Note: This piece just has two side stories to "Because I Need You to Stay", to give a little extra closure to the verse. The first part is in Lyon's POV and builds off the conversation he had with Natsu in chapter 11 of "Stay". I feel like he deserves some kind of last mention, since he played such an important role in the story but didn't have a major place in the epilogue.
Of course, the second part is in Gray's POV. Right now it's hovering just above 20k words, so I'm going to try cutting some things when I go back to edit it. But still...it's going to be really long x.x
There was every reason for Lyon to be happy. Gray was back to normal—or at least mostly normal—and things were going great. And Lyon was happy. He was so happy that his heart hurt sometimes, because he still couldn't quite believe that Gray was well and truly back after everything that had happened.
But at the same time, something was still bothering him. It was just a little niggling thought in the back of his mind that he could mostly ignore, but which still tugged at his awareness occasionally. Still, he was mostly able to put it out of his mind until something finally dragged it back to the forefront again.
Just a few days ago, Fairy Tail had finally gotten a reliable lead on their missing master's location, and they'd been talking over possibilities and laying out plans ever since. Despite a few concerns, Gray was insistent that he go as well and since he didn't seem to have any ill effects from his time as an amnesiac, no one really had any grounds to say no.
And when Fairy Tail went traipsing off to Alvarez, Lyon would not be going with them. He had certainly grown much closer to these mages over the past few months and formed some strong friendships. He'd even been accepted as a sort of unofficial, honorary guild member. But in the end, his guild was still Lamia Scale and this was Fairy Tail business that he had no place in.
No, he would return to Lamia Scale and hope for the best. He'd been away from his guild for a long time and he missed it. He would miss Fairy Tail too, especially Gray, but it was time to go. Lyon hadn't left yet because the thought of leaving Gray was abhorrent to him, even though things were all okay again. Gray had probably been right when he'd said that they were all just as dependent on him now as he was on them. Lyon's life really had revolved mostly around Gray for the past months, and it would take some time to adjust to the fact that it didn't need to anymore. That was probably one of the other reasons he hadn't left already—he was having a hard time accepting that Gray no longer needed him the same way he had before, and it was difficult to figure out where to go from here.
But Gray would be leaving within days and Lyon would be going back to Lamia Scale and things would start settling into something resembling pre-void normalcy again. If Lyon still wanted to say the things that he'd been meaning to say to Gray, he was running out of time.
And there were things he needed to say. Maybe Gray already knew them or at least had some idea, but Lyon wouldn't be satisfied until he'd finally said the words. Perhaps Lyon could have just continued to put it off, except that a conversation he'd had with Natsu a few months ago had resurfaced in his mind and wouldn't let him go. He had told Natsu that he'd always meant to tell Gray certain things, but that everything always kept getting ruined.
Something would always happen to Gray and Lyon would regret not saying the words bottled up in his heart, wishing that he hadn't waited too long. All the things left unsaid would always eat away at him, taunting him because he'd missed his chance again. And yet when Gray always somehow managed to come back, Lyon would inevitably put off the long-awaited conversation in his relief, because it wouldn't be an easy one and there would always be more time to have it later. Except that there wasn't always more time, and Gray's brush with death and the void had been all too real this time around. Lyon had really, truly thought that he was too late, and having an amnesic Gray was almost worse because even though he had been right there, Lyon still wasn't able to tell him what he needed to.
Lyon had had enough. He couldn't put this off any longer, not after how much it had haunted him after Gray's last 'death'. It was time that he sat down and had a chat with his adoptive brother.
He paused outside the doors of Fairy Tail's guild hall and loitered there for a few minutes, steeling himself to go in. Just because he was determined to have this conversation didn't mean that it would be easy. He was stuck, because he was too desperate to walk away and too nervous to go inside.
"Why are you lurking out here?" Erza asked from behind him.
He jumped about a foot in the air and spun around. He'd been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't even heard her approach.
She took in his expression and raised an eyebrow. "What's eating at you?"
He shook his head hurriedly. "Nothing, I'm, uh…" He trailed off at her disbelieving look and sighed. "I just need to talk to Gray."
"He's inside," she said. "You won't be able to talk to him very well from out here."
Lyon sighed again. "I know."
Erza studied him carefully, her sharp eyes efficiently decoding his body language and expression. "Ah," she said. "It's going to be one of those sappy heart-to-heart things that you guys suck at so much."
Lyon stared at her for a moment and barked out a surprised laugh. "Yeah, something like that."
"Look, whatever you want to say is obviously bothering you the longer you hold it in," Erza pointed out reasonably. "You'll feel better once you get it off your chest. I know you and Gray don't do so much of the sentimental stuff, but I'm sure he'll understand. I'm not saying it'll be all that easy to bare your heart or whatever, but you don't have to look like you're walking to your execution. I rather think Gray will be gentle with you." She sighed and smiled a little sadly. "He's been being rather gentle with us all lately, I think."
It was true that Gray had been a little uncharacteristically gentle and patient with everyone since he'd recovered his memories. He seemed to realize how hard everything had been on them and how difficult it would be for them to adjust now that things had changed. He was expecting some out of character behavior from them, so perhaps he wouldn't be all that surprised by Lyon's sudden desire for a 'sappy heart-to-heart thing'.
Everything Erza had said was true, but it didn't really make Lyon any less nervous or reluctant. Still, this was something he had to do, and he couldn't very well hide out here all day.
