Story: Odin is channeling his inner Fury. Or, at least, he tries to. Sequel to "Apotheosis".
Author's note: The world has gone crazy. I'm trying to stay sane. Where did mankind go wrong?!
Disclaimer: Marvel. Well, except for the blueberry.
Revelation
His gaze captures hers the second he is stable on his feet again. He has known the Bifrost has been repaired, he'd have never thought, though, that he would be one of the lab rats that would try it out first. Is it even safe for pregnant women to use that thing? If it's not, some heads will be rolling.
He wants to shout at someone for that, as well as for the ten Einherjer breaking down his bedroom door while they were testing out his new, enhanced, (even more) godlike body, dragging his wife out of bed by her hair and treating him like the simple mortal they believe him to be.
Erik the Viking finds out a second later that this mortal can break his nose and lets go off the woman. Thor joins the party only moments later, informed by J.A.R.V.I.S. – god bless his scotch-induced idea to invent the artificial intelligence all these years ago. Tony's not so sure what to think about the hole in the floor that Thor left by taking the direct way up into the Penthouse.
The next warrior who attempts to grab Loki is met with a gaze that tells him I slay Bilgesnipes for a living, back off! Her big brother has positioned himself in front of her, trusty hammer in his hand and Tony will gladly sacrifice some of his high-end furniture for the sake of seeing the Asgardians reduced to a crying mass of fear by the Thunderer.
Thor never has had an indoor voice, but now he definitely is using his outdoor voice that carries over miles, reaching even the deafest warrior when he demands to know what is going on. Between stuttered attempts to declare that it's none of his business and choked trials of apologizes, they announce that Odin sent them because Loki broke the terms of his sentence.
Tony fists his hand, the urge to break another nose rather urgent now, but then grabs his bedsheet to cover his wife that is still cowering behind the Thundergod, a hand holding the part of her head where Erik pulled. The warriors' eyes follow him, only now realizing that it was a woman in his bed, and start muttering about who should be punished for letting the villain escape.
Thor just growls at that. Before the incident with the Bifrost, and after trying to take over Midgard, Loki has never done anything to harm Asgard, or anyone else, and still, these few moments in his life appear to be the ones by which he is defined. Not that Odin was ever gentle before all of this, but, frankly, he is sick of how the All-father reacts to everything his adoptive son does, and how cruel his educational attempts are.
When the Thundergod starts lecturing the Einherjer what they did wrong here, starting from barging into an ally's house, kicking down an ally's bedroom door, dragging said ally's pregnant wife out of bed, and how knocking and asking for a meeting would have been the polite thing to do, the warriors look at him as if he lost his mind, while carrying the aura of scolded school-boys, and both Loki and Tony are on the verge of either a laughing fit or a nervous breakdown. Jury's still out on that.
Once they figure out that the wench is indeed their Asgardian Prince, there are more attempts on violently subduing her, but now also J.A.R.V.I.S. is protecting his blueberry sibling, shredding the bed and two or three Einherjer in the process. They will live, it's mostly their pride and some appendages that are severely scratched, but at least it makes them back off again.
Had they asked, going to Godville and explaining Why Loki was sitting out their regular stints in saving Earth would have been no problem. And seriously, couldn't Earth just stay saved for a while?
Now, though, Tony is pissed, the caveman wants to smash things and test out if his new, improved fist can do damage on granite chins, and Loki looks so frightened after stepping out of the observatory that he for sure will tear certain people a new one while he has Thor on babysitter duty.
Odin will not know what hit him.
Tony silently swears that the next one who is pointing one of these antediluvian spears into his face will have it shoved up his ass. They really had the nerves to wait with shackles and the goddamn muzzle at the rainbow bridge, and he's more than glad that Thor towers over all of these guard-dogs by at least two inches, and the scowl on his face tells them to not touch either the Man of Iron or Loki.
His booming voice tells them the same thing, and now also the dumbest of Odin's merry ten, or rather the seven that are still more or less intact dare not coming any closer as they mount the carriage that takes them to the palace.
