Disclaimer: I don't own Nostalgia Critic or Percy Jackson.
Note: I don't know if Doug has read the books, but for the sake of argument, let's pretend he did. Major spoilers for the book and movie. If you do not want spoilers, turn back right now.
Nostalgia Critic: The Lightning Theif
Hell-o I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. We all know and love Greek heroes of legend, right? (Pictures of Hercules defeating the hydra, Perseus holding Medusa's severed head, and Jason sailing the Argo) Odysseus, Perseus, Hercules, Chiron, Logan Lerman – (Record Scratch) – wait, what?
Writer Rick R-Riaden? R-Rodden? Raordan? Screw that. This writer wrote this book series; Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Not at all a Harry Potter knock-off, this story updates the Greek myths in every way possible; new heroes, modernized setting, the works. I've read the books and they're actually amazing.
I didn't think that just narration could be fun, but damn! This kid doesn't sound like he's narrating a story, he sounds like he's just talking to you. That's pretty damn refreshing in a world with Hunger Games (yay.) and Twilight (boo.). The explanations for how these monsters can be alive and causing trouble if they were defeated in Greek myth and how Olympus has relocated half-way across the wold, while at times does require a bit of imagination, is surprisingly plausible. Last but not least, they actually made the name 'Percy' respectable. Because let's face it, Percy is not the...coolest name for a boy these days.
When I heard they were making a movie, I was all 'Weeee!' and went skipping off to the theater. I came back rather disappointed, but not all that disappointed, if that makes sense.
Granted, it's no where near the level of the book. They cut out half of my favorite scenes, there's little to no emotion, the books were actually faithful to the myths but the movie feels like it can just make crap up, and the characters have all been reduced to an insultingly basic trio of stereotypes; the generic hero, his cliched black best friend and his personality-stricken hot chick who's only purpose is to be the hero's reward for doing what he was supposed to be doing in the first place. On the other hand, it's definitely not the worst film adaptation of an amazing, gripping, one-of-a-kind story I've had to review. (Pictures of Neverending Story Three and The Last Airbender) That said, lets dive into Percy Jackson and the Olympians: the Lightning Thief. Man that's a mouthful!
So the movie starts off in...(Caption: Empire State Building, New York City) What the fuck? Anyway, this evil-looking giant who looks like he would be more at home in a Lord Of The Rings movie emerges from the water (it happens) and meets up with his equally creepy brother at the top of the building, somehow having shrunken to normal size. In fact, not only are the characters brothers, but they're none other than Zeus and Poseidon themselves, played by Sean Bean and Kevin McKidd. Yeah. Apparently Zeus is pissed at Poseidon because he thinks Bubble-brain enlisted the aid of his apparently absent son in stealing his fancy toy bolt or something. What a brat.
Cut to...a boy meditating underwater? Right. We get as acquainted as we can with him while the credits fade in and out. Seriously, the names of like, ten actors show up on screen before he surfaces. Not only is it a long wait, but does that kid have gills or something? Eventually, he surfaces to meet his buddy Grover, played by Brandon Jackson. (Dryly) Haha.
"And he's alive! Percy Jackson is a beast! You're a beast, man! Gimme some!"
"It's like high-school without the musical."
"The politically correct term is satyr."
"Daughters of Aphrodite... You know what that means man!"
Okay, this is what I was talking about. Grover in the book was very much his own character. He was gentle, nervous and endlessly tortured by the crushing guilt a past failure. He felt this deep connection with animals and nature and didn't understand why human's didn't. He longed to prove himself, was unwaveringly loyal to his friends and at times seemed to have self-esteem problems. This Grover? Black stereotype after black stereotype. Nothing more, nothing less.
"How long was that?" Percy asks.
"Seven minutes." Grover says.
Seven minutes? Isn't that kinda impossible?
"I just like being in water." Percy says.
Well, that explains it. Anyway, this is our hero, Percy Jackson, played by Logan Lermen. Eh, seen better seen worse. He apparently lives in a run down apartment in New York with his mother and stepfather and attends this school for future criminals or something.
So at the end of the day Percy heads back home where is mother and stepfather are. This is Gabe Uglino and Sally Jackson, played by Joe Pantoliano and Catherine Keener. I'm guessing everyone knows the drill here; Sally's whole world is her son and Gabe would rather he be shipped off to some military academy. Ya know, just once, I'd like to see in media a stepparent and a child who actually get along.
