Authors note: This was a large experiment with dialogue, and since it isn't the style I've grown accustomed to, I hope that it didn't turn out as bad as I fear it does. It was extremely fun to write, despite being really depressing personally.
"Mornin' Nara."
"Mmmph." It was hard to speak coherently this early in the morning and a mouth full of toothpaste just doesn't make things any easier. Not to mention that it was also making it hard to tell the boy to stop nibbling on his ears this early in the morning, or anytime for that matter, because it feels motherfucking gross. Spitting the toothpaste out and wiping the slight residue with the back of his hand, Shikamaru turned around and shoved Kiba out of his way because he was in between him and the door. Around the bed there was a pile of Inuzuka's clothes from days ago that he swore had become almost sentient from not being washed. Ironically, it didn't smell that way at all and this annoyed him for reasons that he couldn't quite explain.
Behind him, nothing but questions and complaints and the occasional expletive start flying all around the room, echoing inside Shikamaru's head like that painful ringing he gets everytime Kiba'd 'accidentally' get overexcited when they'd give demo classes at the academy during Taijutsu training. Honestly, he was having a hard time separating the two feelings now.
Every waking moment with Kiba just pains him now.
"For someone who makes such a big deal about taking it easy, you're a spoiled fuckin' princess."
Shikamaru didn't give the rapidfire monologue an answer anymore. No witty one liners that flew way over Kiba's head, or thinly veiled counter insults just for the sake of putting up a fight. He didn't even sigh in defeat or frustration, didn't roll his eyes or hijack his train of thought onto something less stressful.
"Clean up before you leave. At least Akamaru knows where to take a shit."
It was at that very moment that, despite all thoughts telling him not to, Kiba's fist met with Shikamaru's jaw with the intent of hurting as much as it could. They were now at that point where they wanted nothing more than to get rid of it all. Boyfriends and their baggage included.
That was their very first fight. They have not spoken in weeks.
"He tastes like soap."
They were filing folders in the office when Nara decided to break the monotony of shuffling papers and the occasional practically planned bored sigh. Neji, who at that exact moment was reading and signing some documents on the construction of a new effigy to the long standing friendship between Suna and Konoha, (something he really didn't enjoy doing at that, you'd be surprised at how much red tape he had to file through) tried his best not to look up but was failing miserably at trying to keep his attention on work...
Shikamaru had that kind of effect on people, that ability to distract you from what you thought was the most important thing at the moment. He could get you to stop peace treaties with entire countries just to watch some clouds because he thought that they were interesting. The question of 'How he did this' was never quite answered though.
"What in the world are you talking about?" The Hyuuga boy tried to sound annoyed, but he realized that Shikamaru of all people would be able to pick up on the obvious signs of him pretending to do something. They were ex-boyfriends after all.
And that's what ex-boyfriends tend to do; pick you apart bone by bone.
"Kiba. I said he tastes like soap." Shikamaru had his legs propped up on his table now with his chair tipped dangerously backwards. Neji had told him before to stop doing that because it made him look unprofessional but he's since grown to admit that asking Shikamaru to do something that he doesn't want to is about as effective as demanding that the sun rise somewhere else for once.
"I really don't need anymore details on how your boyfriend is flavored, thank you." Alternately, Neji thought that it'd cost both countries far too much money to build the thing. Whatever was going through Godaime's head never did make any sense to him. If it weren't for him, the entire village'd be bankrupt by now.
"You'd think that someone who rides on the back of a giant canine and handles genin combat training would taste like something completely different."
"Like sweat?"
"Or dog."
"It just means he cleans up well. We should all be thankful."
"Hnn." The chair creaks as Shikamaru slumps backwards, propping his feet up on his desk in that exact same way that annoyed Neji to no end back when they were together. To be honest, it still does.
"...that's not what you wanted to hear, is it?" The pony tailed boy turns his head away, staring out the window listlessly, looking for nothing in particular other than the simple pleasure of thinking of nothing.
Neji thought he heard him say 'Not really' but knew that he only imagined it. Instead, Shikamaru decided that he's done enough for the day. It was just a few minutes past 10 in the morning when he left the office to all the other unfortunate shinobi.
I don't understand why me and Kiba even bother anymore.
He's an infuriating person; anyone whose ever had the chance to spend 5 minutes with him would know that. He refuses to do anything you want him to, is about as stubborn as a mountain and never, ever wants to switch places in bed. In that respect, that's why we suddenly became so close to each other a year back. We were exactly the same in all aspects that it'd be hard not to see us at least thinking about getting together. Lee pestered me night and day saying that we would've been a perfect couple if I stopped being 'a total prude' and if Shikamaru would 'Get off his lazy ass and act more like a boyfriend' and I did nothing but laugh inwardly at how inane that sounded back then.
We broke up a few months after and I found that I didn't really mind. A small part of Shikamaru had rubbed off on me; that part that contained a gray cloud of inhuman apathy. At least that's what everyone else called it. We both knew it to be that belief that everything would work out in the end as long as you let it run its natural course. It was a good feeling to have and I'm glad that Shika thought me that lesson. But this wasn't without it's flaw; after all, a relationship is nothing more than an exchange between two people.
