AN:Another story! I promise everything in progress will get finished but I just couldn't stop myself.
This is based off of a GKM prompt which I will post here. Warning though, if you read the prompt it will spoil the story for you. That won't make it any less good, but if you like to be surprised, don't go read the prompt.
glee-kink-meme . livejournal 38839 . html ?thread= 51932343#t51932343
Thank you as always to my beta who is wonderful. Thank you also to the prompter I hope this goes in a place that you can enjoy.
If you have any questions PM me or find me on tumblr.
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Santana met Brittany a month after she started college. Brittany was a dancer at the other big university in the city. She ran into her while she was rushing through the bookstore trying to find a new jump drive. She had dropped hers in puddle. That actually fucking happened. But anyway, she literally ran into Brittany. She didn't know she was Brittany then. She knew she was a blonde, that she just sent flying to the floor along with her books, and she was about to go all Lima-Heights on this bitch, she needs to watch where she's going. Until the girl on the floor looked up. Eyes like that could stop a girl in her tracks. She reached her hand for the blonde to help her up. When their hands touched Santana almost pulled her hand back because there was a spark. A real, I can feel it in my whole arm, spark. But she didn't and Brittany clasped her hand and got back to her feet. And that was how they met.
Through the briefest of conversations (because Santana really was in a hurry) she found out that Brittany was a dance major and was here to see if the IT desk upstairs could fix her computer. Santana quickly jotted her phone number down and told her that if they couldn't to give her a call. She had an affinity for computers. Spending hours in secret on hers was one way she had distracted herself from a life she wasn't particularly proud of or happy to have.
Her father cheated on her mother when she was a baby. She thinks he must have felt guilty because he's been sending her money way above and beyond the call of child support but he couldn't have felt guilty enough to actually spend time with her. Her mother was bitter, clearly. She had not been in another relationship again. When Santana was younger her mother had a lot of male friends. But by the time Santana was in high school and her mother was more her friend than a mother anyway, she understood the men for what they were. Fuck buddies.
Santana didn't spend her entire life in turmoil and confusion over her sexuality. It was more of a realization that she had sometime in 9th grade when she was watching one of the senior cheerleaders show them the new routine. She was gay. But she was also smart (a few years later she would actually say incredibly dumb) and knew she would never climb the social ladder if she just came out as a lady lover. A year later her lack of attraction to men was starting to become obvious. She was probably the only virgin left in her circle of friends and people were asking questions. But everything in her life was calculated, and it wasn't like she didn't predict this would happen. So out of necessity a plan developed.
She had a friend. His name was Matt and they had been friends for years, but kind of in secret. In private they played video games and ate bad food every weekend. In public she was the future head cheerleader and he was the future quarterback and they were mildly familiar with each other. So she paused her game the next Saturday, turned to him and told him that she thought they should sleep together. Of course he agreed. She was hot. He was a boy.
In hindsight it was really weird. They scheduled it for the next Saturday. She scheduled the loss of her virginity. At least she didn't lose it to the highest bidder. A fact that, years later, would be one of the only things she could respect about the situation (and herself for causing said situation). But she thinks it probably went as well as it could have. He was excited. He took her on a date even though she said it wasn't necessary. He was sweet and gentle during and it clearly meant a lot more to him than it did to her. She didn't hate it. It didn't feel bad, she guessed. It wasn't magic and it kind of solidified that she really wished she could be in bed with a pretty girl. All soft and curves. When she went home that night she curled up in her bed and watched a movie. When she cried that night, she swore (even though she was the only person in the room) that it was because the ending of the movie had been sad.
The negative side effect was that she kind of lost her best friend. Things got weird after that when she didn't want to date him. So video game weekends went away and she spent a lot of time in her room alone on her computer, making up lies about college parties she would go to. She made the decision to sleep with exactly three more guys. All to prove a point. All made her retreat a little more inside of herself. By her senior year she was head cheerleader and it gave her a little more room to care less. Not that she was going to come out or anything. It wasn't worth the effort at that point. She was focused on college. Because that was a chance to start over.
Start over she did. When she met her roommate the first thing she said to her was "Hi. I'm Santana and I'm a lesbian." Done. Her roommate cocked an eyebrow at her and said ok. And that was it. It occurred to her at some point that week that she had no actual idea how to hit on women. She thought by the end of week one she would have at the very least made out with a girl already.
While things weren't going particularly well in that department, everything else was wonderful. She loved her classes. She was even making actual friends. So she could take the hit in the romance department because pretty much everything else was going perfect. Until she dropped that jumpdrive, which by the way, cost her an assignment. But it gained her a girlfriend, so ultimately, she thinks she won.
It happened because Brittany did call her. Not about that particular computer problem specifically. Brittany had thousands of computer problems. Many of them to do with her attempts at illegally downloading music, as she did little else with her computer. Girl didn't even have Facebook. They met up at a café halfway between both of their schools. Santana couldn't tell the entire time if Brittany was flirting with her or if that was just Brittany (probably both) but her confusion ended when she caught Brittany pouting. "What's wrong?"
