The Tooth of Doom!

by OtterFrog

Uh oh, Zim's got a toothache! (What would one expect with all those snacks?) How would he cope with this new development?

-The Tooth of DOOM!-

First the usual stuff: I don't own the characters from Invader Zim, they all ran away from me (Darn it. Mental note, next time use bigger net)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maybe it was the large amounts of sweet stuffs he ate, having found that was just about the only edible food he could find on this planet.

Perhaps it was the amount of Kool-Aid he drank, also infused with a good deal of sugar to cancel out the water effect and to make it more palatable.

Or could it have been the chopsticks Gir had cooked within the waffles because of an ad he saw on tv about how most eople didn't get enough fiber in their diet and he wanted his master to be healthy.
Whatever the reason, Zim felt an unusual pang on the right side of his jaw as he walked to the skool building, a pang that seemed to be growing no matter how he tried to ignore it. By the time he entered the building he was at the point of moaning in pain. Only the thought of the proper behavior of an Irken invader kept him from doing so.

He flung himself down at his desk and gingerly probed the area with his tongue. When it hit a particularly sensitive spot he winced so sharply the other kids glanced at him. Just a mere glance, then they went back to focussing on their own problems.

Aside from Dib, of course. Anythin Zim did was to be observed and used against the alien in any way possible. Whatever was causing him pain at the moment needed to be looked into further.

"All right, class," came the grating hissing tone of Ms. Bitters. "I hope you remembered the very simple task of reviewing the history of bottle corks on the battle fields. I only gave you the one assignment since I know you cannot possible handle two!"

During the what-passed-for-lunch time Zim did even poking and moving his foodstuffs around on his tray, seeming more distracted than usual. Dib paused on the way to his seat.

"Problem, Zim? I didn't hear much of your usual yelling and insults today. Cat got your tongue?"

"And why would such an abominable earth creature dare to steal Zim's tongue, Dib-worm? Augh!" The cold air that came into Zim's mouth as he was talking made the pang even sharper and he shut his mouth with a snap. "Go away and consume your disgusting worm bait and leave Zim alone!" he finished through almost closed lips.

"Huh, didn't know you could speak without your mouth being totally open like that. Trying to become a ventriloquist?"

"If Zim was, then Dib-Stink would be the first who's ventril I will remove! Leave Zim!" As soon as Dib walked off Zim gingerly rubbed his cheek. He still wasn't sure what exactly was happening here. Probably some Earth plague, he had been tossed into his Irken ship to leave for this disgusting planet so fast he wasn't sure if his Pak had been programmed with all the health injections he required. As soon as he got back to his base he would do a complete checkup on himself.

At recess he was still rubbing his cheek while he leaned against the tree that afforded him some small protection from the various balls tossed around. Dib 'casually' walked by, hands in his pockets.
"Oh, there you are, Zim! Still having problems?"

Zim snapped his hand down. "Problems? The only problem Zim has is YOU! Go throw some of those spherical inflated orbs around like the other kid pigs."

"Looks to me like you have a toothache." Dib observed as he leaned against the fence.

"Toothache? Zim? Never! Zim's teeth do not ache! See? Aow." Once again his shouting caused cold air to come in contact and the pain grew. Zim shut his mouth, looked away and tried to resist rubbing his cheek again.

"Toothache's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens all the time." Dib shrugged. He also looked away but just to keep the glee from creeping up into his eyes. "Just another normal HUMAN thing to take care of!"

"Well, I WILL take care of it, me being human and all!" Zim glared at the irritating creature, but inside he was wondering just how one -did- resolve this pain? He didn't want to ask but oh it was becoming unbearable! "I will wait until the tooth heals, that's all."

"Heals?" Dib smirked. "Oh no, teeth don't heal! They have to come out!"

"Come...out?" Humans could remove their teeth at will? This was very strange, a part of their anatomy he hadn't observed before. Well, if humans could do it then so could Zim! "Yes, of course they do! I will take it out! See?"

The Irken reached in his own mouth, tried to grasp the offending tooth and pulled. His grip slipped off the slippery surface and he tried again. And again.

Dib quivered, trying not to laugh out loud at the sight of the alien trying to pull his own tooth out! Where was his camera when he needed it?

"Zim, what are you doing, trying to choke yourself? Next time let me know so I can watch from the beginning. Or if I could help." Gaz said as she passed by with her ever present game.

'Help'? Dib almost thanked his sister out loud for the thought. "No Zim, you can't do it that way. You have to have the right tool!"

"Tool?" Zim had given up on his own tooth pulling and was running his tongue along the inside of his cheek again. A tooth pulling tool, his mind raced through all the equipment in his Pak. Screwdrivers, lasers, pincers...Pincers! That was it! But not in front of the Dib-thing, of course! "You will tell me of this tool, Dib-dirt!"

"I'll do better! I'll go get it and I'll even help you, Zim!" Dib raced off, snickering. Oh he was going to enjoy this! He knew just where to get the 'dental tools', the janitor's closet! Surely there would be a pair of pliers there somewhere. If they happened to be a bit rusty, all the better!

The closet was unlocked as usual, with the usual 'Staff only' sign hanging crookedly on the door. It was also dark and cluttered as usual. Dib poked his head in and pulled out his flashlight. There was no way he was going to feel around for the lightswitch in that room! A guy could get tentanus or something!

