"He's your friend, he doesn't love you the way you love him. It's not you." It's what Merlin keeps telling himself. He's been reminding himself of those facts for two years, but it never helps. Still, he needs it, if he didn't have it he'd start to hope. Hope is the one thing he can't have, because there is no hope for him. He can never have Arthur. No matter how much he longs for him. For his love, his touch, to be the most important person in his life.
But he's not. That place is held by Guinevere. She holds his heart, not Merlin. He'll always be second. Never first, never Arthur's most beloved. He knows that.
He tries to forget. He's tried to bury his feelings, to just be Arthur's best friend. Never has it worked. It's all a façade, everything he shows Arthur and what he tells him. He's constantly lying. He can't bear it, but he has to. Everything is better than potentially losing Arthur.
So Merlin keeps it all inside. No one but his mother knows about his feelings for his best friend. His friend who he's known since he was fourteen. His very straight, very much in love with his girlfriend, best friend. His mother knows, she's the one who's been there for him when Arthur started dating Gwen. She's held him in her arms when he cried. That's the only time Merlin allowed himself to completely drown himself in his feelings. It was the first time he ever cried over Arthur and it would be the last. He could stay strong. He could do it, no matter how much it hurts.
Even though it's killing him inside.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed the story. I'm planning on making it a full fic.