Disclaimer: Don't own, didn't happen because this is AU, obviously. Though it'd be funny to see. Anyway, this story has no plot, no explanation of how and why L, Light and Ryuk live together, and certainly no regard for Ryuk's dignity. So, don't bother looking for anything beyond what is given. Just enjoy the wackiness. There is some light yaoi, but not enough, since that isn't the focus of the story. Hooray for Ryuk abuse!
The three instances are unrelated. They're just random snapshots of Ryuk getting pwned.
Summary: Sometimes, getting Ryuk to understand your ideas is like farting peas at the moon. AU. Crack. One-shot.
Farting Peas at the Moon
By Dale, CAHA
Just like any regular day in the Lawliet-Yagami household, Light was sitting at his desk in his office, writing down names in his notebook to the sound of the evening news while L dug his toes into the living room sofa as he read a heavy tome on Philosophy.
Light was listening attentively to a particularly interesting report on the decreasing crime rate, but Ryuk entered the room and shattered the calm of the brunette's environment with the flapping of his wings and the raspy creaking of his voice.
"Hey, Light…"
"Yes, Ryuk?
"Are there any apples in the house?"
"They're in the refrigerator."
The death god left the room without another word, leaving Light to himself once more. Happy to go back to watching the news, Light turned to the television set again, but his concentration had been shattered and no matter how hard he tried to concentrate on the broadcast, he couldn't tune out his surroundings. The volume of the T.V was loud enough to cancel out any other noises coming from the outside of the room, yet Light could hear Ryuk munching sloppily on an apple in the kitchen, even though the office was quite a ways from Ryuk's location. The slurping sound of Ryuk's tongue licking the apple's flesh coupled with the hacking and slashing of the death god's molars against the core of the fruit grated on Light's nerves, making him abandon his name-writing activity and sulking in his chair until the unpleasant sounds of Ryuk feeding had ceased.
That took a while.
What didn't take a while to surface however, was Light's anger. The beast bubbled to the surface and perched itself between Light's shoulder blades, tensing the muscles there and spreading to his neck. It sat there with its owner, waiting for the death god to come in and continue to ruin Light's peace and calm.
As predicted, the shinigami glided into the office once again, seeking entertainment in the shape of human company –meaning Light. The brunette did not appreciate Ryuk's idiotic musings on what happened to him earlier that day, but Light let him carry on with his insipid chatting. While Ryuk guffawed and talked incessantly, Light watched him from head to toe, examining each feature carefully. After much chatting from Ryuk's part and staring from Light's, the honey-eyed man finally spoke.
"Hey, Ryuk,"
The Shinigami's eyebrows rose in interest and acknowledged him amicably.
"What?"
Light mulled his question over and addressed the shinigami,
"Are there any drugs in the shinigami realm?"
Taken aback by the nature of the question and how it had nothing to do with whatever he had been talking about, Ryuk stuttered and furrowed his large eyebrows in blank confusion.
"Uh, no…why?"
Light took his time again to answer to Ryuk and looked him some more. The brunette scrutinized the Shinigami's hair, face, body, limbs, wings, posture. After his long pause, Light finally spoke.
"Because you look a lot like a crack baby."
Light's statement did not do much to dispel Ryuk's confusion. The death god cocked his large and bumpy head to one side at an impossible angle and his bulbous jaundiced eyes with their red pupils reflected his obliviousness to Light's jab. His black dahlia mouth was slack and gaping open, giving him the appearance of a grotesque fun house clown lost in a daydream.
Apparently, Ryuk spent a moment too long in that confused position, because Light sidestepped the shinigami and walked out of his office without saying a word.
What else could Light possibly have to say to Ryuk after that?
The brunette headed to the kitchen to make himself a soothing cup of tea, passing L and the living room on his way there. The ebony-haired man looked up from his book and smiled at Light, who in turn smiled at L and continued to walk to the kitchen.
Ryuk, who had enough common sense to know that Light was not going to clarify the statement after having walked away from the death god, decided to go ask someone who could. His quest took him to the living room. Ryuk hovered over L expectantly until the detective got fed up with having the batty-looking death god hanging right above him, blocking his reading light.
L stopped reading, but continued to stare at the page, refusing to look at the shinigami. That thing was enough of nuisance when he couldn't see it as it was when it was right next to him.
"Hey, Ryuzaki,"
"Yes, Ryuk?"
L responded in his monotone, still not looking up to make eye contact with the shinigami.
"What's a crack baby?"
The question made L stop and think for a second as it was a very random question, but he immediately chuckled and shook his head amused.
"Light has been asking you questions again, hasn't he?"
Bulbous eyes wide open and mouth agape, Ryuk cocked his head again.
