Nitpicks
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Harry
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"Oh. I didn't realize they had to be so wet."
--Harry Potter, on the wet and smelly state of his future school uniform.
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Hello. My name's Harry, Harry Potter. But you all knew that. After all, you're the ones who write about me constantly, and make me do and say things I never really would. Honestly. Now...where to begin? I suppose I'm probably one of the least abused characters (thankfully) although it's hard to tell sometimes. For one thing, I'll have you know that I'd never, EVER, date Ginny Weasley. As you're perfectly aware, she is the youngest and only sister of my best friend, Ron Weasley. And I wouldn't want to risk my good friendship with him for a younger girl. She's sweet and everything, but...no.
There are others who match me up with the Ravenclaw seeker, Cho Chang. I'll be honest with you. I used to like her. For at least two years, actually, which is quite a healthy length of time for a boyish crush, which is all it was. Cho was athletic, pretty, and being in Ravenclaw, we must assume she was smart. But just not my type. You can understand that, right? Good.
This next little bit is intended for all you NC-17 authors. My suggestion to you is: GO AND READ THE BOOKS! Eh-hem. Sorry. It's only that, as you all should realize, I am a healthy, sane, good little boy who would never do something as degrading as engaging in sexual intercourse with another human being (male or female) before marriage with that human being (male or female). So there.
Draco's a bloody prick. Ooh...sounds nasty when you think about that, doesn't it? Just had to get that bit out of the way, since you all knew it was coming.
That's all for now, I suppose. I've warned you, now. Watch it, people!
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"Can I see Uranus too, Lavender?"
--Ron Weasley, as said during Divination one day at Hogwarts
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I have so much to say that I'm not even going to bother with an introduction.
Lavender Brown is not my girlfriend.
Harry and I are best friends. We wouldn't let romance get in the way of our friendship, no matter who the girl is. And I don't believe in love potions, and would never slip any to anyone (as so many of you seem to think I would, for some odd reason).
Lavender Brown is not my girlfriend.
I am not constantly depressed. In fact, the majority of the time, I am a happy, lively, bubbly person. Did I just say bubbly? Uh-oh...maybe I am almost as bad as some of these stories make me!
Lavender Brown is not my girlfriend.
If you've read book four, you'll know I'm sick and tired of constantly being pushed into second placed by all my brothers and Harry. And yet, you people still come up with tons of little stories in which Harry is still the hero, and I am just the sidekick, who doesn't help him defeat You-Know-Who at all. If anything makes me depressed, that does. And whenever girls have to choose between me and Harry (which is also rather depressing), they always seem to think 'Harry's the brave and courageous one, who's constantly sweet and kind. Ron is the funny one, who's just fun to be around." I'm brave and courageous too! Really! I promise!
And Lavender Brown is not my girlfriend.
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"We could all have been killed-or worse, expelled."
--Hermione Granger, on her encounter with Fluffy, the three-headed dog.
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It is I, Hermione Granger. Note the grammar lesson involved. The correct phrase is not 'it's me', but 'it is I'. Remember that.
And while you're doing that, it'd also do well for you to remember that I am Hermione Granger (which I already stated-see above paragraph), not Slutty Whoregirl. I am not, have never been, and never will be in love with several people at the same time. And I only wish that everyone was in love with me! I rather like reading your fan fictions about me as the prize of Hogwarts. Unfortunately, as my creator, Joanne Kathleen Rowling, has announced many times, I'm a bit...plain (even with the size of my teeth reduced). Not that I'm bad-looking. But all the boys at Hogwarts are not queuing around the corners of the hallways to just catch a glimpse of me.
Draco Malfoy is my arch nemesis. Well, he's Harry's, really, but I hate him just about as much as Harry does. Subsequently, I wouldn't date him if you threatened to turn me into a toad and give me to Neville Longbottom, which you would have realized if you could put two and two together. It equals four, you know.
To everyone who's written a biography of me that includes the time spent at my Muggle school: I did so have friends. I'm not that big of a brainy dork! Their names were Twinkletoes and Pugsy, and they were an elephant and a giraffe, respectively. And two nicer creatures you couldn't find anywhere. Such good listeners! Who cares if they were stuffed?
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"I enjoy a healthy breeze round my privates, thanks."
--Okay, so Draco Malfoy didn't say that. So sue me!
