Disclaimers: The characters don't belong to me (of course since it's fanfiction), they belong to Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett.
Twists and turns
He knew that the baby would bring trouble; he was the Antichrist after all. He should have been destroyed the minute Crowley got his polished hands on him. But he followed orders, he was a 'good' demon, sort of say. Now the feeling of guilt was tormenting him. He told Aziraphale that the kid was dead, six feet under, suffocated by the solid ground...not playing happily in front of him while he was acting the nanny role. "Damn you angel...damn you and your nature" he scolded, knowing that he, himself was the only one to blame for this...and Hell too, it always, ALWAYS ruined his plans, like some hundred of years ago. Drumming his fingers on his crossed legs, Crowley remembered how the demons called him back for an urgent meeting. How he missed his body from back then, he couldn't find it after he came back either. Not that his actual body was of lower standards, oh not at all. He even began liking the pitch black hair and the expressive eyes. He looked like a human demon, being quite proud of himself for coming up with that definition. The kid waved to him, and good manners demanded that he return the gesture, with a rigid steer of the hand. After all this was finished, he'll make that angel pay for every diaper he had to change, for every time the brat pucked on him, AND for every time the mother tried to seduce him. Humans were vile, even demons stood and wondered at the atrocity brought by human hands. And in modern times, it was worse, worse than worse (he had to remember to invent a new word for human mischief) than anything he ever experienced...and he lived for a, let's just say, pretty long while.
"Cowley" the kid started whining again, great.
"Yes dear" the human demon (he should start addressing to himself like that he wasn't quite ready to go back to Hell and give up the miracles of human kind, such as from now on) forced a smile that would scare off legions of horse ridding Atillas. "And it's Crowley, not Cowley, you damn brat" he added in a growl. Of course, what could he expect form an involved two years and a half human offspring, that will probably grow up and destroy the world, but that was later on, and it will surely not happen on his round...to be added that fast-food, cars, speed limits to be broken, television...and most of all mobile phones. Oh and he should add blackmail on that list too. Humans really DO think of everything on their way up to success don't they? The annoying pulling at his sleeve made him pay attention to the person (half-person actually) at his feet.
"I need to wee-wee".
Crowley's eyes widened beyond belief as soon as the kid opened his mouth. He just changed his suit (he did that every time he had to bathe the child or take him to the toilet) and he was getting annoyed at doing it so often. "Now?! Can't you wait?" he hoped but the boy shook his head. With a look of total disgust while cursing God, Satan and ESPECIALLY Aziraphale in his mind (he actually began pondering if he should just tell his winged friend and get it over with, couldn't be worse than this anyway) he got up from the bench placed in the far end of the park and walked Adam between the trees. His hand opened the boy's fly (while Crowley was thinking of every torture method he knew for the angel). Then his hands, perfectly manicured, held him up while he was doing his thing. A ring in his ear announced him that someone was looking for him. "Oh for all the fires in Hell" Crowley cursed. "Adam stand"
"But I'm not done..."
"Stand fiend!" and when the boy finally did what he was told, the demon snapped his fingers and answered his phone (while Adam was amazingly floating in mid air). "Yes?" he tried to be polite. You may never know when someone wants to make a deal with you over the phone, or sell you something new that will probably break in some hours, while the company evaporates as soon as it took your money.
"Hello there" a calm voice made him erase all his thoughts. It was suddenly hard to breathe out there, (between the trees, there was no pollution…he needed to have a talk with him and solve that matter) if he actually breathed.
"H-hello" he suddenly realized that he was sounding odd, immediately correcting that. "What? I'm busy angel"
"You've been busy for almost three years, aren't you about done?"
Crowley sighed, he had to lie, it was his job. He was good at doing it (not to mention that he was born with this ability, he actually had millennia to improve it too), almost too good, but this wasn't the same. "It's not the fourteen century anymore you know, us demons have a hard time trying to think of something despicable, that humans haven't thought of yet. Best thing I came up with is cutting off the phone lines during rush hours...can you imagine the chaos?" he added with a giggle. He could actually hear Aziraphale's stern look through the phone, if he tried a bit more, he could see it too.
