AN: The Boondock Saints and all affiliated actors, directors, writers, catering, etc is all © of whatever company and year and are in no way endorsed by yours truly. This story has humorous intent only, the end.

THE BOONDOCK SAINTS IN FIFTEEN MINUTES

The film opens in a church. There is a big important church dude giving a big important sermon thing, and when everyone sits back in their pews we see two exceedingly attractive dudes in black coats, kneeling. They rise, walk to the altar and pray there.

Big Important Church Dude: Wtf?

Another Church dude: Chill, it's cool. They do this all the time.

The two exceedingly attractive dudes in black coats get up, kiss the feet of Jesus, and walk out of the church.

Another Big Important Church Dude: There are two kids of evil: evil-evil, and indifferent evil.

Two Exceedingly Attractive Dudes in Black Coats: ((Light up outside the church, because there's totally nothing wrong with that))

Taller Dude: I hate evil.

Shorter Dude: I'm Irish.

Irish Music: WHEEEEEEEEEE! OPENING CREDITS!

There is a montage. We see Taller Dude ((Connor MacManus)) and Shorter Dude ((Murphy MacManus)) working in a meatpacking plant, goofing off, and getting in a fistfight with a girl who may or may not actually be a girl because of her tattoos, multiple facial piercings and intimidating size. Like, she could totally eat Murphy with no problem.

We learn its St Patty's Day, and the two brothers, Connor and Murphy, are hanging out in a bar with lots of other Irish dudes and its cool. An Italian dude comes in and everyone should be like, WTF? But its cool cause he's with the two brothers and the party continues.

Bartender: They're closing down my bar. FUCK! ASS!

Guys at the Bar: Aww, that sucks.

Russian Mob Dudes: Hello everyone! We're here! So, everybody get out except for the bartender.

Guys at the Bar: It's St. Patty's Day! Have a drink!

Russian Mob Dudes: If you don't get out, we'll make you get out.

Guys at the Bar: Umm, I think not?

Quick, unexplained scene cut to the next morning. We're in an alley and there are two huge guys dead on the ground: one with a bandage on his head and the other with a bandage on his ass. We all giggle. There are two cops standing watching a third cop explain what happened.

Greenly: Okay, so like, picture this: these guys are coming home drunk from the bar and this huge guy comes out of the alley, kicks their asses, and books off with their cash. What do you guys think?

Two Other Cops: ((Shakes heads))

Ass-kicking music comes on as we watch Willem Dafoe ((whose name shall be "Paul Smecker" for this film, but whatever cause we all know him as Willem Dafoe)), looking extraordinarily flamboyant, step out of a cop car and approach the scene.

Greenly: Wtf? Who are you?

Smecker: ((Shows badge)) I'm with the FBI, darling.

Cop: These two victims have connections with the Russian Mob. That makes this a federal case. We have Agent Smecker, as flamboyant as he is, to take care of this.

Smecker: Okay, your theory sucks. Go get me coffee. Listen, these details are important: café latté, twist of lemon, Sweet n Low.

Greenly: OKAY WTF! ((Storms off))

Smecker: ((Puts on headphones. It's totally Italian Opera. He begins to conduct in midair and all the other cops are like, this dude is totally crazy. He puts red stuff on one of the dead guys' hands, and walks around looking at bullet holes in respective dumpsters and brick walls. He comes back to talk to the cops and the music stops)) Okay. This is going to come out of nowhere to everyone, but I'm a flamboyant genius, so listen up; check these buildings to see if there's any water leaking, look for bullet casings, find me bits of a kitchen sink, and where is my café latté?

Cops: ((Rush about and do His Majesty's bidding))

Smecker: I'm totally not going to tell you what I'm thinking, but god doesn't my hair give it away that I'm a flamer?

Cop: There is a lady on the fourth floor complaining that she has water leaking down her ceiling.

Smecker: Quick, Robin! To the fifth floor!

The Audience: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!

Scene cut to a hospital. We see the Connor and Murphy being hot in just their grimy, grey bathrobes and combat boots, and they're playing hand games with a bald kid wrapped in a sheet. And there's totally nothing subtly implied here.

Bartender: ((Walks in)) Hey guys, what the- FUCK! ASS!

Murphy: Control your tourettes, dude.