"Woman!" Gabe bellows.
"Hi Gabe." Sally says.
"Where's my beer?"
"It's in the fridge."
"So it's supposed to magically float from the ice box and into my hand?"
Okay, I call bullshit on this. No self-respecting woman would let themselves be talked to like this. What would happen here in real life is her slamming her foot into his balls and fucking leaving him. What about Percy? I mean, I know Gabe offers some kind of protection or some bullshit, but wouldn't Sally be worried about that scuzzball being a bad influence on her son? Or hitting him? Yeah, the book says that he hits her. What's to stop him from going after the kid? There's a reason the ladies generally try to stay away from those kinds of guys, people.
Gabe slaps Sally's butt as Percy looks on in disgust. "Oh, come on, man. You have to do that right here? That's disgusting. We're in a kitchen."
And as we all know kitchens are sacred temples of refuge for teenagers. So yeah, incredibly inappropriate.
The next day, the boys are on a museum field trip lead by they're teacher – Bond. James Bond. (Mission Impossible music plays)
"Be prepared. Everything is about to change, Percy."
...What the hell was that? Oh well.
"There are twelve Olympian gods. The Big Three are the brothers Zeus, Poseidon and Hades." says Mr. Brunner. "On several occasions they would come down to earth and they would hook up with mortals. The children of these unions were half-god, half-human. Can anyone tell me what they were called? Percy?"
"Demigod."
Where was this class when I was in school? I would have kicked ass here.
It's interesting because I think a lot of people forget Poseidon, god of seas and oceans, is the brother of Zeus and Hades, but here he's one of the more important figures. (Playing dumb) Gee, I wonder why. All we get is news that he has an unknown son, a totally normal protagonist who likes water and can hold his breath for unnatural periods of time, no mention of his birth father and a convenient lesson on Demigods. Oh, the mystery...
So Percy gets called away by another teacher named Mrs. Dodds, who I swear is the sister of Severus Snape, saying they need to talk. (Mrs. Dodds transforms into a Fury. Critic jumps back, startled.) Holy shit, what is that thing? (The fury attacks Percy and he evades her claws) It looks like if the little girl from Twilight, the Nightmare King from Little Nemo and G'mork from Neverending Story all got chewed up and spat back out by the Devil!
"Percy!" Grover yells.
Suddenly, James Bond and Grover show up and the monster, for basically no reason at all, flees the scene. Against a boy she was about to have for lunch and two cripples. Did one of them have silver or garlic in their pockets? And for a teacher and kid who's student and best friend was almost monster chow, Grover and Mr. Bond seem worryingly heartless.
"They found him. He's in danger." says Mr. Brunner.
"Who found me?" Percy asks.
The monsters, weren't you paying attention?
"Percy, take this to defend yourself." says Mr. Brunner as he hands an item to Percy. Percy examines it and it seems to be...
"This is a pen." he says dryly.
"It's a powerful weapon. Guard it well. Only use it in times of severe distress."
"This is a pen."
A pen? Yeah, I don't think this is what they meant when they said the pen is mightier than the – (Jump to a different point in the film. Percy uncaps the pen, unleashing Riptide) holy shit! Pen-sword, Sword-pen, what? (Higher) What...(Squeaking) What?
So after that raping of common phrases, Grover walks Percy home while James is off presumably on another mission.
"I'm your protector" Grover says.
"You have crutches!" Percy says.
...Well, that was a dickish thing to say.
So eventually Percy, his mom and Grover hop in the car and drive...Someplace. Along the way to Someplace, Sally informs Percy about his birth father, whom he has apparently never asked about in his whole seventeen year old life with his abusive stepfather. If you've been keeping track so far, it should be painfully obvious who she's talking about. But that's not the highlight of the scene – this is!
"Is it just me, or is it raining cows?" Grover asks.
(Cracks up.)
So anyway, they end up being chased by this bull thingy called, you guessed it, the miniature. Strangely enough, they always refer to these monsters as the miniature, the hydra, or the whatever else. Like there's only ever been one and only one. I mean, I get it with more famous monsters like Medusa and Cerberus, but I thought most of those were members of an entire race. In fact, the second book implies that at least hydras are their own race. I don't know, maybe I need to brush up on it.
