Notes: I know… I know… Shinwa is late, and people are getting antsy about it. Truthfully, I've hit a big block with it because of recent personal events. Honestly, this fic reflects a lot of that. Sometimes life hurts, sometimes life is okay, and sometimes life just is… The next chapter of Shinwa will be completed soon, I hope…
Warnings: bitterness. Lots and lots of bitterness… and I like my anime boys to be all homosexual about life- and yes, that does mean yaoi.
Disclaim: If I owned the show, Ken & Daisuke would have gotten married and adopted little orphan children, so what does that tell you? And the song comes from Craig Armstrong's album As If to Nothing with vocals by Stephen Lindsay and was written by a whole group of people- one of which is Craig Armstrong… but the song is beautiful… and heartbreaking…
Let it Be Love…
The light is fading in the park,
It's alright,
I'll walk with you until it's dark,
Forever
Yes, he would have stayed with him forever. Would have held him until the world went by and there was nothing left but smoke and ashes. They could have been happy. If only he would have allowed it.
If only… Could have… would have… Should have…
Daisuke sighed, remembering lo those many nights gone by. Wind whispering through the trees, leaves rustling with the change of seasons, and oncoming thunderstorms blooming on the horizon. Nights in the park, holding him close, wishing that everything would be okay. Hoping that Ken would be okay. Having gone through more than a decade of life beyond the Digital world and wondering if there could be anything more to his own existence. Oh yes, he wondered about the philosophical things. As if he had anything better to think about once the gate had closed…
His apartment was dark when he heard the small voice speak up. "Dai? Are you going to go outside today?" Chibimon- ever patient with Daisuke's collapsing social skills. Ever watchful and always believing that one day Dai would snap out of his dark depression.
"No, Chibi," he whispered. "I'm not going outside today. There's too much sunlight. Too much happiness out there for me."
There was silence in the blackness of his living space before the digimon spoke up again. "It's raining outside today, Daisuke."
He thought about that for a moment. "All right," he conceded. "Just let me get my coat." There was a scuffling of footsteps and the rustle of cloth before the door opened to the outside world. Daisuke felt his shoulders stiffen as the soft sound of rain greeted him. So appro po of everything he felt…
If you could only make a sign,
If you could only say you're mine,
If there was one word you could say,
Let it be love.
For a time he had been loved. He had heard the words that fell from Ken's lips…
Walking the rainy streets of Tokyo, he thought back to those days. When they had been inseparable. Days when he was so sure they would always love one another. Not that he hadn't tried to move on. Several attempts though, and still thoughts of Ken plagued him. They ran rampant through his heart, through his mind. Daisuke knew that even if he no longer loved Ken, he would never be able to let go until he fell in love once more.
And it hurt. Knowing that he was so trapped in his own emotions while his former love could waltz through the steps of life without a thought about his welfare. Dai often wondered if Ken believed everything had turned out for the best. Or if he too was haunted by visions.
The visions of memory staining his mind, painting the backs of his eyelids an aching scarlet with all the pain they could recall. Remembrance of a time when Ken had said he belonged to and with Daisuke. Forever. Memories of promises made in the depths of night- more whispers on the wind of commitment. A bond once shared that could never be broken. Should never have been broken.
Now, all Daisuke felt was the bitter pang of loneliness. It opened its mouth and swallowed him whole. Making him wish that he could find another love, someone to fill his heart, to fill the void. But once he'd had perfection, it was hard to find a replacement. Even though he tried to avoid feeling as such, Dai always found himself thinking of Ken that way.
Perfect.
Little signs that they were in love forever trapped in both their minds. Just waiting for the day when everything would break.
I hear you fighting in the snow,
God only knows,
The children running through the streets,
Nowhere to hide
Could have… Would have… Should have…
All those fights, all those broken promises and lying words. Every little thing Ken had said had turned out to be false. A mere artificial nicety on the path of life. It made Daisuke wonder about a lot of things. Like whether the former Kaiser was pleased with his new life… with his new wife…
Their children so like the Chosen that had spawned them. One girl, two boys- each bound to become Destined in their own right. Because Ken and his wife would not have it any other way. The children would be perfect. Because they had the right blood, the right genetics, the right father, the right life…
Stopping on the street, Daisuke felt the emotion swelling in his eyes and fought it back. Hidden in the folds of his coat, Chibimon tried his best to nuzzle affection into his partner. They had both been through rough times in the past few years. Over a decade past since the last calling for heroism and the last rites of Jogress bonding. In that resulting time span, the bond had faded to nothing more than a memory. The aching pain of a cut cord from the moment Ken had first spoken Miyako's name with the light of lust in his eyes.
"We should go back," was all the former leader said. He knew Chibimon would agree anyway.
If you could only make a sign,
If you could only change your mind,
If there was one word you could say
…Nevermind the memories of steamy love affairs, nevermind the tokens of affection or the broken promises. Daisuke only minded the moments when his head cleared of everything and he tried, he genuinely tried, to move on. It never worked. There was always some remaining piece of Ken lingering in his thoughts that held him back and kept him forever bound to the past. To a memory of what should have been forever.
The nights he and Ken had slept holding one another so close it seemed their skin would mesh together. Days when the sunlight shone of the blue-black of Ken's hair as it trailed behind him as he ran. Moments when they lay in the hush of afterglow. Frozen recollections of each crying the other's name in a moment of complete ecstasy and bliss. The way Ken had held on so tight in that one moment when all reason abandoned him and he gave himself over to the impulse of humanity. When Daisuke would kiss him and touch him, trailing lips and fingers over his pale skin and making him shake with desire.
But that was all it was, right? Dai shook his head, trying to clear it. Only desire, nothing more. Never really love. After all, Ken had said as much when he left, hadn't he? They were friends that slept together. Friends with "benefits". The best of friends that knew each other so intimately both inside and out- physical and emotional bonds.
"Do you think he's happy?" The tiny voice came from inside his coat as he walked into his apartment again.
"I sure hope so, Chibi," Daisuke said quietly. "I sure hope so…"
Let it be love.
*************
A lot of this is left up to your interpretation. I know it's not Shinwa, but as I said, it's what needed to be written. Hopefully now I can get more of the next chapter for Shinwa done and posted soon. It's hard to work on one story when your mind is a million miles away, no? Review if you want to, but it isn't necessary…