BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WONDER.
Written by - Eihbinn Eonach (formerly known as MedievalMaiden) and Phantom SolidSnake Jahazi
Continued/Edited by PSSJ
-----------------
[Enter Kristen and Samantha]
MM: Warning. This is going to be very stupid simply because it was written by two sleep deprived girls. Yes, PSSJ is a girl as far as we know.
PSSJ (looking into her pants): Last time I checked.
MM (eye roll/sarcasm): Indeed.
PSSJ (gasping): You said indeed?!
MM (peering): .Indeed.
PSSJ: RAH! (pulls out a wand with a pom-pom taped to the tip and begins to throw invisible dog treats) AND YOU SAID IT SARCASTICLY!!
MM (frightened/backing up): Did. I offend you?
PSSJ: ONLY I CAN DO THAT! (begins to beat her with the wand saying "SLICK MOVE!" over and over again.)
MM (running away): AAAAHHHHH!!! (trips and falls)
PSSJ (cackling): MY WORD!
MM (whimpering): SORRY! SORRY! TAKE IT BACK! I DON'T CARE! I DON'T WANT IT! (pulls out a piece of paper with the words "INDEED" written on it and gives it to PSSJ who takes it and sticks it in a pocket in her shirt.)
Let's just get ON WITH THE
STORY!
PSSJ (thoughtful): True. This is just a worthless prologue. You know. (looks around)
We could make this play more interesting.
MM (standing): How?
(Snow begins to fall from above and onto the floor, showering them. First just on the right side, then the left, then both but not the middle. Then it snows just at the back, then just at the front and it varies from there. PSSJ is explaining something to MM which is inaudible to the audience as it does so and it changes at every one of her gestures and even some of MM's. After it all, PSSJ and MM wave it off and it stops.)
MM (turning to the audience): Well, that's not the story..or part of the story.
PSSJ: Yes, I was merely trying to show a point.
MM: So we decided to let you ponder at it with no explanation whatsoever.
PSSJ (grins): Enjoy!
MM: Now, the REAL story!
PSSJ (teasing): Maybe.
(PSSJ lifts up her right arm as MM gazes confused at her and snow falls down onto the right side of the stage. MM slaps her forehead.)
MM: Ergh, STOP! (turning to attack PSSJ)
PSSJ (puts a hand up calmly towards MM): Fine, fine, REAL STORY!
[BLACKOUT]
(A random glowing Z appears at the middle of the stage, possibly at the back of someone's shirt. Preferably PSSJ or MM.)
MM (voice off-stage/in darkness): Don't mind the Z, it doesn't eat much!
(Lights up quickly.)
(PSSJ and MM are still standing where they were, but switched places, doing what the other was doing before; PSSJ is attacking MM, MM's hand is up.)
PSSJ (striking a pose): MUAHA! THE STORY IS ABOUT US! What did you think it was, about Harry Potter? Well. maybe. (winks)
-ISH.
MM (clapping hands together): Okay. UM.let's make a new entrance, (turns to PSSJ)
Shall we?
PSSJ: Yes. It was quite inane.
[BLACKOUT]
(Fades in. The set is now a small office with two computers, a large desk, and many stacks of papers. MM is sitting in a chair and PSSJ is striking a
pose beside it.)
PSSJ: In this wonderful setting of an office in MM's home sits.
MM (whispers):
And stands.
PSSJ: Right, and stands two smart intelligent.
MM:
Beautiful, wonderful.
PSSJ:
Glorious, Triumphant!
MM (stands):
VICTORIOUS! And most of all. _ | PSSJ: PERFECTLY MODEST. | | MM: EXQUISITELY MODEST.
MM: Girls.
PSSJ (continues as if the only one there): Who are in front of a computer with messed up pixels that seemed to be really annoying them. (Both flick their hand under their chin at it) The first. MM, also known as Medieval Maiden (or more known now as Eihbinn Eonach) is five foot three inches tall and fourteen years old AND the younger of the two. (grins) She has BLONDE hair. (pats MM on the head)
Which is natural. She also has 90/20 vision and is blind as a bat without glasses or contacts. Her blind as a bat eyes are blue with a neat yellowish-green bright colour surrounding the pupil. But enough about the blonde. (pushes her off the chair and sits down, striking another of her stupid poses) There's the other, PSSJ. She's exactly five feet tall-
MM (pulling herself up from behind the chair): Since five years ago.
PSSJ (dismissing her voice):
And to my despair is shorter than the other. But great people come in very
MM: VERY.
PSSJ:
Small packages! She is, though, FIFTEEN years old and has light brown hair and is NOT a DUMB BLONDE.
MM (fighting with herself to attack): HEY, AM NOT!
PSSJ (aside): SHH! Talk AFTER our lovely descriptions. (coughs; moving along) She has 20/20 vision, PERFECT EYESIGHT which could see a faint birthmark on the face of anyone that is but a blur in the distance to anyone else. JUST a blur! I could see it, I bet I could. A few years ago.
MM: Here comes a lie...
PSSJ: I found a criminal because of the birthmark on his face and he was in a car with heavily TINTED WINDOWS.
MM (to audience): She fibs! _ | PSSJ: Then there's toast. | | MM: And digresses.
PSSJ (dismissing the earlier thought): But anyway, here we are sitting. (looks at MM who stands beside her, looking off somewhere not even listening)
SITTING. (MM does nothing; grabs her and pulls her down onto another chair)
SITTING in SPINNY CHAIRS! (spins in a circle) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! And we're in a cluttered office, as I said before, with two computer screens and a mocking position of the mouse which proves as a conflict to us. (sticks hand onto a place beside the monitor where mice usually are. Since nothing is there, she looks and sees nothing, then puts her hand under the desk where the keyboard should be and pulls out the mouse, showing it.) _ | MM (impatiently): CAN I TALK NOW? | | PSSJ (as if she didn't hear it): MUCH conflict.
(without even turning to MM, suddenly hearing it) Yes you can. GO RIGHT AHEAD! I'm am horrible at intros, could never do one on my behalf.
MM (rolls eyes): As we move right along.
PSSJ: RIGHT along.
MM (glaring): We were sitting in my parents' office on this grand morning. night.
PSSJ (looking at pocket watch): AKA.it's 5:26. A.M.!
MM (impatiently): When suddenly we began to wonder what it would be like if.
PSSJ (interrupting): Actually, I wondered what it would be like if Draco Malfoy. (pats a Draco Plushy in her back pocket)
APPEARED in the VERY ROOM and
SUDDENLY.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(MM and PSSJ are now looking to the center of the stage and Draco Malfoy is standing there with a confused, irritated, surprised look on his face.)
MM: AAAAAHHH!!! (leans back and nearly out of the chair)
DIE!
PSSJ: There there. (pushes her off)
Be polite! (grins at Draco, patting the Draco Plushy.)
DRACO (eyeing the plushy): Is that. me?
PSSJ (jumps up excited to hear he's speaking to her): Why YES! (shoves the plushy in his face) DO YOU SEE A RESEMBLANCE?
MM (after pulling herself up): He's too stupid to see anything.
DRACO (scowling): Well.
PSSJ (squeals; no longer able to contain herself): WEEEEE!!! (grabs a hold of his waist) IT'S THE REAL THING!
MM (makes gagging sounds): RRRGH. (puts hand up and everything but PSSJ and MM freeze. Draco is paused in a disgusted position trying to get away from PSSJ.)
PSSJ (lets go and looks at Draco who isn't moving): Aw, he froze.
MM (to the audience): Now, you think that Draco Malfoy appearing in your office is enough for ONE day, but NOOOO.
PSSJ:
ENOUGH FOR ME! (pokes him) Will he unfreeze?