Another thing is that that's apparently the same minotaur that was slain by Theseus in the original myth. Apparently most, if not all, monsters are effectively immortal and thus can never truly die. They can only be defeated, after which they get in trouble with Kronos and are grounded to their Tartarus for a while before coming back waiting to be defeated again. The books make this clear, as well as the fact that Olympus itself frequently relocates to new places, following the strongest spirit of Western civilization which is presently in the US. This means that places like the gates to Olympus, the portal to the underworld, and a whole bunch of other awesome shit is now in America as opposed to Greece.
Haha!
Anyway, Percy, Sally and Grover are tossed about in the car when Grover reveals a shocking secret. (Close up of Grover's cloven hoof-feet breaking through the glass of the car window.) That's right, the black best friend is now the black best goat friend. Goody-goody!
So they run to this gate leading to this camp where the minotaur can't get them, but Sally can't seem to get through and Percy refuses to leave her out there with the monster. (Awww!) He unleashes his sword, called Riptide, and fearlessly rescues –" The Critic is silenced as the miniature crushes Sally in his clutches and she turns to sand, apparently dead. "...Dark?"
So despite his utter lack of formal training in swordsmanship, Percy quickly kills the minotaur in a rage of teenage orphany vengeance. He blacks out and wakes up the next morning in an infirmary where Grover is watching over him. After the cliche 'assume-that-weird-thing-that-happened-last-night-was-some-kind-of-freaky-dream', Percy finds that Grover is in fact, a goat boy.
"The politically correct term is satyr." Grover says, sounding forlorn.
Oh right, sorry. Unfortunately, Percy realizes that this also means his mother is really is gone. But let us morn later, we have plot to get through. Percy gets up and Grover shows him around the recycled arena from the first Hunger Games movie which has been dressed up to look like a military academy and a summer camp got married. This place is called Camp Half-Blood, once again nothing to do with Harry Potter, the only safe place in the world for demigods. This of course follows with Percy realizing that all the Greek myths and stories are real, and that he himself is a demigod.
They've got archery, sword fighting, and the most intense games of capture the flag ever. Why the hell don't other camps do this? No kid would want to stay home for summer if this stuff was available! While there, Percy comes across a few new friends – three in particular.
The first is Chiron – the legendary trainer of heroes. The fun part comes because it's Percy's teacher James Bond! That awkward moment when you realize that your uncover spy Latin teacher is also an immortal mythological figure.
The other two, who people actually care about, are fellow demigods. One is Luke Last-name-I-can't-pronounce, played by Jake Abel, the son of Hermes, god of speed, thieves and travelers. This alone should be foreshadowing about his role in all this, but for some reason it's not. For now, though, this blatantly shifty, untrustworthy guy is content to just play the part of mentor to Percy. Condescending ass.
The last new friend is the daughter of Athena and resident hot chick, played by Alexandra Daddario. Oh, Nostalgia Chick will be so happy I found her long-lost sister. No, this is Annabeth Chase. Yeah, I know, sounds like a name your great-grandmother would give you. That, and the way Percy is looking at her, she might as well have the words 'Love Interest' tattooed on her face. In the books she's a snarky, badass little bookworm who could probably kick monster ass in her sleep and serves as the group's Herminione Granger. Here she has almost nothing of her own to contribute aside from being a damsel in distress and trying to reel in the female demographic via a poorly executed romance. Sexiest movie.
So Percy is granted his own cabin and out of absolutely no where comes the revaluation that he is the son of Poseidon, god of oceans, earthquacks and horses. Which is really weird when you think about it. Most of the bigger Olympian gods have more than one domain, but some of these domains seem completely unrelated. Athena for example, is the goddess of wisdom (Picture of an owl), battle tactics (Picture of a WWII battle plan) and craft (Picture of a box of Craft Macaroni and Cheese). Not seeing the connection there.
Anyway, I mentioned that these kids play the most intense game a capture the flag you've ever seen. The flags are red and silver and through the most confusing game-oriented scene of all time Percy is faced with the enemy flag. All seems well and alive until...
Annabeth jumps out of the bushes.
Dah! Bitch!
"You really think it would be that easy?" Annabeth asks. "My mother is goddess of wisdom and battle strategy. You know what that means? I always win." She proceeds to slash Percy with her sword, leaving him with two bad cuts.
Jesus, was this girl just possessed by Azula?
