Doing Chores for My Wife
Link removed his green outer vest and dabbed at his sweat with the sleeve of his emerald tunic. He looked down at all of the bushes he had pulled from the ground. There were fucking rupees everywhere. He looked up and blotted out the cruel sun with the edge of his shield. It was going to be a scorcher in Hyrule that day. God damn it.
Zelda finished cutting up onions and wiped off her glistening blade with the edge of her lacy apron. She used magic to vacuum in the other room. It was an average day for a wife to cook up a warm pot of Goron stew. She mixed the minced onions in with the brown entrails simmering in the pot. It smelled fucking great and she knew it. Her husband would be in from a long day's work pretty soon. She added some salt and smiled a royal grin.
Link threw his boomerang and tossed some bombs. His work was never going to end. He had to think up something fast. He called Navi and told the blue man to do all of his dirty "bitch work". Link then ran inside. What he didn't realize is that he had stepped in something bad: shit. He tracked it into his wife's clean home.
Zelda threw a fit when she saw all the shit on her good carpet. She frowned and made Link go wash up before dinner. By the time Link was truly clean and done with his bath, Zelda had eaten the best portions. What remained on the table was cold. He didn't even get to have a glass of red wine because Zelda had finished the whole bottle. Link frowned and chomped on his meal. He learned a lesson that day:
He who lags behind, gets not to taste the vine.
If thine break my rule, though shall learn the meal of fools,
A hasten'd task,
your lover's ask,
A penny for your thoughts,
Though rupees shine forevermore
Thine meal shall be of naught.