"Yeah, you're right," he said with a sigh. "Thanks."
"No problem. Now, are you going to go inside or not? Because I've been meaning to go in but you've been blocking the door."
Lyon chuckled despite his nerves and pushed the doors open. "I'm going, I'm going."
"Hey, Lyon?" When he glanced back and arched a questioning eyebrow, Erza added, "Good luck."
He tried to smile. "Thank you."
She clapped him on the back reassuringly—which perhaps didn't have the intended effect since it felt like she might have broken some bones—and walked towards the other side of the hall after giving him one last encouraging smile. Lyon stared after her, awkwardly trying to rub at his bruised back. They really had some characters in this guild, but they'd grown on him. He would miss them.
Giving up on his back and tearing his gaze from Erza's retreating form, Lyon glanced around the guild hall and quickly spotted Gray. The younger mage was sitting with Natsu and Lucy, laughing and joking as he petted Happy distractedly. There were faint dark circles under his eyes and he occasionally hid a yawn, but aside from looking a little tired, things seemed fine. He was obviously having a good time and Lyon considered putting this off so that he didn't ruin it, but then Gray noticed him and waved.
"Hey, Lyon!" Gray called brightly. Lyon took a steadying breath and walked over with grim determination. "Flame brain was just saying…" Gray trailed off and paused, concern flickering in his eyes as he took in the other man's expression. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Lyon muttered, stopping in front of him. "Gray, can I talk to you for a second?"
Gray looked immediately apprehensive, but nodded. "Of course."
He stood and deposited Happy in front of Natsu, who was frowning at Lyon curiously.
"Are you sure nothing's up?" Natsu asked.
Lyon shook his head. "I just need to tell him some things."
Natsu stared at him a moment longer, before understanding spread across his face. Perhaps he had made the connection to that conversation they had had so long ago. Or maybe not. Lyon was inclined to think that he hadn't since he wasn't really that bright, but it was hard to tell with him.
"That's good then," Natsu said, suddenly cheerful again. He gave Lyon a grin and an encouraging thumbs up. "Good luck."
Well, apparently he remembered the conversation after all. Lyon wasn't sure if he should be grateful or want to whack the other mage over the head for being so weirdly annoying. Natsu tended to have that effect on people.
Gray looked back and forth between Lyon and Natsu for a few moments, and then a strange mixture of comprehension and resignation settled over his features. He couldn't possibly know what exactly was going on here, but apparently he'd managed to at least guess the gist of it.
"Alright," he said. "Shall we?"
Lyon nodded and settled for giving Natsu some kind of awkward smile-and-shrug combo, and the two ice mages headed for the doors. Lyon paused outside the building and stared at Gray, trying to marshal his thoughts. He had planned out this entire conversation already, but now that the time had come, he had conveniently forgotten it all. Even worse, he seemed to have completely lost his nerve. He opened his mouth, but no words came out.
Gray eyed him with a resigned wariness. "Walk with me?" he suggested.
Lyon hesitated but then nodded. Maybe walking would help calm his nerves a little, or at least give him something else to do while he worked up the courage to speak. So he and Gray set off down the street, ambling aimlessly as Gray waited quietly for Lyon say his piece.
"I don't bite," Gray said finally, after they had walked down an entire street and turned the corner. He frowned at the ground. "You might as well spit it out."
"Yeah." Lyon let out a breath and resolutely forged onward. "It's just…" He sighed. "I guess there are some things I've kind of always meant to say, but I've never said them. It's kind of awkward, you know?"
Gray nodded his silent acknowledgment, still staring at the ground. He slipped his hands into his pockets and plodded onward stoically, waiting for Lyon to continue.
"It's probably going to sound kind of stupid, but…I've put it off for a long time," Lyon muttered. Maybe the younger mage had the right idea—Lyon found it easier to look at the ground than at Gray. "I feel like things are usually fine between us and we've done great without a bunch of sentimental bullshit. So, you know, it doesn't usually seem like a big deal, because why bring up stupid crap when everything is already going great?"
Lyon forced himself to stop rambling for a moment. He was definitely stalling, trying to avoid getting to the point. It was time to get his act together.
"But then things stop going great," he said, his lips tightening. "You always run off and manage to get yourself completely messed up. You'll do something like try to use…try to use iced shell…" He swallowed hard but rallied. "Or you'll disappear for seven years and I'll think you're dead, or I'll have to watch you actually die so that it's only a miracle that you're alive again at all, or you'll–you'll get hit by a curse and I'll have to watch you suffer so much and have terrible seizures and cough up blood and–"
He broke off and blinked back tears, sucking in a shuddering breath in a vain attempt to calm himself. When he spoke again, he tried and failed to keep the waver out of his voice.
"And I'll think that you're dead. But you somehow manage to come back again, but you're not–not the same, and it's terrible because you don't remember us and you're so unhappy and everything is a mess. And I thought–I really thought that I was going to lose you for good last time. I mean, I always do, every time, but last time was even more real, somehow. Because even when you came back, you didn't really–you didn't really come back. And God, when you were yourself for a few minutes and you were just saying goodbye, and it was terrible and–and I couldn't do anything. I never can. I always want to, but I can't do anything and I just have to watch you die and–"
Lyon stopped short when Gray reached out and grabbed his arm. He looked up, startled, to see Gray watching him with sad, pained eyes. The two of them paused right in the middle of the street, ignoring the irritation of passersby trying to get around them. Gray carefully wiped away the tears that Lyon was only half-aware he'd been shedding.