"You're not flirting back. I thought for sure you were at least a bicorn." Santana would like to think that she immediately turned on the charm but that's not totally true. She mostly just blushed and started to stutter. "Oh you are. You're just shy. Cute." Brittany has read her better than anyone since day one.
She's thankful that Brittany had the whole flirting and first moves with girls thing on lock because if it weren't for her things might have never progressed the way they did, or as quickly. It was after going to see a movie that Santana kissed a girl for the first time, and she hadn't even known it was a date (even though she paid). They were just standing outside talking and Santana was trying her best not to dissolve into awkward when Brittany just brushed Santana's hair out of her face, bent over, and pressed their lips gently together. It wasn't the up against the wall making out that she had originally planned she'd be doing by now, it was better. It was sweet, and simple, and perfect. Exactly how a first kiss should be. When Brittany pulled away Santana was left with her lips still parted, eyes still closed. She hadn't even released a breath yet. She was a little worried it wasn't real. That she'd open her eyes and she would be somewhere else entirely and completely alone. But she licked her lips and that was definitely not her lip gloss. She slowly opened her eyes and all she could see was bright blue eyes twinkling back at her. "Welcome back." Brittany said. And before Santana could get embarrassed for her reaction, Brittany's lips were on hers again. And she was sure nothing could be better than this.
They had known each other for three weeks, and seen each other nearly every day when Brittany asked her if they were girlfriends. Santana hadn't thought about it. She didn't really do relationships but she couldn't walk away from this. This girl was quickly becoming the best friend she ever had and she wasn't sure she could live her whole life never kissing her again. So she smiled through her nerves, and nodded. Brittany's answering smile took her breath away.
Her inexperience wasn't something she bragged about, or let on to anyone really. She suspected Brittany knew. But maybe not. All they had really done up to this point was kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. And while in the beginning maybe Brittany had been the aggressor, it was much more balanced now. She had slept in Brittany's room a few times by now and was amazed at how much she loved cuddling. It was another aspect of being intimate with someone that she had never enjoyed. But with Brittany it was natural. It would have felt unnatural to not be curled around her somehow.
Brittany had asked Santana if she wanted to stay with her for the weekend because her roommate was going to be out of town. Of course she said yes. In making plans for the weekend Brittany told her that her friends were going to an 18+ gay club not far from her dorms. They could easily walk. Santana had never been to a gay club and was eager to go so she agreed. It was awkward for only a very short time before Brittany pulled Santana out onto the dance floor and that's when the rest of the world kind of faded away.
After an hour of dancing Santana was more turned on that she had ever been in her entire life. Brittany's body moved in a way that could not be explained with words. Brittany must having similar thoughts because she leaned down and whispered into Santana's ear "Want to walk back now?"
They left and walked quickly back to Brittany's dorm room stopping occasionally to kiss because being apart made them both feel a little empty right now. When they finally got back to Brittany's room, Santana felt herself being pushed up against the closed door. They made out for hours. Maybe minutes but it felt like hours. It was messy and passionate and Santana felt like this was going somewhere they hadn't been yet. She wanted it. She knew that. She was wet and unbelievably turned on. Brittany used her leg to nudge Santana's apart before pressing her firm thigh between her legs. Santana couldn't help but roll her hips a little before nerves stopped her in her track. "Want you." Brittany whispered in her ear before sucking on her earlobe making Santana clench the fabric of Brittany's dress that she had been gripping.
"I-I-Brit" She tried to form a coherent thought but Brittany's lips on her neck were extremely distracting. "Wait." Brittany stilled immediately and pulled back to look at Santana who was looking very embarrassed.
"What's wrong?"
"I've never done this. With a girl." Brittany nodded her head in understanding.
"Does that mean you want to stop?"
"No. I am just worried about not knowing what to do." Brittany smiled sweetly at her before pressing a kiss to her lips, and then kissing a trail down her jaw line to her neck.
"Just let me make you feel good." Santana nodded because she didn't trust herself with words. Brittany kissed her again. Slower. And started guiding her towards the bed. Santana felt Brittany toying with the hem of her dress before lifting it slowly. They parted for the brief moment that Brittany needed to pull Santana's dress off over her head. As soon as the dress hit the floor their lips reconnect. Brittany put her hands on Santana's waist and stroked the newly exposed skin she found there. Santana's breath hitched at the sensation. Before this had all started she briefly wondered if sex with Brittany would be like the other sex she had. They weren't very far into it and she could already tell that wasn't going to be the case at all.
Brittany ran her hands to the small of Santana's back and then up her spine and without even a pause had the clasp of Santana's bra undone. Brittany pulled back and took a small step back guiding the bra straps to the ground so that Santana stood in front of Brittany naked aside from her very revealing underwear. Santana started to get a little self conscious under Brittany's gaze. As she was just about to cross her arms over her chest she heard Brittany breathe out "You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."
Santana was trying to find a response but she had been rendered momentarily speechless. Which turned into several more moments of speechlessness when Brittany whipped her dress off revealing that she had not worn a bra that night. One step towards her and Brittany had closed the gap between them and their lips reconnect. Santana couldn't stop herself from moaning at the feeling of all the naked skin now pressed against her. She felt Brittany toying with the band of her underwear before those began to slide down as well. Santana helped them the rest of the way off and was now completely naked.