Any other day he would have jumped on the opportunity to mock the actual carriage that is dragged by fucking horses while he can see flying ships over his head. He would have commented on the omnipresent gold and that somebody has just overdone it with fucking decorations.
He is seething too much for that, though. He knew beforehand that meeting the in-laws in their case was going to be a mess, but this just is ridiculous. They barely let them put some clothes, yelling some rather creative insults at Loki while they pushed them onto the assembly platform, and great, now he has these frickin' runes imprinted there like a tramp stamp on his tower.
He never thought he would meet the self-proclaimed King of Everything in some oil-stained jeans that sport holes on his knees and one beneath his right ass-cheek and a Slayer t-shirt. Loki looks like a Queen compared to him in that cute summer dress. He tries to angle her away from a rather fresh spot on his pants, but Loki just clings to him, not caring that most probably it will leave permanent stains.
"Please, Anthony, promise me you won't do anything stupid."
Another spear is pointed at them, obviously they're also not allowed to speak, but this time Tony catches it and pushes, hitting the guy at the other end in his ribs, and yes, asshole, he is observant enough to spot that weakness in his stupid leather armor.
The guard is more than surprised when one of his rips actually cracks. Yeah. Mortal my ass, dude.
Thor's ever-present scowl keeps the guard-dogs from attacking. He's made it more than clear that he is on Loki's side this time.
Odin has the frickin' nerve to let them wait right in front of him while he is conversing with some blonde, sitting high on top of his throne, there's even more guard-dogs, and one of them has the nerve to poke Loki with the blunt end of the spear, making sure she's staying with Tony and Thor.
As if she would go anywhere. She briefly glances at her husband, telling him she's fine.
Tony's still snaps.
"Hey, Eyepatch!"
The apple obviously has also enhanced his vocal cords, or this booming voice is something that comes with godhood. Or the acoustics in that throne hall is just that good.
He can tell that Odin does not want to react, still, his head whips around, looking at the mortal, the golden son and the black sheep of the family, not really understanding why they are making such a fuss over him punishing Loki for not keeping their contract. He's fooled the mortal, he's not doing what he was told to do, hence, punishment. Why Frigga even tries talking him out of using the binding him to a rock and having venom dripped in his eyes approach as an educational method again is beyond him. It worked just fine the last time. No mischief for two centuries.
"Yeah, asshat, I'm talking you. Care to tell us why we're here? Clock's ticking, I'm a busy man. Places to be, planets to save, a wife to love, baby clothing to be bought. We'll take the short version, after all you did not even bother to phone before inviting us over. Seriously, I knew beforehand that you're mental, but somehow I imagined my meeting the in-laws differently."
Loki covers her face with her hands and sighs while he keeps rambling. She can see that Thor wants to do the same, but is keeping his posture in order to scare off the other warriors in the room. They all know Tony's loose gab. He's always said that one day it will be the death of him. She's a bit miffed that it will happen not even a day after she granted him with that golden apple and extended his lifespan. What a waste.
Odin is rendered speechless, at least for some seconds. Foolish mortal, how dare he… When he realizes that he only though that, he rises from his throne, Gungnir in his hand, booming at the man who is shorter than any God on Asgard.
"How dare you, foolish mortal…?"
Tony interrupts him, if Odin wants to play Who has the bigger ego he is in for a pretty long fight.
"Yeah, yeah, foolish mortal, how dare you to even breathe, throw in some ant-boot-analogisms here, wave your spear-thingy at me a bit. Cut that crap. You also got your panties in a twist because we had Loki sit out the last fuck-up that was supposed to be an attack by Doom?"
Odin blinks twice as Frigga steps up to his side.
"He is not fulfilling…"
Tony does not even let him finish.
"It ever occurred to you that we have a good reason for her to not go into battle?"
By now, the All-father sports the same expression that Fury was wearing when they marched into his office. He's lifting his chin a bit as he is answering, trying to keep at least the picture of being in charge here.
"Loki is also capable of fighting…"
He gets cut off for the third time, then, and Frigga is placing a hand on his arm holding Gungnir before he can lift it and just wipe out this obnoxious lowly being in front of him.
"I don't know about Asgard, but on Earth we don't send pregnant women into battle."
