For some reason my original posting of this story isn't showing up on my home page as a story I've written so I am reposting it. I posted this originally back in season 3 between 3.11 and 3.12. By this time we had seen pictures of 3.12 and the finale and saw the injury to Andy's cheek after she was hit. I had thought she was originally injured in 3.12 instead of the finale. I also remember knowing from spoilers Sam told her he loved her in the finale and I had a difficult time understanding how Sam went from taking his key back in 3.11 to telling Andy he loved her in 3.13. Here was my interpretation of why Sam chose the finale to tell Andy he loved her. This is a one shot. Hope you like it.
I hear a knock at my door and can't help but wonder who is here at eleven o'clock at night. I was just about to turn off the already dim lights in my apartment and climb into my soft bed that's been calling my name since I walked through my door an hour ago. My nerves are shot with the exhaustion of today. First the situation with the perp with the gun inside the precinct, and then the aftermath of the Internal Affairs investigation. Can we not catch a break? 15 Division has been through so much, it's time for a change of events.
Walking to the door I take caution; never will I be able to forget what occurred in my apartment less than two months ago. Because of this I'll always look through the minuscule glass hole in my door for the rest of my life. The solid wood just might be the difference between my life and a crazy psycho, kidnapper murderer.
Looking at who's standing on the other side of my door, I wonder if I really just wished for a change of events? I guess what they say is true, be careful what you wish for, because on the other side of my door is Sam Swarek, the only man to have ever truly broken my heart. I can't possibly imagine what he wants to talk about, I already gave him back his keys two weeks ago and we've barely spoken since. His chocolate brown eyes and tousled hair has haunted my dreams on an almost nightly basis, but while I can wake up from those empty realities, it's the heart break that keeps on going.
I'm half tempted to just walk away from the door, but I know whatever he wants, it's better to deal with it now then wake up to the misery of the unknown in the morning. I reach for the door knob, feeling the cold metal against my warm skin. A cold comfort for it reminds me that I'm finally starting to feel again.
Opening the door I'm in full view of the man that turns me weak in the knees, and there is still a part of me that wants to just crumble before him and beg for him to come back to his senses. I won't though, because I'm worth more than that.
"Sam," I say curtly. I try to read his expression but his poker face is in full form right now until I see his eyes flicker to my left cheek and his expression softens. He goes to take a step towards me with his right hand extended, as if his automatic response is to touch my wound. Realizing what he's about to do, he instantly falls back into formation.
"I heard what happened today. I, uh, wanted to see if you were okay," Sam finally manages to explain. For a couple of seconds his eyes flicker to the ground, as if it physically pains him to look at me.
"I'm fine, just getting ready for bed." I take no comfort in his concern; he's made it clear where I stand with him.
Raising his head we're once again looking at each other. "What happened?" He asks clearly stating what's unspoken. He wants to know how I got hurt today.
"Just another painful souvenir for me to carry around; only this time it's visible."
"Andy," Sam says looking ashamed.
"What Sam? Why are you here?"
"I told you, I wanted to see if you were alright. I'd like to come in and talk if you'd let me?"
"I honestly don't know if I should slam this door in your face like you did to me, well metaphorically speaking."
"I know; I have no right to ask." Sam's eyes dart back to the floor again, as if the most interesting thing is occurring just below his feet.
Feeling momentarily defeated I open the door for Sam to come into my home, but I worry if I'm opening up myself for him to trample all over my heart again.
Looking up in surprise, "Thank you," Sam says as he walks past me and into my living room. Without asking he takes a seat on the sofa. Thankfully he gives me enough room that when I sit down too, I can't feel the warm breath on my body that I would look forward to every night he stayed over.
"Look, it's been a long day. You want to talk, so talk."
Clearing his throat a little, Sam attempts to form some sort of a sentence. After several attempts he becomes exasperated and hangs his head down for a few seconds. Taking a deep breath he looks back up at me.
"Okay fine, I'll start. Where were you all today?" I ask feeling frustrated by this turn of events.
"All the TOs were sent out on surveillance regarding a case Guns and Gangs is working on. You know they still haven't replaced Donavon Boyd yet, so the unit is in need of some extra help."
"Yeah, I know they haven't replaced him yet. You should apply Sam. I mean since we're not together anymore it only makes since for you to get back to what you really love to do."
"Well, actually Frank approached me today and asked if I would consider the spot."
"Oh." Crap, that hurts more than I thought it would.
"McNally," Sam spouts. Without much of a break he continues. "Yes I love working in that unit, but it doesn't take away any of the time we spent together. Yes I stayed on patrol to be near you, and yes we are no longer together, but that is not the reason why I'm entertaining the idea." I can see a look of what I perceive to be as hope in Sam's eyes.
"You don't have to explain anything to me," I say shaking my head. "I'm no longer yours." Sam instantly looks like he's been slapped in the face. "Why do you look so hurt, you ended it with me?" I ask knowing my tone is very accusatory.
"I know, and I deserved that."
