Aunn was almost embarrassed to admit that there were tears in her eyes when she walked back through the gates of Orzammar. Almost but not quite. And they were in her eyes and not streaming down her face anyway.
Orzammar.
She was not, even after all this time, a well-travelled person. She had covered what felt like every square inch of Ferelden soil and she knew Orzammar like she knew her own mind. There were so many other places she might have gone, though, and she'd just as soon never see any of them if it meant coming back here to stay. (Strangely, she had never had an opinion about Orlais one way or the other until her year on the surface and now she rather disliked the place though it had never done anything to her.)
This was her second time coming home and, if she had anything to say about it, the last time it would be necessary.
Zevran had accompanied her as far as the gates – hardly necessary but she appreciated the gesture – and he had insisted that she spend entirely too much time gazing up at the sky, both at night when it might make sense and during the day. She would likely never see the sky again and it was a little strange but not nearly as horrifying as all the surfacers made it sound.
Gorim was there as was his heavily expectant wife, Belgret. She tried not to think about it too much. Fortunately, Belgret was rather overcome at the prospect of speaking to a princess probable paragon who had stopped a Blight and it was not an issue. It wasn't her fault anyway and Aunn did not want to be cruel. She just had never been good at being selfless. Nor had that ever been asked of her until Trian had died.
The last time she had come back, she had only grudgingly been let through the gates by hostile strangers who refused her her name and accused her of killing her brother. There had been kindness, here and there, and she fully intended to remember it. But looking back she didn't know how she had been able to stand it. And seeing Bhelen, being taunted by him, driving the blade through his body…
But she needed to get past that if she ever wanted to truly come home again.
Last time the gates were closed and she needed the treaties to force her way in. She had literally walked straight into a succession crisis and, ancestors help her, she still feared she had made the wrong decision. She loved them both (one of them may have been slightly more deserving of it than the other) but they had both failed her and there was no way out. She had to choose. And a part of her had loved it, just the same.
Last time nobody had expected her and she was grateful to at least receive their anger instead of their denial of her.
This time was different.
This time they had a Ferelden escort to take them back and they had sent messengers ahead so everyone would know precisely when they would arrive. This time the king greeted her with a smile and a joyful speech welcoming her back. This time there were cheering crowds and honor guards. This time it felt almost like it had before, back when her life had still made sense. When her biggest problem was her father's ridiculous overprotectiveness (sent to fight darkspawn while still not being allowed to leave the diamond quarter without soldiers, imprisoned and thrown out within a week of needing an escort to her own proving) and Harrowmont's persistent efforts to marry her off.
Aunn hated to admit it but she was terribly sentimental about a very few things and Orzammar was perhaps the biggest one. Orzammar and House Aeducan. And she could only hope that she could undo the damage that she had done (that Bhelen had done, that they had done) when she had taken their throne and given it to a clear place-holding king.
There was a feast. She loved feasts. She had missed this. Surface feasts, of which she had been to a few, were never quite right. The food tasted different. Not necessarily worse but strange which almost made it worse in and of itself.
Belgret was looking around her in wonder and it was good, for Gorim's sake, that she seemed to like what she saw. Gorim fell instantly back into his role as her second.
It was a greeting that was worthy of her and she couldn't remember the last time she smiled this much.
After the feast, Gorim's family was quick to envelop him but he waited until she gave him leave to go with them (as if she could refuse. She would have given quite a bit to have a warm reunion with her own family but, head of the house or not, the ones she hadn't killed were quite furious with her) before he left her side.
She went off for a private moment with King Harrowmont.
King Harrowmont. She had been the one to crown him and she still couldn't believe it. Perhaps that acceptance would come in time. Or perhaps he would die and it would no longer matter. Why not? Everyone else had.
She wasn't really prepared to lose him but it would not be up to her. She knew when she had crowned him that this would kill him. But Bhelen would have killed him before the people of Orzammar even knew that the deadlock had been broken.
The moment they were alone, he looked at her so warmly it almost burned her. "Aunn. Allow me to truly welcome you home."
"You already did that, King Harrowmont," she replied. "It was…I wanted to thank you. It was beautiful."
"And you deserved it," Harrowmont said emphatically. "You would have deserved it merely for what you suffered through Bhelen's machinations, never mind saving us from another Blight. I will be honest, I never thought I would have to live through a Blight. I am not a blind surfacer who believed that four hundred years of peace means the other three old gods were not still out there but it is hard to conceptualize such a thing happening in your lifetime."
"I found it hard to believe, too," she admitted. "We have gotten progressively better at dealing with Blights, going from 192 years to 90 to 15 to 12. But we were so unprepared and I cannot believe we managed to defeat it so quickly and with most of Thedas not even really aware a Blight was occurring. It was a Ferelden conflict that Orzammar graciously assisted with. It took a year. I could have been off travelling for a year."
