So I was quite in a dark place just sitting alone in my room at night, and to make things better I decided to listen to all the sad and depressing songs on my computer. Then Hurt by Johnny Cash started playing and somehow this came to my mind while listening to it. It's not a literal interpretation of the song just the feelings of pain and hurt it evokes.

I don't own House md

Empty

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

During the day she smiles, she's nice to her coworkers and caring towards her patients, to everyone around her she's the epitome of pleasantry, always with that trademark smile.

Until she gets home.

Once in the safety of her apartment she sheds the mask she wears all day every day. The smile vanishes and her eyes lose their shine, she doesn't have to pretend anymore. Her apartment is her refuge, her safe place but it's not home, not even close.

At first she thought it was because of all the novelty of the situation but months have passed and no matter how comfortable she tries to make it still lacks the much needed feeling of home. It feels empty just like her.

When she left Princeton she didn't just left her husband, she also left her beloved job, her friends, him. She left home. She left her life behind. Her soul. Her heart.

She's alone.

Cameron takes off her shoes and heads for the kitchen, there she takes from the fridge a frozen lasagna and puts it the microwave. She doesn't cook anymore, it's not worth it. As she waits for the fast meal to get ready she opens a bottle of red wine and pours a generous amount into a glass. The microwave bip sounds and she takes the lasagna to the living room not bothering to put it into a plate. She stares at the food for a while, she knows she needs to eat a proper meal after her grueling day but the lump in her throat prevents her from doing so. With a sigh she puts the offended meal down on the coffee table and drinks her wine on an empty stomach.

She decides to take a shower, maybe it will help. Deep down she knows it won't but she has to try right? The water may wash her body but it won't wash way her thoughts of him, her feelings for him. Not that she wants that anyway, they're all she has right now, they're all that prevents her from completely breaking down. Even if having them hurts, it's better to feel pain than to feel nothing at all.

In the bathroom she sheds her clothes that pool on the floor and looks in the mirror watching her reflection. She doesn't recognize herself. When did she become this person? She's thinner and there are dark bags under her eyes… her eyes… they're dull and almost devoid of emotion. She can't look anymore and turns her head away closing her eyes. She looks like a ghost of the person she once was.

She steps into the shower turning the water as hot as she can tolerate in a vain attempt to warm her cold body, to warm her heart. She cries. The tears mix with the water yet she can still taste their saltiness in her lips. This is where she allows herself to breakdown, just a little. More and she's gone. And she refuses to be that weak. For now at least.

Leaving Princeton was supposed to be her break away to freedom, instead it was her downfall.

For once she wishes she could still be the naïve girl she was years ago, that way she could still feel hope. Hope that he would come after her somehow. But she's lost hope a long time ago and she doesn't arbor such silly thoughts anymore.

She wonders what he's doing right now, probably hanging out with Wilson or maybe in bed with Cuddy oblivious to the pain she's feeling miles away from him.

Why does she keep torturing herself letting imagines him with Cuddy flood her mind? When did she become a masochist? Did she changed that much? Did her feelings for him change her that much?

Stepping out of the shower she rolls a towel around her body, her skin is red from the hot water, just another familiar pain. Time passes yet she still loves him. The word love has a different meaning these days, it means pain. She realizes that no matter how much time passes she will never stop loving him, she belongs to him whether she wants it or not. She wants it. It's all she has. She clings to it like a child clings to his mother's arms.

Once again she stares at her image in the mirror while she brushes her damp long hair. For a moment she considers changing to a brunette again, like she used to be when she worked for him, but quickly dismisses that idea. She's a natural blond and changing her hair color is not gonna change her on the inside. It won't bring back the parts of her personality she possessed back then, nothing will.

She never thought it would be easier to move on, but not once she thought it would be this hard. In fact she's starting to believe it's impossible. She's doomed to stay in this state, frozen in time with nothing but her shattered heart as company.

Entering her bedroom she puts on some yoga pants and a sweatshirt from her college days, it's old and worn but it's the closest thing she has that makes her feel a little more comfortable when she doesn't even feel comfortable in her own skin anymore.

With a sigh she crawls in bed covering herself with the covers as much as she can leaving only her face out. She's so cold, she's almost shivering. She should have dried her hair before climbing in bed. It doesn't matter, it wouldn't have helped anyway.

She's beyond repair without him, which she finds odd considering she never really had him in the first place. Although she likes to believe she did have some sort of effect on him while she was there, no matter how brief it might have been. She knows she had. She wishes she still did.

With him she could be herself again and not this person she hates right now.

How could she be so foolish, just because she's miles away from him doesn't mean he won't be able to affect her. In fact it's the exact opposite that happens, now she's even more aware of what she doesn't have.

She wishes she could go to him and be home, because home is where he is.

She stares at the ceiling preparing herself for another sleepless night or worse… a sleep full of dreams, no, full of nightmares. What has she become?

And then the phone rings startling her.

She stares at the object for what seems like hours but are in fact just a few seconds. She picks up.

"Hello?" Even her voice sounds foreign to her.

"You're a hard woman to find!" A gruff voice fills her ears and she can't believe she's hearing it again.

"House?" She knows it's him, she would recognize his voice even if twenty years had gone by, but still she's afraid to let herself believe.

"Come home Cameron." He demands.

"This is where you belong." He states and then hangs up.

Cameron holds the phone against her ear for the longest time recalling every single word to make sure it's not her mind playing tricks on her, giving her exactly what she wants.

And then all of the sudden she's not so cold anymore, her eyes gain their usual twinkle and her heart swells not with pain but with happiness. It's a strange feeling these days, she hasn't felt that in a long time.

Minutes later she finds herself smiling and falling asleep peacefully. She knows she'll dream tonight but it won't be nightmares, no, those won't be coming tonight. The hurt will fade away.

He found her.

She's going home. She's going to him.

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

The End

I'm not sure this is any good, usually it takes some days to write more than a 1000 words but strangely I wrote this rather fast.

R&R

Thank you