Brittany gently pushed against Santana's hips guiding her down to the bed. Santana was starting to get embarrassed by how wet she already was. Brittany guided her onto her back further on the bed so that she could lay down completely with Brittany straddling her stomach. Santana felt like all of her skin was on fire in the best way possible. Brittany's hands leaving even hotter trails as they moved around the skin she had exposed to her. Santana could feel her hips moving of their own volition. Brittany could feel it too. She separated their lips once again, and her lips formed a sexy smile. She lifted herself up and rearranged her legs so that she could press her thigh into Santana's center. Santana's eyes widened and she let out a half gasp half moan that made Brittany smile even bigger.
Santana couldn't even help as her hips sped up, now grinding against Brittany's thigh. Brittany placed her hands on her hips and held them down gently. "No rush San. It's better if you take your time." Santana nodded trying to figure out exactly how to slow down when everything felt like it needed to happen right this second or she would explode. But then Brittany kissed her, a slow kiss that drew Santana's very breath right out of her, effectively distracting her from the burning need. The languid kiss seemed to go on for hours. And as far as Santana was concerned, could go on for hours more. But Brittany pulled away and started to leave gentle kisses down her neck. Occasionally she would suck or bite spots but it never stopped being gentle.
Santana's skin had just started getting used to the contact and not jumping with every kiss when Brittany started to move lower. She stopped breathing for a brief second when the kisses transitioned from upper chest to her breasts. She hadn't ever done this with a guy. It felt to intimate. But now, it just felt perfect and amazing. "Your skin is so soft." Brittany spoke reverently as she continued to lay kisses all over her breasts, but never touching her nipples which is exactly what Santana wanted her to do. Santana wove her fingers through Brittany's silky blonde hair.
"Britt" she whined. She couldn't even be embarrassed by how needy she sounded. She needed more desperately. Brittany looked her in the eyes before bending down and taking Santana's hard nipple between her lips. She gasped at the shot of pleasure that burned through her body straight to her core. She tightened her grip on Brittany's hair ever so slightly, urging Brittany to keep going. After several moments Santana felt like she was going to explode. "Please." She whined again.
"Please what baby?" Santana tried to form the words but failed as Brittany's lips had been replaced by fingers which were now pinching her nipples lightly. "Tell me Santana."
"Touch me." Brittany responded by leaning up and kissing her on the lips again. Santana thought for a second that Brittany was going to continue teasing her.
"Are you sure?" Santana nodded, the moment suddenly seeming a little more weighted and important than it had when they first started kissing and Santana got the inkling that things might be going in this direction. Brittany pressed her palm against Santana's rib cage before slowly pushing it down lower and lower until Santana could feel the tips of her fingers moving lightly over the top of her sex. Santana felt like she'd die if Brittany didn't touch her harder. She urged her hips into Brittany's hand looking for a firmer touch.
Brittany took the hint and dipped her finger between her swollen folds. "So wet." Santana had been self conscious about just how wet she was. She could feel herself practically dripping. "I love that you get this wet for me." And Santana could tell she wasn't lying. Not if Brittany's flushed cheeks and lust blown pupils were any indication.
Her hips were moving in a rhythm with Brittany's fingers. It was slow and sensual and Santana could feel herself building even further. She would pull her finger slowly down, circle her center, and then slowly back up to circle her clit, never touching it, just circling. "More Britt" Santana breathed out.
Brittany leaned down and husked "Do you want to feel me inside of you?" Right into Santana's ear causing Santana to moan loudly. Brittany took that as a yes and when her fingers made the journey back down to her center, instead of circling, they pushed inside. Santana felt all the air leave her body at the feeling of finally getting exactly what she needed. She threw her arms around Brittany's neck and back pulling her closer. Needing her pressed against her.
Brittany waited for a few seconds, letting Santana adjust to the fullness. Occasionally curling her fingers slightly making Santana gasp. As soon as Santana's hold let up on her slightly she started to work her fingers in and out slowly. When Santana's hips started to move in time with her hand again she started to move faster, scissoring her fingers. Santana had her eyes screwed shut and her head thrown back. But then she heard Brittany say "it's better if you open your eyes." So Santana did. And immediately she found Brittany's blue eyes staring back at her. "I want to make you come." Brittany told her.
Santana just nodded dumbly. But her eyes said please. And her body said I'm almost there. So Brittany curled her fingers on every thrust hitting a spot inside Santana that made her dig her nails into Brittany's skin. She then felt Brittany's finger press gently into her clit before making tight, quick circles. "Fuck" Santana hissed as she buried her face into the crook of Brittany's neck. Her hips moving quicker in time with Brittany's hand. "Brittany" She moaned. Just when she thought that these feelings couldn't possibly get any better, she felt a third finger entering her. It stretched her in the most amazing way. The thrusting slowed considerably but the fullness more than made up for it. What felt like seconds later, Santana could feel her orgasm building.