"You were fortunate," Harrowmont said. "But I think it may be the case, too, that the previous Blights appeared to be ended by humans though I believe the last Blight was ended by an elf. There was never a dwarf leading them and certainly never an Aeducan."
Aunn couldn't help but smile at that. "That may very well have played a part, I cannot say. I am just glad that Orzammar was able to rise up and show the surfacers how to deal with darkspawn."
Harrowmont looked seriously at her. "I may have given you the grand welcome you more than earned but I wanted to give you a more personal welcome, as well. You do not know what it means to me to see Endrin's daughter standing here, proud and unbroken, before me with her enemies returned to the stone."
Aunn met his gaze evenly. "I could never have done this without you."
"You give yourself too little credit, Aunn."
"I do not," she insisted. "I will not diminish my own accomplishments, I would never do that, but you are the reason those accomplishments were possible in the first place. You gave me hope when I had none on the worst day of my life. You gave me what aid you could and gave me a purpose. Without you is it possible I would have reached the Grey Wardens? Certainly. But I would not have been looking. Perhaps without your intervention I would not have simply died. Perhaps I would have sought out the Legion of the Dead. It would be an honorable life and I may yet have drawn breath. But it would not be this. And without me…I cannot say that the Blight would not have been stopped in approximately the same time. I do not know that and I was not the only Warden present. But the way that it did happen was almost too good to be believed, even with Ferelden's civil war, and had things been different perhaps the Blight would still rage on. Even if you did not save Thedas, you saved me. I can never thank you enough."
"I only did what was right," Harrowmont said.
"Then you were the only one who did," Aunn said. "My father…I understand, it was complicated. Trian was dead. But to not even receive a trial? To be ushered out so swiftly? When you're the only one acting with any grace then it loses any association with the word 'only.'"
"You more than paid any debt you think you owed me," Harrowmont said. "I could not have defeated Bhelen without your aid. I knew that but what else could I have done? Your father made me promise and he was dying."
Aunn smiled. "Even that, then, is a service to my family."
"They do not see it that way," he said mildly.
She let out a startled laugh. "No, I imagine that they don't."
"Have you given any thought to the future, Aunn?"
"The future," Aunn repeated slowly. Sometimes it seemed it was all she thought about. The future and the past and just focusing on the present was so difficult sometimes. "A little. I could not afford to think about the future, truly, until the Blight was over and my exile rescinded. I…would hope that people have come to accept that I did not kill Trian but as I killed Bhelen it makes me a kinslayer just the same."
"It is not the same," Harrowmont said firmly. He moved closer and put a comforting hand on her arm. "Trian's death was cowardly and cruel and greedy. He died so someone else could take power, because he was standing in someone's way. Bhelen died because he was a spoilt child who refused to grow up and cared so little for family he would break his father's heart and kill his sister and brother. He cared so little for tradition he would defy the word of a paragon and the will of the Assembly both and try to brazenly massacre his way to power. No one but the most fanatical of Bhelen's supporters will every blame you for that. And we all heard you tell him to stand down. No, Bhelen's death was not your fault."
She swallowed, trying desperately to compose herself.
Harrowmont retreated and began examining a painting on the wall, giving her that time. He was a good man. Good men did not always make good kings and Ancestors knew she had her reservations but that was something, at least. Was she turning into Denek now?
"Bhelen's most fanatical supporters including most of my family, I'm afraid," Aunn said. "I have a lot of work to do there."
Harrowmont nodded. "It is understandable. The throne was with your family for a long time. The ancestors truly favored your family and I cannot help but believe that they still favor you."
"Me?" Aunn asked incredulously. "That is not…I do not feel that way myself."
"I can see that," he agreed. "You lost everything save your life in such a short period of time. And even now, when the truth is known and you are called home, some things cannot be reclaimed. Some eras are past. But Aunn, what you did is nothing short of miraculous. I will concede I do not know how this would have played out without you but with you in charge the Blight lasted but a year and the biggest impact it made on Orzammar was that the Deep Roads were more passable than usual and we were able to make gains there. I hope we will not lose them when the darkspawn inevitable recede."
That was something she needed to talk to him about but not just yet. That was going to be a very long, very difficult conversation and for now she just wanted to bask in the glow that was being home and being loved.
"You have even found your way back to us and as a paragon as well," Harrowmont continued. "That is certainly better than most exiles fair and, without the terrible tragedy forcing you from Orzammar, you never could have done what you did. Your father, stone keep him, never would have allowed you to go with the Wardens and Duncan never would have dared to so anger your father by stealing away his only daughter."
"You may be right," she said at last. "But it does not feel like fortune."
