South Park With An Odd Twist
The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised.
Episode 1: The French Cousin
"Dude, you have a cousin from France?" Stan looked at Cartman with a look of pure disbelief on his face as Cartman told them about this cousin of his.
"Yah right, fat ass! Why would you have a cousin from France!" Kyle pointed an accusing finger at Cartman's face, not believe a word of it from the moment he heard it. There was no way Cartman would have a cousin from France. Besides, didn't he hate French people?
"I don't know! But I do!" Cartman yelled at the Jewish boy pointing at him, swatting at the pointing finger idly.
"I don't believe you!" Kyle yelled right back, now crossing his arms defiantly across his chest.
"How much you want to bet, Jew-boy!" Cartman knew he would win this bet for sure, but he always won against Kyle anyway.
"Ten bucks!" Kyle said after a moment of thinking about the price. That price seemed to fit and though he was anxious about placing his whole allowance on the bet, he was sure he wasn't going to lose.
"Well, Kyle, get your ten bucks ready!" Before they could say another word, Cartman was running off to his house.
"Stupid asshole. He's probably going to come back pretending to be his 'cousin' from France and then go 'nananananana, hahahahahaha' or whatever the hell he does," Kyle thought aloud bitterly. This was just typical of Cartman, and he wouldn't fall for any of Cartman's lame ass tricks!
"Yah, you're probably right," Stan agreed with a nod, however, he couldn't help but wonder.
"Mom!" Cartman called slamming the front door as he ran in, not caring how loud the bang was.
"Yes, pooky?" Mrs. Cartman came out of the kitchen with oven mitts on, meaning she was probably making some sort of fatty pastry for her "pooky".
"Is my cousin here yet?" Cartman asked frantically, wanting to prove Kyle wrong once again. He looked around with the same frantic attitude, searching up the stairs and everywhere for his cousin.
"No, snooky-bear. He'll be here tomorrow," Mrs. Cartman replied with her naturally, overly happy sounding voice.
"God damn it!" Cartman yelled in anger, wanting to go back and show off right that second.
"Don't worry, you'll be able to show him to all your little friends tomorrow morning. He'll be going to school with you while he's here," Mrs. Cartman told her overly large son with a grin.
"Yah! I can prove the Jew wrong once again!" Cartman laughed with spite.
"Yes, honey," Mrs. Cartman had no idea what the hell her son was talking about, but she didn't ask any questions. Her state of ignorant bliss when it came to her son's antics was one that she rarely decided to delve beyond.
"Hi yah, fellas." Butters walked up to Stan and Kyle who were waiting for the bus.
"Oh, hey, Butters," Stan said, wishing the weird kid with blonde hair would just go away. Butters was always rather irritating and he seemed pretty dense since he never got the picture that no one liked him.
"Did yah fellas meet Eric's cousin from France?" Butters continued on talking, not even noticing that he wasn't wanted around as always.
"What! That fat ass actually has a cousin from France!" Kyle said, his jaw dropping. "No, you must be lying!"
"Nope, I ain't lying. Oh, here they come now," Butters looked over to where Cartman and another boy were walking up to the bus stop.
"Hey, Kyle. Meet my cousin from France, Mike," Cartman said with a victory smile.
"Salut," the boy beside Cartman said. He was also fat, but Cartman was still fatter than him, and unlike Cartman, he wore no hat, revealing short, dark hair.
"So, Kyle. I think you owe me ten bucks." Cartman held out his hand to accept the money.
"Oh, god damn it!" Kyle mumbled, completely pissed off. He took out the ten dollars of allowance money, staring at it defeated before he handed it to Cartman, who immediately began to count it in front of him.
"Now, Mike, this is Stan, the gay loser is Butters and this is the Jew-boy, Kyle," Cartman introduced them to his French cousin, pocketing the money away once he'd made sure all ten dollars was accounted for.
"It is good to be meeting you." Mike's English was pretty much crap. He might as well have been speaking Gibberish it was so bad. The way he spoke was fairly choppy as well, as if every damn word were its own sentence.
The bus pulled up and the bus driver, Ms. Crabtree, opened the door. She looked like she had lost a few screws, but that was normal. Mike just stared at the bus driver in awe before quickly getting on the bus, following behind Cartman. Stan and Kyle sat in one seat while Cartman and Mike sat in the one across from them, though how they both fit was a mystery to all of them. Butters was left to go sit by himself in a seat behind them.
"What is being her problème?" Mike asked, his English still crappy as hell.
"She's just a cranky old whore," Cartman told him without really thinking about it.
"What was that!" Ms. Crabtree turned around, yelling at him.
"I said I slammed my fingers in the door," Cartman told her, shaking his hand for her to see his non-existent pain.
