Long first chappy eh? Thank god there'll only be three of them. Anyway...this first part moves quite slowly but...the next chapter wull be really violent. I dont see enough Hakkai-gone-crazy fics so here is one. I like to think it'll be sad and sweet but it will most likely end up gory and nonsensical. This first bit is angsty.Enjoy

Saiyuki and all characters belong to Kazuya Minekura, the genius. Chapter title from Cities of Night by Blaqk Audio, Both songs inspired me

(Oh and I know this is late for Valentines day..but hey.

Broken - a Violent Valentine

One: What I cannot create, I recognise

Gojyo ran through the cold streets in a blind anger, his thoughts louder than the cries of people he barged into.

He couldn't remove the image of their smiling faces and their clasped hands from his mind, couldn't stop seeing the way their eyes never left the others. Over the top of this image he saw something else; eyes as deep as a forest and green as an emerald. They blinded him almost as much as the anger

Hakkai was the only one in the small building they had hired for a few nights. Sanzo and Goku were off actually buying supplies for once and Gojyo was-

The door flew open in a spray of water and a gust of cold wind. Hakkai turned in surprise away from the book he had been holding with a small gasp. Who the hell would open the door like that? Was someone breaking in? What if-

It was Gojyo. He was standing in the doorway, hands braced against the doorframe and the rain plastering his crimson hair to his face. He was glaring down at the floor as though it was everything that was wrong in the world and his expression was unreadable.

"Gojyo?" Hakkai said quickly, standing up and hurrying over to where his friend was standing. "What's the matter?" He reached out a gentle hand to lay on Gojyo's arm but was slapped away.

"Don't touch me." Gojyo snapped and pushed passed Hakkai into the house, leaving the door open. Hakkai shut it without thinking and followed Gojyo to where he now threw himself onto the sofa.

"Gojyo…" he said softly and saw his friend sigh. Gojyo hated it when Hakkai used that voice on him. The voice that meant he was deeply upset or confused but would never say a word, at least, not explicitly. How could Gojyo's anger possibly stand up to that?

"I'm sorry, Hakkai." He replied and shut his eyes. "I…heh, I think I just wrecked your book." He pointed vaguely towards the book which now lay on the floor covered in water.

"It doesn't matter. I wasn't really reading it anyway."

Hakkai moved and perched on the end of the sofa, as though afraid that Gojyo would strike out again. It wasn't fear of violence that kept him there though, he could easily defend himself. It was the thought that Gojyo would even want to hurt hum that was terrifying.

"Why??" Gojyo frowned and then smacked a hand to his head. "Oh, the rain right? Shit. Sorry, Hakkai. I didn't mean to add to your troubles. I mean, I left you alone in the first place too. I'm a shitty friend, huh?"

Hakkai shook his head. "Not at all. I wouldn't have dreamt of trying to keep you in tonight of all nights. Why did you come back, anyway? I was expecting you to stay out or at least come back in company…I'm sure even you can get a date on Valentines night."

Gojyo smiled a little at the smirk Hakkai was now wearing. He wasn't really mocking him, it was his gentle way of saying 'oi you, spill.' Gojyo shrugged and then pulled off his soaked shirt hurriedly, cursing the cold. He settled back against the cushions and rubbed his eyes. At length he glanced over at Hakkai, who was watching him carefully.

"It's alright." Gojyo said softly. "I'm not angry anymore. I wasn't angry at you, anyway."

"Oh?"

"I was angry at myself. Though you'd already worked that out, right?"

Hakkai laughed. "Perhaps. Perhaps I know you too well, Gojyo. Do you want to tell me why you were angry at yourself?"

"Because I'm an ass." He said simply. "I went out there tonight looking for a quick fuck, if I'm completely honest. Everyone at the bar was exactly the same. I turned down plenty of offers, god knows why. If I hadn't I wouldn't be here now right?"

Hakkai shrugged and edged slightly closer to Gojyo. "Probably not. Though I am a little glad you came back tonight."