"And I'm sure that the other demons appreciated your acts of evilness" the angel's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "However, even demons need some time off"
"Evil doesn't sleep" Crowley quoted an old saying (he actually heard it in a movie and thought he should assume credit for it).
"Oh then it clearly isn't referring to you, you slept through almost the whole seventeen century." Aziraphale said matter-of-factly.
"Yet you can't affirm that the evil-doers were any less" the human demon protected his pride.
"That's not my point. Listen I don't have all eternity, tonight, dinner at the Ritz?"
"Of course, I'm paying" Crowley detected the subtle message
"If you insist, make it at eight, I have something I need to take care of at the shop." Aziraphale quickly said and hung up, leaving Crowley to take care of the reservations.
"Snake!" the human demon hissed in the receiver and shoved the phone back in his Armani pants (worth more than Satan could ever pay out of his salary). With a snap of his long fingers, Adam landed on the ground with a small thump. "We're going home" Crowley said with a tone that refused any comments (of course, not if you're a two and a half year old Antichrist).
"I wanna pway Cowley!"
"You're the spawn of Satan you don't play you destroy" Crowley mumbled and then added in a normal tone "Crowley you brat, and no you can't play anymore, nanny...I mean I have some business to attend to" he needed to get away, fast! Opening the back door to his Bentley he shoved Adam inside, fastening the seat-belt on the way (with another snap of his fingers of course, he was in a hurry). The sooner he let the brat home, the sooner he could meet with that dammed angel. He wasn't about to admit or even accept it, but he missed the winged creature, and it wasn't anything like the fourteen century. Back in those days, Aziraphale merely met with him to scold him for his recent deeds (he never got the real point of the increasing evil around) and now, well with Crowley's miraculous invention called the restaurant, they could meet more often (when Crowley asked him out to lunch or dinner, always on his treat). A police car singled for him to pull over, and the demon let out a frustrated sigh. Making a complicated wave of his hand, the police car suddenly stopped dead in the middle of the road, smoke coming out of the front part. Feeling more relieved now (and causing two or three car crashes and a street fight added to that) Crowley reached for his phone and dialled the restaurant's number.
"Ritz restaurant, how may I help you?" the same girl answered, same voice, same tone, same line.
"Table for two please, at eight, Anthony J. Crowley" he said with a sigh, clenching a bit at his phone as the other hand rested on the leather wheel of the car. "Smokers" he added and then closed the phone, throwing it on the seat next to him. The hand that was holding it raised to his temples and started massaging the area slowly. Demons don't get headaches, but they do get tired from time to time. For Crowley, it was only the beginning. A pair of eyes gazed at the mirror, looking for Adam. The boy didn't move from his spot (not that he could anyway, with Crowley's seat-belts), he was looking out the window, probably thinking of how to torture his 'nanny' more. The radio turned on, playing his usual Queen tape, for a while, and then it started making weird noises.
"Crowley?" Hastur's voice could be heard instead of the lyrics.
"Honestly, can't you demons learn how to use a mobile phone? I'm sure I can set up a line straight to Hell, so you won't bother me nor my songs!" Crowley hissed annoyed.
"How's the child demon? Is everything going according to plan?" The Duke of Hell ignored Crowley's complains.
"Yes you over-grown-worm-infested-creature! Do you think I'm taking care of him just because I like to clean his shit?" his fingers started drumming on the wheel as his eyes drifted up again. They weren't black anymore. "Fuck!" it came out louder than he expected. Adam was giggling. "Shut up fiend!"
"What?!"
"Not you! The other fiend that's pestering me with its mere existence"
"Never talk like that about Satan's son" the voice filled the car as Hastur got mad.
"You try changing his diapers and then we'll see…" Crowley mumbled under his breath.
"Listen here you low life demon…"
"Awww Hastur you really don't have to praise me so much" Crowley said matter-of-factly.
"Hell will freeze over by the time I praise you for something, you low pathetic excuse for a demon" Hastur raised his tone.
"Ok ok ok enough with the sweet talk, the kid's fine, he's shitting normally, he's doing a great job annoying me and he's alive. Now can you please allow me to enjoy my music?"
