Title: Your Girl
Characters: Angela and Edward
Rating: M
Word Count: 3490
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters, nor do I make money off of this. Story alludes briefly to self-harm/cutting and suicidal thoughts, no graphic content.
Summary: Memories play tricks and perspective changes over time. She didn't think she could live through losing him, but she was wrong about a lot of things. AH/OOC. Entry for the Love Lost Anonymous Contest.
~Your Girl~
Angela's Ashes
May 11th
Edward… you don't know shit.
You said you knew I would be okay, but I'm not okay. I'm not anything that even looks like okay. I'm barely breathing. I can't believe you haven't called yet. It's been three weeks. You and I don't do three weeks. We don't do three days. Don't you remember how we work? You fuck up, you hurt me, you come crawling back and I forgive you. That's our dance. Why aren't you dancing with me now? Why aren't we dancing like we used to?
Did you know I stayed there all night? In that stupid studio where the brick looks like it might crumble and give way and bury everything inside if a stiff wind picks up. I wish it had exploded all around me, but there was no breeze, just cold, dead, still air. So I sat there in nothing but my boots… those stupid fucking boots you bought me. They are fucking whore boots, Edward. Is that how you thought of me? Was I just your whore? Do you know that they are the most uncomfortable boots in the world? Do you care?
I doubt it.
I showed up and stripped down and waited for you. I wanted you to fuck me hard with my boots on like that time in Seattle. You acted like I was there to hurt you. You did your broken little boy face and you ran your hands through your stupid fucking sex hair and told me we were over.
Like over was your decision.
You cried your big fat crocodile tears and told me you couldn't do it anymore, that you didn't want everything to be so hard. I expected more of you, but I guess I shouldn't have. You've always been a spoiled little rich boy and it's made you weak. And selfish. You handed me that sweater that wasn't mine and you said you were sorry and that you missed us already and that love wasn't always enough and that you wished it ended differently. You were supposed to wish it didn't end at all. You used all the pretty words your momma taught you to make it seem like you cared and then you walked out.
I sat and I waited in my boots and someone else's sweater, chain smoking on the window ledge until the sun came up. You were supposed to come to your senses and turn back.
Dawn was lovely that day but you weren't there with me to appreciate it.
I'm still waiting, Edward. I'm right here - just come back. You have to come back.
I'm your girl. Remember?
May 14th
Forget everything I wrote the other day. You don't get to know all that stuff about me. None of this is yours anymore. You don't fucking deserve it.
I am not your fucking girl.
June 20th
I've sat down every day for the last four weeks to write but I can't talk to you without begging you to come home and I don't want to plead with you over something you should be doing on your own. I want you to come home because you realize how good we are together, baby. You know we are made for each other, why do you fight it?
It's your birthday. You're 25 today.
I want to throw you a party with all of our friends or maybe just cook dinner for the two of us and make love all night.
You won't answer my calls.
Do you know what else today is or did you forget everything about us already? Today is the day we met. Two years ago. Jesus, you were such a baby, partying with your frat brothers at that bar! I still can't believe I took you home with me. You seemed…different. But you aren't, are you? You are just like every other asshole.
Edward, please fix this. I miss you so much. It fucking hurts not having you here. I've been sitting in my living room for three days. I feel like if I move, if I leave the apartment, you'll show up and think that I've moved on.
I haven't.
Whenever you're ready, I'm here. I didn't give up on us even though I should have. That's what love is, Edward. It's sticking it out when things are hard. I'm not quitting. I'm strong enough for both of us.
I'm not your girl right now, but all you have to do is ask and I will be.
Happy Birthday, baby.
July 8th
I'm still your girl. You never have to ask.
Do you remember the last time we made love? I do. It was a Wednesday. I knew you were tired and that you wanted to sleep, but I also knew how to get you going. Was that what I did wrong? Should I have let you sleep?
You know what the worst part of it is? When you are fucking and you don't know it's the last time so you don't really take a moment to soak it all in. If I had known that was going to be the last time that we fucked, I would have made it more unforgettable for you. I would have memorized every touch.
I hope you are sitting in your house thinking about how hot we burned right now. And I hope it hurts.
I hurt. All the time, Edward. It's been months and it's not getting better. I sleep on your side of the bed now, but when you come back I'll move over. I wear your shirt, the blue one, a lot. At first your pillow smelled like you but then the smell faded so I burned it. I can't keep your things forever, you know. You need to come get them.
And we can talk.
If you'll just fucking say you're sorry, I'll forgive you for breaking us.
July 15th
I quit smoking. I know how much you always hated it. So now when you come home and kiss me, I won't taste like an ashtray. I stopped drinking coffee, too. I can't go to our Starbucks anymore. They will give me the usual and then I will be stuck with your stupid Soy Latte. Why do you order soy anyway? You're not fucking vegan and you're not fucking allergic. I think you do it just to be difficult. That sounds like you.
