Warning: This fic contains some things that may offend those who are easily offended or grossed out. I'm not going to tell you what it is exactly, because that would ruin it.

Honestly, I didn't even think I would post this, but I figured, why not? It's a little strange, but I got the inspiration from late night television, so what else would you expect? This is a one-shot, but if for some reason people want this continued, I will consider it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.

I open my eyes slowly as the sunlight leaking through the blinds of my window hits my face. It's Saturday, I know this because last night was Friday night and that's why I don't see any of my school books anywhere in sight, because I didn't do any homework or studying at all.

Stretching rather lethargically, I wipe the sleep from my eyes and scoot back a little towards my best friend, who is usually my source of warmth on sleepy mornings like these.

But, wait – what's this? I feel something poking me in the lower back as I move, which is extremely strange, because there is nothing pointy that should be on my bed, especially since there wasn't anything like that on it before Sam and I went to bed last night.

Slowly, and still lazily, I turned around, covering my mouth as I yawned. Then my hand remained over my mouth as I gasped a silent 'oh my.' It appears that there is something inside of Sam's pajama pants causing a tent to form.

You see, this is strange and very 'oh my' worthy, because Sam is 100% female, and there should be no 'tents' forming in her pants, because there is nothing in there that would pitch such a structure.

So, I think that I'm just gonna have a quick look in there and see what's going on. I'm sure Sam won't mind. Heck, she might even thank me if I discover that there's a hamster or something of the like messing around in her PJ bottoms.

I stretch back the waistband of the garment carefully and deliberately, as to not have Sam wake to me peeking in where I usually wouldn't peek. Then, I crane my neck over and glance down and oh my god!

Sam has a penis!

Sam has a penis!

Sam has a penis!

Inside of the pajama bottoms, stands an at least seven inch long erect… boy part. I don't know if that's big, but it looks really big to me. And I see that Sam has decided to forgo the use of underwear, so it seems to be looking right at me!

For some reason, I can't stop staring at it. There's no hair on it, and it's not really as gross as I'd image one of these things being up close. Tempted as I am to touch it, I'm afraid of what might happen – I heard these things squirt, and I'm fully aware that they can get you pregnant.

I wonder why it's sticking up like that, because I sure as hell didn't stimulate the thing, and Sam's asleep. I'm getting nervous staring at it, so I use my index finger and try to push it back down. It springs back up, and I was afraid I might wake Sam, but she didn't even stir.

Er. Well.

Okay, maybe it's not gonna squirt at me if I just touch it. I run my finger down the length of it, slowly and it twitches a little, almost like it's alive. I giggle a little, because although I should be terribly freaked out that my female best friend has boy parts, it really doesn't seem that bad.

Deciding to become familiar with this new part of Sam, I poke at it a few times, seeing how it holds fast like a steel tower. I'm starting to wonder what it feels like, and Sam won't be up for another two hours because she went to bed late, as is usual for her on a Friday night. It feels kind of wrong to be doing all this while she's asleep, especially since she probably doesn't think I know, but it's an opportunity I'm finding hard to pass up.

Perhaps I can make it un-erect somehow, and when Sam wakes up, we'll be able to avoid the potentially awkward conversation that will ensue. This seems like a really good plan, seeing as how it's hard to sleep with this thing loose in my bed.

But, how will I be able to do it?

There's only one way to find out.

I bite my lip and slowly get off the bed and walk over to my computer. I open up my internet browser and go to the one place that never fails me: Yoohoo Answers.

Typing in 'how to get rid of an erect penis,' – which after getting many disturbing replies, I amend to 'how to get rid of an erection' – brings up a few responses, most of which say to simply masturbate.

Well, duh. I'm sixteen, not stupid. I know that masturbation is the easy way, but I don't know how to make Sam masturbate in her sleep. Plus, typing 'how to masturbate' would make me feel dirty.

Finally, I find an answer where a guy gives instructions in explicit detail on exactly what to do with the… ehem, erected appendage. From this same answer, I find out that when someone else does it for you, it's called a 'hand job.' How crude.

I commit the important steps to memory and tip toe back into my bed after closing down the internet and erasing the history, lest Sam, or worst Spencer, find what I've been looking up.

As I climb onto the bed, I pick up the small bottle of hand lotion on my bedside table and fish inside the small drawer attached to it for my box of Kleenex. Nervously, I turn over to the still deep-sleeping Sam, setting the box of tissues on the pillow beside Sam's head.

I squeeze out a small amount of lotion into my palm and rub my palm against what I'm assuming is Sam's 'shaft.' I smooth the lotion over her length, and then wrap my hand around her, realizing for the first time how firm her penis is. It feels very solid, yet at the same time, non-rigid. The thing that really gets me is how soft the skin covering it is.

Slowly, I move my hand up and down her shaft, watching as her cheeks flush slightly and her hips buck every once in a while. I get brave and pump a little faster, then pass a finger over her 'head,' causing her to let out a small whimper.

I'm kind of enjoying this, and after a little while, Sam's breath hitches, and I think she's going to ejaculate, so I hold the tissue to the top of her head and a moment later, I feel something very warm half shoot, half ooze into the tissue and I hear Sam release a very long, audible groan that causes me to shiver a little in a good way.

When I'm sure it's over, I take my hands away from her private area and examine the tissue. I guess this white junk is what semen is. Big whoop, right?

When I pull Sam's pajama pants back up, she's still kind of stiff, but if Yoohoo Answers is correct, - and it always is - it should go down shortly. I slide off of the bed to throw the tissue into the bathroom waste bin. When I get back into bed, Sam's tent is lopsided and near collapsed, which gives me a strange satisfied feeling.

I hurry in putting away the tissues and lotion so that everything is as it was before and lay down again.

This time, when I scoot up against Sam, nothing pokes me in the back and I drift back to sleep peacefully.