"Lyon," Gray said quietly, "it's okay. Breathe. Deep breaths."
Lyon tried, he really did. The mostly calm and detached introduction he'd planned out had devolved into an anguished, blubbering mess, and this wasn't the tone he had wanted to set for the conversation. He tried to pull himself together, to even out his too-rapid heaving breaths and put a stop to the tears, but it was easier said than done.
"I–I just–"
"Take a second," Gray murmured. "I'll still be here when you calm down."
Lyon nodded jerkily and started walking again, needing the motion and distraction to help himself settle back down. Gray followed his lead and walked by his side, and the two of them ghosted silently through the streets for a few minutes until Lyon could get a handle on his out of control emotions again. He couldn't let them derail this conversation.
"I missed you," he said finally, taking a deep breath and trying to keep his voice steady.
"I know," Gray replied softly.
"I missed you every time. Every time." Lyon let out a breath, and Gray lowered his head further as he stared at the ground with narrowed eyes. "And every time, I regretted not telling you certain things. Every time you came back again, I put it off and convinced myself that it could wait until later. But this time… This time I'm actually going to say it."
Some of his grief melted into resolute determination as he prepared to say his piece, but then he caught sight of Gray and paused. If Erza had thought that Lyon looked like he was going to his own execution earlier, it was Gray who had that look now. The younger mage's mouth was set in a grim line, and his expression was a strange mixture of reluctant apprehension and resignation.
"Gray, are you–?"
Gray looked up and tried to smile, although it came out melancholy and strained. "Go on," he said, forcing his grim expression into a more neutral one.
Lyon hesitated a moment longer, but decided to forge on. He was starting to think that maybe a good part of Gray's melancholy and resignation was just coming from the fact that he didn't like to see Lyon upset and knew that things were going to get worse. Or perhaps it was just because he was still as awkward with heart-to-hearts as Lyon was.
"You can be really annoying," Lyon said after a moment, glancing away again. "And sometimes we rub each other the wrong way and we always fight a lot. But…" He swallowed. "But it's like you said, isn't it? Back when you–when you found your memories for a few minutes. Despite all of that—or maybe because of all of that—you were always a good friend, and then a good brother, and I…I wanted to tell you that back then but I was too much of a mess to form the words and you were in a hurry because you were losing everything again and I–I didn't exactly say it. So yeah, you've always been like a brother to me and I've always loved you like one.
"Well, there was that hiccup after Ur…" He trailed off to collect himself again and Gray stayed quiet, still focused on the ground at his feet as he walked.
Lyon tried to figure out how to say what was on his mind, but his thoughts were all mixed up in a chaotic jumble. Gray seemed to sense it, and gave him time to pull himself together. They walked in silence for a couple minutes, until Lyon found a place to start and thought that he might be calm enough to get through this now. Mimicking Gray's posture, he shoved his hands in his pockets and stared blankly at the ground. Somehow it was easier if he wasn't looking directly at Gray while he talked.
"When you went running off to Isvan without telling us and we followed you…" Lyon sighed heavily, forcing himself to think back to those few terrifying, heartbreaking days when he and Natsu and Happy had gone chasing after Gray with barely a hope of finding him. "Well, we stopped by Brago because we thought you might go there. I know we told you that."
Once things had calmed down more, they'd all had a good laugh at how they'd managed to just miss each other as they went to the same places but out of order and at different times. They had all shared notes about their respective journeys and had been transparent about the places they had gone and the things they had done, but Gray had certainly glossed over some of the details and hadn't ever really explained his thought process, and Lyon had done much the same in some respects. Well, now he felt like coming clean about part of it.
"I thought that I'd mostly be kind of upset because of how Ur…how she died there. Bad memories and all that," he said in a low voice. "And yeah, it definitely stirred up some of those memories, but once I got there and started looking around, there was something else that bothered me even more. I just… I don't know. It's like I couldn't stop thinking about how after she died, I told you it was your fault and was really cruel and then just left you there, even though I knew that I was really the only person you had left.
"And I… Did I ever tell you that I was sorry?" Lyon frowned at the ground and hunched his shoulders. "I don't think I actually did. I'm sorry about everything I said and did back then, and I'm sorry that I left you when you needed me. I'm sorry I blamed you for something that wasn't your fault. And I'm sorry that I managed to hang on to all that hate and hurt for so long, and that I hurt you and your friends on Galuna and tried to resurrect Deliora and almost got you killed. And I–" His voice wavered. "I'm sorry that I couldn't do more all those times I lost you. I wanted to be able to help but I couldn't, and I wish that I could have done something.
"I guess… I guess I just want to make sure that you know I'm sorry for all the wrong I've done by you, and that I really don't blame you for anything that happened, and that I–I love you and you mean the world to me." Lyon let out a shuddering breath. "I needed to tell you that because I need to know that you know all of it. I want you to know that. And maybe it seems silly to bring it all up now, but I almost lost you for good last time, and if I lose you again then I want to be completely sure that you really understand everything you mean to me."
He fell silent and stared at the ground moodily, racking his brain to see if he could find anything else to say. He got the feeling that he hadn't been exactly eloquent here, and was a little worried that he hadn't managed to convey everything that he wanted to express. The words didn't seem to be enough and they certainly didn't reflect the true depth of what he was feeling, but he didn't know what else to say. He searched for the right words but came up empty.