Gojyo smiled a little. "Yeah. Yeah, well…as I was saying. I was just milling around, getting to know all the other lonely losers in there with me and then this couple came in. I'm telling you, they may as well have brought in a string orchestra and a flock of bluebirds they were so wrapped up in each other. Holding hands, smiling, all of that shit. They sat in the corner and ignored all the insults that were thrown at them by the idiots who won't respect something they can't get themselves. I watched 'em for a while and…I dunno, it got to me. Suddenly I was so damn disgusted at myself, you know? I needed to…suddenly I just needed to see you." He looked up from where he had been fixedly staring at the floor and offered Hakkai a self-deprecatory smile. "Ridiculous, isn't it?"

Hakkai smiled back although his smile was slightly different, sad in a secretive way. "Not ridiculous at all. Love is a strong thing, even if you're not part of it, it can affect you. Watching someone in love when you're lonely is like an arrow to the heart."

"You got that right." Gojyo murmured. "Although I never said I was lonely."

"I can tell you are." Hakkai said quickly. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. Anyway, being lonely is better than…better than having been part of something as beautiful as love and then losing it all. 'It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'" Hakkai gave a short, bitter laugh. "That's one proverb I do not believe in."

Gojyo watched him silently for a moment or two and then leaned over, before draping a heavy arm around Hakkai's shoulders. He rested his head lightly against the side of his friends, the water running into his darker hair and making it glisten.

"Shit, I'm sorry again." He muttered. "I really didn't mean to drag all that up for you. I'm selfish."

"It was unavoidable tonight." Hakkai said softly. "That I would think about it. And if talking about it will help you, I'm glad to do it."

Gojyo smiled and silently thanked whatever Gods were out there who actually cared for providing him with such a wonderful companion.

"That means a lot, Hakkai, thanks." He moved away again but didn't remove his arm and was a little surprised when Hakkai leaned against him. It was the sort of childish movement he would have expected from Goku. But then again, everyone needed to be held sometimes.

"So…" Hakkai said, his tone of voice making it clear he wasn't going to acknowledge his movements. "Why did you think of me? Was it because you know I was like them once?"

Gojyo shook his head and ignored the sharp wrenching inside his chest. He supposed this was it. Now or never. The final chance. Something had been weighing on his soul all night and despite thinking about it a lot he still wasn't certain. He wished that there had been someone else to ask about all this, it didn't seem fair. But there was no one else he would even dream of opening up to. This was the way it had to be.

"No, it wasn't that. Not that I'm disregarding it," he said quickly. "Nothing like that. I just…well, I think it's pretty common knowledge that I've never been in love and…if you can, I'd like you to explain it to me. Because, I have this horrible feeling that I've gone and fallen in love with….with someone. Either that or I've gone completely mad."

Hakkai smiled softly and shut his eyes.

"Okay, Gojyo. I can try but…it's not really something that can be explained very easily. I suppose…" he sighed, looking in on some inner heaven that was unattainable in the waking world. "I suppose the easiest way to describe it is like a kind of madness.Everything seems as though it's going to end okay, even if it isn't because you would never let yourself believe otherwise. It's when just hearing someone's name sends you into a daydream where there's always light and laughter. It's when you can get lost in someone's eyes only to find yourself hidden in them. And…it's when physically letting someone out of your sight makes you feel as though you will never see them again and if you do never see them again, it never really stops hurting."

Hakkai started a little and his eyes flew open when Gojyo's hand tightened on his shoulder. He was staring at the floor with a kind of sorrow and to Hakkai's surprise, he laughed slightly.

"Is that what it is?" he said softly. "Fuck. Fuck this."

He stood up suddenly and walked across the room to slam a fist into the wall. Hakkai sprang to his feet and laid a hand on Gojyo's tense shoulder. From behind he couldn't be sure, but he suspected his friend was crying.

"Gojyo, what-"

"Shut up!" Gojyo yelled and wrenched himself away. Hakkai stared wide eyed as Gojyo walked back into the middle of the room and shook his head, breathing heavily. "Just stop talking. If you don't stop talking I'm going to…"

"To what?" Hakkai whispered, wrapping his arms around himself.