"It often doesn't. This is the best case scenario for what was going to happen when your father died, when he made that request of me. I expected to be laughed out of the Assembly chamber when I made my claim. I expected your brother to have me killed in the night or executed after he took the throne. I certainly never expected you to be restored to us and so gloriously. But sometimes it is hard not to dwell on what is lost. On what is and never should be."
Aunn closed her eyes briefly. "You asked about my future, King Harrowmont. As I said, it will take some time to quell the chaos still raging in my house but we Aeducan are survivors. We will get through this. I will confess that I hope that the upcoming paragon vote winds up in my favor and that I become a paragon. It was the fondest wish I never let myself hope for as a child."
Harrowmont chuckled fondly. "I believe I knew that about you, Aunn. Your father never knew half as much about Paragon Aeducan until you started asking questions."
Paragon Aeducan. And she was another one, wasn't she? Paragon Aunn Aeducan. Every paragon became one for improving the lives of the people of Orzammar but not everyone got to come from a house that saved Orzammar itself during a Blight. Maybe in a way she was living up to her ancestor.
"As you know, becoming a paragon usually involves forming your own house," Harrowmont said. "But I do not believe we have ever been in a position where the head of a house became a paragon. It's rare for nobles to become paragons as it is but for a noble who is not the head of his house leaving still is a good step for them. With House Aeducan's power and prestige as well as the difficulties you are facing and your attachment to your house, I do wonder what you intend to do."
Aunn was quiet for a moment. She had actually given this a lot of thought since Gorim had first given her the news. "This is all highly speculative, of course, with the Assembly yet to vote on the matter."
"Of course," Harrowmont agreed. "But, between us, I do not believe that you have to worry about the vote. You should hear the things people say about you and you won many over through your actions here during the…contested succession."
"With this being such a rare occurrence, I do not believe there is a precedent for what should be done if I stay with my current house," Aunn said slowly.
It took him a moment. "You mean with the Assembly seat you would be granted as a paragon?"
"I certainly do not wish to decline the honor," Aunn said carefully. "I will need to consult with the Shaperate."
"That may be for the best," he agreed. "But aside from any of that. What do you intend to do?"
"I…am uncertain of your meaning," she admitted. "Beyond whether I become a paragon and restructuring my house. I will want to venture into the deep roads, certainly. If my father the king could risk his life fighting darkspawn, I certainly can. I killed the Archdemon mere weeks ago and I have no intention of wasting my fighting prowess just because I have regained my rights."
"Truly an honorable decision," Harrowmont said approvingly.
"I wanted to talk to you about that, actually," Aunn said. "I do not expect you to relish this idea and we will likely need to speak more fully on it in the days to come and present it to the Assembly. I feel very strongly about it, however."
Harrowmont tilted his head. "You have piqued my interest, Aunn."
"Ferelden was extremely grateful for my part in ending the Blight as well as helping them end their own civil war. They named me their hero and offered me whatever boon I wished. I knew that they were going to do that and I had several suggestions presented to me. I could have been their chancellor, I could have asked for aid to the Grey Wardens, I could have gotten a statue, I could have gotten Loghain's former holdings, I could have gotten a lot of wealth…I asked for none of that. There was truly only one thing that I really wanted from them."
Never mind most of that she could probably get here.
"And what was that?" Harrowmont asked curiously.
She took a deep breath. "I asked that my people be aided against the darkspawn. The Ferelden army will be here in a matter of weeks to help us clear the darkspawn from our thaigs and retake our land. The timing has never been better. If we can secure these areas before the darkspawn have all retreated underground we should be able to hold them. We can truly expand our territory and take back what's ours."
Harrowmont looked grave. "Aunn…"
"I understand that you don't like it," Aunn said. "I expected that. And, believe me, I know the dangers of allowing a foreign army into your territory. The Tevinter Imperium and Orlais were that treacherous during the Third Blight and Loghain's apparently somewhat justifiable fear the Orlesians would do the same thing is what led to half the trouble with this Blight. But surfacers do not want to live underground. They simply don't. And Ferelden, which is not a military power, has publicly stated its intention to help us. I do not believe we are at risk from an invasion." She paused. "Now, despite the lack of interest in ruling underground I would be wary of Orlais offering aid, with the lyrium, but it is only Ferelden."
"That is not my primary concern, Aunn," Harrowmont said. "If Orlais, or any other nation, were interested in conquering us they could have tried long before now but surfacers do not like it here and lyrium is too dangerous for them to handle."
What wasn't to like about Orzammar? Other than possible long-term side effects of living so close to the taint impacting their fertility. She really needed to learn more about whether surface dwarves, particularly those who had been on the surface for generations, had the same problem they did in Orzammar. But that was just a theory and one for a later date.
"Then what is your worry?" she asked.