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I'll have you know that I'm thoroughly disgusted with the ways in which you fan fic authors portray me, Draco I'm-not-even-gonna-tell-you-my-middle-name-because-it's-way-too-embarrassing-and-I-hate-my-parents-for-naming-me-it Malfoy. You appear to suffer from brain damage. You appear to think that I am not really as evil as I seem, but that I am merely the victim of years of parental abuse and false notions of pride pounding into my head. You're wrong.
I, Draco I'm-not-even-gonna-tell...Oh, never mind about all that. It's a bother to type, anyway. The point is, I'm really just as evil as I seem in Rowling's books. I despise Harry, Ron, Hermione, and all Gryffindors, and I have indeed started a Junior Death Eater's club, which I'm quite proud of. Dennis Creevey's vice president, you know, and a damn good one at that.
Eh-hem. I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HERMIONE WHATEVER-HER-MIDDLE-NAME-IS GRANGER! Do you understand? Read my lips! Oh, wait, you can't. Er-read these words! Not in love! Ugh! That bushy-haired brainiac? Besides, if I was in love with her I'd probably lose favor in my master, You-Know-Who's eyes. He's had a crush on her since she got to Hogwarts.
But you were right about one thing. I wasn't treated well by my parents. They refused to buy me Cheese-Its, because they're a Muggle thing. I NEED MY CHEESE-ITS! *Sob*
Whatever Harry said about me, it's not true.
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"Eurgh!"
--Lavender Brown, on her opinion of Blast-Ended Skrewts.
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Lavender: I am Lavender Brown, and I am my own person.
Parvati: And I am Parvati Patil, and I am my own person.
Lavender: I am not a complete airhead.
Parvati: My head is not a balloon.
Lavender: I'm in Gryffindor, and I'm brave, not completely twitty.
Parvati: I'm not completely twitty, I'm brave. I'm in Gryffindor.
Lavender: Divination is what we do, not who we are.
Parvati: What she said.
Lavender: We've stopped giggling, because our voices started to hurt. So you can stop putting in all the parts of your stories in which we giggle.
Parvati: Yeah. Giggling hurts, so we don't do it. Er...like drugs.
Lavender: Whatever.
Parvati: What she said.
Lavender: And yes, I do like Seamus Finnigan, so I like all the stories in which we're dating.
Parvati: And Lavender is not the boss of me. I'm not the crummy old sidekick.
Lavender: You tell them, Parvati.
Parvati: Yes, ma'am.
Lavender: Ron Weasley is not my boyfriend.
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"Grunt. Evil cackle. I'm hungry."
--I don't know when, but I'm sure they've said these things. Or grunted them, as the case may be.
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Crabbe: I am Lavender Brown, and I am my own person.
Goyle: I am Parvati Patil, and I ate-er, am my own person.
Crabbe: Haven't we done this one already?
Goyle: Huh?
Crabbe: Haven't we done this one already? It sounds oddly familiar.
Goyle: Oh well.
Crabbe: I am not gay.
Goyle: You're not?
Crabbe: No.
Goyle: Then I'm not either.
Crabbe: I most certainly do not have a crush on Goyle, and I don't have one on Draco, either.
Goyle: Naturally. You'd be killed if you did, right? I mean, the Dark Lord has a crush on Draco, and he doesn't like competition.
Crabbe: Yeah. Sure.
Goyle: I'm hungry.
Crabbe: Grunt.
Goyle: Evil cackle.
Crabbe: We are not constantly eating or tagging along Malfoy.
Goyle: Yeah, we sleep too. And snore.
Crabbe: A lot.
Goyle: Er...
Crabbe: I don't suppose there's much else to say...
Goyle: I like the Care Bears.
Crabbe: So you fan fiction authors better shape up your attitudes towards us.
Goyle: Cuz it's getting kind of old.
Crabbe: I'm hungry.
Goyle: Grunt.
Crabbe: Evil cackle.
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"Colin, I fell in!"
--Dennis Creevey, on his experience in the watery depths of the Hogwarts lake.
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Whatever Malfoy says about me, it's not true.
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A/N: I hoped you liked that, because there are at least two more on the way! They're a lot of fun to write. Hehe. In the future, expect to hear from:
Voldemort
Dumbledore
McGonagall
Snape
Hagrid
Neville
Colin Creevey
Sirius
Lucius Malfoy
The Bloody Baron
Fred and George
and other people, too. If you have any suggestions as to who you'd like to see nitpicking, tell me, and I'd be happy to write them in!