"I don't know what you're so worried about," Gray said when the silence dragged on for several long seconds. Lyon glanced up in surprise. Gray's eyes were still trained on the ground, but then he finally looked over and met Lyon's gaze steadily, his eyes unreadable. "You're talking like I'm going to keel over any minute now. Relax. I'm hard to kill." He raised an eyebrow. "Like a cockroach."
The absurdity of the statement made Lyon want to laugh, but he frowned in bewilderment instead, because it sounded familiar. Something that distinctive should certainly stick in his memory. Where had he heard it before?
Lyon's eyes widened in sudden understanding and he gaped at Gray in disbelief. "That– Natsu told me that," he stammered, trying to figure out what was going on here. "Way back in the beginning after they'd first brought you back from the void."
That had, in fact, been the exact conversation that had prompted Lyon to get his act together and have this little chat with Gray today. But at the time, Gray had only been back from the void for a couple days, and still had zero memories and no interest in much of anything. He shouldn't know about that conversation, but Lyon was having a hard time believing that such a distinctive statement could be repeated now through a simple coincidence.
"He did," Gray agreed, eyeing Lyon with a mixture of melancholy and amusement.
"But you– How would you– What?"
Gray chuckled quietly, but it tapered off into a sigh. "You guys had a habit of forgetting that I was even there because I was so quiet back then. You'd forget about me or assume that I wasn't listening, but sometimes I was. It's true that I didn't really care about a whole lot back then so I wasn't always listening, but when I was paying attention, my hearing worked just fine."
"You…heard everything Natsu and I said that time?" Lyon asked, stunned. Gray nodded. "All of it?"
Gray nodded again. "I believe I even asked Natsu about it afterwards, because I could tell how unhappy you were."
"When I walked into the guild today and said that I wanted to talk to you, you knew it was about this?"
"I had my suspicions."
Lyon was so distracted staring at Gray that he almost walked straight into an oncoming pedestrian. He hastily tried to apologize, but the aggrieved man just shot him a death glare and rushed off, obviously in a hurry. Gray snorted in amusement, dragging Lyon's attention back to the matter at hand.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Lyon grumbled. "You could have saved me a lot of trouble if you'd just said that you'd already overheard everything."
Gray looked away again. "Because you needed to say the words, didn't you? Would you have been satisfied if you came here to tell me this today and I just waved you off and said that I knew it all already?"
"No, I suppose not." Lyon grimaced faintly. The whole point of this endeavor had been to actually come out and say all the things he hadn't said over the years. If he had failed to say them now, he wouldn't be any better off than he had been before.
"You're right," Gray said with a sigh, "you haven't told me most of those things before. But you also didn't need to. Honestly, you might not have ever spelled things out word for word, but you've always made things clear in the way you've treated me. You don't have anything to feel bad about. I've always known these things, Lyon."
He paused and grimaced. "Well, I guess I couldn't really know them after I came back from the void, but as long as I've had my memories, I've known all that. I'm sorry that I forgot for a while."
"It wasn't your fault," Lyon said quickly.
He didn't like that Gray was apologizing for something he had no control over. Gray had seemed to revert mostly back to normal after recovering his memories, but sometimes he acted in ways that betrayed the fact that he still felt bad about everything he had put them all through. And while that was understandable, no one wanted him to feel guilty for something that had never been his fault to begin with.
"No," Gray agreed, "it wasn't." He glanced over at Lyon and smiled sadly. "But it still hurt anyway, didn't it?"
Lyon swallowed thickly, unable to deny that. Of course it had hurt. It had hurt to see Gray reduced to an empty shell, had hurt to know that he wasn't the same and couldn't remember anything, and had certainly hurt that he had been so wary of Lyon.
"Well yes, but–"
"I know that it wasn't my fault," Gray interrupted quietly. "But I also never meant to hurt you, and I'm sorry that I did. I never—never—would have looked at you like that if I had my memories. It's not my fault, but I'm sorry anyway because I could see exactly how much it hurt you and I never wanted that."
Lyon's hands curled into helpless fists. He could tell that Gray still felt bad, still felt guilty despite everything, even though he was trying not to be obvious about it. And if Gray didn't want Lyon to hurt, Lyon certainly didn't want Gray to hurt either.
"It wasn't always that bad," Lyon said. "You started warming up to me after a while. You gave me a second chance and you were willing to try to rebuild our relationship, or something like it, even though you didn't remember me and I made you uncomfortable. And that meant a lot, that you were willing to do that despite everything. Really, there's nothing to be sorry for. I've done worse to you."
He grimaced. "You lost all your memories and your entire sense of self. You didn't have a choice in the matter. So what was my excuse after Ur died? I still had my memories and understood myself. And maybe I couldn't quite forget how much you had meant to me, but I could still hate you and blame you for something that had never been your fault. You don't need to feel bad, Gray. It doesn't even compare to what I did to you."
Gray didn't respond immediately. He sidestepped a cracked portion of the pavement and turned a corner, glancing up for just a moment to peer at his pale face reflected in a shop window before staring down at his feet again.
"I don't suppose you've figured out what I was doing yet, back when I returned from my impromptu road trip and spent a good few minutes sizing you up before I pieced together my memory," he said finally, his voice even. It wasn't quite a question.
