title: Doubt
notes: Where there is doubt and maybe a little bit of infidelity. (This is post-TDW but Loki didn't die, just saved everyone's butts and came back to Asgard to be a 'good' little boy. This is my AU, meh.)
disclaimer: I own nothing.
She always feels out of place in the golden halls of Asgard. She is the goat that belongs on a banquet table, the mortal amidst the gods and goddesses. Sometimes she wonders whether she made the right decision, coming here with Thor – to stay permanently. ("Father is about to crown me King of Asgard. I'll need a wise queen to rule with me.")
Sometimes she wonders if she really was wise as Thor thought her to be. This had got to be the stupidest decision she's ever made: leaving the place where she was always considered an outsider (but she was right! There are other worlds out there), only to be treated as an even worse outcast in the Realm Eternal. (Oh, Jane, how far you've fallen.)
Odin treats her a little differently than when she first came here, but not by much. He acknowledges her when she is in her presence but he still doesn't directly speak to her. Now that Thor has supposedly irrevocably expressed his intentions with Jane, there is little Odin can do. It is most unwise to oppose the now-King of Asgard. The Realm Eternal is already jittery with the recent skirmishes among the Nine Realms, and to oppose something as petty as the new King's choice in a wife is out of the question. ("I know you'll change your mind one day, my son, and you will tire of your mortal pet. You spent but a blink of an eye with her, after all.")
Thor's warrior friends are ice towards her and they do not treat her differently from other Aesir (she isn't an outcast in their eyes). Except Sif, of course. While the Warriors Three are as warm and welcoming as a toasty fire in winter, Sif is the harsh and cold wind above the highest mountains. Odin is bad enough, but Thor's best friend, too? While Sif has not done anything detrimental to her, Jane can feel the hostility emanating from her in waves. The woman-warrior is generally polite towards her in the presence of others (especially Thor) but once they're gone, Sif turns her back on her wants nothing to do with her, ever.
Try as she might, Jane cannot bother to hate her. She knows how jealousy feels like; she knows the feeling of being passed over again and again and again, and she is familiar with the feeling of coveting someone's attention especially if she knows she deserves it.
Oh no, her loneliness makes her contemplate her failed career back on Earth again.
Doubt is a disease.
On days when Jane is feeling particularly alone, she doubts her decision to partake of the Golden Apple of Idunn. It is expected of her, as Asgard will not have a Queen who will just die in the blink of an eye. But she has seen friends and family go and leaver her for better places (first it was Erik and then people just kept on following).
It's depressing to go back to places you've been to and find out that everything and everyone has changed, except yourself. That's how Jane feels whenever she comes back to Earth to attend her friends' ah, send offs, for lack of a more cheerful term. It's even more depressing when her friends have a hard time placing her face whenever she shows up, as if they expected a tiny, graying woman. ("Oh my goodness, Jane, you haven't even aged! Your face hasn't changed at all.")
Therein lies the problem: time kept passing on Earth but it stopped for Jane Foster. Immortality has its merits, after all.
Doubt infects the mind, creating a mistrust of people's motives and of one's own perceptions.
The first time Loki is allowed out of the Realm Eternal again is the first time he accompanies Jane on one of her trips to Midgard (Earth, it will never be Midgard to her) for another "send off." Thor is attending some political affair in Vanaheim with Sif and Hogun as his head guards. Volstagg and Fandral remain in Asgard to assist Heimdall in maintaining peace and order.
To say it's an awkward experience is an understatement. Jane and Loki barely speak beyond what is required of decorum.
("Do you feel alright?"
"Yes, I've traveled using the Bifrost Bridge a number of times already."
Or,
"We can leave now."
"I'll call out to Heimdall.")
Thor may trust Loki now that he believes he's "reformed" after their mother's death but it always helps to be cautious. Sometimes Jane thinks that Loki is being nice and quiet so he can one day just pull the rug out from under everyone in Asgard and kill them all.
And then burn their remains and head to Earth and finish what he started those many years ago, genocidal maniac that he is.
Gods, her loneliness is making her think morbid thoughts.
Doubt has the ability to call into question everything you've ever believed about someone.
Thor is always busy nowadays. Jane is so frustrated because he never has time for her. He suggests that she do other things to amuse herself, but the list of "other things" isn't particularly long. She isn't a warrior so she cannot add to the guards' training. She isn't a medic or magician so she cannot assist the healers. She isn't a politician so she cannot contribute to the lively discussions at the Aesir court.
What she is is an intellectual so she visits the Aesir library often. She has read each book more than thrice already (immortality has its merits). But books do not talk back so they aren't enough to keep her satisfied.
She needs her husband. Only when Thor is around does she feel less of an outcast. He always makes her feel love and cherished and wanted.
Jane hasn't felt those in a long time. The little amount of time Thor spends with her is wasted on his meals, rest, and other kingly duties.
("I'm sorry, Jane, the Alfheim King really knows how to run people ragged."
Or,
"I personally believe that the guards must train with their king every once in a while.")
Sometimes Jane doesn't sleep as she waits for Thor to come to bed from his many council meetings. In the morning, she knows there is a secret smile between Thor and Sif and she's so frustrated because she both understands and doesn't.
Jane thinks that Thor has tired of his little (once) mortal pet.
Doubt reinforces the darkest suspicions of our inner circle.
Ironically, Loki becomes Jane sort-of-best-friend. Thor has already assigned him as her sort-of-personal-bodyguard, accompanying her on her many requests to see more of the Nine Realms. Thor trusts his judgment and fighting skills well enough to entrust the Queen of Asgard into his arms.
Jane feels alone and she feels lonely so she takes what she can get. She knows that Loki feels alone and lonely, too. With this in mind, she vows to transform their old awkwardness into something, well, a little less awkward. Maybe they'll both feel a little less alone and lonely in the process.
They talk about inconsequential things at first ("What are the dwarves in Nidavellir like?") and they move on to more serious things ("Magic is not that all different from what you Midgardians call science.") and then they tread common ground ("That's my favorite constellation here on Asgard – it reminds me of the stars back home.").
And after a while Jane pours her deepest feelings and frustrations because she's been hiding it for so long. "I'm forever his little mortal pet and maybe he never loved me at all," she cries as Loki looks on with a hint of sympathy in his eyes. She doesn't move away when he hesitantly wraps his arms around her.
Jane doesn't remember when they first began to kiss. It was innocent at first (hand, cheek, forehead). Until it wasn't.
Thor has Sif anyway, Jane muses.
notes 2: Eeeeh. Totally got lazy at the end. Borrowed lines from Revenge and Game of Thrones for more ~drama~. But anyway, I did this! Random drabble series that will sorta serve as my practice for writing (I really need a lot of practice). Mind can get rusty, after all. So patience and understanding please hehe I'm not the best writer.
Will be updated randomly, but I'm marking this as complete since this will just be a series of unrelated oneshots.