It's getting warm. I need to make plans for the summer, Edward. Are we going to your parents place again this year? Are Alice and Jazz going? I miss her. She is my best friend and it's been months and I can't pick up the phone when she calls. Did you know she calls? Your sister calls me and you don't.
I know you think I am deluded. You think I am this crazy girl that can't let go but it's not true. Some days I know that you aren't ever coming back. But those days are the ones I can barely get through.
The ones where I know it's just a matter of time…those are easier to bear.
I don't know anymore which ones are real.
July 21st
I wonder if you are reading this. Some part of me knows you aren't. I could email you but you never check it. Or maybe you changed your email address when you changed your phone number. I know I was calling a lot, but I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.
I'm always thinking of you. Always. Like there is no room in my head for anything else. Everything reminds me of you. I hate it.
I want to forget you. I want to make it go away so that I can stop crying every time I make scrambled eggs or fold my t-shirts in that way you told me was wrong. I fold in half then corner the sleeves down and then fold again. You said both sleeves go to the back and then you fold in half. I was right, you know? But I still do it your way so that when you come home, they'll be right.
You aren't coming home, are you?
August 4th
I went to the art museum you used to take me to today. I was staring at the Degas, the one you love. I couldn't stop crying. The guy you know, that one that works there… he remembered me. He said "Hey, you're Edward's girl, right?" Like I don't have a name. I told him yes because if I said no I would have fallen apart. I hate there are places we were an us and I can't ever be a me. I want to be me without you. I'm not. I don't know how. I don't know who I am if I'm not your girl.
I don't exist without you in the room.
I'm still crying and I can't stop and I need you to come here and hold me and stroke my hair like you always did when I got like this. I fucking need you, goddamn it!
I need you. I miss you every minute. I love you. So much. How can you say that isn't enough?
It's all I have.
August 8th
I FUCKING HATE YOU, EDWARD! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BROUGHT SOME OTHER GIRL TO OUR FUCKING STARBUCKS!
I walked by and was thinking about going in when I saw you there. With her. You had your hand on her back. It doesn't go there, Edward. Your hand belongs on my back.
She looks like a mouse. She's going to break so hard when you fuck her around the way you did with me. Good.
I boxed up all your shit and it's by the door. I put my boots in there too. Maybe your new whore will like them. I hope they cause her as much pain as they did me. I'll drop it at your studio.
Don't call. Don't come by. We are done.
I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING GIRL ANYMORE.
August 9th
I wonder if it would hurt. If I pushed down hard and into my flesh instead of just making shallow cuts. I wonder what it would feel like to die. It has to feel better than living without you. Nothing in the world can hurt as much as you not loving me except for me not loving you. I'm almost there.
It wouldn't matter anymore if I'm your girl.
September 16th
Reading the last entry is painful, but it's a necessary reminder. I've wanted to sit down and talk to you like this for weeks, but I didn't know what to say. I know you aren't reading but I still need to talk to you. Kate says that it's good, keeping this journal. She says sometimes it's not about you hearing me; it's just about me saying things. So I saved up little things from the last few weeks to give you when I was ready.
The sofa in the day room at the hospital was the same green as your eyes, somewhere between spring grass and moss. I sat on it every day. I miss your eyes.
I didn't try to kill myself, but I thought about it. I don't want you to know that, but I have to say it. It wasn't your fault, even though sometimes I still blame you. I was lost before we started and I used you to help me stay lost. I don't want to be lost anymore.
I don't drink anymore. I've been sober for 35 days. I know it doesn't seem like a lot to you, but it's a really big deal. It's hard, harder than I ever imagined it would be, but I can do it. I lived through the end of us; I think that means I can make it through anything. I poured out all the booze in the house. Some of it was yours, but I don't think you'll care. You weren't coming back for it anyway. I know that now.
I never did drop off the box of your stuff. It's still by the door. I don't think you want it anymore. Maybe it's too painful for you to have it around. It hurts me to have it here, but I am not quite ready to give it up yet.
I walked by the shoe store the other day. You know the one between the florist and the deli? I remembered something. That is where you got my boots. I saw them there one day and I told you about them and then you got them. I had forgotten that.
Some days I wish I never met you, so I wouldn't have had to go through losing you. Other days I think I never would have lasted as long as I did without you holding me up.
I still hate you for not coming back that night. It's not fair, but it's true.
I still love you, too. I don't know how to stop. It's almost easier to love you without you here. Except that you aren't here.
I still think of myself as your girl…but I'm working on that.
November 3rd
I met someone. It's too soon but we are taking things slowly. It's not like you and me. I remember that we left the bar that night and went back to my apartment. We fucked until dawn and talked about true love over coffee while the sun came up. I think we meant it. I mean, I meant it. Did you? Or was it just something to say? I guess it doesn't matter now. It wouldn't change how things ended up, except that if we hadn't started so high we wouldn't have had so far to fall.