"We just survived a rebellion. Despite knowing full well that Bhelen was dead, it took weeks to successfully suppress it and such displays left us looking weak," Harrowmont confided. "I simply do not believe letting outsiders in, even for the purpose of fighting darkspawn for us, would be good for the stability of this kingdom. It would be nice to take land back, at least for a time, but at what cost?"
"I understand not wanting to risk another uprising or more chaos but that is only a possibility and we know that there will be a lot of good done if the troops that King Alistair and Queen Anora are already sending are permitted to fight."
"I just feel that we are too fragile to risk it right now. Perhaps in a few years, when things have settled down."
"A few years?" Aunn couldn't believe it. "In a few years they will forget. Right now they remember, right now they have pledged their aid. If I asked this of them and then they are turned away at the gate they will not come again. We will lose this chance."
"Perhaps that is the price of peace."
"I do not accept that," Aunn said, the echo of her brother's words as he stood against Harrowmont himself running through her head.
"It is not strictly my decision," Harrowmont said. It could be. "I will need to present it before the Assembly."
"Very well. I will make my appeal to them," she said.
"So that is in our future," Harrowmont mused. "But that is short-term. Whether they come or not, whether there is another uprising or not, it will all pass. And then what?"
"What are you asking?" she asked uncertainly. "Are you still trying to marry me off? Because as the head of my own household, I think the time for such things is passed."
"No," Harrowmont said, smiling at her. "Aunn, I would have welcomed your brother Trian as king. I believe he would have made a fine ruler. But, had life been kinder and you had been chosen instead, I would not have had any cause to complain. I have always thought you had the makings of greatness about you."
There was warmth in her chest and she smiled back at him. "Thank you."
"Bhelen…well, we all know what happened there. We all know what a terrible king he would have made."
That was where she disagreed, not that she could ever say such a thing to him. Bhelen's reign would have been brutal but his bloody reforms might have been what was needed to save them all.
The fact of the matter was, Aunn had been content before any of this. She had questioned what was before her, of course, because when did she not but that hadn't been enough. She hadn't realized many of her people's own flaws before being exposed to the different (and often very vexing) way things had been done on the surface. She had never wanted the surface to change her. She had never wanted this tragedy to change her. It had taken returning to Orzammar the first time to realize how much she had changed, how much holding onto her old self was like trying to catch the air. She still loved Orzammar and she would still do absolutely anything to protect it but she could not be the same girl who had allowed herself an illicit romance with her handsome second and rolling her eyes at merchants literally fainting at her feet.
Somehow she didn't think Harrowmont would approve of her as much as he imagined he did. He always did have a blind spot where she was concerned. But then, if nothing else, she had no more family to murder to climb to the top and would never put herself in a position where people could seriously claim she was going to marry a casteless.
"I do not have any living children of my own," Harrowmont said. "I did once but…Well. That was a long time ago."
Aunn bowed her head and said nothing. She remembered.
"I love my house and the people in it. I believe in them and want only what is best for them. But I understood plenty about being king from my long association with your father and I understand even more now. I would not ask them to take up this burden and I do not quite think they are suited for it. There is a certain hardness that a king must have, a certainty, that is not required of even the deshyrs."
Aunn stilled, her eyes widening. "What are you saying, King Harrowmont?"
"It was never my intention to deprive Endrin's child of his throne," Harrowmont told her. "I never wanted that. But when the time came there was only Bhelen and he was unacceptable. Even your father could see that, through his heartbreak. And now it is too late and I will be king until I die. But I do not have any children and I have always had faith in you, Aunn. There is no one I would sooner see on the throne of Orzammar than you."
"I…"
She needed to say something. Why couldn't she say something?
It should have been Trian. It should have been Bhelen. Ancestors, it should have been her.
And now, maybe, it could be.
It made her feel a little less guilty for sparing this good, honorable man who had only ever wanted to help her but would keep Orzammar stagnant when it was already slowly dying.
"I would be honored, King Harrowmont," she said. "If you were to support me as your successor and if the Assembly approved it, I swear to you that I would do everything in my power to protect and serve Orzammar."
There was a proud smile on his face as he said, "I know. That's why I want you be the one. Some will not approve of an Aeducan on the throne again so soon, I know how much of my support was made of those trying to eventually gain the throne for themselves, but I trust that you will do what is best for Orzammar and not just for your own house. You've proven that already."
Had she? She hadn't even known what she would say when the steward asked which king the decidedly apolitical paragon had chosen. All she could think of was the Deep Roads, the betrayal, the broodmother. She had prayed she wasn't dooming Orzammar.
Maybe she wasn't.
"I will not disappoint you," she vowed. She probably would. She would keep her vow but the Orzammar she wanted and the one that he fought to preserve were very different beasts. At least he would not live to see her idea of saving their home.
"I know," Harrowmont said again. He held open his arms. "Welcome home, Princess Aunn."