It's hard to break up without given them a part of you forever.
"Took you long enough to find me." I couldn't help but shrug. It wasn't like he was that hard to find to begin with.
"Some of us prefer to keep our jobs instead of just up and leaving the others with unfinished paperwork." There were no clouds in the sky today, none for him to watch and just stare at as time passes all of us by. It was a little disturbing.
"Would it be safe to say that you took care of mine?"
"Not a chance."
"Didn't think so."
He was smiling now, thankfully. Well, he doesn't smile all that often to begin with since he probably thinks that it takes too much effort to create facial expressions, but you can't help but appreciate those very few moments when he does. Even more when you know what's been going through his head the way you wish you never really did.
"...I bought takoyaki. I know you really don't like them but I thought you might be hungry."
"Thanks." He told me before that he doesn't like the taste of squid but he ate it anyway like what he said didn't matter. It was just one of those things that I try not to think about anymore but can't.
"...I really think you should give him another chance. He's good for you."
"He's about as good for me as Sasuke was for Naruto. I don't plan to be the next poster child for emotional train wrecks."
"You said something similar when we broke up too."
"I did? Huh. Must be the end result of hanging around dog boy."
"He's not as dumb as you think he is... Everyone isn't. You have to forgive us for not being like you."
We stay quiet for the longest period, the sound of wind and our own thinking being louder than fireworks in summer, the clouds turning into thoughts that begin exploding into a million flares of light and sound; thoughts of things that we should have done and things we regret never doing... of what if's, what could've been and what we wish had never happened.
This is what I miss and loathe all at the same time when it comes to my once and never loved. The noise of the oppressive ideas lingering at the back of your head about what he honestly feels about you; fearing that behind all the moments together and the muffled moans of your name in the dead of night that all of it isn't even real.
That's the problem when you learn to love a man like Shikamaru. You learn to be afraid of what goes through the system that is him every single second you're awake.
"We really need to get going. You've already vanished from society enough for the day." He doesn't speak again, just stands with his hands in his pocket and a cigarette dangling from his lips absently, eyes fixated on the vast emptiness in the distant sky.
Just like he did on the day he became someone else entirely.
I miss him, Akamaru.
Maybe I'm just not used to going back to the folks; haven't done that in forever since we got together. Ma says I look thinner but that's cause neither of us can cook (Well, HE can, he just doesn't wanna) and that can cause a boy to go starve quite a bit. No man can live on ramen alone, which can only mean that Naruto is a woman in a badly done disguise.
Okay, scratch that. That was a really stupid idea and I don't know why I thought of it.
...Okay, scratch that too... Who am I kidding?
I can't live my life on distractions alone. Things're different for us humans and that just sucks.
It's hard not to sigh when you think of just how much you want him beside you right now. To have that disinterested stare when you ask him to try topping instead of being a boring bottom, that exasperated sigh when you can't even come anywhere near him at Shogi or when he says something funny and you laugh but not because it's funny but because Shikamaru's trying to make a joke and it's just awesome seeing him do that. Nowadays, you'd be lucky to even get a smile out o' him.
He hasn't quite been the same since Asuma died.
I don't blame him and neither should you. No one's really been the same after that.
They've all become completely different people, all of 'em tryin' their best to just cope with being forced to move on with their lives now that their team's more or less dissolved. Chouji's been pushin' himself like crazy training all the time, tryin' to make up for what he thinks was his fault when it really wasn't anyone's fault but accidents and circumstance. Ino hasn't spoken to anyone about the incident and no one really wants to talk to her about it either; almost like she wants to believe it never happened.
And Nara? Nara's been acting like a derelict drughead. You try to tell him to stop it, since it's just not like him to let anything affect him this much but the stupid fuck won't listen to you or me anyone in the motherfucking world who wants to help him.
I only wish I fucking knew why.
Nah, you don't have to worry about me, I'll be fine. Just a lil' pissed off at myself, that's all.
It's cool that you can tell when there ain't even one shred of happy in me but I find it crazy that it's easier to talk to you than it is to another person that I try to love as much as a human being can. No offense, you know you'll always be my best bud, right?
I miss the Shikamaru I used to know in ways that you couldn't possibly imagine, Akamaru.
No...
Of course you do.
They've all grown uncertain about the world and where they stand as tiny pieces of a cosmic machine that they can't control. Death causes people to think, to check where they're heading and if they can find a way to stop it before it reaches a condition so critical that there's no turning back.
But for Nara Shikamaru, there is no more movement in store for the rest of the world and all that will make up for this is the bottle and the smoke.
Hyuuga Neji, while concerned for the mental and physical state of his once and former love, knows that they're at a point where there is no salvation for either one. All his attempts have proven to be ineffective in the face of a man lost in the throes of his manic depression. For now, all he can do is look after him as he downs another bottle of sake in a bar he never thought he'd see the both of them in.