He ran the light along the various tools haphazardly hung on the pegboard. many years ago some one had actually attempted to straighten the mess out and put some sort of order to it but it didn't last long, obviously. A hammer hung against the outline of a large flathead screwdriver and the screwdrivers were surrounded by outlines of other tools. One more swing and the light fell upon a nice large pair of ancient needle nosed pliers.

Dib grinned. "Perfect!" He grabbed them up then backed out of the odorous closet. Once outside he tried opening and closing the tool a few times, grunting with effort at the first few attempts, then finally getting them to close and open somewhat easier. Flakes of rust and unknown material floated from the joint. "Ok Zim! Operation:Operation!"

The alien was still attempting to pull his own tooth out when Dib returned. He suspiciously eyed the tool in Dib's hands as he approached. "THAT is what you use to remove teeth? I thought it was for sinks and the water fountain that never works!"

"We humans have versatile tools," Dib flourished the pliers. "One tool can doo several jobs! We have...erm...USEFUL tools! Ok, open wide!"

Surprisingly Zim did as he said and Dib made a face as he looked down into the alien mouth. "Geez, don't you ever brush your teeth, Zim? Or at least use a mouthwash! Oh, that must be the trouble right...there!" He slowly pushed the needle nosed pliers forward then gripped the tooth firmly. Zim gave a sharp yelp. "Hold still!"

"It HUURRTTTTSSSSSS!" Dib winced as the screech sounded right in his face and he got the full blast of alien breath (along with some alien spittle) but he wasn't about to let the opportunity go. 'If I can get this tooth out I'll have a sample of Zim's DNA!" he chuckled to himself. 'Then they'll HAVE to believe me!' Aloud he said "Almost there, Zim! Almost...yeow!"

"AAAUUUUUUUGGGHHHH!" Unable to stand the pain any longer Zim uttered the now familiar yelling-at-the-top-of-whatever-passes-for-Irken-lungs, jerked Dib off his feet and he was now spinning around like a top, still holding on to the pliers. The kids were used to Zim's daily yelling about something or other but this sight was new. Gaz glanced over and the corners of her mouth twitched as a smile -almost- crept across her features.

"Hey! That looks like fun!" one small kid pointed. "Hey can I have a turn on Zim's tooth too?""

"Yeah! me too!" "I'm next!" "I asked first!" "well get in line then!"

Unfortunately for the hopeful players Dib lost his grip finally, went sailing over the fence and crashed into the skool dumpster. Zim,pressing his hands firmly against his cheek, went running off into another direction causing a series of disappointed 'awwww's' from the kids. They went back to their interrrupted occupations.

The Irken didn't stop running until he reached his base and then quickly slipped in and slammed the door. Gir looked up from the couch where he had been trying to fit crayons into the remote. "Hi master!You're home early! DID YOU BRING SAMMICHES?"

"No Gir. I've been injured in some sneaky Earthy fashion! Ooowww ohhhhhhh..." Zim once again pressed his hands against his cheek. "HELP ME!"

"Master hurt? Ohhhhhh tsk tsk." Gir put on a sympathetic pout. "Lemme kiss it and makes it allllll better!"

"That won't help, Gir. Come here and look in my mouth and see what FIENDISH device they slipped in on me!"

Gir obediently slipped off the couch and peered into Zim's mouth. "Ooooohhhh I know what you need!"

Zim almost collasped in relief. "Good, Gir! What?"

"Whitening strips! Your teeth are yellowing!" Gir rummaged around in his head compartment and found some clear plastic strips. "This will help Master!"

A few minutes later with a mouthful of strips stuck every which way in his mouth Zim mumbled "Dish ishn't hepping, Gir." He spat out the strips and looked up at the house ceiling. "Computor!"

"Hmm?"

"Define the Earth term 'toothache'!"

"Toothache. A pain in or around the dental area or supporting structure."

"Cause?"

"Inflammation of the nerve within the tooth or pulp."

"And what causes the inflammations?"

"Tooth decay, dental trauma, abcesses, hypersensitivity..."

"Ok ok, what is the cure?"

"Repairing damaged tooth or removal thereof."

"So the Dib-Stink was telling the truth after all." Zim mused. "All right then, how do the humans remove a tooth?"

They go to a specialist with the title of 'dentist'."

"And how does this...dentist...remove the tooth?"

The computer was mute for a few moments then returned with "There is no data on the actual methods."

"So I'll have to go to this dentist thing to find out. Oh well, it's wither that or keep hurting. Gir! Find out where trhe nearest dentist is!"

"Ok! Do you need the tooth fairy too?"

"Tooth what?"

"Tooth fairy! If you lose a tooth you put it under your pillow and at night the tooth fairy comes, takes your tooth and leaves you something nice in return. Like a cupcake!"

"Every tooth, Gir?"

"Ummmmm I think so yes!"

It sounded like a lot of human teeth but then Zim had no idea how many teeth one human had removed during their lifetime. "What does this tooth fairy do with all these teeth?"

"Ahhhhhhh I dunno! Piggy!" Gir produced his favorite toy and began squeezing it happily.

"Gir. The dentist?"

"Oh yeah!" Gir squeaked his piggy a few times then said brightly "Piggy says there's one two blocks from here, going downtown!"

"Very well, I shall go to this dentist, have this tooth removed and return TRIUMP...oowwwww...phant."