"Come for me Santana. Let go baby." And Santana did. With a half scream, half growl she lifted her hips off the bed and pressed them as hard into Brittany's hand as she could. Brittany maneuvered her other arm underneath Santana and held her shaking body to her chest. Brittany continued to circle her clit helping her ride out the orgasm. When she felt her muscles stop clenching, Brittany pulled her fingers out and layed down on her side. She pulled Santana into her as tight as she could holding her with both arms and even throwing one of her long legs over Santana's hips. She was completely surrounded in Brittany. Santana had never liked cuddling. Never liked foreplay. Never liked intimacy. But with Brittany, everything felt amazing. Being held by Brittany after such an intense orgasm brought on a flood of emotions that Santana hadn't ever thought herself capable of.
She would like to say immediately after that she rolled Brittany over and showed her that her lack of experience meant nothing. But that's not true. The rest of the night was spent in Brittany's arms, with sweet things being whispered in her ear. It wasn't that she wasn't willing, but Brittany insisted that this night had been about her. Less than twenty-four hours later, however, she did just that. And Brittany told her that if she hadn't known she was the first girl Santana had slept with, she wouldn't have ever guessed. Which was pretty much the best compliment she had ever gotten.
Their relationship progressed beautifully. Santana learned so much about herself through Brittany and truly believed that Brittany made her a better person. They talked about the future often, moving to a big city where both of them could find good work. After a few months it just felt natural to assume that they'd be together forever. Santana had never met anyone, friend or otherwise, that she fit with like she did Brittany. Several times they had discussed moving in together but Brittany's scholarship paid for on campus housing at her school and there was no way she would be able to afford to live off campus.
That didn't stop her from practically living with Santana when she got her own apartment Junior year. While the idea of living with Brittany had been appealing for many reasons, the logistics of it made her nervous. What if spending that much time together stressed them out? What if always sleeping together made sex feel less special? But none of that happened. If anything, Brittany served as a wonderful distraction but they learned to work around that. Everything was amazing.
Unfortunately it didn't stay that way. Looking back some time later, Santana can pinpoint all of the events that caused, ultimately, the worst decision she had ever made in her entire life. It started out with a visit home to Brittany's family. Which they did often. They were good people. The only major fault Santana could really tell about them was that they got Brittany's hopes up a lot about things and then let her down. Usually always having to do with money. They would tell her they were going to come see her dance shows, and then never be able to afford it. Or they would tell Brittany they were getting her something she really wanted for Christmas or her Birthday and then they wouldn't be able to when the time came. Brittany swore she understood, but every single time Santana watched her girlfriend's face crumple in disappointment, she got angry.
On this particular visit, everything had gone just as it always had. They laughed a lot, Brittany teased her younger sister for her very obvious crush on Santana, they went to dive bars a few blocks away and drank with people Brittany had known her whole life, and slept on a bed that was way too small for two people. It was familiar and comfortable to her at this point. Something she'd been doing since just a few months after she and Brittany had started dating just over two years prior. It was the morning before they were supposed to leave and Santana and Brittany were eating breakfast with the rest of the Pierce family. Susan, Brittany's mother, made an off handed remark about how every time Brittany calls home, she is convinced it's to tell her that she and Santana are finally engaged. Santana nearly choked on her pancakes but otherwise laughed it off with the rest of them.
The second event came over Christmas break just a few weeks later. Brittany was with her family, and Santana was spending the week of Christmas with her mother before she drove to stay with Brittany for the rest of break. They had spent Christmas evening at one of her mother's friend's house. On their way back her mother asked how her life was. She had been there for three days and this was the first her mother had asked. Her mother didn't particularly understand Santana. They were extremely different people. It wasn't any one thing, she was fine with Santana being gay for example, they were just very different.
Santana told her mother that things were going well. That she was excited for next semester and getting to do an internship. But most of all she was excited to graduate. "Are you going to stay with Brittany once you leave?" Santana had been taken aback by the question, or more so, the way she asked it. She had sounded slightly aghast, like she didn't approve of the idea. Santana fumbled over her reply. "It's not that I don't support your relationship, I do. I just don't want you settling down just because you're comfortable. You know where that gets you. Isn't it weird that the first girl you date after coming out will be the last girl you date? I mean how do you even know she's the one? You have nothing to compare it to." Santana didn't even know how to respond to that. It reminded her of the way she used to think when she first got into college, before finding Brittany. "I didn't mean to upset you Santana. I just don't want you making the same mistakes I did." Santana nodded and tried to pretend her mother's words hadn't affected her as deeply as they had.
When she got to Brittany's a few days later she had buried the doubt and confusion that the conversation had left her with. She didn't want to bring it up to Brittany to talk it out because she wasn't sure exactly how Brittany would respond. She also wasn't sure why what her mother said had struck her so hard. They spent the rest of break together, and everything remained the same once they returned to school. Santana even managed to convince herself that the conversation had meant nothing. That she was over it. But every once in awhile, in the middle of the night or while studying for a particularly hard test, her brain would revisit it.
The third event, and ultimately the catalyst, happened just before spring break. She was in the library trying to study for a stupid history midterm. It was her last test before spring break. She was spending the break doing a job shadowing with a video game programmer in town and she was beyond excited, so she was having a hard time focusing anyway. Santana was just about to give up when someone walked up to her table. "Hey you're in my history class aren't you? Want a study buddy?" She looked up and saw a girl talking to her, cute, with long auburn hair and green eyes.
