Contrary to common expectations, Naruto Namikaze is completely ordinary in every which way. On the day he was born, an evil masked man attacked his home, the Hidden Leaf Village, and freed the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox, which had been sealed inside his mother, Kushina Uzumaki. The seal weakened during childbirth, and under normal circumstances it looked as if his mother would die that day.
But these were not normal circumstances.
Naruto's father, Minato, fought the evil masked man, who claimed to be Madara Uchiha. Minato had been on the verge of defeating this despicable man, but he got away using some sort of transportation technique – though not before Minato had tagged him with his signature Flying Thunder God. The village, meanwhile, was under attack by the Nine-Tails, but a united defense of the village led by the Third Hokage succeeded in keeping the beast at bay until Minato could return.
In the end, the beast was subdued long enough for Minato to prepare a sealing technique that would put the beast in his own child. … But all those preparations were thrown out the window when Kushina pulled all of the Nine-Tails back into herself through sheer willpower. It's said that once a Tailed Beast is removed from its host, the host inevitably dies. However, something that research failed to factor in was the slim possibility that the beast was put right back before the host died.
Not all Jinchuriki have Uzumaki longevity, after all. Dattebane.
So much to Minato's chagrin, relief, and shock (all rolled into one, of course), he did not lose his wife, his son, or himself in that fateful night. Naruto did not become the Jinchuriki of the Nine-Tails – that would in turn mean later on that he would not be hunted by the notorious Akatsuki.
But his mother would be hunted, and that would in turn give Naruto a goal… aside from succeeding his father as Hokage. Because the goal of Naruto in almost any universe is to become Hokage. Dattebayo.
Yet as Naruto grew, it became apparent that his father wouldn't allow him any special treatment. He would not be learning the Rasengan, the Flying Thunder God, or any other standout technique like those until he was of a certain age. Naruto moaned and groaned about that somewhat, but he was otherwise content to be offered the same opportunities as his peers. This set off some alarm bells in Minato's head, because Naruto had his hair and eyes, but everything else came from Kushina. So for Naruto to be "patient"…
Well, Minato was on the watch for pranks and the like. He never once considered that Naruto was only "patient" because of his godfather, who was simply waiting for Naruto to become a Genin. More's the pity for him. He should have really kept a closer eye on his perverted Sensei…
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Jiraiya couldn't quite explain it, but ever since watching little Naruto grow up, he felt a fond attachment to his godson. Maybe it was simply the fact that Naruto greatly resembled what he was like at that age. Brash. Headstrong. Determined to prove himself. Really, Jiraiya liked to think he had turned out to be quite the responsible adult, but anyone remotely close to him would 'kindly' contradict him and point out aaall his faults.
He knew all too well about how Naruto felt about his education at this point in time. Sure, Naruto's grades were a helluva lot better than his own were, but they were still pretty average for a Kage's son. That was solely because Naruto's learning style was not what the Academy commonly used – textbooks, explanations by word of mouth… They at least showed you the Academy Taijutsu style, but that wasn't really saying much. Pretty soon after leaving the Academy you grew out of that cookie-cutter Taijutsu style, no matter if you were from a Clan or not.
Naruto learned by doing. Just like Jiraiya had. No one was going to give the boy a single bone if Minato had anything to say about it. Which is why Jiraiya was totally doing this without Minato's permission; he even had Minato's precious student, who would definitely be teaching Naruto, in his back pocket. Every day, for about an hour or two, Jiraiya would steal Naruto away during some repetitive teamwork training for Team Seven. Kakashi would cover for Jiraiya and Naruto – providing them with a report of what Team Seven did during the time they were gone. In return, Jiraiya forwarded drafts of the next Icha Icha.
Yes, it was a solid under-the-table deal they had going for them. Minato would be none the wiser until it was too late. Far too late.
"Now, if you're anything like your old man aside from the hair and eyes, you'll be a Toad Summoner, like us!" Jiraiya grinned toothily as he handed Naruto the Contract for Toad Summoners. Sure, it was a gamble on his part, because the Toads didn't have to accept Naruto as a new Summoner, but Minato had proven to be reliable, so why couldn't his son?
Plus, if Naruto did become a Summoner, then the next step in his plan to totally transform his godson into a mini-Jiraiya could proceed. Which is to say, just like him, Naruto would learn the dangerous-yet-rewarding art of Sage Jutsu at an early age for a shinobi. No pussyfooting it. Naruto would become a Sage!
Step three would be slightly harder with Kushina around so often, but they'd work on this one step at a time. Baby steps.
"Whoohoo! Let's do this, Pervy Sage!" Naruto unraveled the Scroll and was going to sign it in his blood, but then Jiraiya held up a hand with a stern look.
"Ah-ah! What are you supposed to call me?"
"… SUPER Pervy Sage?" Naruto responded uncertainly.
"Or?"
"Gallant Jiraiya-sensei?"
Jiraiya ruffled Naruto's hair with a grin.
"Atta boy. Let's get this show on the road before we waste too much time."
