Echoes flood the Japanese man's house as he returns home, unpacking his things that he had taken with him when he had moved in with Ludwig.
It feels so empty.
He leaves the things still packed as he walks through the dark, foreboding hallways of the home that he once knew. It would not be so bad, he hoped.
He realized he wasn't breathing as he stopped, looking into the kitchen. He and Ludwig had made love there before. They had sex on that table. He smiles a little, remembering this moment and the moment when they had burnt the food, too busy looking into each others eyes and holding each other closely to have remembered that they were cooking. He giggled quietly through the tears, knowing that they may never share moments like that again.
The "I love you"s seemed so far away. The touches, the loving sighs, the kisses and hugs seemed so distant, and he wanted them back.
Ludwig had loved him, truly loved him, and he only just realized this again as he walked back to his lonely bedroom. He looked down at his bare finger, reminding himself that he had left the ring with his now former fiance.
Kiku hadn't minded that they wouldn't be getting married, but the thought of losing Ludwig completely tightened his throat as he choked on some tears. He couldn't breathe for a moment. He already missed the German man, and they hadn't yet been apart for too long.
It became clear to Kiku that it would be almost impossible for him to love somebody the way that he had loved Ludwig. He had truly loved him with all his heart.
Kiku put a hand over his mouth as he tried to hold back a small whimper, a small sob. He wanted to be happy. He so badly wanted to be happy. But he was finding it difficult at the moment. He wanted to hear Ludwig's voice, just one last time, telling Kiku that he still loved him.
Oh God, he loves him so much.
He sat on the side of the bed, head in his hands, crying for what felt like hours. For a moment, he thought he heard a noise, but he realized it was only his small dog, Pochi-kun, jumping on the bed beside him.
"Oh, Pochi-kun... he has left me." He whispered as he picked up the small dog to hold it. "He has left me. I love him so much, but he has left me."
It was nearly impossible for Kiku to imagine a life without Ludwig, but he knew he had to try. He knew that he had to start living his life without the other man to hold him and comfort him every time he shed a tear, every time he couldn't stop crying.
He lied down and curled up on the bed, trying to stop the tears. Trying so hard.
He reminded himself many times that Ludwig would be happier this way, but it still didn't stop Kiku from crying. It only reminded him that the only way that Ludwig would ever be happy was if he was no longer in his life. Kiku knew that he had never been good enough to be with that man.
He wondered what Ludwig was doing at that moment. He wondered if perhaps the German man would cry about this too.
It was possible.
He wondered if Ludwig had found the ring, and if he had, what did he do with it? What did he whisper to himself as he picked it up? What kind of emotions flooded through the German's body as he realized the same thing that Kiku had realized... they wouldn't be together?
And the worst thought of all... Did Ludwig even care?
Kiku's thoughts only made him cry more and he tried to breathe again, managing a small breath here and there.
This pain was like nothing he had ever felt before, and he didn't know how to deal with it.
When he had cried over the loss of Gilbert, Ludwig had been there for him. Ludwig had held him and whispered to him and made everything more bearable.
But who would hold Kiku now that Ludwig was leaving him?
Who would whisper sweet things in his ear to stop the tears from flooding down his pale face?
He felt sick. Very sick, but he didn't want Ludwig to know how much this was hurting him. Kiku would be happy eventually. He would stop crying someday and he would be able to see Ludwig with another man and smile.
But he knew behind these smiles, he would always have a broken heart.
Even when it had healed, it would never be the same. Kiku knew this was the truth.
But as long as he could see Ludwig smile, as long as Kiku knew that Ludwig was happy, then he could try to smile with him. He could try to be happy for his friend, no matter how much it hurt. Because that's what you do when you're in love.
And Kiku was definitely in love, even though this love hurt him more than anything else ever had.
This porcelain heart of Kiku's had never shattered so easily as it did that day.