Stick of Truth Ending Spoilers! Immense Coon Saga Spoilers.

Get comfortable; you're in for a treat! The Cthulu Mythos returns to South Park, squashing macabre mystery and your favorite demented fourth graders together into a delicious brain feast!

In all seriousness, here's what to expect: No pairings. No crack. No OOC behavior. No AU. Proper research into Cthulu Mythos and South Park canon. Speculations that build upon established canon and do not conflict with it.

The New Kid has a purposely varied appearance and nature, so I will leave it that way.

Each chapter will be small on average, around 400-2000 words, depending on free time and natural stopping points.

This tale features: Mysterion, Kenny, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Butters, the new kid, Clyde, Wendy, some parents, and many recurring minor characters thus far.

Rated T: Violence, crude humor.

Edit 4/28/2014: I've rewritten this chapter to flow better and hint more deeply at character motivations.

Edit 11/04/2014: I've rewritten the intro text.

When I awoke, the first thing I could see was Butters Stotch, the Paladin, twiddling his fingers nervously. "Is she okay?"

My best friend Stan Marsh kneeled over my recumbent form, checking my pulse and breathing, his face filled with anger and worry. "Yeah, he's alive again. I guess Douchebag canceled out whatever that goo stuff was, thank God."

Butters sighed in relief. "Okay that's good. This means we've just earned a happy ending. Wait- oh hamburgers, look at the time. My dad's gonna kill me. Guys? Princess Kenny's back to normal and we have the stick. Can I go home now before I get grounded? Fellas?" Stan turned around and waved his sword at the naive blond. "Shut up you little pussy! Go home already!"

If I didn't know better, it almost seemed as though Butters was going to defend himself. His brows furrowed and he lifted a pointed finger, but then he just hobbled off with a sad look in his eyes.

I let out a little groan. "What am I lying on? It's so soft."

Kyle Broflovski, the Elf King and my other best friend, walked up to me hand in hand with his little brother, the Pirate King Ike. "You're lying on Cartman," he stated, matter-of-fact. This new information encouraged me to sit up quickly, and both of my best friends helped me to my feet. I turned around to face Eric Cartman's motionless body, only minimally concerned. He wasn't my friend by choice and I would never be lucky enough to lose him.

Just as we were going to give in to our moralities and check on dickface, he coughed and sat up, readjusting his outfit and brushing himself off. "It worked! Princess Kenny's back to normal. And it's all thanks to the Great Wizard King, you guys. I saved the day for real!"

I could see Kyle's poor brain thinking through recent events, and in utter confusion and dismay, he submitted. "Yeah, and this time you didn't even cause what happened in the first place. You really, honestly saved the day... from Kenny."

All three turned their attentions to me, angry and betrayed. Of course though, Eric was merely hiding a shitfaced grin. "That's why I say never trust a vagina, even if it's a dick."

I glowered at the cockfucker. "It's that kind of sexist bullshit that turned me against you in the first place!"

Stan crossed his arms, leaning on his sword. "Dude, seriously, that doesn't justify you betraying us. Cartman's an asshole to everyone and you don't see us turning into Nazi Zombies."

Stan's platonic life partner Kyle agreed. "Yeah, what the hell came over you Kenny?! Drinking that goo?! What were you thinking, doing something so dangerous?! Everyone could have died! What if you didn't come back?"

Cartman put his hands on his hips, mocking anger and concern. "Yeah Kenny, you could have killed us if it weren't for me, for seriously! This was supposed to be a game, but you took it way too far!"

"I took it too far?" I rudely shrugged and rolled my eyes, still feeling a sense of justified rebellion bubbling up inside of me. "I guess I was just PMSing, or maybe it's been too long since my snatch has been pounded," I replied in the most sophisticated girl voice I could muster, dusting off my dress.

The boys, even Eric Cartman, all dropped their jaws on the floor. "I knew it!" the buttmunch cried, pointing an accusatory sausage finger in my direction. "Girls are always obsessed with their va-jay-jays and if boys don't satisfy them they PMS! Penis Man-hating Psycho-bitches! Or feminists, for short. Kenny, all this acting like a girl has poisoned your mind!"

"Yes, King Eric, you're exactly right," I replied with false sweetness and then swept an angry glance towards the new kid, the boy who'd just saved the entire town from me. "And considering this, that makes my actions entirely your fault, Douchebag!" He simply watched on with that vacant yet somehow appealing stare.

I pointed my delicately painted finger at him. "You were supposed to woo me Douchebag! But you didn't and then I got so PMSy that I nearly destroyed the entire world! GOD! What's a girl gotta do to get some goddamn poontang around here!?"

Everyone looked from the new kid to me questioningly, still completely flabbergasted. And yet, the new kid hadn't responded with so much as a raised eyebrow. Something's seriously wrong with him. Well, of course something's wrong with him; he moved to South Park. It seems Cartman did something right when he dubbed this kid 'Douchebag'. His lack of emotion is really starting to get on my nerves. Even Craig would have at least flipped me off for this.

Despite the new kid's lack of response, my diversion still worked. It gave me the chance to escape Clyde Donovan's impressive tree house and avoid answering to my friends, at least for a little while longer. Seriously though, how was that tree house much nicer than my actual house? Fucking Clyde.

I readjusted my golden locks self consciously, contemplating my strange behavior as I walked home. What was I thinking indeed Kyle? I was playing a game, and then suddenly I was actually angry at everyone, like as if I'd been betrayed. But why? What gave me the right to feel that way?

I'm the one who betrayed everyone. They could have died. I should have known that stuff would turn me into an invincible monster, considering I already am one. If it weren't for Douchebag and Cartman, I might have lost everyone I cared about.

Yet I'm still pissed off and I don't know why.