Dipper was leaning back in a chair with his feet up on the counter of the Mystery Shack's gift shop. He looked up from his Journal through the shop's rain-streaked windows and gave a bored sigh. Returning to the book he felt a slight pinch on his arm and looked down to see a mosquito filling its abdomen. With laser focus Dipper raised his hand and readied the strike, when he was blitzed by a blur of sweater and brown locks.

"DIPPERDIPPERDIPPER! LOOOOK!" After a quick tumble Dipper found himself on the floor behind the counter with that day's Gravity Falls Gossiper shoved into his face. He took the paper from his sibling assailant and held it out so that he could actually read it.

"Recent Polls Suggest Shandra Jimenez Should Return My Calls-?"

"No not that!" said Mabel, pointing below the fold. "Here!"

"Anemia Cases On the Rise." Mabel bounced expectantly while Dipper regarded the headline with incredulity. "I don't know Mabel, given the diets of the people who live in this town, I can't say I'm surprised." Mabel threw back her head in exasperation.

"Ug! Read the rest!"

"Authorities are baffled by a recent jump in cases of anemia, which have risen by 200% over the past month. Victims range in age from eight to eighty and the cases appear to be linked due to the consistent presence of mysterious, red marks." Mabel peered brightly over the top of the paper. "Wait…" said Dipper. "Anemia…?" Mabel began to squeal quietly. "…and mysterious marks…?" Mabel's squeal grew louder. Dipper looked up as the ideas came crashing together in his mind. "Mabel! Could this be…?" The two locked eyes.

"VAMPIRES!" they cried simultaneously.

"Yes! Yes! YES!" cheered Mabel as she jumped around the room.

"I can't believe it! I'll finally be able to check another classic movie monster off my list." Dipper opened to the last page of the Journal where checkmarks had been placed next to "Invisible Man," "Werewolf," "Gill Man" and "Mummy."

"One day Phantom…" said Dipper wistfully. "One day."

…

The next evening Dipper and Mabel were toting a small laden wagon through the town junkyard towards the swamp at the far end. It had just stopped raining and the rusted contents of the yard were dull and gloomy under the murky sky. "This has to be the place," said Dipper. "The anemia cases from the past month all occurred somewhere close to this swamp, so it must be where the vampire has been living, or un-living, I guess."

"That nurse was really helpful." said Mabel, adjusting her flashy star earrings.

"Yeah, remind me never to go to that hospital if there is anything embarrassing wrong with me." They stopped at the edge of the swamp and Dipper began to unload the wagon while Mable checked her hair in a small compact. Dipper set down a bucket filled with brown meat from their Grunkle's emergency supply and a small oscillating fan at the end of a massive extension cord.

"I still think we should've tried to get blood." said Mabel, smoothing out the creases in her sparkly bat-patterned sweater.

"Mabel, blood is just meat's laidback cousin. This should work just as well." Dipper adjusted the bucket and flipped on the fan, which began wafting the smell into the swamp.

"Good thing McGucket let us use his outlet. Thanks Man!" McGucket emerged randomly from a nearby tree.

"ANY TIME! DON'T FORGET TO SAVE ME THE TEETH! THEY'LL LOOK GREAT IN MY COLLAGE OF ABOMINATIONS WHATS SHOULDN'T EXIST!" The grizzled prospector cackled wildly and cartwheeled back into the junkyard.

"I'm glad he's found a new hobby," said Mabel approvingly. Dipper pulled the cart behind a nearby log within view of the bucket.

"Now we just sit back, relax, and wait for it to take the bait."

"Aren't you a little worried about going up against a vampire? Aren't they, like, super dangerous."

"Mabel, vampires may seem tough, but I've got one critical advantage over all the Helsings, Belmonts and Buffys of this world: Genre Savvy." Dipper opened his windbreaker to reveal a garlic clove necklace, a pouch of mustard seeds and a bandolier with ash, thorn wood, oak, wild rose and steel stakes.

"I was wondering why I kept thinking of pizza," said Mabel.