Lyon stared at him even though the younger mage kept his gaze fixed resolutely on the ground. The sudden change of topic confused him. He certainly knew what Gray was talking about, but he didn't understand what it had to do with anything. He could still remember his fear and confusion and worry when Gray had burst into the guild hall, made a beeline straight for him, and spent a good while staring at him like he was trying to solve a puzzle. It hadn't helped that there had been a new wariness in Gray's eyes, something Lyon hadn't seen since those first few weeks after his brother's return from the void. He had been able to tell that something had changed, that Gray was looking at him differently again, and it had frightened him because he hadn't thought that he could handle it if Gray went back to looking at him like a 'screamer'.
He had later asked what that had been about, but Gray had brushed it off as unimportant and changed the subject. Gray hadn't had many problems talking about his time as an amnesiac since the return of his memory, but he didn't much like talking about how his mind had worked or what he had been thinking and feeling. Lyon got the feeling that although part of it was because Gray was still coming to terms with everything that had happened, part of it might be because he didn't want them to know what he had been thinking for fear that they wouldn't like it. Lyon couldn't say anything for sure, but he might be about to find out some of it.
"No," he managed, staring at Gray's bowed head apprehensively.
Gray remained silent for a moment longer before sighing. "After I puzzled out my parents, I went to Brago. While I was there, I eventually found a memory of…Ur's death. Super vivid and everything. Anyway, I remembered you yelling and blaming me and leaving, and it kind of threw me for a loop because it was so different from the side of you I'd gotten used to. When I visited Ur's cabin, I looked for something to help me reconcile who I'd seen in that memory with who I'd known since the void. I didn't find it, exactly, but unlike some of the other people I was trying to piece together, you were still alive.
"So when I went back to Fairy Tail, I looked for you first. I mean, everything since the void pointed to the fact that you had cared about me and you'd been nice enough, but you had been so different in that memory that I had to wonder if I was missing something. Like, were you really all that nice, or were you maybe not really as close to Gray—to me—as I'd thought you were?"
Lyon winced. That hurt, but maybe he deserved it.
"And then I realized that it didn't matter."
Lyon's head jerked up in surprise and he stared at Gray uncomprehendingly. After a moment, Gray sighed and finally met his eyes again.
"What do you mean?" Lyon asked.
"I mean…" Gray frowned a little and went back to looking at the ground, kicking absently at a small rock and watching it clatter away down the street. "The things you'd said and done in that memory didn't really matter and looking for a way to reconcile you with that boy didn't matter, because Gray had–" He broke off with a grimace. "I had forgiven you. You'd forgiven me for what I'd done, I'd forgiven you for what you'd done, and I didn't need to worry about all those things because in the end, you were still my brother."
Lyon gaped at him. "I– You–?"
"And if you were my brother then you were my family, weren't you?" Gray continued as if Lyon hadn't tried to say anything. "So if you were family and you were grouped with Ur, then she must have been family too. I hadn't even really considered that because I didn't really understand what family meant, to be honest. I mean, I knew the word and the dictionary definition, but the real meaning behind it? Not so much. I'd maybe started understanding a little when I puzzled out my parents, but not enough. My parents made sense as family because they were biologically family, and I'd left it at that. But if you and Ur were family too, and my parents were as well, then Fairy Tail had to be family too, didn't they? Because surely that was what all three of those groups had in common.
"That was what really got me started on the train of thought that led me to making the connection between who I was then and who I was before, which is how I got my memories back. And honestly, that experience of trying to figure out how to meld two 'versions' of you helped even more than that, because that was what I was trying to do with myself, wasn't it? I was trying to figure out how Gray and I could possibly be the same person when we were so different, and I think that being able to accept that you had changed but stayed the same person is what really helped me accept that about myself too.
"So it seems kind of silly when you keep saying that you couldn't help me. Okay, so you couldn't do anything when I was hit by the curse. So what? It wasn't like anyone else could do anything either. Even if you can somehow ignore the fact that you spent months here trying to take care of me and teach me magic and fix my memory despite how hard I made it for you, it's hard to ignore the fact that you played a huge role in that final revelation I needed to make."
Lyon let out a shaky breath. This was the most he'd ever heard Gray talk about his thought process from when he hadn't had his memories. It was a little sad because he could practically feel how confused and frustrated Gray must have been, but at the same time it was something of a relief to finally get that insight. And although Lyon had necessarily done anything to help at that point, it was good to know that something about him had helped trigger Gray's understanding of himself. Maybe it helped just a little bit to know that.
"I…I'm sorry," Lyon whispered finally. "But I'm glad that it helped some."
Gray glanced over to frown at him. "You still aren't getting it, are you?"
"Getting what?" Lyon asked in confusion.
"Look, I heard everything you said to Natsu back then, and everything you've said today. For some reason you're still stuck on this not being able to help me thing. God, you should hear yourself, Lyon. 'Oh, and I just always have to watch you die and I can never do anything about it and all I want to do is help, but I can't.'" Gray shook his head. "I can't believe you can possibly overlook everything you've done. You might not have been able to save me from Acnologia or the dragonlings or Memento Mori, but you've saved me from something much more important."
Lyon tried to process that. Yeah, he still felt a little bad about how abysmally he'd failed Gray up to this point, although he could admit that he had certainly done some good this time around during Gray's recovery process. But that couldn't be what Gray was talking about here, and Lyon didn't understand what he might have saved Gray from that was worse than all the things he'd 'died' from before.
"I don't understand," he said slowly.
"Lyon, after Ur died and you left me, I always waited for you," Gray said quietly.