"Uh. Sure." The girl sat down and pulled her notebook out as well. Studying happened for about fifteen minutes before they just started talking about anything but history. Her name was Elizabeth and she was also a Junior. But she was an education major and history was her worst subject, Santana learned. It was nice to talk to someone who wasn't Brittany or one of her extremely nerdy classmates. The longer they talked the flirtier Elizabeth got. Santana didn't have a lot of practice with girls flirting with her as she was almost always with Brittany, and it was obvious they were together, but you would have had to have been completely oblivious to not pick up on the signals this girl was sending her. She knew she should have stopped her, or set her straight that she had a girlfriend, but it felt good to be so obviously wanted by someone who wasn't Brittany. Plus the girl was kind of pretty.
After two hours of literally no progress on their history midterms Elizabeth suggested maybe they ought to take this somewhere else, before winking at Santana. First of all she was not aware that people actually used that line. Second, she was ashamed and angry at herself for not immediately saying no, for letting it get to this point at all. "I really shouldn't. I promised my girlfriend I wouldn't be home to late."
"Girlfriend huh? Well that's too bad." Santana nodded because she wasn't exactly sure how to respond. "Well, see you at the midterm Santana." Elizabeth grabbed her stuff and as she walked past ran her fingers up Santana's arm making her shiver.
She didn't go right home. She took a long walk, stopped and had a drink, and took the extra long way home before walking into her apartment and seeing all of the lights off. She wondered if maybe Brittany was still out rehearsing, but then she remembered that she had definitely received a text saying she was home. Santana went back into the bedroom and was met with one of her favorite things.
Brittany was asleep on the bed, naked or mostly so as far as she could tell, with just the sheet draped over her waist. It had been unseasonably warm the past few days but Santana refused to turn on the air conditioning (it was only early March) so even with the windows open it was still kind of warm inside. Brittany was laying on her stomach with her head turned to the side and her hair splayed out on the pillow. Next to the bed were several ice packs. Santana frowned. Brittany's thigh muscle must be hurting her again. She felt guilty she hadn't been here to massage it for her. She felt even more guilty for the reason she hadn't been here. She sat down on the edge of the bed and ran her fingers down the dip of her back watching the muscles jump even though Brittany was completely asleep. She loved this girl. She knew that was true. She didn't, couldn't, question that fact. She felt guilty for even being slightly excited that someone else has flirted with her. She stood up and stripped her own clothes off, needing to feel as close as she could to Brittany. She got into bed and started to pull Brittany into her. Brittany woke up just enough to rotate, press her front into Santana, tangle their legs together, and press a kiss to her neck. "Love you so much San." She mumbled sleepily before her breathing evened out again.
"I love you too Brittany. I really do." She whispered, kissing the top of Brittany's head, before trying to force herself to sleep as well.
The next morning she went to her History class, afraid that things were going to be awkward between her and Elizabeth. She couldn't have been more wrong. Elizabeth smiled and waved at her as soon as she walked into the room and mouthed "good luck" before rolling her eyes making Santana laugh. The test wasn't as bad as she thought it would be, she finished it, turned it in and walked out of the classroom towards the front door. Before she got there she heard a voice calling her name, she turned around and Elizabeth was walking towards her. "How do you think you did?"
"Ok. I think I mixed up a few dates but whatever." Santana brushed off. Not wanting to brag that she had done way better than she thought walking in.
"Same. So I was thinking, are you going to be here over break?"
Santana was unsure as to where this was going. Elizabeth knew she had a girlfriend, but her tone was different today. Less flirty, more just friendly. She proceeded with caution. "Yep. But I am doing some job shadowing. So it's not so much a break for me."
"Same here actually. But, here let me give you my number." She pulled a pen and a scrap of paper out of her bag. "Just in case you want to get drinks or hang out or something." She handed Santana the piece of paper. "Hopefully I'll hear from you! But I've got to run to my next class!" Santana doesn't respond and shoved the piece of paper in her pocket and walked out of the door and to her car. She knew she should have thrown the paper away, and had no desire to think about why she didn't.
When she got back to the apartment she could hear Brittany in the bedroom. She didn't get to talk to her that morning because she had left before Santana woke up. She walked into the room and she could tell immediately that Brittany was in a bad mood. Brittany didn't even say anything to her, even after she had registered her presence. That wasn't an awesome sign. "Hey babe. What's wrong?" Santana bit the bullet.
"My partnering midterm went horribly. My partner wasn't there mentally and I was exhausted from waiting up for you last night."
"I was studying." Lie.
"You said you wouldn't be late!"
"Well fucking excuse me Brittany. It was more information than I thought it would be. And it's a good thing I studied as much as I did because that test was way harder than I expected." Lie.
"You didn't text me and let me know. You didn't answer my texts when I tried to figure out where you were. You know I hate when I can't get a hold of you at night Santana." Brittany continued to throw clothes in her bag as they yelled at each other.
"I don't know what you want me to say." She yelled at Brittany's back. Brittany was zipping up her suitcase and Santana knew she should try to fix this before Brittany left. She was in the wrong, she knew that. But the guilt was making her want to lash out even more. Brittany grabbed the suitcase and her purse.