"Oh sure, I could try to stake the super strong, super fast creature of the night capable of transmogrifying into bats, wolves and mist. Or…" Dipper pulled a large squirt gun from the wagon. "I could just squirt it with some holy water from a safe distance. Or for even greater ease…" he lifted a UV light at end of another extension cord, "I could just shine a light on him." Mabel looked down at her special sweater, a little deflated.

"I guess those are some easily exploited weaknesses."

"I know right? How does anyone ever lose to these things?"

"So why did you bring all those stakes?"

"It never hurts to have a contingency plan. Plus, I think I kind of pull off the bandolier."

"It suits you."

"Thank you." Dipper reached into a cooler they'd brought and handed Mabel a water balloon. "As a final guarantee, while I hit him with the light and the squirt gun you'll chuck these puppies. There's literally no way we can miss."

"Where did you get all of this holy water?"

"I'd rather not say…I just hope that priest with the glasses didn't have any baptisms anytime soon."

The pair waited patiently behind the log as dusk rolled through the swamp. The sound of the fan was all but drowned out by an oppressive chorus of insects and frogs. Dipper and Mabel shifted uncomfortably on the muddy ground while water dripped from the still-wet branches of the trees that ringed the basin. The clouds parted, and the swamp was illuminated by the glow of the waxing Moon.

"How long is this supposed to take?" asked Mabel.

"I don't know," said Dipper, some doubt creeping into his voice. "Maybe I was wrong about the-look!" Through the fog the pair caught the shape of a lanky figure darting between the trees. They crouched down and peeked cautiously over the top of the log. The sickly visage leapt effortlessly from tree to tree, before landing silently near the bait. It crept towards the bucket just as the clouds moved back in front of the Moon, obscuring its features. Dipper readied his squirt gun and nodded at Mabel, who held up her water balloon and solemnly nodded back. Just as the creature had lustfully dipped its wide, attenuated hands into the bucket Dipper sprang from behind the log and let loose with moist, sacramental justice. Mabel began hurling balloons frantically and both easily found their mark. The creature seemed to bubble and contort, and Dipper readied the UV lamp for the final blow. "We've got him!" he shouted, floored by just how easy it had been.

He flipped on the light and they got their first look at the beast. The creature's face and body were jet black and featureless, save for a fine, bumpy texture. The places where it had been hit appeared to be boiling over with thousands of tiny, black globules, which seemed to detach, hover, and then rejoin the rapidly closing wounds. The twins leaned in closer, and then drew back in disgust.

Mosquitoes. The pulsating wound, the creature's bumpy skin, and everything beneath was made of mosquitoes. Millions of jostling, buzzing, interlocked mosquitoes.

Dipper and Mabel stood in stunned silence."Dipper…" she whispered, her voice trembling.

"Yeah?" managed Dipper.

"I think we might have been wrong about the whole vampire thing." The creature completely re-formed and turned its faceless face towards the duo. Dipper stepped back and tripped over the cord for the light. The creature lunged and Dipper heard Mabel grunt as she lobbed another balloon into the creature's head.

"Mabel! What are you doing? Holy water isn't going to do anything!"

"Who cares!? It's still distracting!" Dipper looked up to see the creature momentarily stunned as it regenerated its face. Dipper stood and joined his sister in tossing balloons as they backed their way out of the swamp towards the junkyard. After a few more hits the creature threw down its hands and dissolved into a massive swarm. The buzzing cloud rose into the sky and came crashing down on Dipper and Mabel.

"Duck!" cried Dipper. They hit the ground as the bloodthirsty horde surged overhead. When the buzzing had dissipated they shot up and began weaving their way through the cluttered yard. They turned the corner around a ruined car and ran headlong into an unknown, boney figure. They screamed as the terrifying visage came into view. Old Man McGucket, illuminated by the glow of a lantern, let loose with his own scream.

"AAAAHHHH! Hey. What are-what are we doing here?" he asked jovially. Relieved, Mabel and Dipper rose to explain what had happened, when they caught a glimpse of the black figure towering above the old man. McGucket cocked his head curiously at the sight of their terrified faces. He turned around and bumped into the creature. Slowly he examined it from waist to head, and after a moment of silence broke out into a manic jig. "WELL HELLO THERE TALL DARK AND HORRIFYING! HOW'D YOU LIKE T…uhhhh." The creature planted its hand on McGucket's neck and the color drained from his face. It released its hand, leaving behind a dark red mark. "whoo, I'm…I'm a little…hooo." McGucket slumped over and passed out on the ground. The creature turned back to Dipper and Mabel, who were already sprinting for the yard's main gate, which they found locked for the night.