"Yosh!"
"Jiraiya, do you mind telling me how my son put Sasuke Uchiha in Intensive Care?" Minato asked with a raised eyebrow, sitting at the Hokage's desk. It had been several months since Team Seven had been formed, and out of the blue this happens.
"Sorry, Minato, haven't a clue." Jiraiya replied flippantly. A mischievous look passed through his eyes. "But I bet he's been training really hard."
"I'm certain he has," Minato said calmly, closing his eyes. "It's what he's training in that has me concerned…"
"… I still don't have the foggiest notion what you're talking about…"
"Jiraiya. He put Sasuke through a tree. With one punch." He tacked on the end pointedly.
Jiraiya ran a hand through his hair nervously and grinned sheepishly at his student.
"Sounds like he's got a mean right hook."
"Sakura-chan reported seeing 'bizarre bar pupils in Naruto-baka's eyes'."
Jiraiya shook his hands a couple times toward Minato.
"C'mon, Minato, the kid needed something that he could contribute to the team. He's got what? The regular Clone Jutsu, Transformation, Substitution? Even Pinky contributes more with her booksmarts. I get that you don't wanna spoil the kid, but you're not even allowing him to go into Sealing yet. I gave him just one thing."
Minato breathed in and out steadily before rising out of his chair and looking out the window.
"… I'm just afraid of what a Genin will do with Sage Jutsu, Sensei. There's a lot of risks, and it's not really a skill for Genin fresh from the Academy. Plus, Sasuke-kun is just going to want to learn it, now that he's seen it. You know about his… ambition."
Jiraiya laid his hand flat in the air and shook it side to side a little.
"Eeeh. Of course the kid's gonna want to learn it, but getting a good beating every now and then will be good for him. Builds character."
"You might as well have handed Naruto the power of a god." Minato muttered with a shake of his head. "You know that this team is a lot like yours was, Sensei. Only Sasuke is closer to snapping than Orochimaru was."
"Hey, I suggested a Yamanaka mindwipe…"
"It would have been pointless anyway; he would've grown up hearing about his Clan's Massacre."
"But he wouldn't have the memories of it. Hell, we could've made Danzo the scapegoat and hit two shinobi with one kunai. But you wanted…"
"A person that I could trust to infiltrate Akatsuki, yes. Kami knows we needed an inside man, badly."
"But a thirteen-year-old spy? Really?" Jiraiya scratched his chin as a thought occurred to him. "… Didn't you deal with their leader anyway? The masked guy?"
"There are still members out there, Sensei. I would prefer to nip this entire organization in the bud, and not have to fret over Kushina…" Minato narrowed his eyes after realizing they'd gotten off-track. "… And my decisions, poor or not, are not the topic here, Sensei. You gave Naruto something that will easily overpower any Genin, with the right approach… How can he hope to progress if his tendency is to put his opponents through trees? He won't make Chunin with that mindset!"
Jiraiya shrugged uncaringly and got up to head for the window.
"Meh, that's not my problem. You have experience getting Kushina to do things; your son will be the same way, so good luck with that." Jiraiya lazily saluted his student before leaping out the window with a perverted giggle, his mind clearly on his next destination.
Minato sighed before resting his head against the glass of a closed window. Damage control for Team Seven would take a while. Thank you, Jiraiya-sensei…
Sasuke sat up rigidly as the doorknob to his hospital room turned. Kakashi-sensei had already paid him a visit, and the pink banshee had overstayed her welcome several times over. The only one yet to pay him a visit was the guy that landed him in the hospital in the first place, and Sasuke did not want to relive that experience… through a concrete wall.
As soon as he was out of here, Sasuke was going to file for a restraining order and a change in teams. This team sucked balls. And could quite possibly be the death of him before he accomplished his revenge.
Sasuke marginally relaxed when it was just a nurse that came in… carrying a basket of what looked like home-grown vegetables.
"Somebody left you a basket, Sasuke-kun. Aren't you lucky?"
Sasuke twitched slightly and asked the obvious question.
"Was it from my pink-haired teammate, by any chance?"
The nurse shook her head slowly.
"No, it was a blond boy in an orange jumpsuit. He wanted to tell you that he was sorry, and that he wanted to know if you could still be friends."
Sasuke's twitching increased violently. Yup. Restraining order, change in teams. Simple.
Author's Note: I was thinking rather seriously about what Naruto would have been like if he'd grown up with parents and without a Tailed Beast inside of him… The idea originally formed along a serious vein, but quickly delved into a crackfic-style idea. In case you couldn't tell. :P
Did ya like it? No? I'd probably only do a few more chapters of this. I can think of a couple more humorous situations with Naruto whipping around Sage Chakra – Wave Arc, against Gaara, etc. And that's not even covering what Minato and Kushina's reactions will be every time Naruto overdoes it with his opponents. I can already picture poor Neji. XD
Like I said, though, lemme know what you think. It is a crackfic, so it's meant to be silly, even if it was borderline in some parts. :P