"I don't know San. Maybe apologize?" The sarcastic tone set Santana off even more.
"Ok. Fine. I'm sorry I didn't get all of these alleged texts and phone calls, plus I shouldn't have to check in with you every fifteen minutes. I'm sorry you and your partner blew your midterm. I'm sorry you are in this foul ass mood that has fucking nothing to do with me Brittany." Lie. Hurtful. Lie. Brittany stopped and her face changed from angry to hurt quicker than Santana could blink.
"I have to leave. I'm going to miss my flight." The hurt in her voice broke Santana's heart.
"I know. I'll drive you. Let me put my shoes back on." Santana tried to be more gentle. She tried to fix it without actually admitting that she was a complete asshole.
"No. I don't want to be around you right now. I will take a cab. I'll call you when I can. Maybe try and figure out what's wrong before then." And then she was gone. No I love you. No hug. Nothing. Brittany hadn't left her without a hug since the day they met. Not once. Not even when she was in an extreme hurry. Santana felt the tears burn behind her eyes. She watched the door, expecting Brittany to come back through and apologize, and hug her, and tell her that she loved her. But nothing happened. She checked her phone, nothing.
She wasn't sure what to do with herself so she laid down on the couch. She hadn't slept well the night before and thought maybe a nap would clear her head. And it would mean she wasn't checking her phone every two seconds to see if Brittany had contacted her yet. She laid awake for a while, but did eventually doze off. She woke up to her phone ringing, she quickly grabbed it expecting it to be Brittany. But it was Puck.
"Yo. I'm not leaving till tomorrow, you want to go out tonight?" Was his greeting. The offer was almost tempting, might get her mind off of things, but she should really be available and sober when Brittany called.
"Nah. I'm exhausted. Late night studying last night. Have fun though." They said their goodbyes and hung up. Santana laid back against the arm of the couch and checked to make sure she hadn't missed a call or text. Brittany should definitely have arrived there by now but she hadn't texted Santana to let her know. Which was a rule they had. Santana was starting to get frustrated. Why should she feel bad when Brittany wasn't even trying to get a hold of her? Brittany was the one that left angry. Plus it really wasn't her fault that the midterm didn't go well.
After an hour of no contact from Brittany, and sitting there trying to justify the way she treated her, she let her anger get the better of her. She reached into her pocket and pulled out Elizabeth's number.
To Elizabeth: Hey. It's Santana. Interested in hanging out tonight?
The second she sent the text she felt guilty again. But she told herself she shouldn't. It's just a friend. That's all. After just a few minutes she received a reply.
From Elizabeth: Definitely. Meet up at Crew? I think there's a show tonight.
To Elizabeth: Yes. See you soon.
Santana went into her bedroom to get ready and was hit with the combined scent of her and Brittany. She did her best to ignore the way it made her feel and went about getting dressed.
Hanging out with Elizabeth was fun. It was uncomplicated and she was just an easy person to be around. After a few drinks friendly Elizabeth was gone and flirty Elizabeth was back. Santana did nothing to discourage her. Around midnight Santana felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. She pulled it out and saw that she had an incoming call from Brittany. She went outside to answer it.
"Hello." She answered shortly.
"San I'm really sorry I didn't text you when I got off the plane. My phone died and I forgot to pack my charger." That absolutely sounded like something Brittany would do. But Santana was tipsy and frustrated with everything that had happened today.
"Ok."
"Ok. So do you want to talk about earlier today now?"
"Can't. I'm out with a friend."
"Oh." Heartbreak voice again. "Ok I guess."
"You guess?"
"I just thought we were going to talk tonight."
"Not everything works on your schedule Brittany." That was uncalled for and Santana knew it the second she said it.
"Well I guess call me when it works for your schedule." Brittany snapped back and hung up the phone. Santana hated being hung up on. More than anything that frustrated her. She stormed back into the bar and ordered two shots. One for her, one for Elizabeth.
Nothing happened that night. Nothing happened over all of spring break, not really. She hung out with Elizabeth a few more times. While sober it felt awkward because flirty Elizabeth was apparently here to stay. But they hung out at the bar a few more times and that was great. Santana had called Brittany the next day ready to apologize. Brittany accepted, even apologized herself, which made Santana sad because Brittany really hadn't done anything. They didn't really talk about what had happened, Brittany asked if it would be ok if they talked when she got back. But they talked almost every night after that. At night Santana would lay there alone thinking about everything her mom had said, and about the past few days with Elizabeth. How it surprised her that she could be intrigued by a girl that wasn't Brittany. Maybe this wasn't a forever kind of thing? What if she was making a mistake? She made herself sick thinking about it. She thought about it so much that she was concerned she had made a bad impression on the people she was job shadowing. She thought about it so much that she would do just about anything to be able to refocus her mind on anything else. Which is where she was when Brittany came home.
She picked her up from the airport and brought her back to the apartment. She was silent the entire time, which was easy, because Brittany had a lot to say. But that didn't mean Brittany hadn't notice. After they had been home for a while and were sitting in the living room Brittany brought it up. "You're quiet. Is everything ok?"
"Yeah. Just distracted I guess."