"You have been tempted by the mortal world Crowley" Hastur managed to say before Crowley turned off the radio.
"Piss off…" he said under his breath. "As a demon I feel proud to learn from humans…Hell is a small kid compared to them" he directed his eyes at the mirror again. "Shit!" again, it came out a bit louder than he wanted to, and Adam started giggling. A single look from his 'nanny' made the laugh turn into a cough and then into silence.
"Where are you going Cowley?" Adam asked, figuring that the demon had too much relaxation, more than he needed anyway.
"Crowley!! And it's none of your business, like a kid could understand…" he was about to go on when the kid interrupted.
"I wanna go too!"
"You need some manners, the Hell am I taking you to meet Aziraphale!" the human demon put on his glasses to cover his now yellow, cat-like eyes. He blamed it on the Stress, of course making a mental note to have a face to horn talk with him back in Hell. "Besides….you were supposed to be dead" he added in a whisper more to himself. The car made a sudden turn (and two other crashed) as Crowley pulled on the wheel. He parked in front of the house, neglecting the "No parking" sign, like the good demon he was, and unfastened Adam's seatbelt. The boy followed him to the front door, and destroyed the demon's chances of escape by yelling for his mother.
"Shit kid! Don't scream…hello there miss" the door opened and a rather young woman appeared in front of him with a radiant smile on her face (of course, it was Crowley).
"My dear, back so soon?" a wave of the hand invited him in the house.
"I'm afraid I have some business to attend to, a rather important meeting that I cannot delay, so I brought young Adam home" Crowley faked his British accent. Seems that English 'nannies' were at far grater search than American ones, so Crowley adapted (he also cut the power that day so that the old ladies couldn't come to the interview so he was the only one there, of course…he got the job, the mother liked him…and his looks).
"Oh, that's sad…I was about to drink a coffee and I didn't want to do it alone" she said in a more than subtle voice.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry m'am but I really have to go…important meeting, can't be late" a real-fake smile appeared on his face. He could fake it very, very well.
"I guess it can't be helped then" a sigh, "…you are a very busy man, you must be…" eyelashes being flickered.
"That I am" a bow, "Now I must take my leave, I shall see you tomorrow, and your lovely son" a forced smile. He turned and opened the car door.
"Take care then, try not to be bored" the woman said cheerily.
"Miss you Cowley"
"Crowley" the door was slammed and the car took speed. He managed to escape, finally he was free, till tomorrow but he preferred not to think about it right now. Turning on the radio and pray…hoping that Hastur or any other Hell creature will interrupt his songs now, he leaned back on the chair and carelessly drove to Aziraphale's small shop (normally all this had to take a couple of hours, but it was Crowley at the wheel so it all happened in half an hour, or even less if he didn't took so much joy in watching the mischief he provoked on the way). Parking his Bentley in front of the shop he slowly knocked at the door. For some reason it seemed odd, he never knocked but an absence of three years made him think about manners. A tall person, wearing the same jacket as always (no matter how many times Crowley complained, the angel never changed his Tweed jacket), and with a rather annoyed look on his face.
"Lemme guess, you were reading." Crowley said sarcastic as soon as his friend opened the door.
"You're early" Aziraphale stepped aside and made the demon room to enter.
"Never heard you complaining about that" a raised eyebrow followed by a shake of hands (ok so maybe it was half a hug from Crowley's part). He took a seat on the uncomfortable chair as the angel went to bring something to drink. "You should really let me buy you at least and armchair, if you don't want to buy it yourself" the demon said looking around. Packed with books as always, what could he expect from an angel that does good all day?
"I'm perfectly satisfied with my shop the way it is thank you" he entered the room with two glasses and a bottle of whisky, "I don't want you messing around with it" the last words were emphasized.
"I got your point, jeez" Crowley rolled his eyes, though the action was hidden by the dark sun-glasses.
"You can take them off you know, you're with me now" as soon as Aziraphale spoke the glasses lost their royal place and ended up on the table.
"Must be The Stress" Crowley said and looked away. Not that he minded, but every time he looked at the angel's eyes he remembered about his cat-like ones, and needless to say, it wasn't much of a joy.