MM (thinks a moment): Not if I can help it! (grins)
PSSJ (moves to MM): YOU WILL! (hits her with the plushy, then turns back to him; tilts head)
He looks. odd..frozen. Turn 'im back and get on with the story!
MM (thinks a moment): KAY.
(Everything unfreezes and Draco continues to struggle, but then realizes PSSJ is no longer on his waist. He looks around confused, but then PSSJ dives over and grabs his waist again. MM gags and cringes in her chair. Suddenly a little stack of paper falls down and lands on Draco's head, then slips off onto PSSJ's face.)
PSSJ: WAH. (Lifts it from her face to read it)
"Tears and a Black Rose." (looks up at the ceiling questionably along with everyone else.)
MM (grinning): It's a publicity step for my story.
PSSJ (confused): Falling from the ceiling?
DRACO: What's it about?
MM (huffing): Not a slash about YOU and HERMIONE, that's for sure.
[BLACKOUT]
(Lights up quickly)
(Hermione is now in Draco's arms, kissing him. PSSJ falls backwards and gasps disgusted. MM gasps as she sees it as well. Draco is seemingly enjoying it.)
PSSJ: SHIT, THAT'S HEAVY STUFF.
MM (quickly): NO! NO, NOT RIGHT. HERMIONE AND RONALD WEASLEY!
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Draco is now by himself, but shocked and panting, hair messed up. PSSJ is looking at him, relieved. MM sighs relief and stands. Behind them is Ron and Hermione kissing each other on the table.)
MM (relieved): THAT's better.
PSSJ: MUCH MUCH! (stands and grabs Draco's waist again)
MM (disgusted): Still, it's better.
PSSJ: But where's.
RON (to Hermione): I could have sworn you vanished for a moment.
HERMIONE (to Ron): Well I could have sworn your method of kissing changed.
PSSJ: Er. (The three turn and gasp.)
Nevermind. I think they're having fun.
DRACO (fixing his hair; slicking it back): Unfortunately, we're not.
MM (fondly): I think it's cute. (Ron and Hermione begin to shed each other's clothing.) Uhhh. NOW it's getting a little dirty. Perhaps we should mention they're not alone. (walks over to them)
UM.excuse me?
PSSJ: Yeah, uh, hi?
DRACO: YO WEASEL!
MM (smacks Draco): HEY FERRET!
PSSJ (to MM): SLICK MOVE.
MM (as if she was stabbed): AAAAHHH!!!! IT BURNS! (cringes back)
(Hermione unbuttons Ron's shirt and takes it off.)
PSSJ (gazing): He looks pretty good without a shirt.
MM (runs over): Shuddup. (pokes Hermione)
PSSJ (pokes Ron): But he does!
(Ron and Hermione stop what they're doing and gaze around. Seeing Draco, Ron jerks backwards and flips behind the desk.)
RON: BLOODY HELL. (pulls himself up a bit, looking over the desk; blushing)
How did we get here?
HERMIONE (blushing): I thought we were going to have a night alone.
PSSJ (scoffing): Guess not!
MM: Too bad. (pulls the shirt from Hermione and throws it at Ron) Might wanna put this back on. (As he stands up and does, MM lifts an arm and everyone freezes in mid- action.) So, here were are with a pair of extremely embarrassed Gryffindor's, an evil Slytherin who feels loved and a doting PSSJ. (glares)
Am I the only sane one here? Perhaps. or. not for long.
(Everything unfreezes as MM motions and Ron finishes putting his shirt on, Hermione fixing her outfit.)
DRACO (smirking): Nice lipstick Weasley.
HERMIONE (extremely embarrassed): Here. (Hands him a tissue that appeared out of nowhere in the air/ flicks it out of her sleeve.) Wipe it off will you?
RON (takes it and wipes off his face): Glad Harry's not here. _ | MM: Guess what happens next? | | PSSJ: Now that you mention it.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Harry is now sitting next to Ron on the desk looking baffled.)
HARRY: Er.
RON (through a forced grin): HARRY! You're here. What a surprise. (looks to PSSJ and MM, obviously missing something here)
MM (eyes widen): You're Harry Potter aren't you?
HARRY: Last time I checked.
PSSJ: MY LINE!
MM (grins): Ignore her. (approaches him. Harry backs up and slips from the desk, stepping on an Electronic Blue's Clues toy.)
MECHANICAL STEVE: HI, I'm STEVE!
RON (as if he's gone through enough): Aw, Suck it up STEVE.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Steve appears where the Electronic Steve is walking in place.)
STEVE (singing): We are looking for Blue's Clues, We are looking for Blue's Clues. (looking around; noticing his surroundings)
We are looking.for.Blue's.Clues. Um. Wonder where. I am.
PSSJ (slaps forehead): OH NO, NOT YOU TOO!
STEVE (turning to her): Have you seen Blue my puppy?
MM: Can't say that I have.
CHILD VOICES FROM NOWHERE: THERE SHE IS!
(Everyone but Steve jumps and looks around for the scary sounding noises. Blue appears from stage right, dancing.)
PSSJ: I hope they don't appear too.
BLUE (singing): BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW. BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW. BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW. BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW! BOW! (jumps up, attempting to make a giant paw print in a place where the screen would be. She falls and fails, but then turns to the computer and makes a paw print taking up the entire screen.)
MM (seeing this): GREAAAT. Now my parents are going to KILL me.
PSSJ (goes to the computer): Maybe it'll come off. (rubs a finger on it)
Nothing. (rubs a hand on it)
Nothing. (furiously wipes with a random sponge)
NOTHING! It won't come off! (backs up from it a bit; frightened) And I think it's giggling at me.
STEVE (goes to the computer and shoves them aside): YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS! WE'RE READY TO PLAY. (Over-excited)
BLUES CLUES!!!
RON (staring): What the HELL is Blue's Clues?
MM: Just a hideous show on Nick Jr. which is a spin off of Nickelodeon. and without Nick, it wouldn't be there.
DRACO (pulling out a notepad and quill):
Tell me where I can find this. (taps the quill to his tongue, then to the paper)
Nick.
PSSJ (seeing this): AWWWW, HOW SWEET! (dives over and pats Draco)
HE HAS A HIT LIST!!
MM (baffled): Uh, yes.sweet.
HARRY (who had been thinking to himself): J'ai le recommander de parler en français. I
WOMAN VOICE FROM NOWHERE (seductively): Recommander?
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(The room is filled with six men and a woman who has taken the chair from MM. The men are washing her hair and dancing with Herbal Essence Shampoo and Conditioner. Sparkles are falling from the sky along with water.)
MEN (singing):
Elle a le recommander a herbal.
Elle plutôt Herbal dans la douche pour une autre demi-heure,
Il est tout botanique,
Elle a le recommander à Herbal.
(Then it all stops and her hair is magically dry/men pull off the wig revealing her dry hair. Everyone else stays wet. Then the men run away.)
WOMAN (chasing after them): GUYS! THE BOTTLE SAYS REPEAT!
(An old woman appears holding a Herbel Essence Body Wash.)
OLD WOMAN: Si vous pensez QUI sont quelque chose, vous devriez essayer le lavage de corps.
(laughs and walks away.)
DRACO PLUSHY: Piaulement!
PSSJ (petting the plushy):
Awwww, il est d'accord Bon Draco Peluché.
DRACO:
Bien alors.
MM: Maintenant ce qui? Nous sommes toute la séance parlant ici français!!
RON: Comment sommes-nous allés tout le Français parlant de début de toute façon?
PSSJ (shrugs): Je ne sais pas. I
BLUE: Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf?
HERMIONE (sighing):
I wish we could speak English again.
MM: I wish as well.