Clip of Azula through a flaming volleyball net. "Yes! We defeated you for all time! You will never rise from the ashes of your shame and humiliation!... Ah that was fun."
She acts like she wants to kill him! So at first Satan's misplaced daughter has the upper hand until Percy comes across a stream of Phoenix tears which heals his cuts and replenishes his strength.
"Water will give you power."
There's that voice again. Make it stop!
After this, Percy comes back with a vengeance...by not even touching that homicidal little bitch with the edge of his sword. The girl could have killed you and do nothing in response? So everyone, who I guess is too shocked to do anything else, literally stands there and lets him take the stupid flag. What a stupid game.
So that night, there's a party of some sort. We see a cute joke with Grover trying to hit on some nymphs who hit on Percy. Logical. Demon-girl appears out of nowhere again and shoos the nymphs away, and Grover runs off to get their numbers.
So Percy and his blatant love-interest get to talking, and for some reason they're acting like a couple of shy middle-schoolers who have their first serious crushes. She lets him know that his dad and her mom are rivals and they aren't really supposed to like each other. Talk about star-crossed lovers. And it's here we get a line that's memorable, strange, unnatural and cryptic all at the same time.
"I definitely have strong feelings for you. I just haven't decided if they're positive of negative yet."
(Whining) What does that me-e-ean! You cryptic who-o-ore!
Seriously, was she raised on that island from the Wicker Man movie? No teenager talks like that. In fact, no person talks like that! Not only that, but Annabeth's not sure weather or not she likes him? She almost killed him! She seemed pretty confidant about her feelings then. Or did she suddenly decide to fall in love with him after he defeated her?
So they share a supposedly-romantic-but-ultimatly-strange-and-stalkerish-stare that even Stephanie Mayor would be proud of, but are interrupted when Hades himself shoots out of the fire! (Clip of Demonic Hades in the fire) And holy hell, he looks awesome!
"Percy Jackson, show yourself!"
Wait, that's Hades' voice? It's the most un-evil, none-threatening, earthly voice ever. If you were going this route, the least you could have done was get James Woods to do the voice. So uncool Hades shows Percy that his mother is alive and if he wants her back he is to come to the Underworld and deliver Zeus' stolen lightening bolt to him.
This of course following that Percy neither has the bolt, nor would have any idea or conceivable reason to steal it, but Zeus doesn't care, he just wants something to blame on his brother-rival so he can have an excuse to destroy him. Sounds like George W Bush. Anyway, what better way than through that brother's son?
Getting back to the story, Percy wants to go alone to save his mother, but Grover and Annabeth are having none of it. And thus, the living tri-force is complete. Seriously, we've got Power (Percy), Wisdom (Annabeth), and Courage (Grover). Ganon beware.
So they go to Luke's cabin to bum advise off of him. His own cabin is a decked out man cave with a wide-screen tv, video games, gadgets, and other things I'm sure are illegal at this camp, even further hinting at what we already know is to come.
"I once broke into my dad's house. Got some cool stuff." Luke grins.
Too subtle! I swear, this kid is the reincarnation of Jet from Avatar. While there, though, he does loan the guys the pair of the coolest freaking shoes in the entire world.
Shot of Hermes iconic flying shoes.
He also has his favorite shield that he loans Percy, which isn't the least bit suspicious. Lastly, he gives them a map showing the locations of three magical pearls belonging to Hades' wife, Persephone, which they can use to escape the Underworld. Well, now what a minute! Persephone in the myth likes the underworld, or at least doesn't mind it, and she and Hades are in love. Why would she need a quick escape from a place she likes?
"He forced her to marry him." Annabeth says. "Keeps her prisoner."
W-w-what? Now this is what I meant by making crap up. I mean, it's not exactly a pretty story at first, but Hades' and Persephone have a close, loving relationship. Or at least they have much more successful marriage then most other gods. Once again, the story marches on!
Well, they leave the safety of the camp, which means all kinds of monsters can find and attack them. Actually, it dose get kind of annoying after a while. Nine out of ten people they encounter are monsters. The books take it further by revealing that every famous person in history from George Washington to Hitler to Black Beard actually were demigods like Percy.
But what's stranger than that is – Gah! (Critic jumps at a sudden busty noise.)
Dr. Smith: Ngoohoohoohoohoo!
Critic: Oh, man! What do you want?
Dr. Smith: I am here to execute my plans! The girl has led me here.