Lyon's heart twisted painfully. He didn't want to hear that. He hadn't waited for Gray, hadn't gone looking for Gray, hadn't really forgiven Gray. Sure, he'd wondered what had happened to Gray from time to time and he'd never been able to totally forget what the younger mage had meant to him, but he had mostly hated Gray whenever he'd thought about him at all.
"I–"
"It wasn't like I was expecting you to seek me out so that we could have a big happy family reunion," Gray interrupted, narrowing his eyes slightly. "And I don't think I was fully aware that I was waiting for you at all, but I was. I always wanted to know what had happened to you, wanted to know that you were okay even after everything that had happened. I guess I wanted to see you again to make sure of that, even though I was kind of scared of that possibility at the same time because I knew you'd still hate me. But I felt bad about what I'd done and I still loved you despite everything, and I wanted to know that you were alright."
"I'm sorry," Lyon breathed.
What could he say to that? All he could think about was what he had done on Galuna to completely wreck their reunion. Gray shouldn't have waited on him, because Lyon had never been planning on coming back for him and had made sure to make his life hell when they had finally met again.
"Galuna hurt," Gray said, shrugging. He hunched his shoulders a little more and stared downwards blankly. "But at the same time, I got to see you again. It hurt to see what you'd been doing and I hated fighting you, but it's not like I had expected you to be happy to see me."
Lyon's heart broke a little at that, knowing that Gray had wanted to see him so badly but had known that he would be unwanted and unloved if that ever happened.
"I'm so sorry," the older mage repeated.
Gray glanced over, and his eyes were covered with the faint sheen of unshed tears. "But you came back for me," he said quietly, his voice wavering slightly.
Lyon stared at him uncomprehendingly, and then felt even worse. "No, I didn't," he whispered, shame and regret coloring his voice. "I didn't know you'd come there and I didn't want you there. It was a coincidence, and it almost got you killed."
"Not Galuna," Gray corrected, shaking his head. "Afterwards. I mean, we went to go fight Oración Seis and you were just there and you were being an annoying little brat like when we were kids and you were acting like you didn't hate me anymore, and it wasn't a coincidence. You knew Fairy Tail was sending people. You could have stayed away to avoid me in case I was one of the ones they sent, but you came anyway."
No, that time hadn't been a coincidence. Lyon had volunteered for that mission because when he heard that Fairy Tail would be one of the guilds to send help, he had hoped that Gray might be one of the mages coming. After Galuna he'd had time to come to terms with some things and think things through, and he'd started feeling bad about how he'd treated Gray, both as kids and on the damn island. He hadn't been entirely sure what he was expecting by trying to see Gray again, but he hadn't been able to help himself.
"I wasn't really expecting a warm welcome after Galuna," Lyon muttered, biting his lip.
"But you came anyway," Gray said in a low voice, looking away again. "And I didn't know what to expect or how I should act around you, but we worked it out. And when you went over that cliff with Racer and his bomb, I thought that I'd lost you just as soon as I'd finally gotten a chance to maybe get you back again. I searched for you in all that rubble and couldn't find you, and I thought you were dead. And I hadn't been able to do a thing about it."
Lyon's eyes widened. He hadn't really thought about it that way before. He'd known he wasn't dead and Gray had seemed collected and unsurprised when he'd showed up again, so he hadn't even realized that maybe there had been more hurt there. Lyon had had to watch Gray 'die' too many times, and it hadn't really occurred to him that maybe Gray had felt just as helpless and grief-stricken about him.
He opened his mouth, but Gray just shook his head sharply as if trying to get himself back on track, and continued speaking.
"My friends didn't fully realize it at the time, and they still don't completely understand exactly how messed up I was after everything with my parents and Ur," Gray said, clearing his throat. "Maybe you have a better idea, but still… It was really bad. I blamed myself—and I would have still done it even if you hadn't said anything—and I felt alone and unhappy and I…I really hated myself for a while there."
Lyon winced. "Gray–"
"I mean, it started getting a little better over time," Gray continued conversationally, ignoring Lyon. "Fairy Tail really helped me a lot, even if I didn't make it easy on them. Things weren't as bad as they were in the beginning, but in all honesty, I never really got over it. I was happy sometimes, I didn't brood over things constantly, but there were times when I was really unhappy and I'd hate myself for getting her killed and almost getting you killed and generally wrecking everything."
"You didn't–" Lyon broke off when the younger mage finally looked up at him again. Despite the evenness of Gray's tone, his eyes were swimming with tears. "Gray…"
"But even after everything I did, after all the mistakes I made, you eventually came back for me," Gray whispered, his voice breaking as his tears finally spilled over. He swiped at them hurriedly, as if he didn't really want Lyon to see them. "You never really said that you forgave me, but I could tell. I could tell. And I thought that–I thought that if you, who maybe had the most reason to hate me out of anyone, could forgive me, then maybe I could forgive myself too."
Gray stopped right in the middle of the street, his hands trembling violently as he futilely scrubbed at his tears. Lyon stopped as well and had to forcibly swallow back some tears of his own. He felt like he needed to do something, needed to find some way to give his brother comfort, but he didn't know what to do. He almost wrapped Gray in a hug right there even though they certainly weren't the hugging type, but the younger mage sucked in a breath and kept talking.