PSSJ (jumping up): HEY! WE CAN SPEAK ENGLISH AGAIN! (looks around) So who started the French? _ | PSSJ: If I recall correctly it was HARRY! | | MM: I believe it was HARRY! | | DRACO: Who else but HARRY! | | HERMIONE: It was HARRY! | | RON: Great job HARRY! | | STEVE: Whatshisname. HARRY!
HARRY (innocently): What?
HERMIONE (smiling at him): Well, we'll just have to be careful what we say, now won't we?
RON (not listening): Have you ever wanted to speak German?
_ | PSSJ: RON, WARUM?! | | MM: RON, WARUM?! | | DRACO: RON WEASLE! | | HERMIONE: RONALD WEASLEY! | | HARRY: RON. | | STEVE: RON!!!
RON: Whoops. Mein Schlechtes.
DRACO PLUSHY: Blick?
PSSJ (hugs the plushy): Seien Sie nicht confuseded plüschartiges Draco.
DRACO (seeing this): Was ist es mit Ihnen und diesem plüschartigen daß aussehen wie ich?
HERMIONE (irate): Ich wünsche, daß wir Englisch wieder sprechen könnten!! I
STEVE: Funktionierte es? Notwendigkeit der Ursache I, mein paw print weg zu säubern und ich denken es nicht versteht deutscher sehr gut
(The lights flicker)
RON (knocks over an empty beer bottle): Whoops.. didn't mean to do that. (picks it up and puts it back.)
DRACO (hears Ron): This is rather strange. We can speak our language again.
MM: It's like we're in the twilight zone or something.
PSSJ:
OR THE OFFICE OF DOOOOM!
RON (knocks over the bottle again): Oops... I did it again.
ALL (but Ron): NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(The beginning of the song by Britney Spears plays beginning with the dreaded DUNT DUNT.)
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Now dancing on top of the desk is Britney Spears. Harry and Hermione fall off of it and away, shrieking along with everyone else. Ron hides under the desk, MM and PSSJ grasp each other behind the chairs. Draco hides in a closet, Steve and Blue on the shelf. The paw print even flies off.)
BRITNEY (singing):
Uh Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah.
I think I did it again,
I made you believe we're more than just friends,
Oh baby.
It might seem like a crush,
But it doesn't mean that I'm serious.
'Cause to lose all my senses,
That is just so typically me!
Oh baby, baby.
Oops!...I did it again,
I played with your heart, got lost in the game,
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love,
That I'm sent from above,
I'm not that innocent!
PSSJ (interrupts): You got that right. (stands and turns off the CD player by the computer. Britney continues to dance, now singing which sounds horrible.)
See, I knew she was faking it.
BRITNEY (stops): It's over already? I did the entire song?
PSSJ (slowly): ENTIRE SONG.
BRITNEY:
Well then!
(strikes a pose; everyone cringes)
Fabulous! (giggles; everyone gags)
Did you like my song?
(Everyone rolls over and moans. All the guys look over, then stand up, eyeing her.)
PSSJ (whispers to Draco): It's all fake, NOTHING IS REAL.
DRACO (looking Britney over): You can sort of tell, but still.
MM (rolls eyes): Guys don't care if it's fake or not.
ALL GUYS: Got that right.
(MM smacks Harry, Hermione smacks Ron, PSSJ smacks Draco and Blue slaps Steve.)
BRITNEY (flinches uncomfortably): NOBODY'S ANSWERING ME.
_ | HARRY: It was fabulous, we all loved it! | | DRACO: You are very "gifted"! | | RON: An absolute wizard song! | | STEVE: You couldn't have done any better!
BRITNEY (pleased): That's what I thought!
(the girls cringe)
So who are all you people?
PSSJ (snorts): Phantom SolidSnake Jahazi, don't dare call me anything other than PSSJ. (mutters) I don't want you addressing to me at all. (picks up Draco Plushy) This is Draco Plushy!
DRACO PLUSHY: PEEP PEEP!
_ | HARRY: Harry Potter! | | DRACO: Draco Malfoy. | | RON: Ron Weasley!
HERMIONE (glares at the three): HUMPH. (crosses arms) Hermione Granger. STEVE: Hi! I'm Steve! And this is my puppy Blue.
BLUE: BOW BOW BOW!
BRITNEY (bends down and pats Blue): Aw, he's so cute.
BLUE (growling): Bow bow.
STEVE (scratches head): She's a girl.
BRITNEY (giggles):
Oh! Then why does she look so much like a boy? She should be pink!
STEVE: But there's already her friend who's magenta.
BRITNEY: Like, duh, that's why I said PINK. (bounces to another corner just as Blue leaps to attack, but misses.)
MM (rolls eyes): I am Medieval Maiden. Just call me MM.
BRITNEY:
That sounds a lot like Eminem!
MM: Good Lord, I hope you mean the candy.
PSSJ (hearing the fuzz of a loud speaker): Guess not.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Enimen is standing on the desk with his usual bandana around his head and microphone.)
EMINEM:
May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? I repeat: will the real Slim Shady please stand up? We're gonna have a problem here.
Ya'll act like you never seen a white person before, jaws all on the floor,
like Pam and Tommy just burst in the door and started whoopin her ass worse than before.
They first were divorced throwing her over furniture. It's the return of the...
"Awww. wait, no wait, you're kidding, he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"
And Dr. Dre said...
Nothing you idiots, Dr Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement.
Feminist women love Eminem,
Chicka chicka chicka Slim Shady,
"I'm sick of him, look at him walkin' around, grabbin' his you know what, flippin' to you know who."
"Yeah, but he's so cute though."
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose.
MM (under her breath): What an understatement.
BRITNEY (huffs): You interrupted! I would never let you interrupt me! She interrupted you!
PSSJ (aside):
She probably slept with him.
EMINEM: Huh, Maybe she's just a wimp and can't stomach me, let alone stand me.
MM: That's absolutely right.
BRITNEY:
She interrupted you!
MM (ready to punch her): Oh, suck it up you BIG BABY. (collects herself)
If my name sounds like HIS. (eyes Eminem evilly.)
EMINEM (interrupts): Guys, my name's NOT Eminem. It's Marshall Mathers.
MM: Er, well, same initials.
HARRY: Then why don't you call yourself Marshall Mathers? I wouldn't go around calling myself "The Boy Who Lived."
EMINEM (scoffs): Why doesn't Marilyn Manson call himself Brian Warner?
(MM and PSSJ brace themselves, dreading and waiting for Marilyn Manson to appear. Miraculously nothing happens.)
MM (ecstatic): Wee! Maybe this is a good sign or something!
PSSJ (shrugging): Or perhaps he's busy?
MM (moving along): Before I was RUDELY interrupted. (glares at Eminem)
PSSJ (interrupts): Marilyn's name is MM as well!
MM (glaring): AHEM.
PSSJ (realizing): Both Marilyns! UNCANNY!
MM (crosses arms): AS I WAS SAYING. If my name sounds like HIS. (glares over at Eminem) Then I shall use my real name. Which nobody knows.
PSSJ:
I do.
MM: Well, none of our guests.
PSSJ (lifts up the plushy): Draco Plushy knows, too!
MM (impatiently): Well, he was here before.
PSSJ: Right! (turns to Hermione; speaks in a deep voice) There is something you must know about us.
HERMIONE (looking scared): What?
PSSJ (still deepened voice): I am your father's... brother's... nephew's... cousin's former roommate.
HERMIONE (baffled): Well.what does that make us?
PSSJ: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
HERMIONE (stares): All.right.
PSSJ (laughs): That's what Dark Helmet says!
MM (jumping up to PSSJ, grabbing her arm): Watch what you say! My office isn't very big!
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Dark Helmet appears between PSSJ and MM who both jump away.)
DRACO: Isn't that the guy who makes fun of Darth Vader?