"It's something from your part, you should do something about it" the angel gave a small laugh. It couldn't be helped, Aziraphale may be an angel at origin, but he lived among humans for so long, even he started laughing and the demon's uneasiness. "Been so busy?"
"Hell's working me overtime, and I don't even have a salary to complain about"
"How did they react at the news you gave them? That the Antichrist is dead?" the inevitable question. If there was ever a time for Crowley to start breathing, this was it. Inhale and exhale, he should learn how to do this stuff.
"Of course they got mad, Satan went on a rampage that had nothing to do with grief of losing the child, more like, the fact that he had to create a new kid and even Satan gets lazy…and well…I'm set with the mission of finding out what happened." Crowley said, with an overdramatical sigh. Aziraphale looked at him and smiled (Crowley had to look twice to be convince it was really a smile and not a pout).
"You did the right…"
"Ok, I know! Just don't say it! I'm a demon do try and remember that angel!" Crowley thanked whoever was out there that Aziraphale didn't want to know about how he killed him, of course all kinds of methods ran through his head but they all involved diapers or toys, added the kid's mother on the killing list too.
"I always knew you had a good side" Aziraphale pushed on with the idea. Crowley took a sip out of the glass and gave his friend a mean look.
"Would you just zip it? Ok so I did something good for this world and I'll never hear the end of it from you, also I won't have to if Hastur hears about this, so let's keep it low." He wasn't upset, not at all, but the situation was strange to say the least. Shifting in his chair he finally found a rather comfortable position. It didn't help his situation though.
"Ok, just because you're taking me out at the Ritz, after I insisted on it. Come to think of it, what in Heaven's name did you do for so long my boy?"
"Stop sounding like a gay man if you're not planning on becoming one" Crowley hissed, "…and I was busy, creating havoc and stuff like that" the hiss became a murmur.
"You can create havoc here too, don't tell me you're suddenly ashamed of being your demoly self around me, now are you?" the angel crocked an eyebrow at him. Curious, he didn't breathe, but he found himself chocking over the whisky.
"Wha…what in the name of your tweed jacket are you talking about angel? I'm not ashamed, it's not mentioned in the demon's way to be." Crowley shifted again in his chair.
"Then why go so far for your demonly deeds?" oh that damned angel wouldn't give up now would he.
"Oh for Go…Sa…Manchester's sake angel! I was tired of hearing your complains. There…now what do you have to say about this?" Crowley folded his arms and tried to look upset. "Ha! Let's see what you have to say about that one" his mind already registered the victory over the discussion. The human demon always wins (if there's not an Aziraphale involved that is, he still needed to learn that).
"Oh…my G..dear!" Aziraphale changed mid-word as soon as he saw Crowley's face. "Well then, you could have just told me…and I would have stopped, it was quite dull without you…and I couldn't get my job done either." The angel looked at his almost empty glass, and refilled it with a blink.
"W….excuse me?! Ask you? And you would have stopped…just like that? Somehow, I highly doubt it, you know….it's in your eyes, you're lying…."
"I do feel offended. Angels do not lie, as you reckon, but why did you have to leave just like that?" Aziraphale glared a bit, but his angelic nature didn't allow him to hold that look for more than a couple of seconds.
"Why are you so interested in my departure, you….didn't miss me now did you?" the slight snake grin appeared on the demon's face, showing his white teeth. "And what's that about 'not doing your job because of my absence' thing? You know I don't feel guilty about you not being able to spread 'love and peace' all around"
"I…I most certainly did not miss you, not…not that much anyway. And without you creating disasters what's an angel to do the whole day?" Aziraphale suddenly stood up and walked over to the bookshelves. "I honesty read them almost twice…every copy" he emphasised the last two words.
"Go back on that matter will you?" the grin was still there, nothing good was about to come.
"What matter?"
"The 'I didn't miss you that much' part…you did didn't you?" if it was possible, the grin spread across his face even more.
"Oh…aren't we late for the restaurant?" Aziraphale started walking towards the door. He was caught though by two arms and turned around, coming face to teeth with Crowley.
