Lincoln woke up and yawned as he slipped out of his sleeping bag. Eating breakfast, brushing his teeth, and taking a shower seemed par for the course when he got ready for the day ahead. Getting dressed in his usual orange polo, blue jeans, and white sport shoes, he descended downstairs to leave for school when he caught his family whispering amongst themselves in the kitchen. Suppressing both a sigh and scowl, he mentally thought to himself: Ugh, are they seriously coming up with a plan to earn my forgiveness for what happened a while ago? If so, they have another thing coming –
Suddenly, the door burst open and caught the attention of the family; it was Ronnie Anne Santiago standing there with a doozy of a smile. Lincoln, suspecting that she was on in the plan of cheering him up, was about to say something worthy of a retort when the unexpected occurred.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. Lincoln remained in stunned silence before Ronnie Anne pulled back, a string of drool emerging from between their lips. Winking slyly at him, she turned tail and left the premises. Blinking a few times before turning around to face his equally shocked family...he rarely cursed.
"What the hell?"
"Lincoln! Lincoln!"
The white-haired protagonist of his own show turned around to find his nerdy best ex-friend Clyde McBride running towards him in a state of terror. I got a bad feeling about this...
"Lincoln, you won't believe me if I told you! But the craziest thing just happened to me just now!"
"Haiku kissed you?"
"How did you know?"
"I just got planted with a French Kiss by Ronnie Anne before I left the house. Cristina kissed me on one cheek, while Stella kissed me on the other. Her sister, NG, kissed all over just as Paige and Girl Jordan did when I entered the school. Too many kisses."
(In case you were wondering, "NG" is the "New Girl" from "White Hare".) Clyde was distracted by Lincoln's distinct presence of sardonic delivery that he almost didn't notice the front entrance slam open.
"The same thing happened to me!"
"And me!"
They both turned to Conner Pingrey and Chandler Henderson sprinting towards them with dread matching that of Clyde's. Lincoln dryly chuckled at Chandler's fear and trembling, daring to remark: "Aw, what's the matter, Chandler? I thought you liked getting attention."
"This isn't what I meant, Larry!" Chandler himself was clearly unamused by this horrible turn of events. "I got kissed three times! Three times, Loud!"
"Lucky," Clyde crossed his arms in the midst of a pout, "Lincoln got kissed six times."
"SIX TIMES?!" Connor and Chandler shrieked before the former stepped in front of the latter. "Who kissed you?"
"Well, there was Ronnie Anne, Cristina, Stella, NG, Paige, and Girl Jordan. Nobody else, I swear."
"Wait, what?!" Conner was livid all of a sudden, marching up to get in Lincoln's face. "Cristina...kissed you?!"
"Yeah, why? Why are you so defensive all of a sudden?"
"Well, it should be fairly obvious, Lincoln: I have a crush on Cristina!"
"What the– ?!" Lincoln stumbled backward, Clyde reacting quickly to support him. "How was I supposed to know?"
"Why are you acting so surprised?"
"Because I would've been fine with that back in the days when I had a crush on her!"
"You're not now?"
"Well, obviously! I have a crush on somebody else!"
"QUIET!"
The both of them turned to face a heavily breathing Rocky Spokes...who flashed a nervous smile and waved, "Hi."
Lincoln and Conner waved 'Hi' back before facing each other again.
"So...you don't have a crush on Cristina?"
"I used to. I moved on from her and to Ronnie Anne...sorta."
"Ha, ha!" Chandler clutched his sides as he guffawed quite mercilessly. "Why you so obsessed with me...?"
"You...listen to Mariah Carey?"
Chandler realized his mistake and turned to Rocky with a frown, "Of course not. My dad does."
A scoff was emitted from Rocky before he turned to face Lincoln. "Do you know what's happening here, Lincoln? Your sister kissed me while smiling."
"The same thing happened to us," Lincoln nodded in understanding agreement. "and I'm finding out why."
"Don't you mean 'we'?" Conner interjected.
"No, I mean 'me'," Lincoln reassessed, "because you guys are just gonna fuck shit up. No bullshit."
He then turned around and walked away from the four of them. They simply stared for a while...
...before Conner began to walk off after him.
"You're gonna help him?"
"Yep!"
Lincoln strolled down the hallways of Royal Woods Elementary to find each and every one of his male classmates being smooched by their female counterparts. Liam with Tabby, Zach with Giggles, Rusty with Polly, Artie with Paige and others... The list goes on and on. It unnerved him.
Would you be mine? Would you be my baby tonight?
Lincoln slowed to a stop in the middle of the hallway. Scanning his surroundings for any signs of a sexy and seductive girl's voice singing a love ballad...
