This is a tag to the Infinity War. If you haven't seen it and don't want the end spoiled, turn back now.
In one instant, he's completely hollowed out.
He drops beside Vision, Vision who is missing the gem in his head, Vision who has a rather large hole in his right shoulder. The rest of the team is assembling. But not Bucky. Not Sam. Not Wanda, Wanda who would never have left Vision's side.
And it's too much—the weight pushes on him from all sides, crushing him slowly, grinding the ends of his broken ribs together. In that second he knows. They'd failed.
He'd failed.
A wave crashes over him, stealing his hearing, whiting out his sight, and he is lost to the emptiness.
Hands are on his shoulders but they are far away, distant, someone else's hands on someone else's body.
"Steve."
He looks up, sees Natasha's face inches from his. "We need to go."
His mouth is dry and stuffed full of cotton, but he manages to get out, "I can't leave them."
She shakes her head sadly. "We don't have a choice."
He's pulled to his feet involuntarily. It's a good thing someone is holding him up because his legs are no longer working.
He throws rods down the backs of his knees, locking them in place, and manages to stumble off the battlefield on his own accord. Even in the emptiness, he is aware he isn't the only one who lost.
They encounter Okoye, who is taking charge of the situation, locating the wounded and arranging transport. It's only when they get closer that they all see the pain etched on her face.
Steve drops as soon as they get through the door and no one picks him up. There's a whir then Bruce settles down beside him, Natasha and Rhodey not far behind.
It's like his whole body is paralyzed since Steve can't feel a damn thing. Which might be a good thing, given the unending camera roll of Bucky dying again, right in front of him, just out of his reach. But this time, for added horror, Steve's name had been on his lips.
He knows he should get up, check on his team, check on the warriors of Wakanda, but he can't make himself act, can't make himself move, can barely make himself think. So they slump there until the palace staff came around. Tears are in their eyes, in the breaking of their voices, but they pick up the Avengers and help them out of their gear.
Someone shoves Steve in a shower and he stands under the water, lifeless, until it runs cold.
He is moving out of the chilled stream without conscious effort. He barely remembers to grab a towel before he bursts out of the bathroom and crashes into the far wall of the hallway. People are beside him in an instant, concerned faces peering down at him, but this time, he forces himself up on his own volition.
He has to do this for them. Has to be strong for them.
Clothes are shoved at him, which he gratefully accepts.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs to the crowd before quickly locating a guest room and throwing on the outfit. Tears prick at the back of his eyes but he doesn't allow them to fall. He pulls in a deep breath through his nose, feeling the burn first in his bruised face then in his broken ribs. He holds it, focuses on it, then marches out of the room.
Natasha was the first one he finds, on the phone, pleading with Clint to call her back. They lock eyes, both rimmed in red, then Natasha dials again while Steve moves on.
Rhodey is in the waiting room of the medbay, having had to part with his exoskeleton, on the phone as well. His shoulders cave and Steve knows. If he was still feeling, what was left of his heart would have shattered.
"Stark?" he asks, his voice thick.
Rhodes doesn't even turn around. "No answer."
His throat clogs so suddenly Steve can't catch his next breath. But he lifts his head and tries again and this time air slides down his throat.
"We're going to fix this," he says, as he makes his way to the lab, which fortunately was empty. He can't face Bruce, not with that news, and doesn't have the mental reserves to find Thor.
So he crumples in the far corner, next to an overturned table, where only hours ago part of his team had still been breathing. Where Sam and Bucky had been standing just outside, discussing strategies.
A sound escapes him, low and raw. He shoves the back of his hand up against his mouth to keep the sound back and just…doesn't think, doesn't feel, doesn't hurt.
"Rogers."
Steve looks up, feeling something spark in his chest for the first time since it happened. Tony is standing in the doorway, bleeding, bruised, arm pressed to his stomach. The crestfallen look in his eye practically tears Steve apart.
"Who?" he spits out.
"Strange, Star Lord, Gamora, Mantis, Drax." Steve doesn't know who these people were but that didn't make the imaginary pain any less.
"And Peter."
A knife to what was left of his heart. Apparently Steve could still feel after all.
Then Tony's sitting beside him, his arm draping over Steve's shoulders. "I heard," is all he says.
Steve just nods and the emptiness somehow increases.
He doesn't want to ask, doesn't want to know for sure, but he feels like he should. "Pepper?" he croaks out, barely audible.
He feels the horizontal shake of Tony's head into his shoulder and that finally jerks him into action. He reaches out now too and pulls Tony closer as the inventor's shoulders begin to heave.
"I'm so sorry," he mutters as the tears finally begin to fall. "For all of it."
"Me too."
"I have an idea," Tony says sometime later and he explains the Time Stone to Steve.
The soldier feels a tug of hope but he won't let it develop―not until he has more to go on.
The words slip out before he can stop them. "We should never have split up."
"No, we shouldn't have." Then, with barely a pause, "But we can make this right, Steve, I know we can."
This idea, however implausible, gives him a purpose, a reason, a means to channel his grief. He would run this lead down to the very end, then the next, then the next—whatever it took to undo the horror Thanos had imposed. If it was physically possible, he would stop at nothing and knows without having to ask that Tony would do the same.
Steve feels himself nodding, back straightening slightly. "When do we start?"
Logically, I know they'll all be back but that didn't make watching them disintegrate any easier.
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