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L was out of the house for the day on business with Watari, leaving Light alone in the house with not much to do. He had already done his share of name-writing for the day, he had written a research paper for his Advanced Physics class, and made lunch for himself. There was nothing to do after that and it was only just noon.
Light opted for watching television for a while until he found something else to do. However, that wasn't perhaps the greatest idea that Light could have had because the television was a powerful Ryuk magnet.
Heaven knew that thing could annoy someone to death.
Sure enough, five minutes hadn't gone by since Light had turned on the television set, and Ryuk was already gliding through a wall. The death god plopped on the couch next to Light and proceeded to hang around for the next hour laughing loudly and pointing at random stuff on the show until Light's cell phone rang.
It was L calling.
Cheerily, Light jumped from the couch and took the call, happy to talk to the detective. He was missing L a great deal and he felt happy that the other man was calling him.
"Koibito! How are you?"
Still smiling, Light left the living room to get away from Ryuk and the T.V so he could give L his undivided attention.
Ryuk cackled and continued to watch T.V on his own until Light came back with a smile plastered to his face, much like a teenage girl who has just been asked out by the boy she likes.
Humans were definitely interesting, Ryuk thought. The shinigami turned his head from the direction of the T.V set to look at Light and mock him for acting so girly. Thinking he could pull the witty card, Ryuk called on Light, disrupting the brunette's love-struck musings.
"Hey, Light"
"Yes, Ryuk?"
"You have a bad habit of talking to ugly things."
Ryuk laughed loudly again and slapped his knee. That L guy was definitely something, looking like a starved panda bear and plowing through more sugar than Gukku had lost bets to Deridovely in the past century. And that was saying something because Gukku was as much crap as a gambler as he was at being a shinigami. The detective was alright as far as freaks went, but Ryuk would always find him ugly.
Well, after having seen Light date Misa, anyone after the model was a lost cause.
Light dropped his cell phone on top of the coffee and let out a bout of hysterical laughter that shook the shinigami and bounced off the windows lighting the living room with sunlight. Ryuk was having hard time understanding why his comment would make Light laugh so much. Sure, it was witty, but it wasn't really that funny – that much he'd admit.
But from making the same mistake countless times, Ryuk knew he wouldn't get an explanation. At least for a while…and if he did, he would probably get a riddle that he wouldn't be able to decipher. All Ryuk could do was watch Light laugh his head off while he was to stare at the human.
As annoying as Ryuk was, he sure could provide a laugh from time to time at his own expense. Light continued to laugh until the muscles of his abdomen were hurting from the strain and then took a couple of deep breaths to calm down.
When Light was in control of himself again, he addressed Ryuk.
"Hey, Ryuk?"
Happy to be finally acknowledged, the shinigami stood up and floated around in a circle over where Light was sitting on the couch.
"Yeah?"
"Can Shinigami see themselves in mirrors?"
Ryuk held up a long clawed finger and hovered toward the bathroom, intent on answering Light's question. Light leaned forward and caught a glimpse of Ryuk striking poses at the mirror. He resumed his laughing and turned back to the show he had been watching a while ago, but he couldn't concentrate.
Writing some names wouldn't hurt. At least until L called to ask what they'd be having for dinner.
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It was beautiful morning to wake up to – the sun crawling through the shutters was warm and gentle, the room felt cool and fresh, and best of all, L was still in bed, lying next to Light, running a soft digit over the contours of his face. Light's morning was definitely turning out to be a good one. Maybe he could even get L horny enough for a morning romp under the sheets if he laid there looking rapable enough. It wouldn't make the morning any sunnier, but it could do wonders for his disposition.
Light grasped L's hand and rubbed his cheek against it, feeling the long digits tickle his jaw and the roughened pad of L's thumb rub the skin underneath his lower lip. The intimate touches of the detective's hand always sent small thrills down Light's spine. The brunette smiled and closed his eyes when L's lips landed on his with the softness and grace of first snow.
Light's morning had not included the sex he had been hoping for, but he had been snogged thoroughly by L and that was good enough for him. The day was just starting, and since L didn't have to go anywhere that day, Light could drag him into a room later on and have his wicked way with the detective.
L was making coffee for the both of them, so that was good too.
Both men were chatting in the kitchen, one standing up next to the coffee maker reading a book, and the other one was sitting on a chair near him. It was clear both L and Light were in good moods that morning and they hardly noticed the flapping of wings heralding the appearance of their other-worldly house guest.
"Hey, Light…"
The brunette winked at the detective and turned to look at Ryuk.
"Yes, Ryuk?"
Giving the dark-eyed detective a good once-over, the death god asked his question.
"Of all the people you could sleep with, why do you sleep with someone that looks like a junkie prostitute?"
L's eyebrows rose, but his face remained blank. On the contrary, Light's face twisted into a frown and gave the shinigami a look of hatred that would have made a mere mortal shudder and fear for its life. But the look was wasted in Ryuk, naturally.