Critic: What, Annabeth? What about her?
Dr. Smith: She is a child of Athena, is she not? My spiders found her easily once they left that accursed camp.
Critic: Oh, yeah. Well, the movie omitted that entire plot.
Dr. Smith: What?
Critic: Yeah, everything about Ares, the water park and yeah, the spiders. Hehehe. That must be a pretty weird sentence to people who haven't read the books.
Dr. Smith: Wha-ha-hy would they do that?
Critic: I have no idea! There was no reason for the omission of half of the main plot! This is a big part of why the movies are considered a poor adaption of the books. That plot gave character to not only one, but three gods. Annabeth was made vulnerable by her arachnophobia, and thus added dept and humanity to her character as well.
That, along with the Mist, which doesn't make an appearance until the next movie, the godly powers like how the gods' auras mess with the perceptions and emotions of the protagonists and things like that. Oh, and there was also this side-plot that Percy was a fugitive in the mortal world because...I guess the Mist didn't like him, but I guess once they got rid of Ares, they naturally had to drop that as well.
Dr. Smith: It matters not! Annabeth is still a child of Athena. She and her brethren have an eternal rivalry with spiders, locked in an ever-lasting feud brought on by our heavenly matriarchs, Athena and Arachne.
Critic: What, that stupid weaving contest? Pretty dumb reason to condemn your kids to an eternal rivalry if ya ask me.
Dr. Smith: Silence! We shall attack anyway...
Critic: I'd really think twice about that, Spider-brain. (Clip of Percy defeating the miniature) You really wanna chance that? (Sees Dr. Smith is gone, apparently having fled) Thought so.
So anyway, they hop on a bus and find the first pearl apparently lying about in an intelligently placed garden statue shop that seems to be in the middle of nowhere. A stone garden statue shop, even better. So the kids make the always smart decision to split up in the needlessly creepy abandoned place and search for the pearl. Why? Grover and Percy have probably seen enough movies to know this isn't a good idea. Even than, Annabeth, who's thing is supposed to be wisdom, should really know better.
While there, they don't find the pearl, but they do find clues to what is already so painfully obvious it's making Blues Clues look like a collage-level documentary. Including Grover coming across a statue resembling his uncle who met his end at the hands of the infamous gorgon Medusa, and even more telling, a hysterical woman who finds Annabeth, screaming that her husband has been turned to stone. Hope you enjoy her, by the way. She's the only mortal they meet on their quest.
So they're confront by...a super model who just had laser eye sugary and wearing the world's weirdest hat.
"We get so lonely here. That's why I created my statues. They're my only company." The woman looks at Annabeth. She seems to speak in purrs. "Daughter of Athena."
"How do you know me?" Annabeth asks warily.
"You have such a beautiful hair. I used to have like that one before. I was courted, desired by many. But that all changed, because of your mother-who cursed me, who turned me into..."
Critic seems to be tensing up.
"Don't look!" Annabeth and the woman's hand cover their eyes.
"This." The woman removes her hate-thingy and snakes hiss.
"No." The Critic says. "No, no this isn't right! Medusa is supposed to be this hideously deformed creature. Some of the older legends even say that her ugliness is where he power comes from. Medusa in the myth was pretty once, but that was before Athena cursed her in the first place. Personally, I've always seen her as this; (Picture of Medusa as she was in the 80's Clash Of The Titans movie.)
Speakin'a which, Percy uses a mirror to distract Medusa so he can chop her head off. Is this meant as a homage to the original myth and the hero for which Percy himself is named, or simply a sign of lazy writing? Who cares, it awesome! In the books, he friggin mails the head to the gods as sort of a middle finger just in case he's being used as their puppet. Wouldn't we all? Here, they take it with them. What do they hope to do with it, I don't know.
So they find the pearl on Medusa's wrist, grab it and head back out. Hey, if Medusa is defeated but will come back soon enough, what'll happen to the head they have? Will it disappear or is their just a bunch of Medusa's decapitated heads scattered around the world? Wouldn't that get people's attention considering they turn people to freaking stone?
Questions unanswered, they steal a car and of course know how to drive it.
Cut to Percy thinking underwater in a shot nearly identical to the opening of the film.
What just happened, did the movie reset itself? No, water-boy was just sitting underwater again. Only this time, Annabeth is there to meet him instead of Grover. The dummies took refuge in a hotel for the night, apparently having the money for a quality room with a swimming pool that appears to be closed for the night. Despite this, no one seems to care that two teenagers are hanging out at the edge looking like they're about to have hot pool-sex.