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Darth Vader is standing next to Draco. MM jumps back, as she had been going to attack Draco, but Darth is now in her way.)
PSSJ (aside to MM): Maybe we should tell them the trick, eh?
DARTH (looking around): UUUH. (Spots Dark Helmet) Are you.MOCKING ME?
DARK HELMET (high voice): Uuhhh. no? (Darth turns away and he lifts up his helmet, sticking out his tongue and making faces. Darth turns back and Dark drops the helmet putting on a deep voice.)
SO.WHO ALL IS EVIL HERE? (MM and PSSJ begin cracking up and falling out of the chairs they had sat down in. His voice goes high again.)
What's so FUNNY?
MM (deep voice): GOOD IS DUMB. (they laugh even harder)
PSSJ (deep voice): GOOD IS DUUUMBBBB! _ | PSSJ: THIS IS DUMB. | | MM: This is dumb.
(They instantly become calm and sit back in their chairs.) _ | PSSJ: That was odd. | | MM: THAT WAS ODD!
PSSJ: Moving right along! (raises hand)
I'm EVIL! (raises Draco Plushy)
DRACO PLUSHY IS EVIL TOO!
MM (points to Draco): DRACO IS EVIL!
DRACO (smiling): I am, aren't I? Cool, I'm evil!
HARRY: SNAPE is evil.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Severus Snape is now sitting on PSSJ's lap.)
PSSJ (ecstatic): OH MY GOD, OH MOTHER OF MILKSHAKES!! IT'S SNAPE!!!! (hugs him) AND HE'S SITTING ON MY LAP! SNAPE! SNAPE! SNAPE!
SNAPE (stares around and spots the three Gryffindors): Potter. Weasley, what did you do now? (tries to get away from PSSJ who hugs tighter)
PSSJ (singing): SNAPE! SNAPE! SNAPE!
MM (randomly mumbling): NSYNC is evil.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Justin Timberlake stands on the desk and begins to dance.)
JUSTIN (singing): I'm doin' this tonight,
You're probably gonna start a fight.
I know this can't be right.
Hey baby come on,
I loved you endlessly,
When you weren't there for me.
So now it's time to leave and make it alone
I know that I can't take no more
It ain't no lie
I wanna see you out that door
Baby, bye, bye, bye...
PSSJ (interrupts; stands, still holding on to Snape): YES, YES. WE KNOW YOU'RE BI, BI, BI. NOW SHOVE IT.
MM (snicker): You mean it as a B and an I, right?
PSSJ: Wouldn't have it any other way! (peers)
By the way, you didn't happen to mention Justin or
something?
MM: Mentioned the entire group, actually.
JUSTIN (overhearing): I do ALL the singing anyways. I AM the BAND. (mutters about going solo)
SNAPE (eyeing around): This must be his doing.
PSSJ (looking up at Snape): Whose?
SNAPE: Voldemo-
MM (jumps up and covers his mouth): Yes, yes, possibly, yes.his. (glares at PSSJ)
HARRY: What's wrong with saying Voldemo-
PSSJ (jumps up and covers his mouth):
Yes, we all know you're not afraid to say his name, JUST DON'T. (eyes MM)
Trade you?
MM (quickly): Okay! (they switch places, now next to the one they like)
PSSJ: Now, MM, watch what you say or I may have to summon you-know- who and I don't meant Volde- (Snape covers her mouth; eyes him)
SNAPE: Well, you all seemed to not want to say it.
PSSJ (removes his hand): Right, well, I don't mean him.
MM (baffled): Wha.?
PSSJ: Fine, I'll just do it. (mumbles something)
(The television behind them turns on and MM turns to it. Scamp appears on the screen.)
SCAMP: SLICK MOVE!
MM (as if she was being murdered):
AAAAHHH!!!!
SCAMP (skipping to another time he says it): SLICK MOVE!
MM (falls over): I'm DYING!
SCAMP (to yet another): Slick move!
PSSJ (cackles): MUAHAHAHAHAA! (looks at the television, then turns it off)
Wonder why it was just on the television.
MM (still twitching): Maybe because he's animated.
PSSJ (kicks her): You should be unconscious. (looks to Blue)
Blue's animated.
STEVE: But not on the stage production!
PSSJ: True.
DARTH: Why are you afraid of such a puny little puppy?
PSSJ (snickering): It's not the puppy.
JUSTIN: What, is she like having a nervous breakdown or something?
EMINEM (distant look): Ah, that brings back a few memories. (pulls something out of his pocket and tosses onto MM)
MM (stops twitching): Errr. (pokes it) What is it?
EMINEM: Not sure, actually. It helps, you should try it out.
(Everyone backs up, but Britney who picks it up and opens it. Some pieces fly into the air. PSSJ picks up some and examines it, but sets it down.)
BRITNEY: Sure, I'll try some! (shoves entire bag into her mouth and chews greedily for a moment.) Hhn. This isn't half bad. What's it supposed to do?
EMINEM (looks at his watch): Wait a moment. THREE.
TWO.
ONE. EVERYBODY DUCK!
(Everyone flattens themselves to the ground.)
BRITNEY (quickly in short breaths; jerky movements): Wow, I feel energized, I feel really hyper. I feel like I can fly! Infact, Maybe I'll try! (hops onto the desk; hops off)
WEEEEEEEE!!!! (hits the floor; unconscious)
SNAPE (sarcastically): There's a smart one.
HARRY: Man, I didn't think she could be more perky than she was.
BRITNEY (coming around): THAT WAS FUN! (giggles)
DRACO PLUSHY: Peep?
(The plushy "takes a bite" from the piece PSSJ is holding. After a few seconds, he jumps into the air and bounces back and forth/PSSJ throws a bouncy ball his size off-stage and the stagehands on either side get to play catch for a while back and forth. At the end, a stagehand bounces it and PSSJ catches it. Opening her hands, she reveals the plushy which never left her.)
DRACO PLUSHY: PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
PSSJ: You NAUGHTY little DRACO PLUSHY! Never eat something unless you KNOW WHAT IT IS!
DRACO PLUSHY (challenging): PEEP PEEP PEEP!
PSSJ: I know Britney said it was fun but.Dude, that's BRITNEY.
DRACO PLUSHY (sadly): Peep Peep.
PSSJ (hugs him): It's okay, It was still cute!
DRACO PLUSHY (happily): PEEPEEPEEP!
SNAPE (staring): She just had a conversation with that, didn't she?
RON: She sure did.
HARRY: That's a bit frightening.
DRACO: Frightening? IT LOOKS LIKE ME! HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!
DARK HELMET (high voice; question-like): Loved?
DARTH (venomously to Dark): Like the tie.
DARK HELMET (oblivious): Thanks! But my favorite piece is actually these here shorts.
PSSJ: Well, I could do something else.
MM (blinks): What?
PSSJ (grinning): Just watch. (mumbles something. Showering from the ceiling are a Ron plushy, Snape plush Harry Plushy and Michael Jackson plushy.) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
RON: Yes, she's a bit insane, that one.
HARRY (picking up his plushy): It's like a bad dream.
SNAPE (picking up MJJ plushy): This doesn't look at all like me.
HARRY (aside to Ron): His nose is ten times bigger.
PSSJ (looking over): OH! (grabs the plushy from him, replacing it with the real Snape plushy.) This is you!
SNAPE (examining the new plushy): Ah. Must have been the hair.
RON (looking over curiously; holding his own plush): Who is that?
_ | PSSJ: MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!! | | MM: WAIT!!!
MM (relieved): Oh, well, okay.
PSSJ (exuberant): MICHAEL JOSEPH JACKSON, THE KING OF POP!
MM (slaps hand to forehead): Oh, you IDIOT.