"Is it because of what happened before I left?" Santana didn't know what to say. Sort of. Indirectly yes. Maybe even directly. They wouldn't fight like that if they were supposed to spend forever together. Would they?
"I don't know. Maybe. I've got a lot on my mind."
"Well let's talk about it sweetie." Brittany answered gently.
"I don't know what to say."
"Just tell me what you feel." Santana didn't reply. "Please San. You're making me nervous." Santana's reluctance was obvious. And Brittany kept pushing.
"Fine. Fine. I'll tell you. I think we need to take a break." That wasn't at all what she had meant to say. Obviously she had thought about it. But that was in no way a solid conclusion.
"Wait. What?" Santana took a second to think about her response. Maybe she did want a break. Maybe that would be what was best for them.
"I think we need to take a break from our relationship." She watched heartbreak register on Brittany's face.
"Santana is this about someone else?" And all Santana heard was Did you cheat on me? Santana's anger flared. No. She hadn't, even though she had every opportunity, she didn't.
"I didn't cheat on you Brittany. And the fact that that is the first conclusion you jump to is proof that we need this." She snapped back. Even though that's not what Brittany had asked. Brittany managed to look even more hurt which almost crumbled Santana's completely unjustified resolve.
"What do you mean by break? Like a break up?"
"Unofficially. I guess." Santana didn't even know what she meant by that. How could Brittany? She was just making this worse and worse but it was like she was on a runaway train and had no way to stop it, or jump off.
"Unofficially? This feels kind of official Santana."
"If that's how you see it, I can't help what you think." Brittany broke then and tears started to flow out of her eyes. Santana had never made Brittany cry. Not once. The memory would stay with her for the rest of her life.
"Ok." Brittany got up and grabbed her suitcase and put her shoes back on. She wanted to ask where Brittany was going. She wanted to hug her and apologize. But hadn't she said it all for a reason? Doesn't everything happen for a reason? She was starting to panic though. Losing Brittany for real wasn't an option. Because she wasn't just her girlfriend (and the love of her life), she was her best friend.
"I still want to be friends." Brittany gave her a look that clearly said are you kidding me? And Santana sent her a pleading one in return.
"Sure." Brittany answered as she turned back around and walked out of the apartment.
It wasn't instant regret. Maybe if it had been, she would have gotten up and begged Brittany to take her back right then and there. At first it felt a little like relief and being swallowed in flames at the same time. Her entire body was hot and uncomfortable. But she had done something. And that was the first step to getting rid of all of the uncomfortable feelings she had been having this past week, right?
The regret came at about four in the morning when she couldn't ignore the pain any more. She reached for Brittany's pillow, but because Brittany hadn't slept on it in over a week, the scent had faded dramatically. She clutched it to her chest and the tears came. She got up and went to the couch thinking somehow that would be easier than the bed. It wasn't. Another hour later and she was ready to call Brittany. Except that it was five in the morning and she really didn't want to wake her up if she was sleeping. So she suffered through it.
By eight, be it sleep deprivation, or a lapse in judgement, she called her mother.
"You're awake early." Maribel answered.
"Mom I broke up with Brittany." She cried into the phone.
"You did?"
"Yeah. It was really stupid." She hiccupped out. Trying to regain control of her voice and breathing.
"Why did you do it?"
"Because I was scared of settling down with the first person I loved."
"That's not stupid Santana. How many people are still with their first love? Almost none."
"But it hurts so bad Mom. I feel like I can't breathe."
"Of course it hurts Santana, this is completely normal. But give it some time. That will fade." Santana doubted the pain she was currently experiencing would ever fade. But it was the only thing she had to hold on to right now. Her mother stayed on the phone with her for a little while longer, convincing her that she had done the right thing. Her logic was similar to Santana's last night. If she did it, there must be a reason.
After a few days passed Santana could hardly say she felt better. She definitely felt numb though. Which, in some ways, was better. She had sent Brittany several texts asking if she was ok. If she wanted to talk. In the beginning she had kind of hoped that Brittany would beg her to take her back. That would be the sign she needed to know she had done the wrong thing. But Brittany didn't beg. In fact, all of her text responses said something along the lines of her not being ready to talk yet. So Santana did her best to let Brittany go.
Finally about a month later she got a text from Brittany asking if she could come get the rest of her stuff. Santana agreed even though the idea of Brittany moving completely out made her now, extremely numb, heart hurt just a tiny bit. But Brittany showed up, and she was still Brittany, still beautiful. Not bubbly. Not that version of Brittany. This one was sad, and quiet, and careful. She walked around the apartment clearly avoiding touching things that weren't hers. She grabbed the things that were, including a box labeled "important stuff" out of the closet. Santana wondered if she would throw some of that away when she got home. Some of their love letters were in there along with other important things like her passport and check books. It was a mixture of important things. Brittany barely said anything to her the entire time. Santana hated that.
"Britt we should have lunch sometime. We said we would be friends." Brittany studied her for a minute. She looked almost annoyed.
