Arkham Exposed

"Pammie, you've got mail!" exclaimed the Joker, entering the Rec Room in Arkham Asylum to see a small, flat parcel addressed to Poison Ivy placed on the table.

"J, the 90s are over. Try to let them go, huh?" sighed Ivy, heading over to the couch and picking up the parcel. She opened it and smiled. "Oh, the magazine's here!" she exclaimed.

"Magazine?" repeated Harley Quinn, puzzled. "What magazine?"

"I told you, Harley – I was contacted by this magazine and asked to do some lingerie modeling," replied Ivy, flipping through it. "And I gotta say, it looks good."

"I'll be the judge of that, Weed Lady," retorted Joker, grabbing the magazine from her. "Dames can't judge how good they look in lingerie – that's why they think they look good in pink and bows…although I wouldn't say no to planting myself into that garden!" he chuckled.

"I didn't do it to be ogled by the likes of you, you disgusting creep," growled Ivy, snatching the magazine back. "I did it to empower women, and prove that you can still look sexy while being a strong feminist figure."

"And I'm sure that means that no creepy guys are ogling your printed form as we speak," chuckled Joker. "Hey nerds, here's something you might wanna keep under your pillow!" he called, grabbing the magazine back from Ivy and then throwing it into the corner. Jervis Tetch was painting a watercolor, and Jonathan Crane was reading a book, which he dropped with an annoyed grunt as the magazine hit him in the face. "Not Hatty, though – you're a little old for him," continued Joker, smiling at Ivy. "He likes younger dames."

"As does someone else in this room," murmured Tetch, lightly, as Harley draped herself over Joker.

Crane glanced at the magazine, and then stood up to bring it back over to Ivy. "You look stunning, Pamela," he said. "I imagine you'll help drive their sales immeasurably. I hope you're getting a cut of it."

"Thanks, Johnny, but I didn't do this for the money," she replied. "I'm donating every penny I made on the photoshoot to help the rainforest."

"Yeah, and how many rainforest trees were killed printing that magazine?" chuckled Joker. "That's like shooting up an orphanage, and then donating money to help children's charities. Aw, you're such a joke, Weed Lady!" he giggled, settling on the sofa to watch TV.

"Wow, that's a really pretty picture, Jervis," said Harley, coming over to look at his painting of a riverbank. "I didn't know you were such a talented artist."

"Well, it's just a hobby of mine," replied Tetch, modestly. "But thank you, Harley. I've still got to add a rowing boat on the river with me and Alice in it, but the background is mostly finished."

An idea struck Harley. "Uh…Jervis, can I have a quick word in private?" she asked, looking over at Joker to make sure he was distracted by the cartoons on the TV.

"Oh…certainly, Harley," Tetch said, standing up and following her out of the room. "What is it?"

Harley bit her lip. "Uh…a few months from now is me and Mr. J's six year anniversary as a couple, and I wanted to get him something really special this year. Y'know, something unique, that you couldn't just buy in a store, because he's a really unique guy and deserves a nice, personalized gift…anyway, seeing as you're such a good artist, I was kinda wondering if you could maybe…paint a picture of me for him."

"What, a portrait?" he asked. He thought for a moment. "Well, it's not my specialty by any means, but I could certainly give it a shot."

"Aw, you're the greatest, Jervis!" exclaimed Harley, leaping into his arms and hugging him. "Just let me know when you're free and I'll sneak into your cell! I want it to be a surprise for Mr. J and all, so can we just keep this between ourselves?"

"Yes, of course, my dear," he replied. "I can keep a secret."

"I usually can't," replied Harley. "So if you hear me start to try to give it away, stop me somehow, would you? Just hit me or something, like Mr. J does. Thanks, Jervis, you're a pal," she said, returning to the Rec Room.

The telephone rang at that moment, and Ivy picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this Poison Ivy?" said a voice on the other end.

"Speaking," she replied.

"Miss Ivy, my name is Harry Hefter, and I work for Playman magazine. You might have heard of us."

"Yes, I have, Mr. Hefter," retorted Ivy, coldly. "It's that magazine that exploits women by making them dress up as bunnies and be arm candy to men, isn't it?"

"We don't make women do anything, Miss Ivy," he replied. "In fact, I think if you spoke to most of our models, you'd be pleased to discover that they're largely feminist, using their not inconsiderable assets in order to assert themselves. An attractive woman can have a tremendous amount of power over men, as I'm sure you know."

"Yes, I do know that," she replied. "And as long as they're using their bodies to assert themselves, rather than to serve men, I'm in full support of it."

"I'm glad to hear you say that, Miss Ivy," replied Mr. Hefter. "Because I've just seen your lingerie shoot, and I'd like to offer you a job modeling for us at Playman magazine. We'd like to do a photo shoot of the Gotham City Sirens, focusing on the women behind the men of Gotham City. I mean, the press gives so much attention to the Batman and the Joker, but what about the women of Gotham? Aren't they at least as important as the men, if not more so? I think everybody gets tired of reading about a buncha brutish guys beating each other up night after night – they'd like to read about people who are a little more refined. And who's more refined than the ladies of Gotham?"

Ivy glanced over to where Harley was seated on the floor next to the Joker, her head leaning against his lap as he petted her like a dog. "Yeah…I'm not sure refined is the right word…" she said, slowly.

"You know what I mean, Miss Ivy. The Gotham City Sirens are stylish, sophisticated, and sexy, and role models for thousands of young girls all over the planet."

"Uh…role models, really?" said Ivy, her face twisting in disgust as Joker suddenly shoved Harley away from him, and Harley began pleading and whining and nuzzling against him.

"Of course. You're empowered women – beautiful, talented and deadly. And you didn't need a man to help you get where you are."

"You've heard about Harley Quinn, right?" asked Ivy.

"Hi, person on the phone!" called Harley, waving as she heard her name mentioned, and then returning to trying to snuggle against Joker.

"Well, you can't deny that you and Selina are true feminists," he replied. "And Harley has her share of fans too. The point is we'd like all three of you to agree to do this photoshoot."

Ivy nodded slowly. "I'll talk to the girls and get back to you, Mr. Hefter."

"Thanks, Miss Ivy, I really appreciate it," he said. "I don't think I need to add that you'll be well paid…"

"No, I assumed that," replied Ivy, nodding.

"And that it'll be a nude photo shoot," he finished. "Talk to you later, Miss Ivy."

He hung up the phone. Ivy stared at it, wondering if she had just heard correctly. She wasn't uncomfortable at being photographed nude – a few of her old boyfriends had been into that. Selina would probably be fine with it too. But she wondered how Harley would take it.

She shrugged, picking up her magazine again. "I'll ask her later," she said to herself.