Lead Me Out of the Dark

I'm lost, please help me find my place,

You're the only one, please lead me out of the dark – Crown the Empire

He was back in the dream again, the one he found himself trapped in every night when he closed his eyes and all he could see was disappearing tail lights and his beating heart driving away. He had never in his life managed to hold onto anything so he didn't know why now would be any different.

He lost his Momma when he was just a boy, way too young to be without a mother in this world even before it had gone to hell. He lost his dignity and self-worth with his old man's beatings, the belt he took from his pants nightly beating out what his words didn't, each tongue-lashing adding another scar to his heart.

Leaving home, trying to find his place in the world he had lost his direction and done things that he wasn't proud of. He had lost his way in life and it was odd to him that at the end of the world, when everyone else was flailing about trying to find a sure foothold, he had found somewhere he belonged. Somewhere good.

He found family and with that was able to gain back a little bit of respect from others, even if he never would respect himself. He had found friends where in his old life, he had none. It was hard to have friends when you were ashamed of where you came from and couldn't invite them over. Besides the fact that he was afraid his old man would whoop up on any fledgling friendship that may come of it.

He found a home within the circle of people he and Merle had taken up with. He had never thought he would find that in a million years, people who cared about him and people he loved, even if he didn't want to say it out loud. He found a purpose, something to force him to put one foot in front of the other. He turned words like worthless, nobody and nothing to things like hunter, protector and friend.

Then as it was the way of things with Daryl Dixon, he began to lose things again. He lost Sophia after days and nights of looking for. He had never wanted to find someone so much in his entire life. Maybe in finding her, he could right some wrongs. Maybe in finding her he could find the retribution he so desperately needed. But instead in the end, she had come out of the barn, as dead as any of the others streaming out before her. But it had meant something to all of them to find her. And they lost her anyway, leaving in her wake an emptiness and brokenness that even his tattered heart felt though he dealt with it in different ways than the others.

Then they had found a home, after all those long months on the road. Had found a refuge, a safe place to just "be". Life had started to settle into a pattern and he began to think that maybe he could have this. Maybe they could all be happy. Maybe they all got a second chance at life. But he was wrong again. Because they lost that too and with it, one of the wisest men he had ever known and the person that was the closest thing to a father figure he was ever likely to get.

When the prison fell, he had lost his sense of purpose and lost their way time and again trying to track the family they had lost with their home. He was now stuck with a girl he didn't understand, couldn't begin to. Until he did. He started to see that she was hurting too. That it wasn't just him. And she called him out on all of it.

In the middle of the end of the world, in a backwoods Georgia rundown shack, similar to the one he'd been raised in, they had burned down a past together and he had lost some of the demons that had long ago attached themselves to his back and he had felt lighter than he had in a long time.

In the weeks that followed, he began to find something else, something he couldn't put a name to. And he lost something else, he lost himself. In her. In her he found a way to go on, a way to heal the brokenness in his soul. She did that for him. He felt he had finally found retribution for a life long list of wrongs because she didn't care about his past. She didn't care where he came from. She cared about the here, the now and the future. The future that she was so damned sure of always with her blind faith. He found that he believed in the goodness in the world again for she was the best he had ever seen. She was the embodiment of any amount of good left in this world.

And he'd like to think that he helped her find some things too. He helped her find her smile again, a kind word, a touch, teaching her to track and hunt. Wrapping her ankle when she hurt it. Carrying her on his back; bearing someone else's burdens instead of his own allowed him to see what he had been missing all along. It was her.

Finally over time he had come to see that with little Beth Greene, he had found love, and he was happy. For the first time in his life, he was truly happy. And he wanted her to know it. Wanted the world to know it, whatever parts of it were left.

And that love, that precious thing he held close to his heart, he was not prepared to lose it. He was not prepared to lose her and his heart with along with it. When he watched those taillights get smaller and smaller in the night, he felt himself shrinking too, but still he ran.

But he figured now without her, his heart was gone. And unless she was with him, he didn't want it back. Without her, it was useless to him, just a bleeding, beating piece of unwanted flesh.

Sitting there at that crossroads, even if it was in his dream, he knew he had lost it all. Had lost everything in the world that had mattered and he didn't even know where to look for it. To look for her. He loved her, god did ever love her. Wished he could have told her before it was too late. As the sun rose in the sky and he pondered his purpose now, he realized he had lost the love of his life. And he was pretty sure if he continued to sit here, he was going to lose his mind as well. And he really wasn't sure he even cared. With all that he had lost, what else was there, but to slip right into the abyss and never look back. Dead walked the earth, seeking to devour the flesh that they craved and as far as he was concerned, they could just go ahead and devour him too. Because really, without her, what was the point?

Sorry, this is probably about the darkest thing I have ever written for this fandom. But it begged to be written. So there you have it. Hurry up October!