The Wonderfully Horrible/Horribly Wonderful Bunny Rabbit Story

by The Moose of Death

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?

(A/N: This fanfic was based on a TRUE STORY)

-

It was Serena's birthday. She had received lots of great gifts from her family and friends. Raye got her some charms and weird little trinkets from her temple. Amy and Mina pitched in together to get as many comic books they could find and put them in a big box for her. Lita made the huge cake that everyone just couldn't get enough of. Her parents got her some new clothes and her brother just made a card with dried macaroni that spelled "Happy Birthday." Serena knew he still had a few years left before he actually had to think about something remotely good to buy. She appreciated all the stuff she was getting, but still seemed a little upset. After a while, she became angry.

"Where's that stupid jerk Darien?! It's my birthday, and he hasn't even called me," Serena yelled to herself in bed. It was almost 11:00 PM. She had a small party earlier with those closest to her. She rather liked having a small celebration. The only part of it she didn't like was that there was no sign of her boyfriend. He hadn't even been in his house all day, which was now the one next to hers. They felt it made things easier for them to spend time together and Darien didn't mind the move, though Serena's father sure as heck did.

Just before she was about to give up hope, turn off the lights, and go to bed, she heard a car pull up to Darien's house. She took a peek out of her bedroom window and, sure enough, saw Darien's car and Darien stepping out of it with a box under his arm. Jumping around with glee, but reminding herself to be stern, she bolted outside to speak with him. She made it outside just as Darien was walking to her house.

"Hey Serena," Darien said with a nervous grin, "Sorry I'm late!"

"You bet your butt you're late! You better have a good excuse!" she interjected.

"Well, it's not so much an excuse as it is a present," Darien said as he held out to box. Serena took the item from his hands, opened it, and could barely hold in her joy when she saw what it was. Darien chuckled, "Y'see, I was looking all over town for your gift. I just couldn't think of anything that was good enough for you, but thought this was perfect the second I saw it!"

Serena wasn't really listening. She was too busy cuddling the little white rabbit that was in the box. "It's sooooo cute!" she said over and over again. She gave Darien a kiss and said, "Thanks Darien! You really do care!"

"Of course I do! Happy Birthday!"

-

A month later, Darien was in his backyard watering the grass there. Suddenly, he spotted his dog with something in its mouth. His dog, Buddy, was a golden retriever that was a great digger and an even better hunter. It had gotten out of the yard before, but always knew its way home. But it was usually a problem when Buddy came back home with a rodent, pigeon, or some other animal in its mouth because then Darien had the hassle of throwing it away or even burying it if he felt enough pity.

"Whatcha got there, Buddy?" Darien asked as he pulled some furry thing from his dog's jaws. It was covered with dirt and blood, but as he examined what it was, he became upset. It was a little white rabbit. It couldn't be, he thought.

Trying to see if his fears were right, he examined the ground along the fence that bordered his house with his girlfriend's. Sure enough, he spotted a hole that his dog so often made to get out of the yard. He looked over the fence and noticed that the pen he helped Serena make to keep the rabbit outside, but still contained, was open and there was no rabbit in sight in their yard. Darien looked down at his dog and told him, "You are in SO much trouble...but not as much as I'm gonna be!"

Then it hit him. Serena didn't have to know this happened! He knew that she went with her family today to go shopping and have dinner at a restaurant. So, he figured that he could just get a new rabbit, put it in the pen next door, and pretend that nothing ever happened. Throwing the dead rabbit into the trash, he picked up his car keys and left for the pet store.

-

When Darien made it to the pet store he bought the rabbit from, he was shocked to learn that the store had run out of rabbits.

"Out?! How could you be out of rabbits?!"

"What can I say? They're popular little buggers."

Darien sighed, "Do you know any other stores that have them?"

"Yeah, I know a couple. I'll write 'em down for ya," the clerk said while writing some addresses down.

Darien sped off to the other pet shops. Most of them were out as well. The ones that did have them didn't have white ones. Finally, he got down to the last address, which by luck had some rabbits. Unfortunately for him, there was only one white rabbit left, and a little girl and her mother were about to buy it.