[BLACKOUT] (lights up quickly)
Written by - Eihbinn Eonach (formerly known as MedievalMaiden) and Phantom SolidSnake Jahazi
Continued/Edited by PSSJ
-----------------
[Enter Kristen and Samantha]
MM: Warning. This is going to be very stupid simply because it was written by two sleep deprived girls. Yes, PSSJ is a girl as far as we know.
PSSJ (looking into her pants): Last time I checked.
MM (eye roll/sarcasm): Indeed.
PSSJ (gasping): You said indeed?!
MM (peering): .Indeed.
PSSJ: RAH! (pulls out a wand with a pom-pom taped to the tip and begins to throw invisible dog treats) AND YOU SAID IT SARCASTICLY!!
MM (frightened/backing up): Did. I offend you?
PSSJ: ONLY I CAN DO THAT! (begins to beat her with the wand saying "SLICK MOVE!" over and over again.)
MM (running away): AAAAHHHHH!!! (trips and falls)
PSSJ (cackling): MY WORD!
MM (whimpering): SORRY! SORRY! TAKE IT BACK! I DON'T CARE! I DON'T WANT IT! (pulls out a piece of paper with the words "INDEED" written on it and gives it to PSSJ who takes it and sticks it in a pocket in her shirt.)
Let's just get ON WITH THE
STORY!
PSSJ (thoughtful): True. This is just a worthless prologue. You know. (looks around)
We could make this play more interesting.
MM (standing): How?
(Snow begins to fall from above and onto the floor, showering them. First just on the right side, then the left, then both but not the middle. Then it snows just at the back, then just at the front and it varies from there. PSSJ is explaining something to MM which is inaudible to the audience as it does so and it changes at every one of her gestures and even some of MM's. After it all, PSSJ and MM wave it off and it stops.)
MM (turning to the audience): Well, that's not the story..or part of the story.
PSSJ: Yes, I was merely trying to show a point.
MM: So we decided to let you ponder at it with no explanation whatsoever.
PSSJ (grins): Enjoy!
MM: Now, the REAL story!
PSSJ (teasing): Maybe.
(PSSJ lifts up her right arm as MM gazes confused at her and snow falls down onto the right side of the stage. MM slaps her forehead.)
MM: Ergh, STOP! (turning to attack PSSJ)
PSSJ (puts a hand up calmly towards MM): Fine, fine, REAL STORY!
[BLACKOUT]
(A random glowing Z appears at the middle of the stage, possibly at the back of someone's shirt. Preferably PSSJ or MM.)
MM (voice off-stage/in darkness): Don't mind the Z, it doesn't eat much!
(Lights up quickly.)
(PSSJ and MM are still standing where they were, but switched places, doing what the other was doing before; PSSJ is attacking MM, MM's hand is up.)
PSSJ (striking a pose): MUAHA! THE STORY IS ABOUT US! What did you think it was, about Harry Potter? Well. maybe. (winks)
-ISH.
MM (clapping hands together): Okay. UM.let's make a new entrance, (turns to PSSJ)
Shall we?
PSSJ: Yes. It was quite inane.
[BLACKOUT]
(Fades in. The set is now a small office with two computers, a large desk, and many stacks of papers. MM is sitting in a chair and PSSJ is striking a
pose beside it.)
PSSJ: In this wonderful setting of an office in MM's home sits.
MM (whispers):
And stands.
PSSJ: Right, and stands two smart intelligent.
MM:
Beautiful, wonderful.
PSSJ:
Glorious, Triumphant!
MM (stands):
VICTORIOUS! And most of all. _ | PSSJ: PERFECTLY MODEST. | | MM: EXQUISITELY MODEST.
MM: Girls.
PSSJ (continues as if the only one there): Who are in front of a computer with messed up pixels that seemed to be really annoying them. (Both flick their hand under their chin at it) The first. MM, also known as Medieval Maiden (or more known now as Eihbinn Eonach) is five foot three inches tall and fourteen years old AND the younger of the two. (grins) She has BLONDE hair. (pats MM on the head)
Which is natural. She also has 90/20 vision and is blind as a bat without glasses or contacts. Her blind as a bat eyes are blue with a neat yellowish-green bright colour surrounding the pupil. But enough about the blonde. (pushes her off the chair and sits down, striking another of her stupid poses) There's the other, PSSJ. She's exactly five feet tall-
MM (pulling herself up from behind the chair): Since five years ago.
PSSJ (dismissing her voice):
And to my despair is shorter than the other. But great people come in very
MM: VERY.
PSSJ:
Small packages! She is, though, FIFTEEN years old and has light brown hair and is NOT a DUMB BLONDE.
MM (fighting with herself to attack): HEY, AM NOT!
PSSJ (aside): SHH! Talk AFTER our lovely descriptions. (coughs; moving along) She has 20/20 vision, PERFECT EYESIGHT which could see a faint birthmark on the face of anyone that is but a blur in the distance to anyone else. JUST a blur! I could see it, I bet I could. A few years ago.
MM: Here comes a lie...
PSSJ: I found a criminal because of the birthmark on his face and he was in a car with heavily TINTED WINDOWS.
MM (to audience): She fibs! _ | PSSJ: Then there's toast. | | MM: And digresses.
PSSJ (dismissing the earlier thought): But anyway, here we are sitting. (looks at MM who stands beside her, looking off somewhere not even listening)
SITTING. (MM does nothing; grabs her and pulls her down onto another chair)
SITTING in SPINNY CHAIRS! (spins in a circle) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! And we're in a cluttered office, as I said before, with two computer screens and a mocking position of the mouse which proves as a conflict to us. (sticks hand onto a place beside the monitor where mice usually are. Since nothing is there, she looks and sees nothing, then puts her hand under the desk where the keyboard should be and pulls out the mouse, showing it.) _ | MM (impatiently): CAN I TALK NOW? | | PSSJ (as if she didn't hear it): MUCH conflict.
(without even turning to MM, suddenly hearing it) Yes you can. GO RIGHT AHEAD! I'm am horrible at intros, could never do one on my behalf.
MM (rolls eyes): As we move right along.
PSSJ: RIGHT along.
MM (glaring): We were sitting in my parents' office on this grand morning. night.
PSSJ (looking at pocket watch): AKA.it's 5:26. A.M.!
MM (impatiently): When suddenly we began to wonder what it would be like if.
PSSJ (interrupting): Actually, I wondered what it would be like if Draco Malfoy. (pats a Draco Plushy in her back pocket)
APPEARED in the VERY ROOM and
SUDDENLY.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(MM and PSSJ are now looking to the center of the stage and Draco Malfoy is standing there with a confused, irritated, surprised look on his face.)
MM: AAAAAHHH!!! (leans back and nearly out of the chair)
DIE!
PSSJ: There there. (pushes her off)
Be polite! (grins at Draco, patting the Draco Plushy.)
DRACO (eyeing the plushy): Is that. me?
PSSJ (jumps up excited to hear he's speaking to her): Why YES! (shoves the plushy in his face) DO YOU SEE A RESEMBLANCE?
MM (after pulling herself up): He's too stupid to see anything.
DRACO (scowling): Well.
PSSJ (squeals; no longer able to contain herself): WEEEEE!!! (grabs a hold of his waist) IT'S THE REAL THING!
MM (makes gagging sounds): RRRGH. (puts hand up and everything but PSSJ and MM freeze. Draco is paused in a disgusted position trying to get away from PSSJ.)
PSSJ (lets go and looks at Draco who isn't moving): Aw, he froze.
MM (to the audience): Now, you think that Draco Malfoy appearing in your office is enough for ONE day, but NOOOO.
PSSJ:
ENOUGH FOR ME! (pokes him) Will he unfreeze?