"And I really, really needed that," Gray breathed, his gaze sliding off to the side. "It's what helped me finally start letting go of some things, I think. You don't understand exactly how self-destructive I was, Lyon. So it sounds so wrong when you act like you've never been able to do anything, because maybe it was always other things and other people that saved me from death and curses and all that, but you… You and Fairy Tail saved me from myself, and I'm sure that someone's going to say I'm an idiot for thinking this way, but to me, that's so much more important than any of the rest of it. I'd take the dragonlings or the curse any day over going back to the way I was then, because if I can't live a life where I can accept myself, I don't see the point in living at all. Hell, I barely saw the point back then, but you and Fairy Tail showed me how to find it again.
"You aren't the only one who didn't say all the things you should have. I always–I always wanted to say thank you, because you came back and it meant the world to me. It really did."
Lyon let out a shaky breath. Maybe Natsu had been right after all, back in Brago when he'd said that even if they'd made mistakes when it came to Gray, they'd eventually come back and tried to set things right. And yeah, that didn't erase what they'd done, but they'd fought to make things up to Gray, and that had to count for something. Just like, he realized, Gray had fought to make things up to them in his own way when he'd thought that he'd wronged them too. Both Lyon and Gray had made mistakes, but like Gray had said, they'd forgiven each other and were forgiving themselves, and maybe that was what mattered.
"You are stupid," Lyon murmured, eyeing Gray sadly. "Your life is always worth living."
"Yeah." Gray's voice was subdued. "I know that now. There was a point where I wasn't entirely sure, but it's been a long time since then. A very long time."
Lyon didn't know what to say to that, but he needed to say something. Something meaningful and comforting that might help Gray feel better about everything. He wasn't sure how good a job he could do, but he'd try.
"I came back because I felt like I owed you something, that maybe I should try making up for how I treated you, even if I wasn't quite sure if we could rebuild our relationship or even if I really wanted to," he said finally. "But I stayed because you were worth staying for. And you know, I've never regretted that choice. You shouldn't have needed me in order to start forgiving yourself because I'd like to think that you can see all the same things in yourself that I see when I look at you, but if I helped then I'm glad of it."
He hesitated a moment longer and then reached out to Gray almost instinctively, but the younger mage stepped back. Lyon bit his lip and dropped his hand, but Gray just swiped a sleeve across his face to remove any lingering traces of tears and then gave the older mage an impish grin. Lyon was dumbfounded. After how emotional this whole conversation had been, Gray was now smirking like nothing had even happened.
"See, that's what I've been telling you—you helped," Gray said cheerfully. "And now I want revenge for all those hours of molding lessons you put me through with all your 'helping', so it seems like now is as good a time as any to show you how to make proper cocoa like I said I would. You know, since we're already here…"
He gestured behind Lyon. Turning, Lyon realized that they had stopped right in front of Gray's apartment. He shook his head. Maybe he shouldn't be surprised—they had always sucked at emotional stuff, so it was hardly a shock that Gray had decided to lighten the atmosphere—but it was a little funny that they'd just happened to stop in front of his apartment without noticing. Unless…
"You led us here on purpose, didn't you?" Lyon accused.
Gray laughed. "Maybe. I figured it would be a rough conversation, and hot chocolate makes everything better."
Lyon rolled his eyes and shook his head again. "You can be awfully sneaky when you want to be."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Gray said, his eyes widening in mock innocence before he ruined the effect by snickering. Slipping past Lyon, he headed for his apartment. "I hope you'll be a better student than I was," he added ruefully.
Lyon winced at the reminder of how terribly those first magic lessons had gone. But that hadn't really been Gray's fault, and Lyon would humor his little brother for now if he had to. He followed the younger man into the apartment, resolving to set aside his raging emotions for the moment if that was what Gray wanted.
"Well, we had to start from scratch with you," he said. "Luckily I'm already a superb maker of cocoa, so this should be a breeze."
"A 'superb maker of cocoa'?" Gray asked with a laugh, flipping on the light and heading for the kitchen. "Since when did you talk like you swallowed a dictionary? Besides, that's hardly an accurate description, you poor, deluded fool. Even Natsu agreed that my hot chocolate was far superior to yours, even if he thought the comparison to ditch water was a little harsh."
"Ditch water?" Lyon asked, aghast. "You compared my hot chocolate to ditch water?"
Okay, so maybe his cocoa had never been all that great, but ditch water? That was just insulting.
Gray chuckled. "I didn't have any memories. Therefore, it wasn't my fault and I bear no responsibility for the things I may or may not have said."
"That isn't a proper excuse. Besides, look me in the eye and tell me that you don't still think the same thing now."
Gray had been pulling ingredients out of the pantry, but now paused to give Lyon a deadpan look. "Your hot chocolate tastes like ditch water," he said flatly. "Dirty ditch water."
"You're so mean," Lyon muttered, swallowing a smile.
Gray just laughed and went back to finding everything he needed. And because Lyon really did make terrible hot chocolate, he actually paid attention when Gray started his demonstration. The little lesson stayed upbeat because they were both tired of the heavy emotional stuff, and if it was still weighing on Gray then he didn't show it. The silence was mostly filled with teasing and joking, and time flew.
"Wow, this is actually...adequate," Lyon said as he sipped at the finished product.
"By which you mean that it's way better than yours but you don't want to admit it."
"You wish," he grumbled, even though Gray was right.
Gray laughed. "Why don't we go sit out on the couch?"
Lyon shrugged and followed Gray back to the living room, settling down on the couch next to him. It was more comfortable than the kitchen, anyway.
"Hey, Lyon?" Gray frowned down at his mug as he swirled its contents around absently.