"I don't think I can be near you and not with you Santana. I'm sorry." And that was it. She didn't wait for a response from Santana, she just walked out. Santana's heart broke all over again. She knew she shouldn't be mad at Brittany. She had brought this all on herself. But she was sick of being mad at herself, and since Brittany clearly wanted nothing more to do with her, well then Brittany was an easier target for her anger. Either way she needed to do something about all of this bad she had been feeling. She broke up with Brittany for a reason right? She needed to figure out what it was.
On the surface the reason could almost (almost because obviously there was no good reason) be construed as Santana feeling like she needed to explore other options. So maybe she should do some exploring. She had hung out with Elizabeth a few times since the break up. When she found out about it, she had turned the flirting up a few notches. They had even almost kissed a few times. Their "hanging out" felt a lot like dates even. So maybe that's what Santana needed. She called Elizabeth up and asked if she wanted to go out that night. Elizabeth agreed and they figured out the details of meeting up.
Santana dressed up more than she would have if she was going out for drinks with a friend. Her intentions were obvious. Elizabeth obviously picked up on it because things were different. Mutually flirty even though Santana was a little awkward about it. They drank a lot. Not enough that Santana could blame what she did on the alcohol, but enough that she had the courage to go through with it. A little before last call Elizabeth asked Santana if she wanted to go home with her. Santana said yes even though she knew she shouldn't. They paid their tabs and left. The cab ride was awkward but not awkward enough that it made either of them reconsider what they were about to do.
Santana slept with someone for the first time since meeting Brittany that night. At some point during the kissing she convinced herself that because she was gay, and Elizabeth was a girl, she was bound to enjoy this at least a little bit. She wasn't wrong. On the very surface it felt good. She didn't orgasm, but Elizabeth did. But it still felt good. Just below the surface she felt something break, and a whole lot of truth flood in. She had made a huge mistake.
She didn't stay the night. She left a note telling Elizabeth that she's sorry she had to go. That it's not about her. And that she deserves someone who isn't in love with another girl. And that was the first time that Santana had admitted to herself since the day after she broke up with Brittany that she did in fact love her. She wanted to call right away. She wanted to show up at Brittany's dorm that night and tell her everything. But Brittany deserved better than that. She didn't deserve Santana showing up after having just slept with another girl. She also felt like she owed it to Brittany to think about this. To be positive. To figure out why she had done what she did and to be able to promise it won't ever happen again. She also didn't want to disrupt Brittany's life right now. She knew she was busy, the end of the year dance show was coming up and Brittany didn't need anything to distract her from that.
So Santana waited. She wrote pages and pages of thoughts down to help her map out everything that had happened and perhaps why it had. She did the most intense self evaluating she had ever done. She worked on it so much she nearly failed two of her finals. She also went to Brittany's dance concert. Watching her dance just reaffirmed that she was the biggest idiot on the planet. Anyone that could let that girl go was.
Two weeks after the dance concert, and a little over a week after the semester had ended Santana called Brittany. She didn't pick up which Santana expected, so she left her a voice mail. She waited a few days before sending a text, no response. She was a little disheartened. But she understood why Brittany wouldn't want to talk to her. But she had to keep trying. She called and left another voice mail and swore that would be the last time she'd call. She would figure out another method if Brittany didn't call back. But by the end of May, she still hadn't heard from Brittany. She still hadn't figured out what her next step was either. So she figured calling once more couldn't hurt. Except this time it told her that the phone number had been disconnected.
Santana was hurt that Brittany would change her number without telling her. Or at least letting her know she didn't want to speak to Santana. Anything. A few days later she had decided that she was going to go to Brittany's parent's house, where she was sure Brittany was, and force her to at least listen to what she had to say.
She thought she was going to puke the entire drive down. She tried to distract herself with music and books on cd but nothing helped. She finally arrived and felt that boost of courage you can only get from a now or never type of situation. She got out of the car, and walked to the door. She knocked and waited. When the door opened for a brief second she thought it was Brittany, but it was just her little sister Emily. "I need to talk to Brittany. I know she probably doesn't want to talk to me, but it's important."
"You're right. She doesn't want to talk to you. But even if she did, she couldn't right now." Emily replied with as much attitude as Santana had ever heard come out of her.
"What do you mean?"
"She's gone. She went to France for the rest of the summer and all of next year. It's a thing her school does with the best students."
"How come I never heard of this?" She figured Brittany would have at least mentioned it.
"She wasn't going to go because she didn't want to leave you. But when you broke her heart, she begged her professors and I guess they said yes." Emily shrugged.
"Oh. Does she have a phone?" Santana's voice cracked. She was about to lose it any second. She was barely holding back the tears.
"I don't think she would want me to give you that information. I'll tell her you stopped by and that she should give you a call." Santana nodded and tried to say thank you but an awkward squeak came out. She turned around and walked back to the car.
She cried for twenty minutes before she even had the strength to turn the car on and start back up to school. When she got home, even though it was still light out, she collapsed onto the couch that had been her bed since the break up, and cried herself to sleep.
When she woke up the next morning she felt a little clearer. Emily would talk to Brittany. And Brittany would call. Maybe not right away. But at some point she would call. And if Santana needed to, if Brittany would allow her, she would fly to France that day and fix this. Whatever she needed to do.
So she waited for the call.
And waited.
For months, she waited.
But the call never came.
And eventually all hope fades away.
Comments? Questions?