In the moment of silence that followed, the rain thundered down at the windows and the lights seemed to grow dim. They held one another's gaze for what seemed like an age until…

"Fuck." Gojyo murmured and then sank to his knees. "I've got no choice no have I? I'm going to have to explain myself. I want you to stop talking to me Hakkai because…well, if you don't I'm going to end up barging in on something beautiful and tearing it to pieces. Because I'm fucking jealous how sick is that?"

"Jealous of what? Of me?"

Gojyo shook his head. "No. Of her. For being the only person you will ever look at that way."

"What do you mean?"

It happened so suddenly that Hakkai found himself unable to breath. Gojyo leapt forward and pinned him against the wall, face only centimetres away. A thousand emotions were swimming in his crimson eyes and Hakkai found himself falling into them, unable to recognise a thing but wanting to and wanting to know why he had been the cause of all this…

Then he realised that he really was falling and that Gojyo had caught him before he hit the floor. He felt too weak to stand and realised with a jolt that it had been so long he had forgotten how powerless the feeling made him. The feeling of-

"I'm sorry, Hakkai." Gojyo was saying over and over while clutching onto him. "I'm so sorry. Forget I ever said-"

"I won't forget." Hakkai said and managed to sink to the floor without stumbling. "I need to know, Gojyo. You said you thought you were in love with someone. Are you?"

"Yes." Gojyo breathed, kneeling on the floor beside him. "I wish I wasn't."

"And…that person…" Hakkai shook his head hopelessly. "It's me isn't it?"

Gojyo went to shake his head but then sighed. "I give up. Yes, Hakkai…it's you."

"But, but I…" Hakkai's voice began to tremble and his hands were soon to follow. "I said I would never love anyone again."

"How does me loving you change that?"

"You just don't get it, do you?" Hakkai said loudly and tore himself away from Gojyo before standing up and starting towards the door. "It's always been hard but if you…if I…if we never said…I could…"

"Hakkai, what are you saying?" Gojyo stood up and started towards him.

"Don't come near me." Hakkai turned and fled out into the rain before Gojyo could even think of stopping him.

"Shit." He murmured before sinking to the floor. "What the hell did I just do?"

An hour later, and Gojyo hadn't moved. He still didn't move when the door burst open to reveal Goku and Sanzo. They shared a glance when Gojyo didn't respond.

"Gojyo." Sanzo said calmly, deciding to ignore it. "Where's Hakkai?"

"I don't know."

"Why not?"

"I'm not psychic."

"Well...we need you anyway."

"No one could need me."

"Gojyo, would you snap the hell outta it!" Goku yelled. "There's youkai in the village and we need to help Hakkai to get 'em!"

"What?" Gojyo's head finally snapped up. Goku was blushing in embarrassment as Sanzo glared at him. "You know where Hakkai is?"

"Yes." Sanzo said. "We wanted to know if you did. Regardless of that, he needs out help. Something's wrong with him."

"What? What's happened?"

"You better come and see." Sanzo said simply. "I think you're the only one that can help him now."

"Is he hurt? What have the bastards done to him?"

"What have they done to him?" Goku shook his head. "Wrong question."

"He's cutting them down as if they were paper dolls." Sanzo said quietly. "And I mean cutting No chi. If we don't stop him soon, I'm worried that…"

Gojyo swallowed and ran out of the door before the other two. Sanzo didn't need to finish his sentence.

He was worried that Hakkai would start on the townspeople.

Are you even Hakkai anymore? Gojyo asked himself silently. Did I do this to you?

He ran into the night and tried not to think. He couldn't think that it would end badly. It had to turn out right didn't it? If Hakkai got hurt….or if he lost himself again…how could Gojyo ever live with himself?

Okay, I am aware that's a shitty chapter ending. I didn't know where to end it. At least this way you can see it's not going to all be smooshy talking. Some violence and action will ensue in the next chapter, I promise. This is enough for now. Please let me know what you think or what you want to see happen…I'm still open to ideas.

Virtual cookies to anyone who actually reviews