MM (thinks a moment): Not if I can help it! (grins)
PSSJ (moves to MM): YOU WILL! (hits her with the plushy, then turns back to him; tilts head)
He looks. odd..frozen. Turn 'im back and get on with the story!
MM (thinks a moment): KAY.
(Everything unfreezes and Draco continues to struggle, but then realizes PSSJ is no longer on his waist. He looks around confused, but then PSSJ dives over and grabs his waist again. MM gags and cringes in her chair. Suddenly a little stack of paper falls down and lands on Draco's head, then slips off onto PSSJ's face.)
PSSJ: WAH. (Lifts it from her face to read it)
"Tears and a Black Rose." (looks up at the ceiling questionably along with everyone else.)
MM (grinning): It's a publicity step for my story.
PSSJ (confused): Falling from the ceiling?
DRACO: What's it about?
MM (huffing): Not a slash about YOU and HERMIONE, that's for sure.
[BLACKOUT]
(Lights up quickly)
(Hermione is now in Draco's arms, kissing him. PSSJ falls backwards and gasps disgusted. MM gasps as she sees it as well. Draco is seemingly enjoying it.)
PSSJ: SHIT, THAT'S HEAVY STUFF.
MM (quickly): NO! NO, NOT RIGHT. HERMIONE AND RONALD WEASLEY!
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Draco is now by himself, but shocked and panting, hair messed up. PSSJ is looking at him, relieved. MM sighs relief and stands. Behind them is Ron and Hermione kissing each other on the table.)
MM (relieved): THAT's better.
PSSJ: MUCH MUCH! (stands and grabs Draco's waist again)
MM (disgusted): Still, it's better.
PSSJ: But where's.
RON (to Hermione): I could have sworn you vanished for a moment.
HERMIONE (to Ron): Well I could have sworn your method of kissing changed.
PSSJ: Er. (The three turn and gasp.)
Nevermind. I think they're having fun.
DRACO (fixing his hair; slicking it back): Unfortunately, we're not.
MM (fondly): I think it's cute. (Ron and Hermione begin to shed each other's clothing.) Uhhh. NOW it's getting a little dirty. Perhaps we should mention they're not alone. (walks over to them)
UM.excuse me?
PSSJ: Yeah, uh, hi?
DRACO: YO WEASEL!
MM (smacks Draco): HEY FERRET!
PSSJ (to MM): SLICK MOVE.
MM (as if she was stabbed): AAAAHHH!!!! IT BURNS! (cringes back)
(Hermione unbuttons Ron's shirt and takes it off.)
PSSJ (gazing): He looks pretty good without a shirt.
MM (runs over): Shuddup. (pokes Hermione)
PSSJ (pokes Ron): But he does!
(Ron and Hermione stop what they're doing and gaze around. Seeing Draco, Ron jerks backwards and flips behind the desk.)
RON: BLOODY HELL. (pulls himself up a bit, looking over the desk; blushing)
How did we get here?
HERMIONE (blushing): I thought we were going to have a night alone.
PSSJ (scoffing): Guess not!
MM: Too bad. (pulls the shirt from Hermione and throws it at Ron) Might wanna put this back on. (As he stands up and does, MM lifts an arm and everyone freezes in mid- action.) So, here were are with a pair of extremely embarrassed Gryffindor's, an evil Slytherin who feels loved and a doting PSSJ. (glares)
Am I the only sane one here? Perhaps. or. not for long.
(Everything unfreezes as MM motions and Ron finishes putting his shirt on, Hermione fixing her outfit.)
DRACO (smirking): Nice lipstick Weasley.
HERMIONE (extremely embarrassed): Here. (Hands him a tissue that appeared out of nowhere in the air/ flicks it out of her sleeve.) Wipe it off will you?
RON (takes it and wipes off his face): Glad Harry's not here. _ | MM: Guess what happens next? | | PSSJ: Now that you mention it.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Harry is now sitting next to Ron on the desk looking baffled.)
HARRY: Er.
RON (through a forced grin): HARRY! You're here. What a surprise. (looks to PSSJ and MM, obviously missing something here)
MM (eyes widen): You're Harry Potter aren't you?
HARRY: Last time I checked.
PSSJ: MY LINE!
MM (grins): Ignore her. (approaches him. Harry backs up and slips from the desk, stepping on an Electronic Blue's Clues toy.)
MECHANICAL STEVE: HI, I'm STEVE!
RON (as if he's gone through enough): Aw, Suck it up STEVE.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Steve appears where the Electronic Steve is walking in place.)
STEVE (singing): We are looking for Blue's Clues, We are looking for Blue's Clues. (looking around; noticing his surroundings)
We are looking.for.Blue's.Clues. Um. Wonder where. I am.
PSSJ (slaps forehead): OH NO, NOT YOU TOO!
STEVE (turning to her): Have you seen Blue my puppy?
MM: Can't say that I have.
CHILD VOICES FROM NOWHERE: THERE SHE IS!
(Everyone but Steve jumps and looks around for the scary sounding noises. Blue appears from stage right, dancing.)
PSSJ: I hope they don't appear too.
BLUE (singing): BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW. BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW. BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW. BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW! BOW! (jumps up, attempting to make a giant paw print in a place where the screen would be. She falls and fails, but then turns to the computer and makes a paw print taking up the entire screen.)
MM (seeing this): GREAAAT. Now my parents are going to KILL me.
PSSJ (goes to the computer): Maybe it'll come off. (rubs a finger on it)
Nothing. (rubs a hand on it)
Nothing. (furiously wipes with a random sponge)
NOTHING! It won't come off! (backs up from it a bit; frightened) And I think it's giggling at me.
STEVE (goes to the computer and shoves them aside): YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS! WE'RE READY TO PLAY. (Over-excited)
BLUES CLUES!!!
RON (staring): What the HELL is Blue's Clues?
MM: Just a hideous show on Nick Jr. which is a spin off of Nickelodeon. and without Nick, it wouldn't be there.
DRACO (pulling out a notepad and quill):
Tell me where I can find this. (taps the quill to his tongue, then to the paper)
Nick.
PSSJ (seeing this): AWWWW, HOW SWEET! (dives over and pats Draco)
HE HAS A HIT LIST!!
MM (baffled): Uh, yes.sweet.
HARRY (who had been thinking to himself): J'ai le recommander de parler en français. I
WOMAN VOICE FROM NOWHERE (seductively): Recommander?
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(The room is filled with six men and a woman who has taken the chair from MM. The men are washing her hair and dancing with Herbal Essence Shampoo and Conditioner. Sparkles are falling from the sky along with water.)
MEN (singing):
Elle a le recommander a herbal.
Elle plutôt Herbal dans la douche pour une autre demi-heure,
Il est tout botanique,
Elle a le recommander à Herbal.
(Then it all stops and her hair is magically dry/men pull off the wig revealing her dry hair. Everyone else stays wet. Then the men run away.)
WOMAN (chasing after them): GUYS! THE BOTTLE SAYS REPEAT!
(An old woman appears holding a Herbel Essence Body Wash.)
OLD WOMAN: Si vous pensez QUI sont quelque chose, vous devriez essayer le lavage de corps.
(laughs and walks away.)
DRACO PLUSHY: Piaulement!
PSSJ (petting the plushy):
Awwww, il est d'accord Bon Draco Peluché.
DRACO:
Bien alors.
MM: Maintenant ce qui? Nous sommes toute la séance parlant ici français!!
RON: Comment sommes-nous allés tout le Français parlant de début de toute façon?
PSSJ (shrugs): Je ne sais pas. I
BLUE: Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf Ouaf?
HERMIONE (sighing):
I wish we could speak English again.
MM: I wish as well.
