She felt like an untethered boat in the middle of the sea. She was lost. So she looked for her north star except it was eclipsed by a mass of black clouds.
Her faith which had been her saviour through all the hard times had now deserted her. All that was left in its place was emptiness and alcohol.
She sighed , as she walked to the kitchen to fill her glass with wine again, when she saw the ultrasonogram of Samuel. It was the first chip in the block and everything had come tumbling after. Tears filled her eyes as traced her little bean, her Buddha on the picture before she ripped it from the refrigerator door and flung it on the floor. " I'm sorry" ," I'm sorry I literally failed at every single role I took up in life" she let out a mirthless chuckle.
Why her? What had she done wrong to deserve this? So she screamed - high pitched and guttural- At the God that betrayed her;At her husband who hadn't fought back; At her son who had left too soon. She screamed and bellowed ; till her voice was hoarse; till all the pain in her heart became the pain in her throat.
Oh how far the mighty fall. Goody two shoes April kepner was now a crazy alcoholic . She giggled at it's absurdity. The giggles gave way to hysterical laughter and soon enough she was bawling.
There was a knock on the door. She hiccuped and took a deep breath in an effort to stop her tears. Wiping her tears with the back of her hand to open the door to find Jackson standing on the other side bouncing Harriet on his hip.
She raised her eyebrow. He raised his too in response to such a foreign expression on her face. "Are you busy?" She scowls at him. It was a stupid question to ask after all. It was her day off and her coffee stained pjs were an obvious indication. He shrugs then not wanting to get into a row. It seemed that was all existed between them now - anger and indifference. Then he said his tone bland " she was crying through the night. Refusing to sleep so I thought she needed you. To sing .. " and then he waves his hand in the air referring to the other things she does for their daughter to calm her down, not knowing what they were. " you can keep her till friday" she opens her mouth to ask how he knows when her off days end and then stops herself realising that he is in fact her boss. Then she smiles at him. A proper one filled with gratitude. For what he had unknowingly done or maybe with complete knowledge of her state of mind.
They were like that the two of them. Two new running criss cross in a quilt ; much more before than now; When they could reach other just by looking, even though such things happened only in books. Her smile grew wider. Eyes twinkling in understanding." Thank you." Then, " good night " he echoes her smile. Their shared secret , a knowledge of the connection that refused to be broken.