"Please don't take that one!" Darien said to the little girl holding the rabbit.

"But I saw it first, mister!" the small child said in protest.

"You don't understand! I just killed my girlfriend's rabbit and—"

"My goodness!" the mother suddenly burst out, "Is that how you get your kicks, you sick person?!"

"What? No! I mean, my dog killed my girlfriend's rabbit!"

"Mommy, I'm afraid!" the girl said with some tears coming down.

"Don't worry, honey! Mommy brought her pepper spray!"

"Wait! Let me explain!" Darien yelled. But before he could say anything more, the woman had sprayed the burning liquid in his eyes and a security guard had tossed him out. Barely able to see, Darien drove back home, realizing that he'd have to resort to "Plan B."

-

When Darien got home, he fished through his trash. Luckily, Serena and her family weren't back home, so he still had time, but he knew he had to hurry. After a short while, he pulled out the dead rabbit he had thrown away earlier. It was a little dirtier and smelled worse, but you wouldn't be able to tell the difference after what he was about to do.

He put the rabbit in a bathtub and turned the water on. He took out his shampoo, conditioner, and a little rubbing alcohol. Rubbing in a little of the alcohol on the fur, he scrubbed out the dry blood that was on it. Then, he gave it a thorough bath with the shampoo and conditioner like he would a living pet. Thinking about it quickly, Darien realized how creepy this all was, but kept going because he felt it was worth it; it was clean a dead rabbit and live, or death by Serena (Well, constant nagging and sobbing by her, but just as bad). After he had finished cleaning the rabbit, which was now spotless, he took out his hair dryer and began using it on the corpse. It worked rather well, actually. Drying the rabbit gave it a fluffy, lively look and hid the bite marks rather well with fur.

With the rabbit under his arm, he went out back to put the rabbit back in its pen. Even though it's dead, this would at least soften the blow for Serena, Darien thought. It would be better for Darien if she thought it died naturally instead of being mauled by her boyfriend's dog. He checked to see if anyone was home, which they weren't, and hopped over the fence into Serena's yard. He put the dead rabbit in its cage and hopped back over the fence to his house.

Darien stayed inside his house the rest of the day. He decided to wait until the next morning to see Serena and act surprised at what happened.

-

The next day, Darien went outside to his back yard to let his dog out. He looked over to his neighbor's yard to see if maybe Serena or one of her family members were outside so that he could find out if they knew about the rabbit yet. What he saw was Raye's grandfather out there in his priest robes and performing some kind of ritual. Darien noticed Serena's father was leaning against the fence and decided to ask what was going on.

"Hey there, Mr. Tsukino! What, may I ask, is that priest doing?"

Serena's father never liked talking to Darien, but decided this situation was so weird that he didn't really care. "Well," he began, "when we got home yesterday, we found something very strange."

"Ya don't say," Darien interrupted.

Mr. Tsukino didn't like that Darien stopped him, but went on anyway. "My wife went outside to water the roses when she noticed the rabbit was in its pen. That was about the time I heard her scream and saw her running in the house."

Darien asked perplexed, "Why would she find the rabbit in the pen so...frightening?"

"You didn't know? The rabbit died two days ago of a fever or something. That day, we gave it a burial and even a little ceremony. But I guess Serena never really had the time to tell you." Serena's father folded his arms and looked over at the priest. "When I saw that the place where we buried it was dug up and that the rabbit was back in its cage looking alive and almost new, I called up a priest to exorcise the area. I mean, this kind of stuff is straight out of a Stephen King novel! You know, 'Pet Sematary'?"

Darien looked over at his dog, which had just sat down next to him. Putting the clues together, he realized this whole thing was (thankfully) just a little misunderstanding and laughed at the "exorcism" and himself. He patted Buddy's head and said, "Well it looks like neither of us are gonna get in trouble!"

-

THE END!!!!!

All right, so it wasn't an insane, laugh out loud side splitter, but I thought it was kinda funny...because it's TRUE!