PSSJ (jumping up): HEY! WE CAN SPEAK ENGLISH AGAIN! (looks around) So who started the French? _ | PSSJ: If I recall correctly it was HARRY! | | MM: I believe it was HARRY! | | DRACO: Who else but HARRY! | | HERMIONE: It was HARRY! | | RON: Great job HARRY! | | STEVE: Whatshisname. HARRY!
HARRY (innocently): What?
HERMIONE (smiling at him): Well, we'll just have to be careful what we say, now won't we?
RON (not listening): Have you ever wanted to speak German?
_ | PSSJ: RON, WARUM?! | | MM: RON, WARUM?! | | DRACO: RON WEASLE! | | HERMIONE: RONALD WEASLEY! | | HARRY: RON. | | STEVE: RON!!!
RON: Whoops. Mein Schlechtes.
DRACO PLUSHY: Blick?
PSSJ (hugs the plushy): Seien Sie nicht confuseded plüschartiges Draco.
DRACO (seeing this): Was ist es mit Ihnen und diesem plüschartigen daß aussehen wie ich?
HERMIONE (irate): Ich wünsche, daß wir Englisch wieder sprechen könnten!! I
STEVE: Funktionierte es? Notwendigkeit der Ursache I, mein paw print weg zu säubern und ich denken es nicht versteht deutscher sehr gut
(The lights flicker)
RON (knocks over an empty beer bottle): Whoops.. didn't mean to do that. (picks it up and puts it back.)
DRACO (hears Ron): This is rather strange. We can speak our language again.
MM: It's like we're in the twilight zone or something.
PSSJ:
OR THE OFFICE OF DOOOOM!
RON (knocks over the bottle again): Oops... I did it again.
ALL (but Ron): NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(The beginning of the song by Britney Spears plays beginning with the dreaded DUNT DUNT.)
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Now dancing on top of the desk is Britney Spears. Harry and Hermione fall off of it and away, shrieking along with everyone else. Ron hides under the desk, MM and PSSJ grasp each other behind the chairs. Draco hides in a closet, Steve and Blue on the shelf. The paw print even flies off.)
BRITNEY (singing):
Uh Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah.
I think I did it again,
I made you believe we're more than just friends,
Oh baby.
It might seem like a crush,
But it doesn't mean that I'm serious.
'Cause to lose all my senses,
That is just so typically me!
Oh baby, baby.
Oops!...I did it again,
I played with your heart, got lost in the game,
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love,
That I'm sent from above,
I'm not that innocent!
PSSJ (interrupts): You got that right. (stands and turns off the CD player by the computer. Britney continues to dance, now singing which sounds horrible.)
See, I knew she was faking it.
BRITNEY (stops): It's over already? I did the entire song?
PSSJ (slowly): ENTIRE SONG.
BRITNEY:
Well then!
(strikes a pose; everyone cringes)
Fabulous! (giggles; everyone gags)
Did you like my song?
(Everyone rolls over and moans. All the guys look over, then stand up, eyeing her.)
PSSJ (whispers to Draco): It's all fake, NOTHING IS REAL.
DRACO (looking Britney over): You can sort of tell, but still.
MM (rolls eyes): Guys don't care if it's fake or not.
ALL GUYS: Got that right.
(MM smacks Harry, Hermione smacks Ron, PSSJ smacks Draco and Blue slaps Steve.)
BRITNEY (flinches uncomfortably): NOBODY'S ANSWERING ME.
_ | HARRY: It was fabulous, we all loved it! | | DRACO: You are very "gifted"! | | RON: An absolute wizard song! | | STEVE: You couldn't have done any better!
BRITNEY (pleased): That's what I thought!
(the girls cringe)
So who are all you people?
PSSJ (snorts): Phantom SolidSnake Jahazi, don't dare call me anything other than PSSJ. (mutters) I don't want you addressing to me at all. (picks up Draco Plushy) This is Draco Plushy!
DRACO PLUSHY: PEEP PEEP!
_ | HARRY: Harry Potter! | | DRACO: Draco Malfoy. | | RON: Ron Weasley!
HERMIONE (glares at the three): HUMPH. (crosses arms) Hermione Granger. STEVE: Hi! I'm Steve! And this is my puppy Blue.
BLUE: BOW BOW BOW!
BRITNEY (bends down and pats Blue): Aw, he's so cute.
BLUE (growling): Bow bow.
STEVE (scratches head): She's a girl.
BRITNEY (giggles):
Oh! Then why does she look so much like a boy? She should be pink!
STEVE: But there's already her friend who's magenta.
BRITNEY: Like, duh, that's why I said PINK. (bounces to another corner just as Blue leaps to attack, but misses.)
MM (rolls eyes): I am Medieval Maiden. Just call me MM.
BRITNEY:
That sounds a lot like Eminem!
MM: Good Lord, I hope you mean the candy.
PSSJ (hearing the fuzz of a loud speaker): Guess not.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Enimen is standing on the desk with his usual bandana around his head and microphone.)
EMINEM:
May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? I repeat: will the real Slim Shady please stand up? We're gonna have a problem here.
Ya'll act like you never seen a white person before, jaws all on the floor,
like Pam and Tommy just burst in the door and started whoopin her ass worse than before.
They first were divorced throwing her over furniture. It's the return of the...
"Awww. wait, no wait, you're kidding, he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"
And Dr. Dre said...
Nothing you idiots, Dr Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement.
Feminist women love Eminem,
Chicka chicka chicka Slim Shady,
"I'm sick of him, look at him walkin' around, grabbin' his you know what, flippin' to you know who."
"Yeah, but he's so cute though."
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose.
MM (under her breath): What an understatement.
BRITNEY (huffs): You interrupted! I would never let you interrupt me! She interrupted you!
PSSJ (aside):
She probably slept with him.
EMINEM: Huh, Maybe she's just a wimp and can't stomach me, let alone stand me.
MM: That's absolutely right.
BRITNEY:
She interrupted you!
MM (ready to punch her): Oh, suck it up you BIG BABY. (collects herself)
If my name sounds like HIS. (eyes Eminem evilly.)
EMINEM (interrupts): Guys, my name's NOT Eminem. It's Marshall Mathers.
MM: Er, well, same initials.
HARRY: Then why don't you call yourself Marshall Mathers? I wouldn't go around calling myself "The Boy Who Lived."
EMINEM (scoffs): Why doesn't Marilyn Manson call himself Brian Warner?
(MM and PSSJ brace themselves, dreading and waiting for Marilyn Manson to appear. Miraculously nothing happens.)
MM (ecstatic): Wee! Maybe this is a good sign or something!
PSSJ (shrugging): Or perhaps he's busy?
MM (moving along): Before I was RUDELY interrupted. (glares at Eminem)
PSSJ (interrupts): Marilyn's name is MM as well!
MM (glaring): AHEM.
PSSJ (realizing): Both Marilyns! UNCANNY!
MM (crosses arms): AS I WAS SAYING. If my name sounds like HIS. (glares over at Eminem) Then I shall use my real name. Which nobody knows.
PSSJ:
I do.
MM: Well, none of our guests.
PSSJ (lifts up the plushy): Draco Plushy knows, too!
MM (impatiently): Well, he was here before.
PSSJ: Right! (turns to Hermione; speaks in a deep voice) There is something you must know about us.
HERMIONE (looking scared): What?
PSSJ (still deepened voice): I am your father's... brother's... nephew's... cousin's former roommate.
HERMIONE (baffled): Well.what does that make us?
PSSJ: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
HERMIONE (stares): All.right.
PSSJ (laughs): That's what Dark Helmet says!
MM (jumping up to PSSJ, grabbing her arm): Watch what you say! My office isn't very big!
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Dark Helmet appears between PSSJ and MM who both jump away.)
DRACO: Isn't that the guy who makes fun of Darth Vader?