"What happened to you?" Percy asks. There is a red bruise on Annabeth's wrist.
"Oh, that poor old lady who turned to stone, she...She had a tight grip."
"Check this out." Percy says and takes her hand.
Now drag her under! (Percy heals Annabeth's wrist.) No, instead of doing what most boys in his position would do, he instead contributes to what I'm sure is a budding cliche and uses the water to magically heal her hand.
(Voice-over of Jeong Jeong, from the Avatar: The Last Airbender: You have healing abilities. The great benders of the Water Tribe sometimes have this ability.)
So they get to talking about their parents, leading into the gods and how there's a law prohibiting them from seeing their demigod children. It was apparently passed right after Percy and Annabeth were born because Poseidon was neglecting his duties as God of the Sea because he spent so much time with his earthy wife and son. Is it me, or do they make it sound like it would be better to just prohibit mating with mortals in the first place?
In the book, this law had applied only to the Big Three and had been around since World War Two, with the implication that Hitler himself is the son of Hades. How dare they insult Hades in such a way! Also in the books, the reason the gods rarely interacted with their kids was because they were supposedly too busy. That's right. Too busy to interact with their kids, but not busy enough to stop fooling around with mortals in the first place.
So, Percy and Annabeth are making their love-eyes at each other, lookin' all romancy and what-not, only to be cock-blocked by Grover.
"Yo, Percy! Get in here, man, this is ugly!" Grover shouts from a window.
So on the TV they see a reporter interviewing Gabe about Sally and Percy's disappearance. Kinda pointless seeing how, as I've already said, they abandoned that story arch. The for-mentioned ugly part is that Gabe is painting Percy as an alcoholic drug junkie who kidnapped Sally and Grover is his evil accomplice. After that they start counting their curses, including Grover holding Medusa's severed head up in complaint, resulting in a hotel worker seeing it. She doesn't get turned to stone, but she dose freak out, scream and run away.
So getting back on the road, they find that the second pearl is in the Parthenon in Nashville. It's in a huge statue and the kids have to wait until night when no one's there. Annabeth knocks the guards out and they somehow get to the thing. But the guards wake up and reveal that they are not only not human, they're all one monster!
The guards turn into a hydra. Critic looks amazed.
That thing looks awesome! If this is where the budget went, it was well worth it! Unfortunately, Percy chooses now to be a bone-head by cutting of a head. Dumb ass. Even newbies know you don't try to decapitate a hydra! It's one of the first rules of Greek monster fighting.
Luckily, it's Grover to the rescue as he uses Medusa's head to petrify the beast. Is it weird that all I can think of while I watch this scene is that the museum would make a shit ton of money with their new, life sized, flawlessly detailed hydra statue?
The third and final pearl is in the Lotus Casino in Las Vagas, despite the fact that there hasn't been a Lotus Casino in Las Vagas for years. There is an active one in California, which I wish they would have done instead because if they did we could do this. ('Hotel California' plays in the background.)
So this place right from the get-go screams demonic. Never mind that they allow three clearly underage kids with no adult in sight into a casino, but they also serve them these things like look like the pink frosting flowers you'd see on a kid's birthday cake. But those birthday delicacies, which the staff are giving away for free when they could be making good money, seem to be laced with every addictive substance known to man. The ideots forget what they were doing and happily partake in the Las Vagas money death trap. I say this calls for a Katy Perry song!
"Shut up and put your money where your mouth is, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas!
Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas!"
"No, Percy. Don't eat the flower."
So Percy wakes up and finds that the Lotus casino is an...evil casino that has been keeping people captive for centuries, an easy feat as time seems to stop inside. What happens when you have to pee? Percy shakes his pals out of their delusions. He saves Grover from marrying a bunch of different women and Annabeth from...I don't know, getting picked up by some creepy middle-aged guy. They find the last pearl in some die being used in a game and snatch it up.
They rush through the casino and make the most implausible escape possible. They hop into the prized car on display, the keys of which are right there in the ignition, I am dead serious, and drive through and out of the building.
So, now with all three pearls, the map shows them the entrance to the Underworld, which is in...Hollywood...oh, there are so many jokes to make, I don't know where to start.