"No no Zira my dear, we have all the time in the world" he pushed the angel back in his chair and looked him in the eyes. "Now…angels do not lie, you said it yourself and as much as I love going back home early and Google myself up, probably writing a page on wikipedia, I want to get this straight." He almost sissed out of satisfaction.
"My dear…didn't you make a list with some things you won't do anymore? What was it…no more sticking coins to the ground, or…no more smoking outside Hell's gates?" Aziraphale shifted a bit, trying to get away from his friend…no use.
"Not my fault Satan put the "No smoking" signs everywhere, said that there's too much smoke already." Crowley said with a note of annoyance.
"Vanity is a sin you know…"
"Please….feeding ducks causes their death, you get them so fat they can't fly anymore." Crowley said, his grin returning, "Besides, Sin is my cousin, I can talk it out with him…now answer my question"
"I…" Aziraphale turned his head, probably found something interesting on the floor.
"This is getting cliché, just answer" Crowley started drumming his fingers.
"If you really must know…I did, there was no one to create havoc around, and I had nothing to do."
"Sure sure, and Heaven is a residence in Hell…confess angel" that grin was getting strangely close.
"Playing stupid won't help now will it?" a shake of the head answered his question. He gave a loud sigh and looked at the cat-like eyes. "Skip dinner tonight?"
Crowley's eyes started sparkling. "If you wish, I doubt the restaurant will catch fire if we're not there…"
"It had better not" Aziraphale gave him a suggestive look.
"Not planning on doing anything with one of my favourite places, you think so little of me" the human demon said with a sigh. "Ok, we'll skip it, but you'd better tell me everything, or else I'll make you commit a sin"
"I would never ever do that, you know…well" his words came to a halt as Crowley leaned forward.
"I wouldn't be that sure" a snake-like tongue appeared between his lips. "You know, I've been told I do a lot of good things with this tongue" it was a hiss, so the angel thought (wished) he heard him wrong.
"My dear, do step aside this distance is rather…uncomfortable, your back must hurt" the angel tried to save himself from the current situation.
"I'm quite fine, don't try to wiggle your way out of this one, now stay still" two hands pressed him on the back of the chair, "…and tell me what made you refuse my chocolate desert at the Ritz."
"Oh my…we had chocolate? Can I change my mind now?" Aziraphale said with a smile (maybe….just maybe).
"Not a chance in Hell, Heaven or Earth" the grin returned (good-bye delicious desert) and the face closed in a few more inches.
"Yes…I supposed it isn't moral to change my mind so soon, could you wait a couple of minutes?"
"Angel…"
"Yes?" would he actually wait? Aziraphale was reluctant but he still hoped.
"Shut the fuck up" and then a pair of lips descended on the already parted ones.
"Oh my…" it was more of a guess from the human demon since Aziraphale couldn't speak, more like…whine (he did do good stuff with his tongue). A hand was placed on the angel's shoulder and made an attempt of removing the clothing that covered the skin there.
"I don't think that…" his attempts of resisting were cut off by the tongue that re-entered his mouth, thus making them transform in a moan, or something close to it.
"Shut up, you've been talking for the last six millennia, time to zip it, and let the others use their mouths the way they know best" Crowley hissed with pleasure and leaned to lick the angel's neck. "Now, isn't this better than chocolate dessert?" of course he didn't expect any answer, but a moan, that was something he never even dreamed of (in the few times he actually slept, he was too busy imagining ways to seduce this angel –looks like dreams can come true-).
"Dear…I…" he tried and he tried, but with no success, and what was the (poor) angel to do? Subdue to the ministrations (if he were to say that he didn't like it he would be lying, and angels do not lie). A cold hand entered beneath his shirt and he shivered a bit, though he knew that he shouldn't be able to feel cold. "I…presume…no escape?"