"What are we gonna do?!" asked Mabel breathlessly.

"I don't know!" said Dipper as he pounded his fist against the gate. "I don't have anything that can stop it! We need to get out of the open!"

"There!" yelled Mabel, shoving Dipper into an abandoned car. She jumped in after him and grasped the handle to close the door. "It's stuck!" she yelled. Dipper crawled over and took hold. The two pulled mightily and the door came loose, slamming shut just in time to deflect the disembodied swarm of insects, which hit the window with a palpable thud. The angry swarm buzzed and warbled around the wrecked car, prodding for an entrance. Finding none, the creature reassembled and crawled onto the hood. It peered through the grime with its eyeless face and placed a single spindly hand on the windshield. It leaned in close, and then leapt off, leaving only a single, angular handprint.

The twins slumped into the car's worn bench and Mabel breathed a loud sigh of relief. Dipper fumbled out of his jacket and threw the stake bandolier against the dash with disgust.

"Whoa. What's wrong Bro?" asked Mabel, taken aback by the uncharacteristic outburst.

"What am I doing Mabel? I look through this Journal and I think I have it all figured out but I don't. I rushed into this and my stupid plan was completely useless!" He kicked the dash and turned away from his sister. Mabel reached out instinctively, but stopped herself. She pulled back and rested her head against the seat. Outside it started to drizzle and the handprint on the windshield began to blur and fade. Mabel sighed again and looked up at the roof.

"You're right." she acknowledged. "We rushed in and we were not prepared." She faced Dipper's back. "But Dipper, when have we ever been prepared?" Dipper didn't stir and she turned back to the roof. "I don't know what's up with this town. It's full of monsters and ghosts and it's scary and sometimes dark…" she paused and listened to the rain peppering the car. She smiled and turned back to Dipper "…but it's also wonderful. This summer I've seen things I never would have guessed existed. And Dipper, doing all this with you has been fun."

"Is any of that going to be worth it when we find something we can't handle?" Dipper asked darkly, still facing away from his sister.

"I don't think there's anything in this world we can't handle Bro Bro. But even if we do someday meet that terrible something I'd tell you the same thing." she grabbed Dipper's shoulder and rolled him over so they were face to face. "Of course it's worth it dumb-dumb." Dipper smiled and wiped his eye.

"I did look pretty good in that bandolier." he said quietly. Mabel smiled broadly and reached down for the belt.

"Yes you did." she said, laying it gently in his arms. "So…any ideas for how we don't spend the rest of our lives in this car?" In front of them they saw McGucket woozily making his way back to his shack.

"All the attacks seem to happen at night, so I guess the best thing to do is to just wait it out here until morning-." Dipper was cut off by the sound of something heavy smashing into the roof of the car. A car door slid off the roof and clattered to the ground. "What the heck?" Dipper and Mabel pressed up against the window and looked up. Their car had been parked next to one of several precarious stacks of vehicles, the closest of which was swaying dangerously. "How is it…Oh my gosh it's trying to push those cars onto us."

"What are we going to do!?"

"Ahhh, ummm, ok. My new plan is 'Don't Get Crushed.' We'll figure out the rest after that." Dipper grasped the door handle and started pushing with all his strength. "I can't get it open!" he cried. Mabel put her back against the door and pushed against the seat, but the door remained stuck. "Notgoodnotgoodnotgood." said Dipper as he strained against the door.

"Wait!" said Mabel. "I know what to do." Dipper backed off and Mabel braced herself. She reached out…and began nonchalantly working the window crank.

"Oh yeah." said Dipper, nonplussed. He followed Mabel out the window just as the tower of cars passed the point of no return. "RUN!" he yelled as the tower came crashing down into the yard. Atop the other pile the creature observed their frenzied escape and began its pursuit through the strengthening rain. Dipper's mind was racing. They had to get out of the yard where they'd have some options, but the gate was closed and the fence was too tall to climb. "Mabel!" he yelled, "I just remembered! There's a hole in the fence! Follow me!" He cut over and soon they were within sight of the hole. "Go!" yelled Dipper. Mabel hit the ground and slid along the mud through the hole, tumbling out the other side. Dipper was halfway through when he felt something grab his ankle and wrench him back through the fence.