"It's not about what you deserve, it's the truth. And why would you admit to me, you staying on patrol to be with me, was a good thing? If you had stayed in Guns and Gangs, Jerry would still be here."
"Andy that's not true, I told you his death is not your fault. I blame myself for the decisions I made. Going to Guns and Gangs will help me keep my focus on the job. I know I'll always worry about your safety, but this is the only solution I can think of."
"Yeah, so you've said. Funny thing about words Sam, actions really do have a stronger voice." Before he can respond I quickly continue to talk. "Look I really don't have a desire to rehash this pain fest, so as you can see I'm fine and you should go."
"No wait, McNally this is not how I wanted this to go," Sam says almost pleading with me to hear him out.
"How then did you want this to go?" My words were a question, but my tone is clearly a challenge. One that Sam answered a moment later.
"You want action? I'll show you instead."
Without any hesitation his lips are on mine. I'm caught completely off guard that it takes a few good seconds before my lips answer his call. I'm not sure how long we stayed like this, our mouths welcoming each other home while our hands are saying "I've missed you". Feeling that warm breath on my neck during a brief break in contact from my mouth, he quickly tastes the soft skin that he used to know like the back of his hand. Following the invisible map up to my face he carefully begins to kiss the scrape on my cheek. After a few seconds he pulls away and gently explores the angry abrasion with his fingers, never taking his eyes off it, clearly wondering who would receive his wrath for my injury.
Wanting to distract him from any potential anger, my fingers find their own way to the warmth of his backside as they begin their own treasure hunt. Rubbing soft circles, going in and out the small of his back, and teasing what I might do next, Sam lets out a groan and crashes his lips on mine once again. This time there is no patience in his kisses and it isn't until he picks me up and carries me back into my bedroom that I remember a similar night, just one year ago. All the passion instantly leaves me and I know I can't let this go on any longer.
"Sam put me down," I tell him knowing this will just break again what is already so fragile inside me.
Doing as I ask, Sam sets my feet down and I can't help but think how the hard wood floors will offer me no comfort later tonight when I'm once again all alone and the silence is deafening.
"What's wrong Andy," Sam asks trying to regain his composure.
"I can't do this again. Yes, Sam we have amazing chemistry in bed, but that didn't pick us up when we fell. It would be so easy to just fall back into bed with you and forget about these past couple of months. But for how long? Until another tragedy in your life occurs?"
I'm trying so hard not to cry but I fear I may lose this battle. One look at him and all I want right now is to feel his arms around me again.
"What can I do Andy to make this right with you? I've been miserable McNally. A cloud of fog and a gut full of pain is all that I have anymore. I've known since the moment I left you in the rain I made a mistake. I just needed some time and space. Talking with Oliver today, he convinced me I needed to talk to you. Well, no that's not what I mean. I know I needed to talk to you, to make everything right. It wasn't until my conversation with Oliver today that he convinced me that punishing myself will not bring Jerry back. Then when we came back to the precinct and I heard about what happened today, well I just knew that I needed to see you."
"That's great but I can't continue to be in a relationship where I'm the only one giving."
"What do you mean, what haven't I given you Andy? I'm going to Guns and Gangs so we can make this work because our love is worth fighting for."
"The truth." I can see Sam try to pretend like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, but one look from me and he gives up before he even starts.
"Andy they are-+ just words. I show you every day how I feel."
"I'm sorry Sam, but it's not good enough anymore. Not after everything that's happened." My emotions are raw but I keep going, afraid this is my only chance to make him realize he can trust me with his heart. "I know you love me, and I know I said I didn't care that you don't tell me, but I realized I do care. I will not continue to be in a relationship with you when you can't tell me how you really feel."
"Growing up those words were thrown around between my mother, and whatever boyfriend of the week she had, like they meant nothing. I soon learned that was the case, those words weren't worth more than the first fight that led to us having to move from place to place. When you said those amazing three words, I'd never been happier, but I already knew, Andy. I knew the moment you came back for me at The Alpine, that every silent prayer I had was answered and the empty hope in my heart had been filled. I know you love me, and I've never been happier. I'm sorry Andy; I just can't say them back."
"Then goodbye, Sam, those are the only three words I have left to say."
Disbelief floods Sam's emotions, the writing is all over his face. I want to waiver and fall into his arms right now. I want to comfort him and tell him I'm sorry for all that he went through as a child, for I know this admission barely scratched the surface. I want to tell him I'll hold him all night long when he finally breaks down these walls and his heartbreak reaches its boiling point. My silent scream of these words go unheard and just like a cold dark rainy night two months ago, Sam walks away without a word. He will never know how much this is killing me, but we both deserve to be shown and told how each other feels.
I hear my door open and close in one swift movement, and once again the reverberations of this action will be felt for a long time. Any progress I made has been demolished. I fall down on my bed, crying from the pain of the re-break of my heart tonight. I don't know what time I finally start to fall asleep, but the last thought that runs through my mind leaves me wondering if I'll ever be enough for Sam Swarek to say those three little words that have the power to heal even the most battered of hearts.