If Tony is ever assigned a title as God of Anything, it definitely will not be Subtlety or Diplomacy.
Frigga gasps, Loki lets her head sink against Tony's shoulder and mumbles something he does not quite understand, the guards are sporting stupid expressions and Thor is trying to hide a smirk.
Odin gapes like a fish. Before he can reply anything, Tony opens his mouth again.
"So, inter-realm crisis averted? Seriously, one would think you've got better things to do than spy on our newly-wed bliss. And before you accuse Loki of framing me, there's ten fingers, ten toes, a heartbeat and the cutest snub nose I've ever seen. I've got it on pictures, on movies, and I can't wait until our blueberry is big enough for me to feel his or her kicks. Thor, how do we get back to that rainbow bridge thingy? I've actually got enough of my in-laws, I would not mind never seeing them again."
He has a few more things to say, but Loki is quietly murmuring into his shoulder, begging him to shut up. He just throws another glance at Frigga, and he's pretty sure by the glare she is directing at her husband that Odin is in for some shouting and will face quite a few migraines every time he tries to get laid in the next few weeks or months.
Ugh. This is actually something that he does not want to think about. So he just turns around, kisses Loki a bit more fiercely than he actually intended, hearing the guards gasp again, feeling Odin's and Frigga's eyes on his back.
"Come on, Love, let's go home. Thor, you coming? I could actually need some backup, Loki has the weirdest suggestions for names that I've ever heard."
"Hjalmar and Gunnlöd are not weird suggestions, Anthony", Loki pipes up, grabbing her husband's hand.
"Aye, those are strong names. Thorald may be a good name, too." If Thor is astonished that no-one around them is trying to stop them, he's not showing it.
"Yeah, you can torture your own kid with that. What's so bad about Thomas? Or Emily? Those too normal for you?" It is actually hard work to not break Loki's hand in his, because Tony is waiting for Odin to snap. Loki is squeezing back just as hard, her back ramrod straight, and Tony realizes only now that she's barefoot.
He releases a big sigh as the doors to the throne-hall close behind them and they are still in one piece.
"Should we run? Did I just doom Earth to an eternity of bad weather or crop failures?"
Thor suddenly bursts with booming laughter, and Toni shares a look with an equally astonished Loki.
"I think I broke your brother, Lo."
"It appears so. But you also rendered Odin speechless. Are these newly acquired abilities, or did you just hide them up to now?" She tries to hide a smile, still anxious that all of a sudden those doors will open and someone will come for her.
Toni just smirks, ignoring all the guards as they wander down the hallway. He once made Anna Wintour cry. Pepper Potts is the most patient person he knows and she still loses her endurance with him every once in a while. Thor is still chuckling next to them, and it takes all the way to the Bifrost and their travel back to Earth until he reveals that it was Tony asking Odin if he got his panties in a twist that has him crying with laughter.
Thor stays with them while Tony and J.A.R.V.I.S. arrange for the hole in the floor to be repaired and order a replacement for the bed that the AI shredded.
The Thunderer is still with them when they should actually go to bed, there's enough guestrooms, after all. Still, they stay on the couch, Loki cuddled up against Tony, and while she actually falls asleep because growing another person is exhausting, both men stay awake.
The sun is already rising when Tony sighs deeply, eyes red and small with the night he just spent not sleeping, not feeling safe in his own house, and he's never been happier having Thor close and on their side.
"Hey, buddy", he quietly says, careful not to wake his wife, and Thor actually startles and blinks a few times before turning his head towards the engineer.
"You ever been to California?" he asks, and he knows it's running away, but he wants to be able to sleep, and he wants Loki to be able to sleep without Tony or her brother constantly on the watch.
"I would love to join you", Thor answers with a sad smile.
Tony buries his nose in Loki's hair, closing his arms tighter around her. He's hot underneath the blanket they draped over her, and he's still wearing the oily jeans and the Slayer shirt, and all he wants to do is to hightail out of his frickin' tower and hide away in his Malibu Mansion.
It's running away, but what do you do when an unpredictable, cruel God is breathing down your neck?