Bartender: What's going on, guys? This detective came by the bar and- FUCK! ASS! -asked about the two of you. I didn't tell him anything, but the way he talked about you made it sound like you weren't being charged with anything.

Connor: We should turn ourselves in, and totally not get dressed before we go.

The Audience: Sounds awesome!

Connor: Bartender, could you do us a favor, please?

Bartender: FUCK! ASS! Anything.

Connor: ((Hands him a Macy's shopping bag)) Hold on to this for us, please?

Bartender: No problem. FUCK! ASS!

Scene cut to Police Station.

Smecker: Okay, these guys aren't superheroes, so stop telling the press. They're just ordinary guys.

Greenly: Good luck finding them, though. There's nothing on the computer about them and they're probably miles away by now.

Connor and Murphy: ((Walk in through the Police Station door))

Smecker: HAHAA! You're p0wned! Get me a bagel.

Scene cut to intimate Police Interrogation room. Smecker sits on one side, a tape recorder in one hand, while Connor and Murphy sit on the other side munching on bagels.

Smecker: So guys, what happened?

FLASHBAAAAAAAAAACK!

Scene cut back to the bar last night where all the party-crashing Russian Mob Dudes were trying to ruin St. Patty's Day. A bar fight breaks out. We watch as the Irish twins kick the Russian Mob Dudes' asses.

Scene cut to the morning after, and Connor and Murphy are sitting on matching mattresses on the floor of their apartment in just bathrobes and combat boots ((because so many cool kids sleep in combat boots?)). Just then, two Russian Mob Dudes come in and start screaming. They handcuff Connor to the toilet ((ew?)) and hold a gun to Murphy's head.

Russian Mob Dude: I thought I was going to kill you, but I think I'll kill your brother instead. Hahaa.

They drag Murphy away. Connor is pissed. In amazing feats of strength, he pulls the toilet out of the floor and water spews everywhere.

The Audience: Oooooooh. THAT'S where all the water came from.

Connor carries the toilet onto the roof of the building. Down below in the alley, Murphy is on his knees with a gun to his head. Connor drops the toilet and jumps off the building. It's, like, eight stories high, but whatever. The toilet lands directly on the Russian Mob Dude's head, and Connor lands directly on the other Russian Mob Dude's head. Cause that kind of stuff totally happens in real life, I guess? One bullet is accidentally fired into the dumpster, and the other goes forward into the brick wall.

Murphy: ((Gets up and makes sure Connor is okay))

Connor: ((Is totally passed out, cause its not a good idea to jump off eight story buildings))

Murphy: ((Gets the guns and money off the two Russian Mob Dudes, puts them in a Macy's shopping bag, picks up his brother, and carries him off))

END FLASHBAAAAAAAAAACK!

Smecker: That's incredible.

Murphy: You think that's amazing? Check this: ((Speaks in French))

Connor: ((Replies in Italian))

Smecker: What other languages do you speak?

Murphy: ((German))

Connor: ((Spanish))

Smecker: Sexy.

Cop: ((Walks in)) The Press wants to talk to Connor and Murphy.

Connor: Absolutely not.

Murphy: And no pictures either, even though we're hot.

Connor: Could we stay the night here, actually?

Cop: Yeah, that's fine.

Smecker: ((Is totally flamboyant)) Time to go talk to the press.

Head Cop: ((Is addressing the press)) The MacManus Brothers' case is clearly self-defense and they aren't being charged.

Italian Dude from Last Night: ((Sneaks into the Police Station. He's carrying bundles of clothes and brings them to the brothers who attack him with hugs, cause they're best mates or something))

Scene cut to that night. Water is dripping into the cell where Connor and Murphy sleep. Deep voices ricochet off walls. This is totally normal for prison cells in Boston.

Connor: ((Is totally shirtless and now wet, and sits up in bed with a gasp))

Murphy: ((Is also totally shirtless and now wet, and does the same thing))

The Ominous Voice: ((Keeps mumbling about evil and shit))

Connor and Murphy: ((Look at each other with their mouths open))

All Girls In The Audience: YES!

It is the next morning. The brothers sit up in bed at look at each other.

Connor: ((Telepathically)) I'm hot.

Murphy: ((Telepathically)) I'm hotter.

Russian Mob Dude's Pager: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Connor: ((Takes the pager to a pay phone. Calls the number. A Russian voice answers and gives quick, Russian directions which Connor writes down, cause he totally speaks Russian.))