"None" Crowley stopped just to answer and then he returned to his previous act of licking and sucking at the exposed skin, gradually letting even more show off as his head dropped lower, probably lower than Aziraphale would have imagined, if he only looked (his eyes were firmly shut, probably thinking that this was, after all, a dream). The hand dripped lower, close to the zipper of the pants, and then it climbed up again, reaching the left nipple. He pinched and then brought his mouth to it, sucking almost greedily at the flesh, extracting all sorts of sounds for the angel. "Now that's something you don't hear everyday…moans of an angel, I can get used to them." A short pause in the act of torture. Just as he was about to answer, the demon (human demon) returned to the process he interrupted. The hand bluntly slipped lower and lower until it reached the zipper. He knew, of course he knew that angels were sexless, but in this moment, even Aziraphale couldn't restrain himself, and Crowley was counting on that. He could, with less effort, do this with just the blink of an eye, undressing Aziraphale that is, but living among people, taught him a thing or two (this was one of them, the second was that inactive phones were a real annoyance for everyone).
"Boxers? Zira, and I thought you would wear old type of underwear, something like…they wore in the middle ages, you surprise me." Crowley hissed, and carefully slid down his pants (they weren't Armani like his so he didn't have to worry about them so much). And there is was, in all it's splendour and hardness. He knew, he just knew that Zira would make an effort, now at least. As the air hit his skin, the angel let out a small sound, that couldn't actually be classified as a moan, but something close to it nonetheless.
"Damn you…" was that all he wanted to say, or better yet, al that he could say, given the circumstances? Of course, Aziraphale was a per…hum…creature of few words, so hearing so much from him in one night, was something worth remembering.
"I told you I'd make you sin" oh that grin again, and this time, he was actually looking, at his usual flat (now high and hard) space between his legs. The angel closed his eyes, fearing (embarrassed, actually) what came next. It seemed that the demon's head was getting closer and closer to his intimate space. And then suddenly he felt it, and he was about to faint. The lips placed upon his own hardness took his breath away (he didn't have one to begin with), and the bobbing motion added to the sensation.
"Oh G…" he stopped as Crowley's fingers entered his mouth. 'No mentioning of any saints thank you' Aziraphale got the message and slid his tongue across the fingers. That made the demon gave a low humm, which, the whole thing being a vicious circle, made Aziraphale grab the dark hair with one hand and push Crowley down. It was new, but as sure as Hell, the angel was good at it (have to trust the instincts). He let his tongue work on the upper half, while his hand started rubbing and applying pressure on the lower one. He felt something in his mouth, when he let his tongue wonder off the tip of Zira's length, and he knew that the angel wasn't far from climaxing. The fingers left their usual place, meaning Aziraphale's mouth, and started placing wet patterns on his nipples, and then on his abdomen.
"Ngh…" that was the most coherent sound he could make, given the situation. Suddenly the lips left his length and were place upon his own. The eyes flew open and they met the yellow cat-like ones that were almost grinning. He demanded entrance, or rather, his tongue did, and Aziraphale was more than happy to oblige. The kiss deepened as he found himself pushing the demon closer and closer. He could feel the grin across his lips, a second later, the warmth covered his length as he gave a high-pitch moan. Something was building up in the pit of his stomach, and when Crowley let his tongue slide across the top, he felt like he exploded in his mouth.
"Sin is served" Crowley said while getting up and licking his lips, as if he quite enjoyed this.
"I hope…this…won't come as a record on your wikipedia page…now won't it?"
"Only on LiveJournal, don't worry." He pulled the angel up and stole another kiss. "You have to admit, chocolate was nothing compared to this."
"You really are a good fellow"
"Where did that come from?? I just made you have intimate relations with a demon, what's good in that?"
"You told the truth" Aziraphale said with a wide grin.
"Oh…." That was all that eh could mutter. Aziraphale had a radiant smile on his face (that probably had nothing to do with the after glory of the orgasm he just had) and Crowley couldn't help but snicker a bit himself. "You'll Fall for this you know"
"Dear, I was forced on doing this, it's your fault"
"Forced my horns" the human demon raised an inquiring eyebrow and Aziraphale looked away, "I didn't sense you pushing me away."
"You reckon we have time to get to the restaurant?" the angel asked, eyes filled with hope.
"Not a chance, you asked to stay home, and home we'll stay" Crowley said with a gleam in his own yellow eyes. "You can't wiggle your way out if this one, brought it upon yourself, you know…" the grin, the eternal grin was added at the end of that sentence.
"Oh my dear…" his voice dropped suddenly.