Anyway, they go to Hollywood, find the gateway to Hell, which is a literal doorway in the Hollywood sign, and ride the famous River Styx. There, they meet Rosario Dawson as Persephone and the booming, angry voice of Steve Coogan as Hades.
Alright, there is no excuse for this one. Camp half-blood is a summer camp, so this story takes place in late spring, early summer. Persephone is not supposed to be in the underworld! She spends fall and winter in the underworld, that's the whole reason the seasons exist in the first place, don't you know that?
"Persephone! What could possibly be taking so long? Don't ignore me!" Hades yells.
"Or what? What will you do? I'm already in Hell." Persephone yells off screen.
That joke wasn't funny.
So Hades tells Greek Jesus to give him the lightening bolt, which the kid claims not to have. But, oop! Percy had the bolt the whole time because it was hidden in Luke's stupid shield – wah wah! Also, there is no disbelief or hesitation here, they just readily embrace Luke is the culprit. I mean, Percy kind of has a reason for this, he barley knew Luke, but Annabeth and Grover have known the boy for years and had this history with him – aw, forget it.
Well, in the book, Hades' didn't care about the stupid bolt, he wanted his crown thingy which was stolen alongside the bolt, but it wasn't made a big deal out of because Zeus is God and Hades is less important then barren dirt. Ya know, I would be in a pissy mood all the time too if everyone thought that of me. Anyway, here Hades just wants the bolt for some kind of power.
And power this guy needs if his captive can knock him out by hitting him in the head with the bolt. She releases Sally and the kids, having never considered this problem in week-long trip to get her back, have to decide who will stay behind so Sally can go home as well. What idiots. So ultimately Grover stays behind to hang with Persephone.
(Persephone smiles. Grover gives a nervous bleat. Critic cracks up.)
I forgot about that! In the books, Grover would always bleat like a sheep or a goat. I really liked that about him, it was pretty fun.
So Percy, Annabeth and Sally teleport to the Empire State Building and are attacked by the apparently evil Luke. Eh, we got enough Avatar jokes in this one. Apparently Luke wants to have the gods destroy each other so the demigods can claim their thrones. Insert a joke about history repeating itself here. I mean it, is that not the same thing the gods themselves did to the titans? I mean, besides the part were they fought them honorably instead of tricking them to destroying themselves because that shows some level of cowardice?
So Percy confronts him and they have the water fight to end all water fights, even though Percy is rarely seen exorcising his power aside from first aid usage. (The Sith Theme plays over the battle.) Percy makes the water into a friggin trident and throws it at Luke. And even though it's water, not ice, it's apparently solid enough to send the flying fool...well, flying into the bay and go bye-bye.
So, heading up to the...courtroom of the depressingly unimpressive gods...Percy, his mom and Annabeth appear before them. He returns the bolt, tells on Luke, and estranged father and embittered son are allowed to speak for one minute.
Getting back to camp half-blood, everything's all better and Percy's apparently spending the rest of the summer there. We also learn that while in Hell, Hades was nice enough to give Sally a brain so she'd leave that asshole stepfather and she kicked him out of the apparent. Grover is back too, having been promoted or something, and given a pair of teeny-tiny horns.
...That sounded dirty...
Percy finds Annabeth and volunteers to sword fight with her, who in turn pulls off a move that is both completely awesome and frustrating.
Annabeth caresses Pery's face lovingly and leans in like she's going to kiss him. At the last second, though, she pulls back to reveal that she stole Percy's sword while he was distracted by the not-kiss. Annabeth grins, holding both swords. "Don't ever let your opponent distract you." Eventually, she tosses him his sword and they sword fight.
And they all lived confusingly every after. And that's Percy Jackson and the Olympians' first movie, The Lightening Thief.
Now, as we've said all throughout this review, the books are awesome. As par most book-based movies, this is expected, but it's not bad by any means. While the changes might not always make sense, they're not really that bad and keep the main story focused on where the focus needs to be; on our main characters. While I admit, certain things like aging the characters up probably wasn't the smartest move, especially if you plan to do all the books, and having Hades be an all-out villain rather then the tortured, misunderstood soul his was in the book isn't for me, it's still a pretty cool movie by itself.
And that's all there is to say about that! I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
I've loved NC for years, I hope I got him down. I don't think he would make as many references to the books that I have, but come on! I really hated how they handled Percabeth, too. Review.