Scene cut to Italian guy from bar ((whose name is Rocco, just to let you know)) walking into a room greeted by the most renowned porn star ever. They sit down in front of a desk where a balding Italian ((boss)) sits quietly on the phone.

Porn Star: So, you're the funny man?

Rocco: Fuck off.

Yakavetti Boss: ((Starts yelling Italian obscenities into the phone, then hangs up.)) Wtf. I hate the 90's. ((Looks at Rocco)) Tell me a joke, bitch.

Rocco: …Uh. Um. Okay, so…

Yakavetti Boss: Out with it, hurry.

Rocco: ((Studders out a very racist joke))

Yakavetti Boss: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

Porn Star: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

Rocco: ((Smile))

Scene cut to Irish Artillery Hold. A dude in a beret hands them two pseudo-shopping bags and tells them to have fun as he switches on a light. The brothers walk, in awe, into a room laden with every. Gun. Known. To. Man. …Maybe.

Connor: That's hot.

Montage time! Connor and Murphy walk over a bridge. They walk down a street. They walk into a hotel. They get into an elevator.

Murphy: You mean to tell me we were in that room with all those weapons, and all we walked away with were twin handguns, a knife, and a rope?

Connor: Shut it up! We're going in through the vents!

Murphy: ((Rolls eyes))

Scene cut to Smecker in bed with a naked Asian Dude.

Everyone In The Audience: OKAY WHAT THE FUCK I'M TOTALLY NOT DOWN WITH GAY SCENES!

Smecker: ((Answers Phone)) What? …Oh. …How many bodies? …Okay. ((Smacks Asian. Hangs up phone)) What the fuck are you doing?

Asian: Cuddling!

Smecker: You're a fag.

The Audience: …And you're not?

Scene cut to a huge white room covered in blood. There are nine bodies, all of which poised like vampires with coins over their eyes. This is kinda weird.

Smecker: Okay, so. There are nine bodies, and the target is the big guy in the middle. Cause he's missing half his face. Watch me piece together this murder as everyone watches it in a flashback:

FLASHBAAAAAAAAAACK!

Connor: Quick, through the vent in the elevator shaft!

Murphy: Who are you, James Bond?

Connor: Aw shit, I'm lost.

Murphy: You're fucking rope is heavy.

Connor: Shut up!

Murphy: You shut up!

Connor: I'm telling Mom!

They get into a fight. We see, in the room below, a whole bunch of Russian guys sitting in a circle and a really fat Russian guy talking to all of them, looking kinda pissed. We hear a crack.

Murphy: Oh shit.

Connor: Oh fuck.

The Vent Shaft: Bye bye!

Connor and Murphy fall through the ceiling into the room with all the Russian guys. The rope is tangled around them and is suspending them, upside down, from the ceiling. They quickly draw their guns and kill everyone. It's sweet.

The Big Russian Guy: ((Is on his knees, and Connor and Murphy are behind him. This, in no way, implies anything sensual.))

Connor and Murphy: ((Recite a badass prayer, then together shoot him in the back of the head))

The brothers position everyone with their arms crossed over their chest for the whole Dracula effect, then put coins over their eyes. Cause that's not creepy at all.

Connor: Lookit, what's in that case over there?

Murphy: Holycrap look at all this cash. It smells good.

Connor: Unlike you, cause you don't shower.

Murphy: Shut up, I'm still hot.

There is a knock on the door. The brothers put their black ski masks back on and look through the peep hole.

Connor: Look! It's Rocco!

We see Rocco dressed up in a bellboy getup pushing a food cart.

Connor: We've got to fuck with him.

Murphy: Okay!

They start screaming and acting scary, pull Rocco in by the hair, throw him on the floor near all the dead guys, and start screaming questions.

Rocco: No! No! I'm with you guys! Shit! I'm Rocco! I'm the funny man!

Murphy: ((Pretending to be angry)) Wtf! Liar!

Rocco: No! No! Whoa! I'm with you guys!

Connor: ((Pretending to be angry)) We have to do him, right here, right now!

Rocco: ((Whimpers)) Please nooooooo!

Connor and Murphy: ((Pull off masks, laughing hysterically))

END FLASHBAAAAAAAAAACK!

Smecker: This could be the start of the first international mob war. And I know that cause I'm a genius. I'm also a flamer.