used…
Found new Right Sword there – great minds think alike, and all that. Both recounting all the pansiest Sword Names we have ever heard of on the Network. Tie is between a Surface scimitar we'd heard of, name of 'Twinkle', and 'Cutter'.
Going to be a hard decision.
What kind of a sick mind calls a sword 'Twinkle'?
Day 1,102,730
Just spent instructive hour talking to Jarlaxle's hat with new Right Sword. Another decent chap, despite its owner, though distinctly insecure. Kept asking if it was bothering us. Am wondering if this is some innate tendency of hats. Maybe all that altitude gets to them.
Have to stop for a moment. Matron Malice, alarmed at all the… attention her weapon master and patron is getting, has ordered said weapon master and patron to go on a mission in the Underdark.
Malice didn't say anything about him having to go alone.
Just saw a flash of purple to the right…