One thing was to insult L behind his back, but it was an entirely differently thing to talk about him as if he wasn't in the room in front of Light. It bothered Light to no end, because Ryuk had no business prying into his sexual preferences, much less insulting his partner who had done nothing to deserve the rude comments.
"Same reason I socialize with someone that looks like a harlequin baby."
The venom in Light's voice was evident, but Ryuk was oblivious to the hatred in Light's answer. L, however, was endeared by Light's way of defending him, even if the brunette hadn't directly done so. It wasn't the first time that Ryuk had insulted L in front of Light and himself as if he weren't there, and he knew that Light hated that – even more so than L did. The thought that Light was willing to defend him was enough to put a tiny smile on L's face.
"Really, who?"
And Ryuk had the gall to reply to a rhetorical statement when Light was pissed. Maybe not so much 'gall' as it was a death wish, even if the shinigami was already dead on principle. He sure looked dead.
"I'm sure you'd remember him as soon as I mentioned his name…" Light mused sarcastically, rolling his eyes and banging his head against the small kitchen table he was seated at.
"Well, what's his name?"
The death god twisted his arm sickeningly over his head to touch the other side of his face and fixed Light with his ever-irritating fish-out-of-water meets-kicked-puppy look. The way Ryuk's mouth hung open like a stretched out rubber band displaying the Shinigami's jagged teeth was way too disgusting to be seen that early in the morning. And the stench of dead things and rotting apple bits coming from that open gullet was truly nauseating to the angry Japanese man.
"He's an old friend of yours…" and Light banged his head again, making the salt shaker rattle and clink against the pepper shaker at the center of the table. It was surprising that a being so dense could walk through walls. Light banged his head against the table again at that thought.
"Who?"
Light was about to bang his head into the table again, but L's hand slipped in between Light's forehead and the table, stopping the blow. Light looked up to see L's mouth stretched into a crooked grin; his eyes reflecting his gratitude regarding the defense of his honor. Light smiled back and grasped the hand cushioning his forehead. Light held L's hand in his, took a deep breath and muttered dejectedly.
"Nevermind."
Having lost interest in Light, Ryuk turned to L. With that funny face and weird habits, there was bound to be something to entertain him.
"Hey, L…Whatcha reading?"
L moved his hand to uncover the title. Ryuk brought his large head close to the book as if he couldn't read the title from afar. In the few moments it took Ryuk to read the title, L seriously debated with himself whether or not smacking Ryuk in the face with the book would make any difference.
If bullets and knives wouldn't hurt the death god, there was no point in attacking him with a book, regardless of its hard cover. What a pity.
"Hyuk, Hyuk… 'A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste'?" Ryuk gave the detective an incredulous glare and a booming cackle. Apparently, L's choice of reading material was too ridiculous for the death god's taste – not like the death god read, anyway.
"You know, Ryuk-san, sometimes I don't know whether to be glad or irked that they didn't waste one on you."
L finally spoke after having been insulted by the ugly shinigami. Both Light and L exchanged glances and laughed a secret, knowing laugh that only occurred whenever both men were thinking the same thing. Light squeezed L's hand and chuckled
"My point exactly."
Without a word, L pulled Light up from the chair and dragged him out of the kitchen, abandoning his book on the table. Light tried to stop long enough to ask L why he was being dragged away, but the dark-haired detective robbed the brunette of breath with a kiss that could only mean he was going to be deliciously molested for a long, long time.
Light blushed and followed the detective eagerly into their room.
The coffee and his morning name-writing could wait.
Ryuk was cackling rustily as he leafed through the book, but stopped laughing abruptly and whined
"…Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"
The shinigami knew his inquiry would go unanswered the moment he heard the bedroom door slam and Light moan.
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Author's Note: I got the idea for this cracktastic production after staring at Ryuk on the cover of 'How to Read' for far too long. He really does look like an overgrown crack whore with the harlequin baby syndrome. I know it's a horrible thing to make fun of, but, come on, that's what he looks like. Besides, I can't pass up the opportunity to mock Death Note characters – especially the Shinigami. Those things are useless… they should just hand over their Death Notes to Light and they guy'll get the job done in no time. As for the title of the story, I didn't know what to name it, so I went online to read witty insults to inspire myself…and there it was, the pea farting thing, which I thought was funny.
Aren't L and Light cute when they don't talk too much? I wrote the fluff for Chip to cheer her up. And because it seemed like a good idea at the time – It written in at the last moment.
And no, I do not have an obsession with farting. It's merely coincidence, and the fact that farting makes me laugh like a little kid. Chip can attest to my silliness. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading, and review! It's greatly appreciated!
-Das Dale.