"Oh, okay then." Ms. Crabtree turned around, seemingly contented with that answer, and began to drive to school.
At school Mr. Garrison introduced the new student to the class. He wrote his name on the board and then turned to face his students. He didn't look too pleased, especially considering who it was, but he knew he would have to deal with this kid.
"Okay, children, we have a new student. This is Eric Cartman's cousin, Mike, from France." Mr. Garrison said as Mike went to find an empty seat.
"Yes, Kyle. That is MY cousin from FRANCE," Cartman leaned over and told Kyle rather loudly.
"Shut up!" Kyle retorted sharply.
"Everyone make Mike feel real welcome for his first day," Mr. Garrison commented and then began to teach. "Now today we are going to learn about…"
The lesson went on as its usual boring self as Mr. Garrison taught them something that couldn't possibly be in the normal curriculum, though the students knew no different. They just listened obliviously to the nonsense, opinion oriented lesson Mr. Garrison taught, while the rest of the school learned whatever they were really supposed to be learning.
And then there was recess. It too was rather boring for once since the tetherball had flown off its string the previous day and gone missing. No one had remembered to bring their footballs and the female population of the school was currently occupying all playground equipment. The boys had attempted to go and pry them from this equipment, however the girls blatantly shot them down and glared daggers at them. For fear of being under the wrath of females such as Wendy and Bebe, they just left the girls alone.
When they went back to class, Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave were teaching something random that no one really cared about anyway. Such a boring lesson carried them all the way to lunch as the two got carried away with the topic and forgot to switch to another subject. At lunch, the children waited in the lunch line to get their food.
"Hello, children," Chef said in the same tone as he normally did everyday.
"Hey, Chef," they all replied, except for Mike having no idea who the black man was. Mike merely stared at the man in the white chef's hat like he was some strange creature that could be infectious. A rather rude stare, however he didn't seem to care that this stare was protruding from his eyes.
"Chef, this is my cousin, Mike, from FRANCE. Isn't that right, Kyle?" Cartman told Chef.
"Well, it's nice to meet you, Mike. I didn't know you had French relatives, Eric," Chef turned to look at Cartman after waving a hello to Mike.
"Me neither, but I do." Cartman took his lunch tray along with the rest of them, ready to show off his foreign cousin to the whole damn lunchroom.
"Where are we going to sit?" Stan looked around the lunchroom. It was completely full, except for a table where Butters, Tweak and Pip were sitting.
"Nah-ah. I am not sitting with those gay lords," Cartman refused, shaking his head when he saw where Stan's eyes were. "We can sit on the floor!"
"I agree with Cartman. Let's find somewhere else to sit," Kyle also refused to sit with them.
"There is nowhere else and I'm not sitting on the floor," Stan informed them, beginning to walk towards the table where the three misfits sat.
"Who are these 'gay lords' you speak of?" Mike asked, curiously, wondering what was so apparently bad about the three boys at the lunch table.
"Well, you already met Butters, and then there's Tweak and Pip," Cartman told him shortly.
"Come on guys, we'll just ignore them," Stan said, stopping to beckon them forth before walking over to the table.
Sighing with reluctance, the others followed.
"Hello, fellas," Butters greeted them, rather surprised that they were going anywhere near himself, Pip and Tweak.
"Ah! Who's that?" Tweak asked, flinching violently, not trusting any stranger.
"That's Mike you loser. You met him in class," Kyle snapped at the shaking boy, resisting slamming his tray down on the table as he sat with caution.
"Oh, right," Tweak took a sip of the coffee he had in his large thermos.
"So Mike. You are from France?" Pip asked with his English accent sticking out like a sore thumb among the nonexistent accents of the South Park people.
"Oui," Mike said, unsure of the word for yes at the moment.
"He means yes," Cartman beamed with pride. Perhaps it was because he felt he was learning another language that he assumed Kyle didn't understand.
"No, shit," Kyle snorted, knowing Cartman was trying to be a smart ass.
"I am from England," Pip said, making conversation with the foreigner.
"From England. I have never been there," Mike feigned his musing, wondering why this retard was talking to him. He had just started talking to this kid and he already hated him beyond all reasoning. There was just an air to Pip that screamed 'I'm the most annoying thing on this planet!'
"Oh, you should go. Nice place it is." Pip continued on, about to go into further detail about his homeland.
"Okay, Pip. Shut up," Stan was growing annoyed of this already.
"So, yah fellas want to hang out after school?" Butters said after a moment of silence.
"No!" Kyle and Stan both announced immediately.
They both recalled hanging out with Butters before. It had been just after Kenny had died… again. Hanging out with Butters was a disaster they'd rather not have experienced again and didn't plan on it.