Lights are dim now; the sun gone from the sky and the sound of a sake bottle hitting wood moving at too fast a tempo for comfort. Slowly, a heat builds up inside both of them from the alcohol but their fingers show none of the sort, Nara's still cold and pale while gripping the ceramic bottles tightly as they try hard to keep the guilt and hurt from spilling over.
Neji gently tries to ease his hands off the bottle. Shikamaru inwardly winces at turning out the way he did.
The bottle breaks into pieces, the alcohol sears the cuts on his palm like liquid fire. Absently, he looks at his hands and for a quick second, Nara feels like the day he lost the most important person in his life.
Bloody and weak.
Neji tells him that he should go back home, get some sleep and maybe, although unlikely, he'll be better in the morning. He isn't sure of how or why but for once, the disparaged boy listens and stands up, pays the bill and walks out of the bar with his unmarred hand resting above his friend's shoulder, leaning for the balance he sorely needs.
The world begins to spin the way he knew it would but it's nothing new to him now. 'It feels nice to just have someone to touch before you fall.'
And fall he does, body limp in Neji's arms like a rag doll thrown to the floor.
Like a parallel of moments earlier, he looks down at what his hands carry and for a quick second, Hyuuga feels how he must have felt on the day he lost a teacher, a friend and the only person who he perhaps really cared for.
In that exact second, he knew exactly how strong one has to be not to turn out like Shikamaru did. He doubts that he has the strength to be that man if he were to take his place.
There are dreams that you don't remember and there are dreams that people try to forget the morning after. On some nights, when locked in the self induced drunken haze, he dreams of years gone by when things were simpler and when things went the way he planned them. Ino'd be fighting with Sakura over some unimportant girly thing and it'd be so loud that he just has to wake up and find another place to sleep. Even though he knows that they'd always cause that god-forbidden screeching noise, he really doesn't mind it. It's comfortable that it's routine, comforting because he knows how the days will play out. On some other nights, he dreams of Neji and how they'd be lying in bed naked and converse about philosophy and strategy after sex, the post-coital conversation being interesting enough that for some strange reason, he feels compelled to actually initiate a second round. He never did, realizing in the end that it's just too tiring. When he dreams of Kiba, he thinks that they're nightmares in how random they always are. How nothing he ever thinks matches what's actually going to happen and how Kiba drives him absolutely crazy but he also sees that this is the same reason why he really did love him to begin with. A long time ago, he enjoyed the change and the challenge of predicting the unpredictable.
He never wants to predict anything again for the rest of his life.
Today, Kiba is nowhere to be seen and for the most part, it isn't something that shocks him. They haven't even spoken, or even seen each other, in almost a month. Not like he was trying to find him but when you think about how small Konohagakure actually is, that seems real unlikely.
The house is actually dirtier than when Kiba was here and it's obviously s his fault; the bottles and the burn marks are proof of that. The sight is depressing and once more he decides not to go to work. If Godaime was going to fire him, he didn't really care anymore.
But the problem of what to do instead of doing repetitive paperwork has not yet been addressed. And for reasons yet unknown to him, the small room seems so much larger when it's devoid of Kiba's voice and vibrance... of the person who tried to teach him to live for today.
The answer is clear. It's time to make amends.
"You never visit his grave. I think he's disappointed." It's hard not to notice a gigantic dog; even if that gigantic dog was something you used to see every time you wake up sleeping at the foot of your futon. Inuzuka's lit incense at the foot of the grave and the stick's are burnt almost down to their stubs. He must've been here a long time... Longer than I ever have.
"Yeah. He's probably hella disappointed in me." His fingers reach into his pocket to pull out his pack of smokes only to feel nothing but the empty carton housing nothing but small specks of tobacco. How ironic of the location to not allow him a cigarette. "I'm guessin' you feel the same."
"A bit. But it's cool." Nara takes a tentative step forward, glancing around the area for no real reason other than to try not to look at Kiba directly. He swallows down a slight pang of guilt before Kiba turns around and gives him that trademark ear to ear smile of his and once more, after an entire month, he is caught off guard and remembers why he fell in love with the boy in the first place.
"For all it's worth, I'm sorry for being a jerk."
"Don't worry. Seriously, it's okay. I'm just glad you're out of your funk. You are out of your funk, right?"
"More or less."
The two stand side by side now and even though it's only been a month since they fought, it's almost as if they've become two completely different people now. If that's a good thing or not, they'll never be able to tell. But who you turn out to be is of no importance. The only thing that matters is who you are at this very moment.
Right now, they are two boys trying to hold onto each other while the wounds heal. It's not much, but it's a start.
"You really should shave. You're beginning to look more and more like him."
"I guess you're right. But it's just too troublesome." Kiba laughs out loud and Shikamaru can't help but laugh as well and in the chain reaction of their joy exploding out of nowhere, they remember how they were back in days of forgotten past.
For once, in a long while, they are happy. Scared and smaller in the face of the universe... but they are happy.
"It's good to see you again, Shika. The real you."
"Let's go back home."