Santana was never really sure why she didn't actually enjoy sex. Yes, she liked being sexual, but sex itself, seemed like a huge burden. Then she wondered, why she did it. Maybe it was the attention... or the power... Santana was also never really sure what a crush was. She brushed it away as some sort of middle school myth that people had, just so that they could have boyfriends and then be popular. Santana always wondered what there was in a flat muscular chest and a chiseled jaw bone. It was in the choir room, where she sat in the top row alone where Santana wondered why she was so mean.
She often found herself alone in the top row. Chang and Chang would be cuddling in the front, Quinn and whatever boy she was clinging on to were plopped in the middle row. Sometimes Britt would come up with her, but not always. Britt seemed to forget about her sometimes. Laughing, with her arms wrapped around Artie. Artie. Now, Santana found herself thinking about how much she hated Artie. She brushed it off, knowing that it was just friendship jealousy.
Santana looked down at her hands, clasping her fingers around each other. Her mind went back to her burning question: why was she so mean? Maybe it was a power thing... or maybe it was just fun... Dr Phil said that people are normally mean because they are suppressing something. What could she be suppressing? She was hot, smart, had the entire dictionary of long insulting words at her fingertips, and could get any guy in school...
"Hey Hottie!" Santana looked up from her intertwined hands. She saw Brittney walking up the stairs, her hands in her uniform pockets. Santana felt her face getting hot and her heart thumping in her chest.
"Hey Britt!" said Santana patting the seat next to her.
"Oh, I'm sitting on Artie's lap today. It's softer than the chairs. I just came up to give you this." Brittany leaned over and planted a soft kiss on Santana's cheek, completely unaware of its effect.
"Thanks Britt," said Santana, breathlessly.
"What's a matter?" said Brittany, noticing Santana's stillness, not sure how to react.
"Um... Nothing Britt. Just mentally preparing myself to deal with Rachel's piercing voice."
"Ok. You can come on Artie's lap too if you want," she said, swinging her head.
"No thanks Britt. I'm fine up here," she said with a little laugh.
Brittany walked away down towards the wheelchair. Santana watched her leave and held her breath to see if Brittany would look back at her. Brittany didn't look back. Instead she planted a long kiss on Artie's lips. Suddenly Santana felt angry.
Santana walked up to her locker after APUSH still feeling pissed. The fact that she just had to sit through an hour lecture about white men didn't help. She opened her locker and put her books back. There were pictures covering the walls of Britt. She found herself standing there looking at the pictures, not moving.
"Dinner date tonight!"
Santana turned around and saw her blonde bestie swinging her ponytail. She snapped out of her frozen gaze, forgetting momentarily that she had nearly admitted her love for Brittany to herself.
"Yeah, of course! Pick you up at seven," she said still breathless.
"Why do you look so sad?"
"Nothing Britt. I'm just a little confused about something... it doesn't matter. Dinner tonight is just what I need," she said, forcing a smile.
As Santana watched Britney walk away Santana had one of her questions answered. Yes she always wondered what having a crush was, and never understood it when her friends talked about it. But the happiness that she got knowing that she would share a dinner with Britney... maybe this was a crush.