"Ah, but why not?" Butters didn't understand why they didn't like him, but he would find out.
"Because you're gay, Butters. We don't like gay people," Cartman told him casually as he shoved whatever was on his lunch tray in his mouth.
"Fine then," Butters gave up, just as he normally did, not even yelling at Cartman for calling him gay. He got up and left the table, taking his tray with him and discarding his garbage.
"Good, he's finally gone," Cartman said, though he was well aware that the other two still remained.
There was a dead silence for a few minutes, only to be broken by Tweak as he drank more coffee. He sipped from the thermos, his eyes darting back and forth between them all. He looked as if he were about to snap at them.
"Ah! This is too much pressure!" he ran away frantically, spilling his coffee all over the place.
"What is his problème?" Mike asked watching the freaky boy run away with alarm and mild amusement.
"He's a freak," Cartman shrugged.
Later that night, Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Tweak and Mike were walking through the seemingly empty streets of South Park. But little did they know that it would soon go from being a practically silent night to one filled with mayhem. The kind of mayhem that one does not forget so easily and the kind of mayhem one never wants to face again.
"Why are we doing this again?" Tweak asked nervously looking around. He flinched at every shadow that moved, even his own.
"Because Cartman wanted to show his cousin around town," Stan told the twitching child, resisting smacking him across the face.
"But how did I get dragged into this? Whenever I hang around with you guys I always get in trouble!" Tweak continued to spasm.
"Tweak, just shut your god damn mouth," Cartman ordered.
Mike walked along in silence, thinking to himself. These people were so naïve as to his real plan. He planned to destroy South Park, for no real reason. It was just a hobby he had. Destroying things. He wasn't really as stupid as he let them think. He could speak English properly and he knew that pretty much all of them were retards.
"Why are we going at night though?" Tweak demanded, continuing to look around.
"Because we are," Kyle told him, sighing in exasperation even though he didn't know the answer himself.
"But what if we get kidnapped. Like remember that time that the child abductors were on the loose!" Tweak nearly screamed.
"That was a while ago," Stan didn't even look at him.
Mike was growing very bored and he stopped without saying anything. They all stopped and glanced back at him. What was he doing?
"Come on, Mike. There's still a lot of the town to show you," Cartman insisted, beckoning his cousin to come forward.
"No," Mike shook his head and looked right at Cartman.
"What is going on here?" Tweak asked, immediately paranoid.
"You retarded freak, shut up!" Mike yelled at Tweak, scaring the boy further.
"Ah!" he yelped, jumping behind Kyle who was nearest to him.
"Whoa, you can talk normally?" Stan asked, dumbfounded.
"Well, duh. Did you morons actually think that I was that stupid!" Mike snapped and none of them answered. "That's what I thought. By the way, fat ass. I'm not really your cousin."
"What!" Cartman demanded. This was an outrage.
"Ha! I told you fatass!" Kyle cheered victoriously.
"Shut your hole, Jew!" Mike said before Cartman could.
"Hey!" Stan defended him.
"Do you want to know why I'm really here?" Mike asked, for some reason standing in the middle of the road. "It's because…" but before he could finish, something happened.
Mike was hit by a bus being driven by an old man. The bus had been swerving along the road without its lights on, pegging the innocent 'pedestrian' without much difficulty. He fell to the ground, blood spilling out of his snapped neck and seeping into the pavement. He lay dead in the middle of the road, leaving the four boys still standing there watching.
"Oh my God. They killed Mike…" Kyle stared, his voice trailing off.
"Those bastards…" Stan finished, doing exactly the same.
"What was that!" an old woman in the bus yelled to the driver.
"It was nothing, just a pothole!" the old man yelled back, continuing to drive as if nothing happened.
"God damn it!" Cartman yelled at the top of his lungs into the night air, ignoring as some of those in the houses around him shouted for him to shut up.
"Come on Cartman, give me my ten bucks back!" Kyle said holding out his hand to accept his money back.
"No way!" Cartman said.
"What! Why not!" Kyle narrowed his eyes in anger.
"Cause you're a J-O-O," Cartman spelled out the word (incorrectly) for him.
"What's that got to do with me winning the bet!" Kyle demanded.
Cartman thought for a second, "Because Jews are supposed to be poor, like Kenny!"
"Shut up you fat asshole!" Kenny's spirit said through Cartman's body. He was still there, even after the long period of time it had been as if he refused to leave. Cartman had drunk Kenny's ashes, thinking it was crummy chocolate milk mix and was now paying the price by sharing a body with the boy he once ripped on every day.
"Give me my money!" Kyle still held out his hand.
Cartman pulled the money out of his pocket and handed it over to Kyle rather violently. "God damn it I hate you guys!" He snarled walking away.
Credits
Mike: Mike Bell