He looked up and found himself face-to-face with the creature, close enough to make out each writhing individual insect in its flat face. It reached for his neck, when out of instinct Dipper scooped up a handful of mud and smashed it into the creature's face. It drew back, and shook off the muddy portion of its head, which twitched and buzzed helplessly on the ground. It readied for another strike when more mud smacked it in the face, this time from behind Dipper.

"You hungry?! Well choke on this!" Mabel, who had crawled back through the fence, let loose with another handful of mud, striking the creature's center mass. The muddy blob sloughed onto Dipper's chest and the creature leapt away. It bristled momentarily at the two, before disappearing into the rain. Dipper flopped back into the mud.

"Are you ok?" asked Mabel, kneeling next to him. Dipper allowed his breathing to recover before he sat up and looked at his sister, positively beaming with excitement.

"I'm better than ok…" he said, scooping the insect-caked pile of mud off his chest, "…I've got a plan."

…

Two days later Dipper and Mabel were back at the swamp. They'd worked tirelessly to plan and collect the necessary materials and they were ready to settle some accounts. They stood at the edge of the water and zipped up their jackets just as the evening ruckus of frogs and insects began their performance. Dipper strained to look through the dark. No need for bait this time he thought, a little nervous. I think it'll remember us. He turned to Mabel, who was also scanning for movement.

"There's still time to back out." he said. "There's no way to know if this plan will work."

"Burn the bridges and sink the boats Dip. I'm with you."

From behind the trees they detected a flash of movement. Dipper and Mabel silently nodded to one another and turned back to back. They listened intently, not knowing where the strike would come. Suddenly, the creature landed in front of Dipper who reached back for his sister. The two faced down their insectoid adversary who stepped forward with thirsty hands.

"NOW!" yelled Dipper.

With that the twins threw open their jackets, revealing dual bandoliers strapped with cans of spray-on glue. With a can in each hand they let loose on the would-be attacker, who pulled back in surprise.

"That's right sucka!" yelled Mabel "You wanna get nuts? Well here's some crazy glue" The creature broke apart, parts of it flopping to the ground in sticky, useless heaps. The diminished swarm swung around, and the twins dove to the ground. From beneath a pile of leaves they pulled the tarp they'd prepared, which they used to deflect the enraged swarm. When the horde had passed they threw off the tarp, tossed their spent cans and flipped the caps off new ones. The swarm swung back, and they took aim, concentrating their streams at the center. The swarm contorted to avoid the sticky mist, and the creature stumbled back into shape. Desperately, it reached out for the twins, but the hardening glue constricted its arms and hands.

Sensing weakness, Dipper and Mabel bore down, whipping out new cans and blasting the creature with everything they had. Panicked, the unencumbered remnant of the swarm burst from the creature's back, leaving behind piles of gooey, helpless insects. The rump swarm zipped across the swamp and vanished from sight.

"Yeah! Get out of here you dumb bugs! Go get eaten by a bat or…something." yelled Mabel.

"We did it!" said Dipper, confidence returning to his voice. "I mean the Ozone Layer kind of took one for the team…but still!"

"That was a pretty great plan Bro." said Mabel thoughtfully. Dipper smiled sheepishly and looked at the ground.

"Ew." he said, catching sight of the twitching mounds of glued mosquitoes. "What should we do about…those?" Mabel looked down and grimaced. Gingerly, she rolled one of the piles into the water with the tip of her shoe. She looked at Dipper, who shrugged. "Good enough for me." As the two were kicking the remaining globs into the water Mabel cast her eye where the swarm had vanished.

"Do you think it will come back?" she asked.

"I don't know." answered Dipper. He looked down at the last clump, which had all but hardened into a solid mass. "But if it does, we can handle it." With that, he punted it far out over the water, where it broke the surface with a satisfying splash.

…

One ounce of prep can save one pound of cure.
But lost in the unknown, friends reinsure.

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