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Darth Vader is standing next to Draco. MM jumps back, as she had been going to attack Draco, but Darth is now in her way.)
PSSJ (aside to MM): Maybe we should tell them the trick, eh?
DARTH (looking around): UUUH. (Spots Dark Helmet) Are you.MOCKING ME?
DARK HELMET (high voice): Uuhhh. no? (Darth turns away and he lifts up his helmet, sticking out his tongue and making faces. Darth turns back and Dark drops the helmet putting on a deep voice.)
SO.WHO ALL IS EVIL HERE? (MM and PSSJ begin cracking up and falling out of the chairs they had sat down in. His voice goes high again.)
What's so FUNNY?
MM (deep voice): GOOD IS DUMB. (they laugh even harder)
PSSJ (deep voice): GOOD IS DUUUMBBBB! _ | PSSJ: THIS IS DUMB. | | MM: This is dumb.
(They instantly become calm and sit back in their chairs.) _ | PSSJ: That was odd. | | MM: THAT WAS ODD!
PSSJ: Moving right along! (raises hand)
I'm EVIL! (raises Draco Plushy)
DRACO PLUSHY IS EVIL TOO!
MM (points to Draco): DRACO IS EVIL!
DRACO (smiling): I am, aren't I? Cool, I'm evil!
HARRY: SNAPE is evil.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Severus Snape is now sitting on PSSJ's lap.)
PSSJ (ecstatic): OH MY GOD, OH MOTHER OF MILKSHAKES!! IT'S SNAPE!!!! (hugs him) AND HE'S SITTING ON MY LAP! SNAPE! SNAPE! SNAPE!
SNAPE (stares around and spots the three Gryffindors): Potter. Weasley, what did you do now? (tries to get away from PSSJ who hugs tighter)
PSSJ (singing): SNAPE! SNAPE! SNAPE!
MM (randomly mumbling): NSYNC is evil.
[BLACKOUT]
(lights up quickly)
(Justin Timberlake stands on the desk and begins to dance.)
JUSTIN (singing): I'm doin' this tonight,
You're probably gonna start a fight.
I know this can't be right.
Hey baby come on,
I loved you endlessly,
When you weren't there for me.
So now it's time to leave and make it alone
I know that I can't take no more
It ain't no lie
I wanna see you out that door
Baby, bye, bye, bye...
PSSJ (interrupts; stands, still holding on to Snape): YES, YES. WE KNOW YOU'RE BI, BI, BI. NOW SHOVE IT.
MM (snicker): You mean it as a B and an I, right?
PSSJ: Wouldn't have it any other way! (peers)
By the way, you didn't happen to mention Justin or
something?
MM: Mentioned the entire group, actually.
JUSTIN (overhearing): I do ALL the singing anyways. I AM the BAND. (mutters about going solo)
SNAPE (eyeing around): This must be his doing.
PSSJ (looking up at Snape): Whose?
SNAPE: Voldemo-
MM (jumps up and covers his mouth): Yes, yes, possibly, yes.his. (glares at PSSJ)
HARRY: What's wrong with saying Voldemo-
PSSJ (jumps up and covers his mouth):
Yes, we all know you're not afraid to say his name, JUST DON'T. (eyes MM)
Trade you?
MM (quickly): Okay! (they switch places, now next to the one they like)
PSSJ: Now, MM, watch what you say or I may have to summon you-know- who and I don't meant Volde- (Snape covers her mouth; eyes him)
SNAPE: Well, you all seemed to not want to say it.
PSSJ (removes his hand): Right, well, I don't mean him.
MM (baffled): Wha.?
PSSJ: Fine, I'll just do it. (mumbles something)
(The television behind them turns on and MM turns to it. Scamp appears on the screen.)
SCAMP: SLICK MOVE!
MM (as if she was being murdered):
AAAAHHH!!!!
SCAMP (skipping to another time he says it): SLICK MOVE!
MM (falls over): I'm DYING!
SCAMP (to yet another): Slick move!
PSSJ (cackles): MUAHAHAHAHAA! (looks at the television, then turns it off)
Wonder why it was just on the television.
MM (still twitching): Maybe because he's animated.
PSSJ (kicks her): You should be unconscious. (looks to Blue)
Blue's animated.
STEVE: But not on the stage production!
PSSJ: True.
DARTH: Why are you afraid of such a puny little puppy?
PSSJ (snickering): It's not the puppy.
JUSTIN: What, is she like having a nervous breakdown or something?
EMINEM (distant look): Ah, that brings back a few memories. (pulls something out of his pocket and tosses onto MM)
MM (stops twitching): Errr. (pokes it) What is it?
EMINEM: Not sure, actually. It helps, you should try it out.
(Everyone backs up, but Britney who picks it up and opens it. Some pieces fly into the air. PSSJ picks up some and examines it, but sets it down.)
BRITNEY: Sure, I'll try some! (shoves entire bag into her mouth and chews greedily for a moment.) Hhn. This isn't half bad. What's it supposed to do?
EMINEM (looks at his watch): Wait a moment. THREE.
TWO.
ONE. EVERYBODY DUCK!
(Everyone flattens themselves to the ground.)
BRITNEY (quickly in short breaths; jerky movements): Wow, I feel energized, I feel really hyper. I feel like I can fly! Infact, Maybe I'll try! (hops onto the desk; hops off)
WEEEEEEEE!!!! (hits the floor; unconscious)
SNAPE (sarcastically): There's a smart one.
HARRY: Man, I didn't think she could be more perky than she was.
BRITNEY (coming around): THAT WAS FUN! (giggles)
DRACO PLUSHY: Peep?
(The plushy "takes a bite" from the piece PSSJ is holding. After a few seconds, he jumps into the air and bounces back and forth/PSSJ throws a bouncy ball his size off-stage and the stagehands on either side get to play catch for a while back and forth. At the end, a stagehand bounces it and PSSJ catches it. Opening her hands, she reveals the plushy which never left her.)
DRACO PLUSHY: PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
PSSJ: You NAUGHTY little DRACO PLUSHY! Never eat something unless you KNOW WHAT IT IS!
DRACO PLUSHY (challenging): PEEP PEEP PEEP!
PSSJ: I know Britney said it was fun but.Dude, that's BRITNEY.
DRACO PLUSHY (sadly): Peep Peep.
PSSJ (hugs him): It's okay, It was still cute!
DRACO PLUSHY (happily): PEEPEEPEEP!
SNAPE (staring): She just had a conversation with that, didn't she?
RON: She sure did.
HARRY: That's a bit frightening.
DRACO: Frightening? IT LOOKS LIKE ME! HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!
DARK HELMET (high voice; question-like): Loved?
DARTH (venomously to Dark): Like the tie.
DARK HELMET (oblivious): Thanks! But my favorite piece is actually these here shorts.
PSSJ: Well, I could do something else.
MM (blinks): What?
PSSJ (grinning): Just watch. (mumbles something. Showering from the ceiling are a Ron plushy, Snape plush Harry Plushy and Michael Jackson plushy.) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
RON: Yes, she's a bit insane, that one.
HARRY (picking up his plushy): It's like a bad dream.
SNAPE (picking up MJJ plushy): This doesn't look at all like me.
HARRY (aside to Ron): His nose is ten times bigger.
PSSJ (looking over): OH! (grabs the plushy from him, replacing it with the real Snape plushy.) This is you!
SNAPE (examining the new plushy): Ah. Must have been the hair.
RON (looking over curiously; holding his own plush): Who is that?
_ | PSSJ: MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!! | | MM: WAIT!!!
MM (relieved): Oh, well, okay.
PSSJ (exuberant): MICHAEL JOSEPH JACKSON, THE KING OF POP!
MM (slaps hand to forehead): Oh, you IDIOT.
[BLACKOUT] (lights up quickly)