I hate it here. I hate knowing what's happening, and not being able to help, or act, or live. James says I'll get used to it, and Lily reminds me I could go free, anywhere, even into the stars if I like. But I have to stay, and watch. I left people behind, and I need to know what happens to them. Harry, for one. For another, Remus. He's all alone, now.
I meant Remus; his friends are either dead or traitors. And he doesn't have a lover anymore, either. I left him alone. Harry isn't really alone; he has his friends, and teachers. He still has Remus for a role-model and as a last link to his parents. But he doesn't, really, because Remus is being sent to go with the other werewolves. I hate to think of him there with the likes of Fenrir Greyback. But I suppose…
I don't know your face no more
Or feel the touch that I adore
Another worrying thing is Nymphadora Tonks. She's suddenly become infatuated with Remus. I suspected a spell or potion at first, but he would have recognized it if it was. And the worst part of her attraction is that Remus isn't trying to dissuade her. Sure, he gives excuses, but I know him better than anyone, and they're weak excuses, not meant to work. On me, they wouldn't.
On her, they do. She doesn't know him at all. I'm not sure I do, either. It's always been strictly blokes with my Moony.
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
Christmas nearly breaks my heart. Remus is back with them now, and he's spending Christmas with the Weasleys. I didn't exactly like Molly, but she has a good heart. There are old love songs playing on the wireless, and Remus looks so sad, staring into the fire.
'He'll be all right,' Lily whispers, crouching beside me as I watch him. I attempt to smile at her, and then resume my watching.
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
I stare with disbelief at the scene in front of me. Harry had not contradicted Ginny when she said Dumbledore was dead, and Remus had actually lost control. I feel tears that are not there running down my own face. As annoyed as I had been at the Headmaster before I had…I was still devastated at the news. And Remus…he felt he owed Dumbledore so much, for letting him into Hogwarts.
And then I realise whose fault it was that Dumbledore was dead, that my Remus was so upset.
'Snape,' I hiss.
'It was a mistake to trust him,' Dumbledore agrees, sitting beside me and looking down at the scene below. He looks sadder than I have ever seen anyone.
We cry together.
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well
Tonks' profession of love does not surprise me, but Remus' reaction does.
'And I've told you a million times that I am too old for you, too poor…too dangerous….'
That is the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard. It's all true, but she won't believe it. And Molly actually agrees with her…and Arthur…and McGonagall?
'There is more love in the world, yes, but also more heartbreak,' Dumbledore says softly.
I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I almost don't watch Dumbledore's funeral, but I decide that I ought to, out of respect. And what I see is worse than anything I've yet seen.
Tonks has her powers back, and Remus--my Remus--is holding hands with her. Now I know I don't know him anymore. How can he love someone who doesn't know anything about him? Anyone should have had sense enough not to bring up their relationship in front of a room full of mourning people.
And Tonks! She's a Black, through and through. No one else would be…something enough…to do this to family, even if that family is dead. I loved Remus so much, and she…and he…
How could they?
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart
'Are you all right, Sirius?' Dumbledore asks quietly.
'Fine,' I reply brokenly.
But I'm not. I'm completely confused. And…even though I'm…my heart is still broken. It would be one thing if it was someone else. And if a few more years had passed since my death. And hell, if it was man! But…
Did Remus ever love me?
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in another time
I don't watch the world much anymore. Harry fought Voldemort, and they both died. He watches the world all the time, though he also talks with his parents a lot. I sit with him, and offer silent comfort. I don't much anymore, either.
It's been fifty years since Dumbledore died. Each one has been an eternity, and I still have all of forever left to…
Wait. Something is happening. Remus…
No!
He's coming…
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
'Hello, Sirius,' he says softly. I simply stare at him. His hair is almost completely silver now, though a few traces of brown remain. His face is lined, and he has more scars, but he is still, undeniably, Remus John Lupin. I can't say anything…how can he greet me so casually when he…?
'Why?' I say finally.
He raises an eyebrow. 'Why what? Why did I die? You saw quite plainly, I think.'
'Why Tonks?' I manage.
He sighs. 'Oh, Padfoot…I….'
I turn away. I don't want to know. I want to hold on to what we once had.
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
'I just needed someone. And she was there.'
'I wanted to be there,' I whisper harshly.
'But you weren't, Sirius. You weren't.'
'Did it…did any of it…ever mean anything to you?'
'Of course it did. But, well…she's given me fifty years. Of total devotion. And I…'
I swallow, close my eyes. I still love this beautiful, sad creature standing in front of me. But I can't stand to stay here and…and…
'Goodbye, my Remus,' I say, and disappear.
I reappear, as Lily has always told me to go, among the stars. I stand on one particular star, in Canis Major, though not the one you think.
'I love you.'
For all I know