I think the fall hurt you, too. I don't have any proof of that, and I try not to put faith in things that I don't know are true anymore, but some part of me knows that you were in as much pain as I was. I take comfort in that. Not because I want you to hurt, but because if you loved me even half as much as I loved you, it would have hurt like hell.
And I do believe you loved me.
Maybe with Emmett I'm protecting myself. We're friends. I can't be more than that, not yet. He and I don't burn. I think that's a good thing. Maybe it's a bad thing too. I don't know.
He loves me. The right way.
He knows about you. I don't keep secrets anymore, or I try not to. I kept so much a secret from you. The cutting, the drinking. But you knew anyway, didn't you? How did you become that person that knew me so deep that I couldn't hide from you?
You were the rebound guy. That's one secret you never knew. I'd only been single a couple weeks when I met you. I was looking to fill an empty spot and you fit. Then you filled me all the way up until I didn't have to feel me anymore. And that felt good. I hated myself. Ben, the guy before you…he was not a good man. You are a good man, Edward. It doesn't mean I'm not still angry, but you did the right thing, I think.
I can't talk about being your girl anymore. I know I'm not and there is still some part of me that wants to be. I wonder if I will always love you like this. I wonder if I'll always love you at all.
December 23rd
Today I woke up and I hated you again.
It was such an unfamiliar feeling but it was fleeting. I had to work to hold on to it and then I wondered why I was trying to hate you and I just let it go.
I wondered about her today, your girl from the coffee shop. I wonder if she was your girlfriend, or if it was just a date or maybe she was only a friend. Anyway, I thought about her today. If she was your girlfriend are you still together? Or was it too hard to make it work with anyone after me? Will she be going to your parent's house for Christmas Eve tomorrow? Is she Alice's new best friend? Does she joke around with Jasper and help out your mother in the kitchen? Or is she already gone from your life?
I miss your family, Edward. They were like my family, too. You were like my family. I think that was the hardest part to get past.
I'm still with Emmett. I don't know yet what it will be, but I love him. I wonder if it would hurt you to know that I love someone else now. I hope not. We've hurt each other enough.
Happy Holidays, Edward.
February 19th
I wore my boots the other day. They went really well with this dress I bought so I just put them on without thinking. They didn't hurt the way I remembered.
I got rid of them anyway. They belong to someone else. I'm not that girl anymore.
March 26th
It's been a year.
It feels like it's been forever since we ended.
And it feels like it was just yesterday that I was your girl.
June 30th
I saw the announcement in the paper about your engagement to Isabella. She looks lovely and you look content. I hope life is good to you both.
If I'm being honest, I cried when I saw it, all that morning. It hurt so much to know that someone else was going to be everything I once dreamed of being. I wanted to call you and scream at you, I wanted to throw things; I wanted to run to the liquor store and drink until I stopped caring. I didn't though. I let myself live in that space for a minute and then I pulled myself out.
I can do that now. I'm stronger than I used to be.
I am glad for you, though. You deserve good things in life. We all do. I want you to get everything you ever needed.
Isn't this how it was always supposed to be? Us wanting the best for each other, even if that 'best' wasn't us. I think so.
I'm better now. Sometimes I want to run into you so you can see how well I'm doing. But then I think the reality of seeing you might be harder than I imagine it to be. It will happen someday, I'm sure. I'll be in line at Barnes & Noble or crossing the street and you'll just be there. You'll be the same, with your soft smile and your crazy hair. I'll be different, but you'll still see shades of who I was. I bet you will have your sad eyes. You'll touch my hand and that spark will still be there, because it always was. We'll say our 'hellos' and our 'it's been too longs' and our 'I hope you're wells'. And then we'll go our separate ways again. I will cry that night, but not for a long time. Just for a minute.
Emmett and I moved in together. He asked me once why you and I never did. I told him I didn't know. I remember we talked about it, but it never happened. We talked about a lot of things that never happened, didn't we? Emmett says that he likes that there is something that I am doing with him that I've never done with anyone. When you've lived a life like mine, you don't have a lot of firsts left. I am glad I could give him one.
I'm not going to write anymore, not here anyway. I think I've said almost everything I needed to say. I told you all of it here, Edward. The stuff that I never would have been able to say if I thought you could hear it. I just have a few last words before I go.
Thank you for not coming back. I would never have left on my own. In some ways, you saved me. If I know you, and I do, you are still beating yourself up for not checking to see if I was okay. I'm okay, Edward.
I'm sorry for all the damage I did to us. I wasn't alone, you did your fair share, but I'm sorry for my part.
I loved you, you should know that. It wasn't always pretty or good, but it was real.
You will always have a part of me, and I will ever keep part of you as mine.
I wish I'd met you later. I wish I could meet you now. I wish that things had worked out in a way that we'd be each other's forever. You're not mine anymore and I'm not yours. But Edward…
I'll always be your girl.