Could be kissing my fruit punch lips in the bright sunshine
...he knew now that he was not alone.
'Cause I like you quite a lot, everything you got, don't you know?
It's you that I adore, though I make the boys fall like dominoes
Suddenly, all the girls broke away from their kisses with the boys, subsequently swooning at the appearance of their signature song:
"Oh my God, I love this song!" Girl Jordan cried out.
"This is our song, baby!" Paige screamed.
"Play that funky beat, mate!" Tabby shrieked with enthusiasm.
Kiss me in the D-A-R-K dark tonight
(D-A-R-K do it my way)
Kiss me in the P-A-R-K park tonight
(P-A-R-K let them all say)
Hey, Lolita, hey
Hey, Lolita, hey
I know what the boys want, I'm not gonna play
Hey, Lolita, hey
Hey, Lolita, hey
Whistle all you want but I'm not gonna stay
No more skipping rope, skipping heartbeats with the boys downtown
Just you and me feeling the heat even when the sun goes down...
This song... Lincoln thought to himself: It's this song playing now that's affecting the girls and making them fall in love with the boys!
. . .
It actually makes sense, considering this song's catchiness.
. . .
Wait, what the hell am I thinking?
I could be yours, I could be your baby tonight
"Hey there, Romeo..."
Lincoln's blood ran cold as he whirled around just in time for Ronnie Anne to plant one on the lips.
. . .
Why am I enjoying this?
Topple you down from your sky forty stories high
"How was your day, handsome?"
Lincoln had difficulty keeping his composure while around Ronnie Anne...and for very good reason.
. . .
Her eyes were in the shape of candy red hearts.
Shining like a God, can't believe I got you and so
Look at what I bought, not a second thought, oh, Romeo
"Oh my God, I hate this song!" Boy Jordan cried out.
"This is our death, babe!" Artie screamed.
"Stop that fresh jam, mate!" Liam shrieked.
Kiss me in the D-A-R-K dark tonight
(D-A-R-K do it my way)
Kiss me in the P-A-R-K park tonight
(P-A-R-K let them all say)
Hey, Lolita, hey
Hey, Lolita, hey
I know what the boys want, I'm not gonna play
Hey, Lolita, hey
Hey, Lolita, hey
Whistle all you want but I'm not gonna stay
No more skipping rope, skipping heartbeats with the boys downtown
Just you and me feeling the heat even when the sun goes down...
Lincoln couldn't hear anything what either the boys or girls were saying; their words fell on his deaf ears. He was now entranced by the presence of Ronnie Anne, who seemed to satisfied with her efforts in making him beg on his knees not to leave him hanging. It was almost as if she was a...
. . .
A succubus. Oh, no...
. . .
"Yeah. My day's splendid..."
I want my cake and I want to eat it too
I want to have fun and be in love with you
I know that I'm a mess with my long hair and my sun tan, short dress, bare feet
I don't care what they say about me, what they say about me
Because I know that it's L-O-V-E
You make me happy, you make me happy
And I never listen to anyone
(Let them all say)
Hey, Lolita, hey
Hey, Lolita, hey
I know what the boys want, I'm not gonna play
Hey, Lolita, hey
Hey, Lolita, hey
Whistle all you want but I'm not gonna stay
No more skipping rope, skipping heartbeats with the boys downtown
Just you and me feeling the heat even when the sun goes down...
With one swift movement, Lincoln knocked Ronnie Anne out and carried her to the front entrance, where Conner (carrying an unconscious Cristina) and the others followed him out not soon after.
"Hey!"
Lincoln stopped and turned around to find the group trailing not far behind.
"Let's go!"
"Where?"
"My house!"
The group took off to Lincoln's house in need of a plan...
...unaware that another pair of eyes were watching them.
Lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes...
Hey, Lolita, hey
Hey, Lolita, hey
I know what the boys want, I'm not gonna play
Hey, Lolita, hey
Hey, Lolita, hey
Whistle all you want but I'm not gonna stay
No more skipping rope, skipping heartbeats with the boys downtown
Just you and me feeling the heat even when the sun goes down...
A/N: For those who don't know, the story is inspired by a Camp Camp one on AO3 called "Hey, Lolita, Hey", where all the female characters fall in love with all the male characters and the protagonists must find a way to reverse the curse (the song "Lolita" by Lana Del Rey is where this originates from). "Siren" is essentially the same story on cocaine, LSD, Pop Rocks, soda, and Smile Dip. If this story sounds strange, abnormal, and far from your typical Loud House fanfic, that's kind of the point. Think They Live (1988) meets The Stepford Wives (1975), another strange, abnormal, and far from typical blend of action, horror, and social commentary.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Every property goes to their respective owners.