"What?" Lyon asked, wondering why he suddenly sounded so serious again.
Gray stayed silent for a moment longer. "It's been nice having you around. Thank you for staying so long."
"Of course. I was always going to stay until we figured something out. You would have done the same for me."
Gray glanced up, sudden mischief sparking in his eyes. "Well…I would have had to think about it first, but I might've shown up eventually."
Lyon raised an eyebrow. "By which you mean that you would have come for me as soon as you heard something had happened, stayed until the very end, and fought for me until you found a way to fix things. But you don't want to admit it."
"Yeah," Gray said with a tired chuckle that tapered off into a yawn. "That sounds about right."
The conversation turned back to lighter topics after that—a little teasing and some discussion of what Lyon would do when he went back to Lamia Scale and what they thought might be going on with Fairy Tail's missing master. The teasing started dying down after a time though, if only because Gray was becoming more and more subdued. Maybe he hadn't gotten enough sleep last night, because he was looking exhausted now that the earlier excitement had calmed down. Come to think of it, he had gained a new tendency to start looking rather tired every few days. It probably wasn't a big deal, but at this point Lyon just kept up a quiet string of chatter and waited for Gray to fall asleep.
The younger mage was certainly fighting it, but his yawns were becoming more frequent, his blinking was becoming slower, and his mug wobbled dangerously in his hand.
"You could just take a nap if you're that tired, you know," Lyon remarked finally.
"I'm not tired," Gray mumbled around another yawn. He scowled at his body's betrayal.
Lyon just chuckled quietly and came up with all the most boring, pointless things to talk about in as soothing a voice as possible, until Gray finally couldn't resist temptation anymore. Lyon smirked as Gray's eyes finally closed and stayed closed, his head lolling back. He must have been really tired after all. Lyon carefully unwrapped Gray's slack fingers from around the handle of the mug and set the mostly empty container on the coffee table.
Leaning back, he studied Gray's sleeping face for a moment as he decided what he should do now. Then Gray mumbled something in his sleep that drifted into a sigh and shifted slightly, somehow ending up leaning on Lyon's shoulder. Well, that was that. It looked like Lyon was staying here, unless he wanted to try manhandling Gray to the bedroom and hope he didn't wake the younger mage up. But he didn't want to risk waking Gray because he really looked like he could use the sleep, so Lyon sighed quietly and stayed put.
Noticing a blanket draped across the other arm of the couch, he reached out for it. Maybe Gray could handle the cold and didn't need it, but it couldn't hurt anything, especially since it was downright chilly in here. It was a little too far for him to be able to reach easily, so he had to lean over a little. The movement dislodged Gray, whose limp body ended up sliding over as well, and Lyon hurriedly wrapped an arm around him to keep him in place.
Lyon finally managed to snare the troublesome blanket and carefully slid back to a fully upright position, holding Gray steady as he did so. Gray sighed softly in his sleep and shifted slightly to accommodate the new position, curling against Lyon as his head rested against the older mage's chest and the fingers of one hand unconsciously tangled in Lyon's shirt, tightening reflexively for a moment before relaxing again. Lyon blinked down at him, debating whether or not to try moving him to a different position, but decided that he seemed perfectly content there. With a sigh, he managed to shake the blanket out with one hand and spread it over them.
Then he settled back to wait. He told himself it was just because he didn't want to wake up Gray, but the truth was that he didn't mind this so much. Maybe it would start getting uncomfortable eventually, but for now it was nice to just be able to hold Gray in a way that neither of them would stand for if they were both awake. Because Lyon would be leaving soon, and he wanted to hang on to Gray for as long as he could until then.
Gray looked awfully peaceful when he was asleep. That melancholy and tiredness and strain seemed to just melt away. Not that they were always easy to see since Gray had been trying to hide them, but… Although Gray had seemed to be in a generally good mood since he'd recovered his memory, Lyon sometimes thought he saw hints of something a little darker, a little sadder, in the younger mage's eyes. Maybe Lyon was imagining it. Or maybe Gray was hiding things.
Lyon absently ran a hand through Gray's hair, pondering the possibility that something might still be bothering him. Gray let out a contented sigh at the touch and snuggled closer, a faint almost-smile playing on his lips. Lyon felt the corners of his lips twitch upwards as well. He didn't know if there was anything wrong, but he'd worry about that later. For now he was content to relax and drift off to sleep with his little brother in his arms.
Note: Pretty standard, I guess. And man, that ending was cheesy and really fluffy (my God, I used the word "snuggled" x.x) but, uh, there are indeed reasons behind it. Why yes, they are rather angsty reasons. Do you even need to ask that by now? XD But yeah, I thought it would be good to tie up loose ends.
emmahoshi: In real life, I hate heart-to-hearts. In my writing, I live for them XD Yeah, everyone means well, but...lol Well, Gray will get his piece next chapter and they'll finally figure out what's going on. Testing your memory, ha ha. Well, I do like making references to earlier events and conversations. And yeah, forgiveness can be a pain in the neck and it sure isn't easy. Ha ha, I don't usually mix up what I said in which story, but sometimes I almost want to make those connections. Except I can't because they aren't explicitly linked :( Ha, no one actually carried anyone here, because yeah, it's harder than it sounds. I should've made Lyon try it and wake Gray up lol Ha ha, yeah, Gray's part is going to be really long, but it might not be as overwhelming because I made some "Interesting Stylistic Choices" to break it up a little XD